I Try to Be Nice to My MIL

Ohhhhhh my MIL. I could write a book. No, really I could.

I take a lot of deep breaths.

I get into a lot of avoidable arguments with my husband.

I spend way too much time, sometimes, thinking of how I am going to confront her.

I always want to be the bigger person and often think this is unfair.

Then I look at my son.

I will be a MIL someday myself.

I don't want to be resented.

I don't want to be the cause of an argument.

I will be taking deep breaths.

I don't want my son to not want me around.

I really want to like my future daughter-in-law.

I want to be part of a happy family.

It's really hard.

I'm still struggling. I came from a very oppositional family. My husband did not.

I know that I sometimes have a warped view of what a happy family should look like.

I'm trying to be forgiving.

I take a lot of deep breaths.

Peace.

Everyone has MIL problems. If you dont then you are truly lucky. Its hard not to be resentful sometimes, believe me. But at the end of the day you have to remind yourself that you are a good mom, and wife, and you shouldnt let her tell you otherwise.
Dont give her anything to say bad about you, like "attitude" or anything of the sort, I know its hard but just be as nice and civil as possible when you are around her, and just keep telling yourself you are doing the best you can and let her talk or do whatever it is she does.

Just be the bigger person! And dont let your friends tell you or make you feel bad either, only you know what she has done.

I don't know what she did to you, but you said it was 'terrible' to you when your daughter was born.

Hopefully, your Husband supports you in all this.

Being nice to a toxic or mean person, is hard.
Especially if they are CONTINUING to be terrible to you.
Is she?

Or has she stopped being that way to you?
Has she tried, to make amends?
If so, then you just have to let it go.
But probably, your demeanor/body language, is still "cold" towards her. And you do not have 'warm' feelings for her, nor any trust.
Thus, your co-workers saying you were "rude" to her.

So, you either take the high-road or you do not.
Either superficially or not.
Or just put on a fake demeanor toward her, in front of others.
Or, you genuinely do try to be nice to her. Even if she continues... to be mean to you.
And if she continues to be mean to you, then, does your Husband know that? Or are you on your own, in that department? Meaning, if she purposely picks on you and/or bullies you, then what can you do about it AND does your Husband, do anything about it, since that is HIS Mom?

You can:
- talk to her
- Your Husband can talk to her
-ignore her
- stay away
- carry on with your life
- have boundaries
- speak up when the is mean to you.

Either way, have you tried, to remedy it with her?

Why did she stop by your office anyway?
To be nice?
To be mean?

Was her being terrible to you, a one time thing and only when your daughter was born?
If so, then well, you need to get over it.
Or it is holding a grudge. And this is bad, for you, to carry around internally.

all the best,
Susan

I know exactly how you feel. My MIL has treated me very badly since my husband and I started dating. When we got married it got worse. I broke all ties with her and when I was around her I didn't say much. I have only been to her house maybe 10 times in the last five years. My MIL and FIL do babysit my daughter everyday. They come to my house though. In the last few years she has developed Alzheimers. It can really get on your nerves. When she would come up she would go right into the livingroom. So one day I started to talk to her instead of around her. Things have gotten alittle better. She now does my dishes for me if I didn't get to them. She helps me to pick up my daughters toys, she doesn't complain all the time. She still gets her digs in here and there but I just let it go anymore. It's is not worth the aggrevation. But myself and my husband and his brother/wife have agreed that if something happens to my FIL she will have to go to a home. We cannot care for her. We all have jobs, kids and other resposibilities and we are just not cabable of caring for her. Plus none of us have the room for an extra person. It was a tough decision but all agreed that this was the best way. I know that alot of what she does NOW is not her fault. It's her disease. So I have managed to deal with it. My FIL even commented that he noticed that I have been nicer to her. I know that it is hard but try not to let her get to you. I know that the past is the past but it still sits on the back of your mind how you were treated. Do what you need to do and say what you need to say nicely and she will go about her business. It will take alot of work and patience but if I can do it you can do it too. Trust me I still don't like the woman but I am trying to be nicer to her. GOOD LUCK!!!

Well I'd start out by telling her all the things that had not worked out in the past and that you'd like to get on a firmer footing with her since you are definately staying married to your husband.
Being civil with her is a good thing. And, you have to be honest as well. She once had a mother in law who very likely wasn't that easy to get along with.
Ask her how it went with her MIL and tell her you want yours to be better.
See if you can enlist her as an ally.

Try not to place so much importance or significance on her criticizum or whatever she does to get on your nerves. I say this because if what she does was no big deal to you or unimportant to you it would not bother you at all.
In the end whatever she has to say does not matter anyway because you are the one incontrol of your household.
You must have some sort of relationship because she stopped your office. I know women who have such a crappy relationship with their mil that stopping by ones place of employment would be the last thing the MIL would do. All messages (if there are ever any to relay) would go through the husband.LOL