I Need Help with Husband Favoring Step Daughter

I am a mother of two and the third on the way. I can relate to the step-child situation except that I have a child from a previous marriage and sometimes feel over-protective of him. I don't know the ages of the other children but I would suggest a plan of chores for all the children to pitch in. In this way you can discuss this in private and have a consistent plan of chores for all to pitch in within the family. I would keep a calendar on the wall for all to see the chores and no one will feel picked on because it is laid out fairly. I used this myself and it works very well for everyone.

Maybe he and his daughter had a private conversation one day and maybe she was feeling like she was asked to do too much? Not saying she was, maybe she just FELT that way? I don't know, it's a thought? Maybe ask him if his daughter might feel overwhelmed but she was afraid to talk right to you for some reason? oh I don't know...I'm not in that situation. just a thought

Find family counseling and go. He must understand the family dynamics or a loss to all is the outcome. All the children may need to see the counselor too, but be patient with him, there is some item he has not come to grips within himself.
Regards,
E. H

Please get counseling. Even if it is just for you and he will not go. I recommend Elizabeth Dahlmeier-Sousa LMFT, 143 N McCormick St Ste 204 - ###-###-####. My husband and I have been married now ten years but oh the misery of the first three with our children. I have two sons and he has a daughter. I promise you this same event happened to us - over and over again. We almost split up several times over it and the kids went through such awful episodes in the house with us. Please please get to church and get to counseling. Mixing families is a art. Plus you two are carrying baggage from you previous relationaships. I will lift you up in prayer but know that it can work out. We are doing great (with counseling - I could kick myself for waitng so long) and our kids are friends. They are out of the house and really like to have family dinners. We are a family now and it is good.

D.

Maybe you need to have a round table talk with all the children present and let each one of them express their concerns and issues. Let them express this without interuption until each one,that wants to talk about the situation, has finished.
The main thing you don't want going on is his daughter playing two ends against the middle when she wants something or doesn't want to do something. Just remember that it's not fair to your other children and he needs to be made aware of it. They were there before he got there and need to be respected as such. Good Luck. It's tricky but it can be worked out so that everyone is comfortable with being together.

Hi Brandi,
I don't have much advice for you, but maybe you could use this. A year ago I married my husband, he has a 7 year old son, I have 3 kids, ages 14, 13, and 11. I asked him one time why we don't fight about our kids the way I hear other couples do. He told me that he trusted me and loved me and my kids enough to marry me, then it only makes sense that he should trust my judgement with his son as well. Kinda like, if you are good enough for him, why shouldn't you be good enough for his daughter too?!?
Good Luck,
P.

I went through a similar thing with my husband and stepdaughter. Your husband has to be the primary disciplinarian of her and you have to be the one for his stepkids or it will be more difficult. Sit down in private with your husband and talk about what is fair in terms of chores for all the kids. Let him know that any discipline for the kids needs to be discussed privately first, then with the kids.

next time he asks your sons to do something, let him know that unless he plans on asking his daughter to help you, that they do not have to do anything. and do it in front of them, they way he did in front of your stepdaughter. maybe it will put it in perspective for him.

I am a mom to 5 (one of them my 9year old step-son). I had to smile when I saw your questions because we are still dealing with the problem even after being married and living under the same roof for 2 years. My husband is very over-protective of his son because of his ex. He fought tooth and nail to get custody and it was a bloodbath. She is not capable of caring for any of her children, has lost custody of them all, but still made it horrible and continues to do so.
You need to figure out why your husband is so over protective. Talk to him about it. Waste a date night to do so if you must. You need to be away from the kids and not upset about a recent incident. I had to remind myself yesterday that baseball practice does not preclude one from doing what they are supposed to do. And then I had to remind my husband that although he has practice that he still needs to listen and needs to have consequences if he does not. Our two biggest issues is my step-son not listening and my step-son talking back. Both I think are partly age related and partly because he is still having mom issues.
Don't let this destroy the bond you and your husband have. You really need to address it, or it will. Good luck, my prayers are with you.

Brandi - My hear goes out to you.
Sounds like time for a 'family meeting' where chores and activities are clearly defined - but not until you have a private meeting with your husband. You don't like him criticizing you in front of the children, either, so it's only polite to ask him for a few moments privately when something like this happens. And the sooner the better. The best way to face a problem when you've been hurt like that is to say things like, "When you do ________, it makes me feel _______. Then you won't be just accusing him or labeling him, and emphasize that it hurt you. Anger is a secondary emotion - pain comes first. If a person doesn't want to admit or feel it, it's easier to jump to anger. Your husband is probably hurting because of whatever pain he feels for his daughter, but classically many guys don't wish to look 'weak', and use anger to express their pain. You're going to have to be the strong one here, psychologically, to try and figure this all out dispassionatly. If you can allow him get his feelings out 'behind doors' and not criticize him for having feelings too, then he will most likely agree to have a family meeting, and you can decide on fair chores, consequenses, etc then as a family, where everyone can air their ideas in a civilized manner. Family meetings are a great way to let everyone know the 'rules of the game' for good behavior and polite manners, etc, that you want to see instituted in your family (ie: no name calling, taking turns talking, no raising your voice when speaking, etc). I wish you the best! You sound like a smart lady and you probably already know all this, instinctively. It's a hard job, being a mother and a wife - but its ALL worth it! Don't give up!

Sometimes people go into parenting trying to do all the things for their child that they themselves wanted when they were kids. They truly feel that being a good parent means keeping any and all unpleasantness away from their kids. He probably also has divorced parent guilt, and is trying, the best way he knows, to make sure that his daughter feels loved. Unfortunately, it will make things worse between everyone in the family. If family feels like a constant competition to see who gets more love or priviledges, or who will pair off against someone else, it becomes squabbling roommates instead of a family.

Men are very sensitive to being told they're doing something wrong, and don't like to be asked to change. Still, it has to be done! Find a time when he's not upset, and in private say something like, "The kids need to know that we're a team, and that we'll always back each other up. If I don't agree with something you've asked any of the kids to do, I'll take it up with you in private later. If you disagree with me, please take me aside and explain why in private. But you've also got to listen to what I'm thinking - that's only fair. I don't want the kids resenting each other or either of us, because it's very hard for a family to function that way." Don't just swallow your ideas or feelings when you don't agree with him, because then he won't know they exist. He'll assume that you always agree with him, and then it will come as a complete surprise when you don't agree.

Maybe you and he could draw up a chore chart, or agree on jobs for each of the kids, and agree that before either of you asks any of them to do a job that's not on the list, you'll discuss it with each other first. Get him books or magazines to read, or advice from a respected friend that he might be receptive to. Parenting magazines (you can find lots at the library or online) might give him an idea of what age appropriate jobs are.

Hi Brandi

I have a son from my first marriage and a daughter with current. He favours his daughter over my son. It's very obvious. Here is my suggestion. Make a list of everyone's chores..stick it on the fridge so everyone can see it. Make it so that everyone (all kids) have there fair share. Ie one week it's someone's turn to do dishes, someone elses turn to take out trash..they all have to clean up after themselves. This way no one feels they are getting a bum rap. Also..I did this with my son..I was included on the list of chores..For example I'd come home from work...make dinner...after dinner if we wanted to watch T.V during the commericals he would do dishes..I'd change over the laundry..we did it at the same time so he could see that it wasn't only him doing stuff it was a "team" effort. Hope this helps

D.

Dear Brandi;
when I got married for the second time my husband acepted my kids. But he never interfear with the dicipline that was my job they were my kids. I dont know how long you have been married so this is for your benefit. If I was you I would let him dicipline his own child and tell her what she needs to do. And you can dicipline your children and tell them what to do.

So when he ask you what is going on you can tell him sience he doesnt like when you ask his daughter to help you around the house so the best solution is for both of you do do you own dicipline and chours. And also tell him you love his daughter as much as he loves your kids but this is a better solution for the two of you unless he has any sugestions.
maybe he will realize that when to people that get re-married
with kids is not easy but you guys acepted each other that way. But one adviced i would like to give you is to talk in private away from the house where the kids are not around you. Do it also with Love in your heart. Good Luck and God Bless you and your fam. I would love to hear from you. e-mail address ____@____.com
Anna Leger

There are so many great responses here from people who have been there, so I don't think I can add anything as far as the husband/step-daughter issue goes. I do feel compelled to plead with you, though, to stop using paper plates. This is a horrible, horrible strain on the environment. I'm not saying to never use them, but to use them for every meal is nothing short of irresponsible. Please just try to imagine all those bags of paper plates filling up the landfills...then try to imagine all the resources being used to make all those paper plates. I'm sorry, I don't usually preach like this, but we are an incredibly wasteful society, and using real plates and washing them (being careful not to waste too much water in the process) is one really simple way to cut down on some of that waste.

I'll make this one easy.....I've been there and I am so glad that I used the approach that I did. I chose to develop a relationship with my stepchild that was based on love, respect and understanding. I chose to do this because of all the strained relationships I have experienced not only around me, but also on television, in books, all over. When I decided to do this I had one intention and one only and that was that when I decided to be in this relationship, I knew there was a step-child and I nutured the relationship I had with my step-child as much as I did with my partner. I knew that if this family arrangement was going to work, I would have to incorporate my relationship with both. I'm so glad I did. I have the most loving and respectful relationship with both and every time (I MEAN EVERY SINGLE TIME) that something like what you mentioned above even started to happen, because I had a solid relationship with my stepchild in place, it never ever got to me, I knew that as a parent, I had the responsibility, to ensure that all my children were treated equal, and my stepchild knew that because of our relationship, he respected my opinions, direction and love unconditionally. That does not mean we did not have our ups and downs because we did, but he respected me because I respected him and our relationship had nothing to do with my relationship with his father, and although I've experienced it on more than a couple of occasion, his father's (how do I put this, although unintentional, blatant gesture to appear to be protecting, immature, okay, maybe that's a little harsh, but with all do respect, that's how it appeared) I was able to stay on top of it, and he was utterly speachless that OUR CHILD, RESPECTED MY DIRECTION. In my house, I am the Adult and my spouse would occassionally give me this look of AWE when I am with my children, I suppose he didn't think it would every be this way, maybe because of what he has seen or experienced, but he knows differently now. He knows we are A FAMILY, TOGETHER WE ARE A FAMILY. In your house, you should feel the same way, you should be comfortable enough to express yourself and live the dream you are ENTITLED TO. Reconsider how you might have handled it with a little of this as your insight of what it could be like. I've seen alot of these battles lost - HOPEFULLY WITH WHAT I HAVE GIVEN, IT WILL BE ONE THAT IS WON!

Well is it certainly is not the children but it is a lack of cohesive parenting. Your husband and you should consider what to do in the future not what was done in the past. So maybe sit down with the entire family and discuss as a whole what is expected with a small prior meeting with your husband. Focus on solutions not problems and everything will start going in the right direction. Having a different parenting ways is very confusing and it sets up problems in the future so it is best to get on the same page as soon as possible. Best wishes O.

I am also a step-mom, though I do not have kids of my own, I also stay home with the kids. There are times that my husband will contridict what I have said in front of the kids and at the beginning it really upset me. I felt that it was hard enough on all of us to have the transition of me living there without there being obvious conflict between the "parents". I had to talk to my husband after the kids were asleep and I reminded him that if we are to be a happy family the kids have to see me as a parent and not just an adult and when he overrides what I say he destroys any progress I have made for them to see me that way. I reminded him that I have only the best interest for everyone in mind and if he feels that I am not doing something correctly or that I am too harsh than he should bring it up to me in private and unless it is something that is going to bring actual harm to the kids then it is not appropriate to display the conflict in front of them. Of course I also reminded him that I would pay him the same respect, because even though he is a wonderful father, he is not perfect and does on occasion make a mistake. Things have been much, much better since that discussion and has on occasion had to be repeated, but it is always a work in progress. In your case with your own kids and a step, maybe showing your husband that your own kids are asked to do whatever you have asked your step-daughter to do will help also. Our three kids do split the setting, clearing and dishes chore so that they are all helping with dinner in some way. Good luck!! Just remember, things can't get better if your husband doesn't know why you are upset.

I live with the same situation. please talk with your husband and lay things out on the table that if you guys don't agree then talk in private. NEVER IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN!!!!
Make a chore chart, put things on paper who is going to do what ,what day. THen nobady but the kids should complain.
Good luck

Another thought would be-make a list of chores and assign them each week so everyone helps and everyone knows what is expected. I don't know if all your kids are old enough but if so then rotate names each week. Boys can do dishes and girls can clean cars and trash. If they all have 1 or 2 chores a day, they cannot complain.

As a step-mother to one who was 5 at the time we married (now 14), and I had two already for my husband to be step-father to, it is difficult. However, it takes the two of you having a deep conversation if not multiple deep conversations about how the two of you will be with all of the children. There was a short period after being married where we both had to feel out the others children - living space wise. After that, it was this is how our family would work the best. We treat all the children the same, they eat the same way, they clean equally and have basically equal amount of chores (although some chores they will always feel are more difficult). The key for us is that we don't single anyone out, and that we don't keep one chore for any of them. We are always respectful when we ask the kids to help clean with whatever....unless they become disrespectful about it. Any which way you look at it, you and your husband have to calmly talk and you need to share how his behavior makes you feel when you are upholding what he says/does with your children. It has to work both ways. You and your husband cannot let the step child issue work a wedge into your marriage, it will doom you. God bless you and good luck. You can do it!

Hang in there. Help is just a click away. I have 3 my husband has 1. If you know that it will be work everyday to gather your family as one, you have won. You and your husband need a regular date night. PROTECT this night as a priority. Take the first 10 minutes to point out in detail what each other has done great and admirable this last week then spend 10 minutes on 1 issue and stop - to be resumed at another time. Each get 5 minutes. Do this in a public place - better manners. Next, 15 minutes on outlining who parents who and to what extent. You have to do this every week - kids change and so do our duties. This all puts you and your husband on the forefront. Bottom line, it is very hard to be the at home parent with ALL of the parenting time you have and not be able to disciplin all of the kids. You cannot do it to your step child. You are her 'camp counselor only' and he the same to your kids. Nothing short of a felony needs to be taken care of THAT moment. Wait until the other is home and hope that the time you have put into your marriage will pay off and you will be heard and appropriate action (usual a comprimise) will be taken; to feel supported. Here is a good sight both my husband and I read every month: http://www.blended-families.com/blended-family-needed.html Good luck in a crummy situation - PS make time for yourself to stay healthy and clear mind:) L.

I feel for you. I know it is hard and I also have a 9 year old stepdaughter and 12 year old stepson. What you asked her to do sounds very reasonable and good for her to learn to help out. What your husband did in front of you was very rude. If he has an issue with what you ask, he needs to talk to you in private about it. Hang in there!

Dear Brandi. Stand your ground and do not get defensive in front the kids. I know this is frustrating, but you have to keep talking to your husband and get it through his thick skull that you married him with love in your heart for both him and his daughter and you want your whole house to run as one not a divided war zone. Talking to the daughter without her dad around about how much you love having a daughter since you only have boys means to you. Tell her that when you ask her to do something it is not a punishment but just something that you naturally do to all of your kids because even though you are not her birth mom you still feel like her mom and want her to know that you feel the same about her as your boys. Good luck hun Stay strong.

This is normal in blended families..He feels guilt for what he has done to his daughter and it is hard on her as well as your kids to go thru a new family. She sees her dad taking on your kids and there may be more problems in the future with all the kids as well. Counseling may be necessary to help blend this family and help deal with issues that arise. Be patient and kind and remember this is his daughter. Blended families have a higher rate of divorce so you must take this into consideration. Please get all the family into therapy.

By now you may have had all the advice you need. If not here are some ideas; Ask your husband what his views on teaching personal and family responsibility are. Listen to his response do not try to convince him to agree with you if he does not. If he does agree with you then his actions the other night were not thought out and he must have felt reluctant to admit to anything but his need to be his daughters' hero. Fine postition but frankly she needs a Father. That postition is recognizing that family responsiblity helps reinforce personal responsablity. A character trait that will help his daughter more in life than just hero worship of her Dad.I know your upset he undermined your authority in front of the kids. Talk about the boundaries now when the children have all gone to sleep, when neither of you is upset about some incident. Ask your husband if he is a traditional man, does he want you to submit to his authority and if so in what ways can you do so while your husband openly shows his love and respect for you within your family? Do not argue in front of your children until years have established your mutual bond and maybe not even then.:) Try to work this out. It is not that you want him to take your side as much as you want him to respect your roll as Mother to his daughter. If you can with honesty say it is not your team against his then strive to show your husband daily your love for all your children and how that love takes the greatest form- PARENTING.
Best to you and your family.
C. O.

Dear Brandi,

Blended families are the most difficult, the divorce rate is extremely high I think you probably are aware of that.

Your husband feels guilt, as should you, for what his daughter and your children have gone through.

Does your husband's daughter live with you, your children and your husband or does she just come to visit her dad in your home? Which technically makes her a weekend guest Brandi. Do you expect your other guests to do household chores when they come to visit? She has chores, I'm sure where she lives (probably with her mom).
If she lives with you and your husband does your husband's daughter have her own space in your home? If not, where does she sleep when she visits? Boy going from house to house must be difficult for a 9 year old! How do you and your husband's daughter get alond Brandi?

How long have you and her father been together? How long has he been divorced from her mom? Remember something Brandi every most children want their parents to be together, even when they faught.

You are the new woman in her dad's life. And now where does she fit in to the picture? Not only do you represent a reason why her parents can not be together (in her child's mind) but additionally, with your cozy new family set up where does that leave her? How does that make daddy's little girl feel?

Of coarse, your husband if he has half a paternal bone in his body will be protective of his daughter. His daughter should have been the first priority to begin with. If he could not work it out and remain with his wife (I am assuming it was divorce- perhaps he was widowed)so his daughter had an intact family than he should have remained single until she was much older. As should you.

His focus and yours should have been purely on your children and your parenting not on your love lives for reason's such as these until your children were all older and or 18 and out of the house.

But that did not happen. And I would anticipate because of his guilt that if he is half the father he sounds like his daughter will continue to come first and you will always come second. Oh and do me a favor please don't complain about child support or money he gives to help support her.

Our children do not adapt as well as we wish they would to these circumstances divorce, death, remarriage and new babies, our love lives and dating. Whether she demonstrates this to you in obvious ways or not. She is 9 years old and can't articulate all these things yet.

I hope that this will give you some insight into how divorce and remarriage can effect all memebers of the "family".

Hi Brandi,
I was a nanny for a father of 4 girls and a mother of 2 more who were newly married. Your situation sounds all too familar. Unfortumately, the parents weren't able to work it out. The kids and parents were in counseling, but the parent's differences expecially in chores and discipline split them. Since you are already a mother of 4, I know you must have a huge heart for kids already. This may even be something your new husband loves about you.
Remember that bible verse that people have mostly in weddings?..

1 Corinthians 13:4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps not record of wrongdoing, Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

My only advice to you is to make this the motto of your life in this season you are in. Love your husband and your new daughter by respecting him even when it is the hardest. He will notice your change in heart and it will be such a blessing in your marriage to submit even if you catch grief from your little ones.
Be encouraged that your changed heart will transform the whole situation. I will be praying for you. Please check out www.loveandrespect.com or www.fanily.org for more advice.
M. M.

Hi Brandi
I was a step mom to 3 and I know what you are going through. One of my step daughters came to live with us when she was 15 years old. I had our 3 month old daughter. Life became chaotic, as my husband did similar things. Unfortunately, when your husband did this in front of his daughter, the message he gave her was that you had no authority and things will only get worse, if you and your husband do not get it together. It became as though I had another woman in my house and not a child.

I want to suggest that you and your husband seek marriage counseling for blended families. You and your husband sit down and discuss house rules, chores and consequences for all the children. That the majority of activities are done as a family and any discussions or complaints are discussed between you and your husband first before presenting the info to the children. I would suggest that discipline should be handled by the biological parent, as resentment would be the results from the step parent. But it should be based on the decision of both adults. It is the responsibility of the adults to set the guidelines for this family to blend into one cooperative unit.

Brandi, unfortunately my husband passed away when our daughter was 3 years old. He left a fragmented family that never blended with no cherished family memories. I would like to believe that if my husband could have seen into the future and see his untimely death at a young age of 42, that he might have handled things differently. It is too late for my husband, but not for yours.

The 15 year old is now 34 years old with 3 children of her own. After,over 15 years with no contact,we ran into each other in a store, She has apologize several times and I had forgiven her long before she ever apologize. We talk on occasion. The sad part is that my daughter did not grow up knowing her big sisters on an intimate level and has minimum contact now.(at one time it was no contact-so I guess it is better)

I hope you and your husband can work this problem out before it gets worse. If he can agree with you in front of the children and you can discuss your differences behind close door. Home should be everyones refuge from work, school etc not a battle zone.

You take care and I hope this helps. Life is too short, but too precious.

S. C.

Family and marriage counseling. you need both. Even healthy marriages and relationships can benefit from this so don't feel it's a put down. Do it today. I'm praying for you.

Hello Brandi,
The first thing I can recomend will be communication. Have a talk with your husband when both of you are calm. Talk about how you feel about the situation and try to come up with solutions together. Make sure that you find out why he feels that he has to be on the deffensive with his daughter, specially if you are treating all the children the same.
I think that if both of you sit down together and come up with a chore chart for all of the kids, no one can feel that they are being treated unfarely and everyone has an assigned thing to do. Don't forget praises and "thank you's" when they do their chores especially when they do things without being told or extra things. I know it is easier to point our the negavite (I know I do it more than I wish I did) and we forget to acknowledge the good stuff.
Good luck!