I should begin by saying this is my first time at Mamasource. I am going through the hardest time of my life right now. I am so overwhelmed and feel totally alone and helpless. I would really like to meet some other women who have "been there and done that." So here's my story...
I have been with my husband for 14 years and married to him for 9 of those years. I was 18 when we met and very young and naive. When I married him I just knew I shouldn't be getting married but I did anyways. So by 23, I was married and by 26, I had my first child and by 28 my second child was born. We live in a nice home in a great neighborhood, our kids go to private school, and I am a stay at home mom. However, throughout our entire relationship he has been extremely verbally and emotionally abusive and at times escalated to being physical. Everything turns into an argument no matter how small the circumstance and most arguments happen in front of the children. He often turns to the children and includes them in the argument with “see how lazy or stupid mommy is.” They have seen way more than their share of heartache at their young age. Throughout our relationship he has taken away the money, threatened harm on me, nasty name calling, destroyed my things, puts down my family, tells me what friends I can have, treats me like a child and not his partner, tells me how stupid I am, all the while saying I provoke and cause his anger outbursts, and blames me for it all and I am crazy because I can’t see that. He says if I leave I will have nothing and how lucky I am to have him provide for me. As a father, he loves his children but he is a father of convenience.
I am so tired of it all and it has become so bad that I just can’t stay here anymore. I borrowed money from my dad so I could meet with two divorce lawyers without my husband knowing, I have also seen three different family counselors. They all say the same thing, "Get out, you are not safe!" But that is easier said than done. I am here alone, I have no money of my own, I have no family in Tampa, and those I thought were my friends ended in disappointment when they found out the truth behind closed doors. The lawyers tell me to file a DVI (domestic violence injunction which keeps him away from me by 500 ft) and I would have to go into court in front of my husband and tell the judge and the rest of the world everything that has happened. And the DVI is only temporary and may not be granted because I have never called the police and there are no records of what has happened between us because I did not want to jeopardize my husband’s military career. So it becomes he said she said…and I always lose every argument when it comes to my husband. He has a knack for it. So then what??? I stay in this house and have him kicked out, I don’t see that ending very well. But I have no money to leave. My closest family member is in Orlando but I can’t move the children more then 50 miles from where we live now.
The crossroad I am at now is figuring out an exit plan and finding the right lawyer that will look out for my children's best interest and mine so I can begin a new life, and hopefully a better one. I am hoping there might be an experienced mom out there that may have gone through a similar situation or knows someone who has or perhaps knows of a support group. If you have any good advice, I could use it right about now.
I agree with the Mom that said to call the Spring if you don't want to deal with DCF. But get out. Good Luck!
www.thespring.org (209 N Willow Ave, Tampa - ###-###-####)
http://www.familyplace.org/NETCOMMUNITY/Page.aspx?pid=191...
http://www.safetampabay.org/resourceguide/domesticviolres... This is a resource of names, addresses, phone numbers, and websites for the sheriff's office, the court system,and intervention services.
You need to contact an intervention service. Because your husband did successfully what abusers do-make you helpless by taking your money, you will need an intervention service such as The Spring to help you form your escape plan, which includes getting you to a safe house. I'm sure they have resources for the right kind of lawyer. Be aware that it will be the hardest time in your life. Your husband will punish you through his lawyer by trying the tactic of not letting you get anything financially or even try to take away your parental right. Many abusers play hardball in divorce court because they know how desperately you want them gone. Because you have children, though, he will use them to get to you whether he seeks complete custody or whatever. Even if you haven't pressed any charges against him, I'd try to keep the incidences written down. Or write them down as best as you can remember from everything over the years, and mail it to a friend or family member so he won't get it.
Erase all your history when going on the internet. It's under Tools on Internet Explorer. ("Deleting Browser History") But definitely seek help through Intervention first. Good luck.
You have my sympathy - and respect, for being willing to change and get on with your life! All I can think of is to try the Tampa Spring. Good luck!
first of all - being a Mom is the toughest job around - so he is the idiot and should be appreciative. There is alot going on here so it will be hard to address it all and be short and sweet, but will try. #1 - you aren't safe if this is abusive. #2 - move if you can to Orlando if your relatives are willing to help. #3 - you can do anything if you want to. I have been in your shoes. I left with nothing. #4 - get a divorce attorney - preferably female. #5 get a restraining order asap.
I will say this --it is always better to work out a marriage if possible - so if you think you can separate with a restraining order for now and he is willing to get help with his anger etc., I would choose that route - but I would not stay at this point and then make an offer to him for help- without you living there. The children will be the most impacted - I left when my daughter was 2 - she is now 11 and my divorce is still impacting her and will for the rest of her life. I wish you the best of luck - this is a horrible decision to have to make. If you are religious - read your bible. It will help get you through whatever comes your way.
Try calling:
Florida Coalition Against Domestic Violence
308 East Park Avenue Tallahassee, FL 32301
TOLL-FREE: 800-500-1119
Phone: ###-###-####
FAX: ###-###-####
I got their contact info from a link on the Women in Transition website. There doesn't seem to be a WIT in Florida (at least that I can find).
There is an organization that helps women and children in domestic violence situations. Check out www.thespring.org
This situation is not only happening to you, but also to your two young children. Yes, your choices may be tough, but you need to make the safest and healthiest decisions for the three of you. Please find some support and change your life for the better.
Good luck.
L.,
Please get out of this relationship - I highly recommend you contact the military as suggested in previous post. They are there for your support too, and have ways to help you in this situation. Don't be afraid of what will happen to his military career, they will make him pay his child support and repromand where needed. Remember it is not about him but you and your children at this point not him.
You will be in my prayers.
kathy
Bless your heart, L.. I will pray for you. You are not alone. You will make it through this and be stronger for it, and proud of yourself.
all the best,
L.
To L. B,
My heart goes out to you. As I am not in your situation I am a military spouse, stay at home mom and new in the Tampa area and have no family our friends in this area. My husband used to be a first sergent and I know all to well sometimes how the spouse gets overlooked or not believed in certain situations. I would like you to take a look at the following website http://www.crisiscenter.com/gcomres.htm This link provides a list to all the community resouces availiable here in the Tampa and my be a starting point to helping you get out of your situation. It will never hurt to give them a call and maybe they can provide some direction. Again I'm praying that this may be the start of the help you are looking for to get out safely. My heart and prayers go out to you and your children.
Hi L.,
Get out. There are resources that can help. There is a support service called "the spring." It's secretive and will try to keep you safe. Here is the contact #: ###-###-#### PO Box 4772, Tampa. Call them. I will pray for you.
C.
