I Really Need to Get Better at This-- from Never Sharing to Putting It Out There

The more you type the more confused I get. Just a little background, I am older but not old, I have two adult children, two not there yet. They are not the cleanest people on earth but not messy either, but by no means perfect. Still neither had knocked anyone up or been knocked up. I am not trying to be mean but just explain where you are not making sense to me. Your son got a girl pregnant, had no way to support her or her child, and you are talking about doing chores!

That is like saying the house burned down but I am so proud of my kids for saving the bushes out front!

Thing is if one of them had messed up, like my son, and he had asked me to take the woman in. He would have done so for the benefit of his child, my grandchild and I would have accepted for the benefit of his child, my grandchild. Sure I would have expected things from their family unit but that would have been on my son, not his family.

I am really hoping this helps you understand why so many are scratching their heads here. Your son made a child, that is his responsibility. He wants to live with his child's mom, his decision. So if you are having problems with your arrangement you need to speak to your son, not get upset with his girlfriend.

Are you referring to your son's girl friend as your daughter? Or are you saying you are raising your kids to be self sufficient. I am confused. I don't think you mentioned a daughter before.

Here is the thing... We only know what you tell us.

Thanks though for the update...also you can put comments like this in the "so what happened" area of the original post.

Okay, so you have a son and daughter who contribute to the maintenance of your household. And this girl moved in, and you expected her to jump right in doing what you would expect of your kids, without telling her that this is what you expect of her. Your clarification is unnecessary. Yea for you in teaching your kids to be responsible. That doesn't give you reason to expect the same of this girl, without your saying so.

Also, your son is responsible for choosing her, for impregnating her, for making sure that she knew from his perspective what you would expect of her (though it is still on you to communicate for yourself), for telling her "no dogs--this is not your home", for providing for the needs of her and for his baby. Your son approached every step of this situation following your teaching. I know that kids do dumb stuff. I am speaking to how you responded to his dumb stuff. Was she living with you before she got pregnant? If so, that's a no-no. Or you should have talked with them very clearly and bluntly about what you expected from them regarding sex and the consequences of not being responsible. Once they got pregnant, you should have had more discussion with them about what you expected from them moving forward.

It's not about being saints or not making mistakes. It's about how you--and others--take responsibility of those mistakes. As the elder and head of household, you are in charge of what goes on in your house. You are in charge of holding them accountable. You have to start by holding yourself accountable. If there's too much going on for you to wrangle in, then it's up to you to simplify things.

That is a lot on everyone's plates.
With all that going on I'd say the dogs would have to go.
Find them new homes.
It's hard but now is not the time for pets.
Especially if your son's girlfriend is saving up for a car and other things to become independent, spending money on food for animals and vet bills and the time to walk/train them and clean up after them is not a smart choice of where to be putting their time and resources.
When they have a home of their own (and many rentals don't accept pets), they can have a total zoo if that's what they want but I wouldn't be letting them do this in my home.
They need to focus and not distract themselves.

DP, you don't get to choose who your son falls in love with. You don't get to remake her into your responsible daughter. Your son made the mistake of getting her pregnant. Now, you are trying to fix all of this.

If your son's girlfriend brought 4 dogs into your house, then you are a fool for allowing it. Get a backbone and tell your son that the dogs have to go. It's admirable that he's going to school and is working part time, but now it's time for these two to get out on their own. Give them a deadline. Tell them both that they have to get their own place.

I'm sorry that you don't like what people have said to you. This forum is not all about positive reinforcement. It's about telling you what we think of your situation. People have done that - they are giving you their REAL opinions. Just because they aren't affirming your feelings doesn't mean that the opinions aren't valid.

If you want real advice, write in. If you only want to rant and have people tell you that you're right, you're in the wrong place.

I don't know--these posts of yours rind me of episodes of a soap opera.

But, I'll tell you this: most of the frustration from dealing with other people (family, coworkers, neighbors, etc.) comes from UNEXPRESSED EXPECTATIONS.

People do not know what you want or expect of you don't express it.
If you don't express your expectations, can you see how silly it is to be upset that they're not being met?

i'm glad your kids are living up to your expectations.
i'm still not sure why you expect the girlfriend to automatically know what your kids have been raised to know. do you TALK to this girl?
i cannot fathom how she 'keeps getting' dogs. tell her to find them homes if you don't want them. you CAN just say no. i certainly wouldn't tolerate that.
i'm glad she's working, and don't feel the necessity to award your son a medal for taking care of THEIR son while she does. he's the one who created 50% of this situation to begin with.
khairete
S.

DP.,

Frankly I thought she was rude for not offering to help out from the beginning before she moved in. And for those who said she deserves to spend her money on herself... really? Did none of you ever think perhaps she should have contributed to the welfare of her child? Sure - beat up DP's son who impregnated her - apparently on his own, without her knowledge or consent therefore relieving her of any obligation or responsibility. The last time I checked, it takes two to make a baby. Heck, the way some of you harped on him - he should be paying her child support as well during those two years where he worked and went to school while she lived rent free and had everything from electricity to sanitary napkins provided by his family.

And then you blame DP for not "setting ground rules, expecting too much, blah blah blah" instead of commending her for taking her in and being there for her for the last TWO years. Jeez. Oh wait... let me repeat what was told to me a few days ago by some of you.. "she just did it for herself to make herself happy."

No wonder why we have so many entitled, spoiled, lazy, irresponsible, whiny young adults. Reminds me of that story where the spoiled rich girl started yelling at her Daddy for buying her the wrong $100k car. I think most parents/grown-ups/most of society have become enablers of bad, selfish, self-centered behavior. Instead of teaching young ones to be hard working, responsible for their own actions/choices, and not expecting others to take care of them and their mistakes they just say "ah poor you, you have every right to behave poorly, selfishly, etc - here let me rant at how horrible everyone has been treating you while you take advantage of their kindness and continue to make bad choices."

Happy holidays =)

If you'd have said all this from the beginning it would have been so much easier....so glad to finally have the rest of the story.

Your kids sound great. She should still be able to get some assistance, he should be able to have his days for school and assignments. They need to work this out. They are a family and their rent, income, etc...is between them. Their rent is one part, not each.