I Really Want a Baby!

Maybe you can start looking around for another job that isn't shift work to show him you're willing to make some changes to make it work. My fiancé thought he was too old to have a baby (He was 39 when I got pregnant with our 1 year old son.) Now, our little boy is the light of his life. I knew he would feel differently as soon as he was born. I have two girls, ages 15 and 17, and I would have been done with all the freedom in the world, had I not started over. I don't regret it for one second. Sure the little one will be in kindergarten when my youngest daughter graduates high school, and I did think things like, "What if I'm the oldest parent there to pick up a child?" Now I see there are a lot of families "starting over," whether it be a divorce and remarriage, finally feeling ready, or new medical advancements helping older women have babies, so I'm not so worried about it. I know a lot of older moms (in their late 30's with new ones.) I went through a similar experience you are dealing with now (being jealous of pregnant woman and realizing almost every woman I saw was pregnant or with a little one (because that is what I was focused on.) That was really happening to me when I had 2 miscarriages before this baby. Good luck. I wish you didn't have to "convince" him. It is a huge decision. I didn't think my fiancé would ever want another one, he is most worried about my health (I had gestational diabetes with the last pregnancy.) He just told me the other day, if I can get a clean bill of health from the doctor that I'll be OK this time, we can have another one if I want to. I was shocked to hear that and now I'm debating whether or not to do it. I'm saying this not to make you upset, but to show you that even the stubbornest of men (like mine) can change their mind.

Hi. I am a member but also a man. I am a single Dad. I just wanted to chime in to give a guys view. I agree with the 2nd response. This does go a lot deeper. You should look into counseling before more feelings surface and resentment builds. He was honest and up front before you married him. If you told him you wanted one more and he said he didnt, it should have been resloved prior to marriage. Counseling is the way to go. There may be a resolution without resentment regardless of the outcome. It may even go in the direction you currently want.
Important thing is that you have to act now before resentment builds. With you both working and 4 kids, your stess is high enough. Whatever you do, dont "take it upon yourself", if you know what i mean.

yikes, this is a hard one... You can't really "convince" someone that another child is the right choice. You are kinda on the losing end because you went into the marriage knowing that he didn't want any kids (sorry to be blunt about it)and it wasn't a deal breaker... However, having a baby and having weird shifts isn't impossible. Iknow all about graveyards and swings... I was indusced while my hubby had range training! You make it work simple as that. You can try explaining (in a nice voice... us wives have a tendency to yell at our hubby's)why you want a baby i.e. it'll bring the two of you closer... it'll be a little piece of both of you. The closeness really works... My hubby and I were a little rocky being on different shifts since we were dating, and the pregnancy really brought us back together. We went to the doctors together, labor, and when my son came we had 8 weeks together where we realyl got to talk and get to know each other on such a deeper level. I really think this helped our parenting a lot. Try talking to him and seeing why he really doesn't want anymore kids, other than his age. Good luck.

I think you are going to have to come to terms with the fact that you knew when you married the man, he was done having kids, and I frankly don't blame him. You really can't convince someone to do something that he obviously doesn't want...and even if he does cave into your insistence on having a baby, it may very well destroy what you have. I know you want a baby, but its a little too late, especially if you knew ahead of time that he didn't want one...he's already a grandfather, has 4 kids...I don't blame him for not wanting anymore, and as his wife, you have to have respect for that....sorry, sweetie....

I know that you really really want a baby but unless your husband comes to want one on his own then he may end up resenting you, your pregnancy, even the baby, and you don't want this either. My only advice would be lay it out to him like you have here and let him know how much it means to you and let him make his final decision. Maybe you can write him a letter so that he doesn't feel intimidated to give you an answer. You can tell him that this is the last time you are going to bring up the topic and after he responds, stick to it and leave it alone. Are you close with your step-son? Maybe you could get your "baby-fix" by caring for their baby while they go on dates etc. I know its not totally the same as having your own but maybe it could help. Best of luck to you!

S....I am going to do my best to come off supportive, but the first thing that comes to mind when I read your story was that you are being very selfish and immature. Clearly your husband wants to move forward with his and your life and you are wasting time thinking about what you don't have rather than thinking about what you DO have. Your husband is correct, he is getting older and with your work schedule, it would be a lot of pressure on him. Why would you want that if he is not 100% in to it? On another note, how would he feel if he found out you were writing stories to complete strangers about your feelings on a subject he is so dead set against? I am a firm believer of putting your spouse number one! I would recommend reading any book by Dr. Laura (specifically The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage). She writes very good books on relationships and encourages couples to make joint decisions...and to realize that it's not the end of the world when you both don't agree on something. You also need to look at the root of your tears....are you sad because you really want a child, someone that needs you and someone to love you back? You might want to look deeper in to what your needs really are...and share that with your husband. He is in fact the MAN you CHOSE to spend your life with! I apologize if this was too harsh, I just want you to hear it from someone else's point of view. My husband is my number one priority..and because of that, life is amazing and we both have committed to raising our 16 month old son. Having a child has been a life changing experience, but I know my limits. Think hard...what would you do if you got pregnant and your husband decided to leave? How sad would life be then? I hope you make the right decision..Be Joyful and Love Your Husband

S.,

You have received great advice before this but I would like to put something else out there.

I think this goes deeper than wanting a baby, so badly. WHY is a question that should be brought up in a session with a mediator/counselor with both of you. I agree if you push this with your husband, you will lose what you have. But that doesn't minimize your feeling about having another baby. Get together with a psychologist or pastor to discuss your feelings behind it. Take some time to mourn the fact that you will not have more children. Discuss these feelings with your husband.

I had my fourth baby at age 39 and my youngest were 11 yrs. I can still remember the shock when I realized that this baby was going to need care for 24 hours for a long time. After 11 years that realization had worn off. I had wanted another child after this new one because I didn't want him to grow up as an "only child" after my youngest had graduated high school when he was 7 yrs. But my husband and I had to come to the decision that we would not have more children when my new son was 2 1/2 yrs. old. Reasons were: difficult pregnancy with my last one, new medication that my husband didn't want me to discontinue in order to carry a child, time and energy. My husband recognized more than I did what I went through to have children. I had no problem giving up almost everything just to have another baby but he understood that it would be too much. I still have time of regret at not trying again but deep down I know it was the best for my family and for me.
I agree with the other mom in suggesting that you can enjoy your step-grandchild. If they aren't nearby look into volunteering at your church nursery or at your local hospital to hold and rock preemies. There are so many babies and children that can use more caring from an adult. My older children were from a previous marriage and when the children were with their father, I was despondent. I learned that the only way I could survive those days away from my children was to give of myself with other children. It kept me sane, the same might help you.

This is an important decision, do not take it lightly. But it comes down to another baby or your marriage. It sounds like you have decided that that is too high of a price to pay.

Hope this helps,

Evelyn

Maybe you could try volunteering at your local childrens hospital or at a childrens home. At some hospitals they even have volunteers that are baby cuddlers. Maybe that will make you feel better on the inside and keep you from crying by knowing that you are helping out a child who really needs it.

Do you know the saying " you made your bed now lie in it"

Well , I think hat is a complete brain wash lie....

Humans evolve and change, supressed desires surface , new ideas spring ect.

Talk to this man of yours, talk your self blue...he must really like children.. he has many :)

Will he really dump you instead of help you have another child? I agree that a marriage is a "we" thing.. but he is not the master and you the slave. So he also has a marital problem these days...his mate is being held back, what is he going to do about it?

I too married a man ( my first husband) and he did not want kids, now he lives for his weekends with them! how ever he lost me because he did not want a bigger family besides being a selfish jerk :)

Now I am happily married to a man who shines in the glory ogf a five child tribe.

TALK TO HIM!!!

Hi S.,
It is such a coincidence that you wrote because it was just the other day that I was reading an article in the REDBOOK magazine about your dilemma. The article caught my attention because my husband wants us to have another child. (I am currently 6 months pregnant with our second and don't want to have any other children at this time)
The advice column suggested to the reader that it is important to respect your partners decision because it could lead to further turmoil between you. What she did suggest was to consider volunteering with organizations that involve children and letting family and friend know that you are available for babysitting. I wish that I could remember the month. It was an issue for this year. I will check the magaxines I do have. You may also try enbarking on becoming a godmother to some of the children in your family or circle of friends. I wish you all the best.