I Think My Daughter Might Be Sneaking Out at Night.

I'd say sit outside in the car a few evenings and see if she comes out. Put something in her window frame that shows if it was opened or not. Put screws in the screen so it can't be removed. Put a camera outside her room to see what happens.

There are many things you can do to see what she is doing. A 13 year old kiddo is not guaranteed their privacy. I wouldn't allow her to have her door locked unless you have a key.

It's quite a leap from "she's a good kid" to "she's sneaking out at night."

You give no other evidence at all of her being a deceptive kid (unless her going out with other dancers and not telling you she ate out with them is deceptive to you). No other signs or signals that she is duplicitous. You are going entirely on a sound you might or might not have heard right (if it woke you from sleep, are you sure it was a car door and not another sound?) and on your MIL's planting an idea that you should be suspicious of your "good kid."

Ask yourself:

Why are you so willing to go along with MIL's planted idea if you have no other reason to distrust your child? And why is MIL immediately leaping to a very negative idea straight off the bat? What's her agenda in being that suspicious of her grandchild?

Why are you more concerned with the planted possibility of sneaking out than you are with the idea that your child might be sick? Have anemia, diabetes, an eating disorder, a horrid menstrual issue, whatever come to mind? I think most parents of a good kid would first think of illness and/or stress -- and would not leap to "she's deceiving us and sneaking out." She might be ill and not even realize it herself.

Why are you afraid of your own child? Why haven't you just said to her: I can see you're tired to the point of exhaustion, and today two of your teachers said you fell asleep in two different classes; so we need to talk about whatever is going on. I won't yell at you or come down on you or be angry; I need to know what's up for good or for bad, so we can get you to a doctor and get you better if that's what's needed.

Why is that so scary to you? Please think hard about why you're letting MIL plant ideas; why MIL is so negative about your child; and why you can't talk to your own daughter. Maybe you're scared to talk because you'll find out she IS sneaking out. But you will just eat yourself up with suspicion if you don't talk with her. Not to her. With her.

Do you have any reason whatsoever to suspect these older dancers, which you seem to do, though you don't say it outright in your post? My daughter dances and every single older dancer at our studio is far too busy with serious dance plus school to be roaming around at night helping younger kids sneak out. Maybe you've heard or seen things that concern you with these older dancers. If so, time to stop letting your child ride with them. But don't bring that up until after you know what is really happening -- it may have nothing to do with those rides or those older kids.

Talk to her immediately too because, well, THAT is why the teachers called you. Teachers dont' usually phone home unless the situation really worries them, and they do not expect you to wait and ponder and go online for advice; they expect you to deal with your daughter and find out why she is falling asleep in class, and they need you to do it now.

Why are you allowing a 13yr old to be given rides home at night from 16 and 17yr old teens? That is scary in itself... Is she out so late that you or another parent cannot carpool? Why can't you or another parent from the group provide transportation.

You "wake up" to the sound of a car door? Do you go to bed before she gets home from practice? If you are in bed and hear a car door or something GET UP AND LOOK OUTSIDE. Don't be lazy about this.

In no way would I allow my 13yr old to get in a car with teens that age.

As for locks on the doors, a closed door creates privacy and there is no need for a lock on the door. Respect boundaries and knock on the door before entering the room. You are the parent. If my daughter had just once locked her door and did not allow me access to her room in MY house, her door would have been removed completely.

It sounds like there is not much respect or communication between you and your children.

Man up and be the parent. I am still shocked that you would let your 13yr old ride home in a car full of teens (one of the MOST dangerous things to so) instead of picking her up when practice is over.

Do you have a home security system? EVERY time one of our windows or doors is opened, we get a chime and we know something was opened.

Wow

First, no locked doors. Sorry not necessary. If the door is closed, you knock.

I would tell her that two of her teachers called about her falling asleep. Ask her what is up. Listen. If you aren't satisfied with her answers, then turn detective. This is not hard to do. Be proactive not reactive. You are the parent.

Personally, I think 13 is too young to be given some of the privileges you have given her. I would be picking her up after dance, not riding with others. Sorry just not happening.

kids sneak out. i snuck out. a LOT. totally took advantage of my parents' trust. i get that. but then, i didn't have a truly trusting relationship with my parents.
i DID have a trusting relationship with my teenagers. i'm betting some things happened that i still don't know about. but i'm glad we had the trust. it made for good teenage years, and for ongoing good relationships with my now-young adults.
i have a big problem with your reluctance to speak directly to your daughter. you say you don't want her to feel as if you don't trust her- and yet clearly you don't trust her. if your MIL can plant the seed of distrust that easily, it's being planted in fertile ground.
and maybe there's good reason for that. i don't understand why YOU don't know how she's getting home, or where she goes after dance. that's not being oppressive, that's simply staying on top of where your 13 year old is and with whom. 13 is still a very young teen, and knowing who's driving her around is basic parenting 101.
i was a pretty liberal parent, but no locked doors after bedtime. that's not being a martinet, that's simple safety.
but it's not the checking on her at night that concerns me, it's your inability to have an honest conversation with her. the moodiness and exhaustion are cause for investigation, and that investigation should always, always, always begin with talking to your kid.
khairete
S.

Seriously? Take the locks off the doors. There is no need for them to have them. My two oldest are 17 and 16 and while I respect their privacy, this is not a problem I would have. I would simply open the door and do a bed check.

And no, it's not OK for your 13 year old to be getting rides with older teenagers. You have no idea what kind of drivers those kids are. I realize that it's probably inconvenient for you, but you need to be in charge of her transportation for a few more years.

Time to pull back the reins a bit.

Catch her sneaking out.

I used to sneak out my windows when I was a teen in Germany. We had those blinds that were like garage doors that rolled down....welp, one night I came home, and my window escape was locked. :) I had to ring the doorbell to be let back in at 5am. So it wasn't much use denying I had been out. :-0

So, how does she sneak out? Walks out her door? Put a loud booby trap outside the door or whatever. Stand guard. Etc. If you don't think you can trust her answer, then find out the truth by whatever means. If she's NOT sneaking out, she may be depressed if she can't stay awake during the day. If she IS sneaking out? Grounded city and you'll have to be more vigilant from here on out.

Her only debit card should be for an account she has from babysitting, lawn mowing, grocery bagging etc. Otherwise, she asks you for loans and earns allowance she can put in her bank account. Taking someone else's money from an account without asking at 13: Not a good habit.

At 13, she needs a way tighter leash or you'll have a pregnant 14 year old on your hands (if she's sneaking out)....there is no good that can come of being out all night at 13....

ALSO, do NOT be "afraid" to ask a teenager a direct question like, "Are you sneaking out?" That's what parents DO. If she isn't, she'll shriek in disbelief that you could conjur such a thing, and you'll be instantly relieved. If she is: She'll probably quit! Also, you're darn well allowed to forbid her from having a locked door all night long at 13. You're also allowed to search rooms for drugs, guns, and whatever the hell you want. It's YOUR HOUSE, not your kid's house. Don't let your kids run you! Also, my 13 yo would not be getting driven by older kids HECK NO!! DANGER!! or hanging out with them. Danger. For the record, when I was a teen, the older person driving me around (who was a perfectly nice teen actually in most of the standard ways, good grades, nice family) was reckless and we did dangerous things. I felt invincible of course. Especially in the middle of the night when no one knew I was out.

My kids are having alarms on their windows and doors when they get older :)

Replace the door knobs with ones that do not lock. There is no reason for them to be locking the door. A closed door gives privacy.

Next start parenting your child. Make rules. She's 13 and should not be getting rides from 16 or 17 yr olds. They are not safe drivers and your child is being put at great risk. She should not be getting dinner with anyone without your permission. Grabbing a snack or sandwich before dance is different from sitting down and having dinner with someone.

If sounds like your daughter is around older kids which is problematic. There is a huge emotional difference between a 13 yr old and a 16 yr old. Your daughter could feel pressured into situations that are above her ability to handle because she's trying to fit in. Step in now because something isn't right with your daughter.

Just ask her why she is so tired and go from there.

No locks at night, in case there is a fire. You need to be able to get to your kids.

The solution would be so simple if you fixed your mistake of allowing children to have locks on their doors. Not only is it not necessary for privacy (a closed door is enough) but it is a safety hazard.

If you could just open the door at night to peek, you'd have your answer one way or the other.

First, I'd stop the locking of the bedroom doors. If privacy is an issue, then get into the habit of knocking before entering, but unless they are dressing, they don't NEED privacy.

It really seems very simple to me - stop the locking of the doors and simply open the door and see if she's in bed.

What time is she coming home after dance? You should be able to gauge the number of hours she's home and should be asleep. If it's not enough, then dance needs to change. If she is or should be home in time to get a full night's rest, but is still falling asleep in school, then you've got a problem. If you have given her so much freedom that you have no idea what time she is going to bed, then you need to change that.

I will also add that drug use could also cause these same symptoms. You need to get more involved in her life. Sounds like she pretty much runs her own show - she's too young for that.

Take her to the pedi and make sure it's not mono or thyroid or something. I had low thyroid in my early 20's and was taking naps at lunch at work.

Why jump to the worst possible conclusion for a kid that hasn't given you problems? I seriously wonder about your MIL for that jump...

My kids are 15 and 12 and their doors are closed but not locked. They have privacy when their doors are closed, we all knock before coming in. I check on BOTH of them when I go to bed, they are already asleep. I open both their doors and check on them. Lowe's and Home Depot have door alarms that chirp every time you open them. They are about $25 each. But they chirp during the day too so you have to get used to it. Personally, I liked it because you ALWAYS know when someone is coming/going from the front and back door. Good luck.

We have a strict family rule - the kids cannot lock their doors. I think you need to give them this rule. What if there were a fire and they were passed out due to smoke inhalation and you could not get to them. We also have the rule of no electronics in the bedroom. When my son does get his own phone it will be out in the kitchen after 7pm. No phones to tempt him to call or text friends late at night. 15 and 13 year olds can shut their door and get privacy...you should not be fine with them locking their doors and keeping you out. I think you should stay up late and catch your daughter in the act of sneaking out. Then sit her down and tell her this is not allowed EVER and tell her the house rules. Tell her what her consequence will be if she sneaks out. Tell her WHY. And then you need to set up a way to catch her if she does it again. Also, tell her you want her home for dinner on school nights. She can go out to dinner with friends on a weekend, but she needs to ask permission from her parents first. You sound like you give your young teens too much freedom. And they are taking advantage of you. No...she should NOT be using the debit card to go out to dinner on school nights. It's for a snack after dance. She needs to be home by x time on school nights and x time on weekends. She needs to ask permission and you need to meet and know who she hangs out with. I think you have been way too permissive! It's time to set down family rules and enforce them!

I tend to think you can have privacy without locking the door. In our home you can actually have privacy without shutting the door. If you walk by and someone is dressing, keep walking.

I would tell her 2 teachers called because she fell asleep and ask what happened. Let her tell her side to things. I wouldn't go so far as to ask if she snuck out, until you have a reason to ask.

If you hear car doors again, get up and check things out.

Security people just place a small bit of paper folded in half in doors and windows. That way when they are patrolling they don't have to check windows by walking up to them, only if the paper is gone.

So during the day just put a piece of paper in the jam of the window if it is gone the next morning she opened her window, problem solved!

I completely agree with the advice Mel R. gave you. I've raised two teenagers (now in their 30s) and she is right on. Talk with your daughter, don't assume or accuse, just talk with her!

And wow, some of these responses seem to think teens should be treated like prisoners...jeez.

Hang some Christmas bells on the outside of her bedroom door?

How odd is it for a parent to open a bedroom door at night to check on a child, see if she has an extra blanket, etc?

Ask her. She's 13 and growing. She might just be in a major growth spurt that is causing her to feel exhausted. It may be a good time to talk about limits, prioritizing and getting enough sleep at night. Also talk about hanging with the right people, and keeping herself safe by making wise choices.

If your child is trustworthy and a good kid, I'd put "sneaking out" at the bottom of the list of likely reasons she's tired.

Your kids should not be locking their doors at night. What if you needed to get in there because of a fire?? No way would I allow that. Also, I agree with others who say your 13-year-old should not be getting rides home from older teens. Very unsafe. She's 13 and sometimes you don't even know where she is? Wow. I have trouble with not knowing where my 20-something is at times. I can't imagine loosening the reins that much. You need to be doing the driving and watching who she is with and where she is at all times. You don't know what kind of influence those older teens have on her. I have an older teen. I wouldn't want her and her friends hanging around with a 13-year-old. They discuss things that would be totally inappropriate for a young girl to hear.

If you hear a car door, go in her room and make sure she is there and asleep. And keep the doors open at night so you can hear things.

It could be mono.
That can make you tired for months.
Have your pediatrician check her out.
Moody - that could also be pms and hormones.
Or just lack of sleep.
Most people don't realize you need to make sleep a PRIORITY and make sure you have enough time to get enough of it.
Kids get in the habit of burning their candle at both ends.
She might be home but on her tv/computer/phone/tablet all night - you've got to take that stuff away from them before bedtime - preferably a few hours before bedtime.
Sneaking out is possible but not probable.
Is her room on a ground floor or 2nd floor?
Window/door alarms are great for letting you know when anyone is coming in or going out just as a general security thing.
Locked bedroom doors - I'm not a fan.
We close ours but but we don't lock them.
Privacy is all good and well but you knock before entering and it's not likely you're going to walk in on them while they are masturbating.
If the house is on fire - you want everyone out - and teens/kids can easily sleep through smoke alarms.
You want to be able to check all rooms without fumbling to get them open.
Yes, sometimes I DO check on everyone to make sure they are alright.
I want/need to know where they are.
My old boss almost shot someone he thought was a home intruder in the middle of the night when he didn't know his wife had let a neighbor use the guest room for the night as a last minute favor.
So it is NOT unreasonable to check on the kids.

This seems easy, just start checking on her, set up a camera at the door you thinks she's using, set up a "noise maker" at the window or of course you could just ask her.

I'm a pretty straight forward person. If I had that little Momma voice in my head like it seems you do I'd have a talk with her. If she's anything like my kids, you'll be able to tell if she's not being honest. They both think I have ESP (I may) and that they will never get away with anything (good).

Do you check her room at night? Is she there? Do you look out the window when you hear a car door slam? That's where I would start. So is she 15? Has a debit card? Does she have a curfew? Do you check frequently if she is home at night? I'm confused.

If her door is locked, open it. If you suspect she isn't in there-get in there. Check. Take the debit card away. I'm sure if this happens you will see her not staying out. If she isn't older then 16 or 16 I would definetly have issues with this whole post.

unless you want a teen mother on your hands..do something about it NOW!! dont wring your hands waiting for the girl to come to you or the boy she is sneaking out with to come forward..hes not going to..the minute she starts showing signs of morning sickness, her "boyfriend" will make a run for it..and leave you holding a pregnant teen..oh, sure he'll come back..to get her pregnant..again..sit the kid down on the couch and ask her who she is sneaking out with..you want names, addresses , phone numbers everything..then, call the boy..and demand some answers. K. h.

It sounds like you don't have a handle on what's going in your own home. I will suggest that you are giving your kids way too much freedom and privacy. They do not need to keep their bedroom doors locked at night while they're sleeping. It's completely unnecessary and could be dangerous if there was an emergency.

I don't see how this is complicated at all. If you heard a car door and suspected that your 13 year old daughter might be sneaking out, why wouldn't you go and check on her? You are the parent. Knock on the door. If there is no answer, bust it open. If she's not in there, you go and find her or wait for her to come up and hash this out. Don't be afraid to be a parent. It's your job.

You need to sit her down this weekend and let her know that her teachers have been calling to say she's falling asleep in class. THIS NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED! There may be more going on than just potentially sneaking out. She could be doing drugs.

Get your head out of the snow and act before it's too late!