Monhinkday was my birthday but all of our kids had baseball games so my hubby planned a night out for us last night instead. My 8 had a game last night so my mom took him. This morning she tells me first thing that my son is obviously the team joke and I should just take him offnthe team. What?!?! For a little background my 8 year old is slightly odd not at all like my older three. First of all he gets very serious about things especially things he likes. He is very loyal to his friends and sometimes seems obsessed with certain subjects. He also will say anything he thinks, is very sensitive about what others say about him though, he is very picky about what he will eat and what he wears, hates to be wet. Oh and cries constantly not a real cry but a fake whiny cry. I spend alot of time micromanaging him to make sure he doesnt do or say anything to offend anyone or hurt their feelings. He has posititve quirks too he is very dilligent about school work and always does his homework without being asked. He is super smart and he reasons and uses dialouge like an adult. Sometimes this makes him even more strange to other kids. He has a groul of friends and one best friend that he gets along with well but has trouble getting along with people who dont get him or dont know him well. He also doesnt think rules apply to him or something. I dont know how to explain it he knows the rules and repeats them back knows he supposed to do it but then doesnt. As for baseball he has been on the same team for three years he doesnt always listen and he gets restless especially when he plays out field. He loves to play though and most of the time wants to go but when we get there he acts silly. Appearently yesterday he thought he should get the team ball and was upset when he didnt. He cried about it all the way home. He isnt the best player on the team and the coach has his favorites but I keep him in because he likes it. I have already decided that he will take next year off and try something else. We have already had him evaluated for aspergers. The pediatrician says its just personality....my hubby says he is too babied and spoiled( he is my youngest) and I just dont know. He has gotten better as he gets older. My mom is constantly telling me something is wrong with him however the TWO times I had him evaluated for aspergers she said I was crazy and overreacting. I have no clue what to do.
I think it would be helpful if I add that I do admit I baby him alot more than I did my others at 8 and I am seriously working on that. He has been evaluated by both a pediatrician and the school psychologist both at my request. He doesnt have problems at school he makes decent grades A'S and B's. He has had more discipline issues than my other three but still.only two last year two this year. He also can be very charming! Most of the faculty at school like him. And I am not saying nothing is wrong maybe something is I just dont know what or who else to go to. I also dont want to keep insisting something is wrong if its just his.personality.
Before you even mentioned that you've had him evaluated for Aspergers, that was what I thought immediately!
By the time I got to the sentence, 'He is super smart and he reasons and uses dialogue like an adult.', I said to myself, 'Asperger's'.
I would insist on the pediatrician giving you a referral to a specialist. Not just a school therapist/psychologist.
There is a LOT to be said for people having their own quirks and not needing any help or intervention just because they have a few issues. We have become a label happy society that intervenes so fast that I believe the powers that be make things WORSE.
I believe that so long as he wants to be on the team he should be and that grandma may need to stay out of things. She isn't there everyday. Unless she is? In my case, I'm with my grandson more than my daughter as she lives with us and she works and goes to school full-time AND dates on top of that.
You've had him evaluated TWICE. Leave well enough alone and keep doing what you are doing. :) He sounds like a sweet kids with plenty of potential.
Sounds like your Mom needs to mind her own business if she doesn't have anything nice to say.
Further, you're not describing normal behavior (which you already know)- pediatricians are not really qualified to assess psych disorders & such. I would absolutely consult a pediatric psychiatrist or psychologist.
Honey, you need to get him the correct diagnosis. Who did the Aspergers evaluation... was it the pediatrician? Please take him to a child psychologist, or demand that the school pull together a panel to evaluate him - not just one person. Maybe he doesn't have full-on Aspergers, but the symptoms/behaviors you describe are so incredibly close to the exact definition that you owe it to him to push for a real evaluation, accommodations at school, and education for your family about how to help him deal with society. This isn't just his personality. Really. And it's not that he's babied or spoiled. He sees and reacts to the world differently than you (or your mom) do, and so his behaviors seem out of place. Even the positive quirks you mentioned -- and the fact that he's a wonderful loving kid who likes to do his homework -- those point to a PPD or Aspergers diagnosis.
Getting him diagnosed and learning how to help him is really important because he's different (you know this) but people are still expecting him to act neuro-typical... people like your mom. And having expectations that he can't meet put on him is not fair to your son. He's going to go through life feeling like he doesn't fit in, can't keep up, etc, unless you can help him learn coping techniques and reset people's expectations. This isn't something he can just grow out of, especially if he doesn't have extra resources around to help.
As you learn more about how his brain works and find resources that can help your family, you may find that there's a perfect baseball team out there for him... one that can accomodate his "quirks" and make him feel like he's really part of the team.
Who conducted the Asperger's evaluation b/c I think they were incorrect? A pediatrician is not qualified to assess or diagnose Asperger's. I would strongly suggest that you schedule an appointment with the school psychologist in the next month and request the following:
- Classroom Observation
- BASC (Behavior Assessment System for Children)
- Asperger's screener rating form (there are several, but most are pretty sensitive and valid)
- Copies of his school report cards, especially the comment sheets if you don't already have them
- Meeting to review all of that information prior to the end of the school year.
When you have all of this information compiled into a report from the school, you should request a referral to a neuropsychologist. This is the best person to assist you in differentiating b/w "personality" and possible medical condition.
Good luck and don't let the school year end without having something in writing from the school folks. That information is essential in developing an accurate diagnosis or learning/socializing profile for a child and it's very difficult to get in touch with the teaching staff during the summer!
If Grandma and Hubby are seeing something you arent, it might be good to step back and listen and act of some of their advice.
You do say he's your baby and you micro-manage him. Do you micromanage him because you have to or because you created the need to?
It sounds like he's emotionally immature, maybe from being babied too long, or maybe because he has a quirky personality, hard to say for sure here in this forum. The main thing is teaching how to adapt in the world, our job is to raise them to be socially acceptable adults and that begins at home.
My son has PDD which is close but not the same as Aspergers. Reading your story that is exactly how my son reacts to sports. Now he bowls, we are all much happier. :)
I agree with Krista P, it's all about the steps they take in diagnosis. Is it possible, that you could open the net wider then aspergers...perhaps there is something else he could be treated for. I think your husband might not be far off in his assessment regarding being a bit babied. Not sure, though. I'm not in your home, so I could never actually have an accurate opinion about that.
I encourage you to get him assessed again, because I hate to say this...he doesn't sound like he is functioning in healthy ways. There are therapies out there that could positively modify his behavior.
Sorry your mom said that! :( Let me tell you, I was (well, am) the worlds worst softball player in the world. Seriously. Can't throw, run, hit, or catch to save my life. I don't like to slide into bases. I'm not even sure I understand all the rules to this day. But you know what? I played softball for YEARS, as terrible as I was. Looking back, I honestly think they put me on this state champ winning team to be the token 'awful' player ;) But I enjoyed it! I had fun! I just sucked ;) I was 'the benchwarmer', 'the watergirl'... and I wouldn't take back those years for the world. Still have my bat bag and everything :) If your son enjoys it, let him play :) That was awful of your mom to say he's the joke of the team! I know *I* was, but so what?! It was great :)
Sounds like a genius. the brain is way advanced than the body. could be why he is acting up or whinny, his mind is bored. have that checked out, too.
Is your question about taking him off the team?
If so, I say if he likes it, let him play baseball.
Just because your mom made that comment, you don't "have to do" anything!
Was the team actually making fun of him? That is the only way he could be the team joke.
You admit to babying him so sounds like you dug yourself in a hole and now you want him diagnose with something so you can say to the world it isn't your fault.
Have you talked to his teacher? Maybe, he doesn't have aspergers, but something else. He is just being him. I can see you are a very caring and loving mom. He needs to learn the bounderies, but when he is older you will not be able to run interference. You might want to read Dr. Bob Greene's books. They may give you an insight on how your child's brain works.
All the best
J.
This is the deal...everyone has quirks. You've had him evaluated, it's just his personality and he's a growing kid. Remind your mother that she is not perfect and maybe even tell her to butt out! It's okay you know to tell you're mom that she is overstepping hers boundries.
Good luck,
DH
I would have him evaluated by a child psychologist. My daughter had abandonment issues when she was 7 due to my divorce, deaths of grandparents, etc. This was causing her to act up, so having her assessed and then treated by a psychologist was a lifesaver! She had even developed a fear of elevators, which the psychologist was able to help her overcome. Even if your son does not have an autism spectrum diagnosis, kids who are "different" can suffer self-esteem issues that are long lasting.
I can bet you are not alone in this kind of situation. Don't be hard on yourself.
You have a lot of responses and I admit I haven't read them all. First, I would suggest taking what your mom thinks about what happened last night at the game with a "grain of salt." That is one event that she has been so involved (not like coming to watch and sitting in the stands) ... anyway, I think she overreacted!
Second, I have two sons with Asperger's and, believe me, they are almost as different as night and day. I very much like the response from Krista P. Getting documentation from the school before this school year ends is pretty important, even if it is "hey, we did this eval and that one and got these results and observed x, y, and z behaviors..."
I would add that you need to ask your pediatrician, I mean insist, for a referral to a Child Psychiatrist. My pediatrician is very understanding and gets it when a mother like me says "I really need this checked out by a specialist" and I know that many pediatricians are not all like that. What you can expect is a folder full of paperwork and some answers from a specialist who can explain it all at _your_ level of understanding.
Good luck and go stand up for your child and his [emotional etc] health!
-D.
I have been involved in autism for 5 years with my son. Your son is acting differently to regular kids. Google for doctors who treat autism, and try to find one that sounds good to you. I had a health care nurse tell me I was "over mothering" and said my son did not have autism when he was about 2yrs old. Boy was she wrong!
Like the others all have said, the things you said sound like aspergers. When I saw the comment on being a picky eater a flag went up. This is something that people say in so many cases of a spectrum disorder like autism or aspergers that it is an "oh, he has it" moment for me. You son has loads of potential. Don't waste time, getting therapy for him as soon as possible! With or without a diagnosis you can get some therapy for him. You may have heard of ABA. This is really the best ftherapy for behavior that needs attention. I really believe that a mother knows the little signs instinctively if there is something that is wrong. For the sake of your son act on your feelings. You don't say where you are. Are you in Houston?
Do something now, it is best to act early.
A pediatrician isn't going to be able to diagnose the situation as well as a child psychiatrist. He will be able to help you pinpoint what he is thinking and what you need to do or not do.
It is really hard not to baby the youngest but it is great that you recognize it and are working on it. Just keep examining what you are doing to see what behavior you are rewarding in some way and what behavior you are not rewarding. When you baby an 8-year-old, you might not realize that what you think is comforting to him is really not allowing him to feel pain and learn to deal with the reality of difficulties in the world. Dads are really good at making little boys grow up and become a man. Let your husband help you deal with your son more. It will seem harsh to you but you do want your little boy to become a man.
You did the right thing getting him evaluated for Aspergers and other autism spectrum disorders. What were the results of the testing? You need to keep pursuing testing for various things. It sometimes takes a long time to find exactly what causes certain behaviors in kids, and the first tests don't always get to the point.
I'm sorry your mom isn't more supportive. Moms (meaning you) usually have the best instincts about what their kids need, and you're on the right track. Your son sounds a little bit like mine at that age, and he was ultimately diagnosed with ADD.
Good luck! He sounds like a great little guy, and you're giving him the support he needs.
from what you said it seems like you should stop micromanaging him and let him learn from his mistakes. your not helping him by taking him out or allowing him to think its ok and normal to cry all the way home. he can cry and make mistakes. let go a bit more. listen to your husband and allow your son to grow and learn what others expect of his behavior by making mistakes. i think bulling has been blown way out of porportion. when the other kids tease him and you run to his rescue its really not good for his development. not only does he need to learn what others think is weird but to stand up for himself too. now if it gets out of hand and your son is becoming depressed for days about it or its more harassment then you can step in first with teaching your son how to deal with these matters on his own. most important thing you can do for your kids is to teach them how to live on there own....over the years.
