Moms, I really need your help. Here's the situation...
I have a 10 month old daycare girl that is dropped off around 7 or 8pm most nights and most of the time she comes in sleeping. More than half of those nights she's picked up around 5 or 6am. So she doesn't really remember being dropped off or picked up. Maybe one or two nights per week she'll be dropped off early enough to be awake. But some weeks she's come in sleeping every night of the week. She has cried a few times at drop off and it does make mom uncomfortable. Mom has been good about it and left right away which is always recommended in these situations.
2 mornings per week I keep the little girl later so that mom can catch up on sleep. Mom is getting very little sleep and of course it takes a toll. On those mornings we have to try everything we can think of to try and keep the little girl happy. She sits in our laps, we sit outside on the swing with her, we try and engage her in as much play as possible. She plays, eats, cries, plays, takes a cat nap, wakes up and it all starts again until mom comes. Sometimes she screams very loud no matter what we do. We do put her in a crib and let her calm down on her own when she is overly emotional. Sometimes she falls asleep right away and sometimes we go back in a few minutes and bring her out to try again. You can tell she's cried a lot on those mornings because her nose and eyes get all red. She can crawl very well and is close to walking. She's smart and has hit all her milestones. But she's only 10 months and can't express herself. So of course, she cries anytime she wants something and we don't always know what she wants and we can't always give her what she wants. Personally, I think she's handling everything well considering she sleeps very well in my house. When I get up to change her diaper at night she goes right back to sleep. She doesn't wake up and get scared or wonder where she is. When she is with her mom she seems happy and well adjusted as much as any 10 month old can be. Mom and her are very close and mom says she does hold her a lot at home. If holding her helped here, we'd do it more. But for us it doesn't help much and sometimes not at all.
Mom is getting increasingly more upset and feeling as if she should be happy here all the time because she's been here for 2.5 months. This little girl does have a 2 year old brother and he is happy here. He's the polar opposite in personality. He comes in with a smile on his face and says hi Miss S. and plays happily until he's tired and will usually ask me if he can go to bed when he's tired. In the morning on those 2 late mornings he will ask me when mom is coming and when I tell him in a little while he's happy and goes back to whatever he's doing.
I am not personally complaining about any part of this. I've provided 24 hour care for 24 years and I've been down this road many times before. She will get through this adjustment and for all I know, this may just be the way she will be for the forseeable future. I don't think she is that unhappy. I believe she is looking for her mommy and considering her mommy is with her almost every single waking hour of her day, it doesn't seem out of bounds to me that she still wants her mommy more than us when she's only here and awake about 10 hours total out of 168 hours per week. Those 10 hours are not even all at once, but broke up an hour here or 2-4 hours there.
My problem is that I don't know what to tell mom. She's keeps asking me why it's not better and I don't have an answer for her because I don't even see a big problem. I've seen some kids deal with separation anxiety for months and months and some that never really had any separation anxiety at all. This schedule is not at all typical and I would not expect any typical results. Am I wrong? Is it just terrible that she isn't happy every minutes she here and awake at this point? I'd really like to collect some stories of other babies that had a hard time and did get over it eventually. The problem is that I know we are talking apples and oranges when comparing typical daycare children and the schedule these children are keeping.
Well it seems that mom has realized that her own lack of sleep is making things feel worse than they really are. Not only that, but she recently pulled a porta-crib out of storage. This baby sleeps with mom and mom can't get a lot done at home or even just sit and doze without baby all over her. So she told me today she is very grateful to us for teaching her to be in a crib. She used it yesterday and she played with her toys and gave mom a break. Today this little girl even played for an extra hour before getting cranky and then she took a nap right away. So we didn't have to listen to a lot of crying and she didn't go home with red eyes.
Thanks for your help. Sometimes we just need to get someone elses outside perspective.
It might help if she is dropped off when she is awake each day so she has more time with you. It such a hard schedule for her to get use to.
I can so relate to your mom! I used to work 3rd shift and I hated dropping my daughter off at night even though I knew she was sleeping while I was at work, I still felt like I was missing out on something. My daughter stayed from 10:30 at night till 3/3:30 in the afternoon the next day so I could sleep. My daughter was much older than 10 months too.
It sounds like this baby is going through separation which is normal. And even though she is at your house, most of that is spent sleeping so when she wakes up, she wants mommy. Maybe mom could drop her off earlier in the evening or even come and spend a few hrs at your house with her on the weekend. Baby sees you and mom as friends and you'll be able to learn some of her cues for her needs as she communicates with mom and then you can better help her on those mornings when you keep her a bit longer. And maybe mom can relax seeing you interact with her child as well.
Good luck!
S.
I have not ready any other answers so this may be a copy. but the mom needs to keep the little on awake. And give her to you awake. she will never get used to your daycare if she is asleep when she comes. sleeping from before she gets to you till after 8am is 12 hours of sleep or more. thats a lot of sleep. she needs to keep her awake to "meet" you and it will get better.
The only thing I would suggest is to possibly have Mom drop her off earlier, or pick her up a little later each morning. Not long, maybe just 30 minutes. That might help her get used to being at your house more.
I can relate to mom and feeling like you're doing something wrong (her, not you) by leaving the baby when she's screaming. It's tough, because if it were my child, I don't think anything would placate me. It's tough. Does the little girl have a lovey? Or maybe one of mom's old shirts? The familiar smell might help her calm down more. Or have her brother help you calm her down. Maybe he would be able to distract her.
Tell the mom what you just told us. She has a difficult schedule and it affects her baby. What's the big mystery about that? And like you said, the baby is really doing fine. No baby is happy 100% of the time. Maybe you should consider not reporting to the mother every instance that the baby gets upset during her time with you. Don't make a big deal out of it and catalog every teardrop and eventually the mother will relax about it. Most likely the mother is just expressing her guilt and anxiety about the situation and the best thing to do is help her feel OK about it.
I guess, my thoughts are these. does mom have any other choice? if not then, all you can do is reassure her that seperation anxiety is normal and that you do all you can to comfort her. Mom would probably appreciate it if you asked her opinion on how she wanted you to handle the situation, hold the baby, try to distract her, take her to a quiet room, etc. if the little girl doesn't already have a Lovey maybe mom can choose a stuffed animal or blanket that the girl has with mom and also brings to your place. you could try distracting her with (safe) water play, or poking playdough, kids are fascinated by stickers or putting pieces of construction paper on to the sticky side of contact paper. good luck
