Step Fathering Questions?

Blended family counseling and maybe marriage counseling. His statement was inappropriate. Somehow you need to get on the same page again and do right by each other and her.

You need to go to marriage counseling with a counselor who deals with blended families. Your husband is telling you that if you don't let him bully your daughter, that he doesn't want to be married to you. This is serious stuff.

PLEASE get him to counseling with you. Your daughter doesn't deserve where he is coming from here.

Dawn

We have a blended family. My oldest son and stepdaugther (now ages 14 & 15) were 3 when we met and 5 when we got married. They've known each other and us as long as they can remember. My son's father has never been in the picture, my SD has lived with us for 2 years with no interaction with her mother.

Even after all this time, we do not directly discipline each others' kids. It just triggers too much defensiveness on the part of the bio parent. When the kids were younger, we had house rules and if one parent wasn't around, the other reinforced the house rules. These were immediate actions for simple things (if you're not hungry for dinner, you don't get dessert; if you hit someone or throw something or backsass anyone, you get a time out, etc.) where the rules and consequences were already known, agreed on, and communicated in advance. Just the same way you would have someone watching your child handle discipline, be it a baby-sitter, friend or family member.

When things came up (and come up) that require a more serious consequence, the bio parent is ALWAYS consulted with first and delivers the consequence (or both do it together).Now our "routine" discipline things will be things like that if they take their phones to school (which is against our rules), they lose phone privileges for at least a week. If they leave an electrical appliance (like a hair iron) plugged in and on, we take it away, etc. For more serious things like not being where they said they were going to be, not reporting home in a reasonable period of time after school, being unreachable when out of the house, poor grades, bad attitude, breaking things, losing expensive things, being ignorant or nasty towards other siblings, inappropriate texts or electronics use, etc. we consult with each other before deciding on a consequence.

My husband definitely has had a hard time not being able to punish my son as harshly as he would like, but his view of my son is grossly unrealistic and I can't trust him to be a reasonable disciplinarian, so he doesn't have that privilege. If he could view my son from a more realistic perspective and prove himself to be reasonable and measured in discipline and on the same page with me regarding techniques, etc. then I would more freely share this job with him given that there is no other father in the picture.

The experts are very much on your side - you are the primary disciplinarian. If your daugther acts in a way that he thinks warrants a consequence, he needs to consult with you and you are the one who will handle it. You are her mother. He is the guy you married.

I'm sorry (see my response to the step parents disciplining kids question)
But no. He needs to step off.
You are her mother.
He may be her stepfather, and her real father may not be in her life but makes no difference.
He needs to play by YOUR rules, and if he's not man enough to do that you've got a problem, IMO.
If this ( or any ) situation feels *wrong* in your gut--then it is.
Your loyalty is first to your child.
Good luck!

You married him, she has no relationship with her "real" father therefore he IS the only father she knows.
I suggest the two of you sit down and talk about this, away from your daughter, and come up with a plan that works for both of you.
If you truly can't agree then you need to seek counseling, or a sit down with a pastor or other third party.
And if you can't accept the kind of husband and father he wants to be, well then, maybe you shouldn't be together.

If my husband told me that I could not "baby" our DD or we'd be headed for divorce....we would be heading for divorce (or at least counseling).
What he said was disrespectful to you and the fact that he (presumably) said this in front of your child is unacceptable.
It does not matter whether he is her bio-dad or not, the situation would not have been any different if he was yelling at your bio child together.
You need to communicate with him and agree on acceptable parenting strategies, get help if you need.
Good luck

I agree with Mamazita. I hope he balances out his stern behavior with lots of love. If he doesn't, that's where the real problems will come in. If all he is being is a disciplinarian, then that is not the proper approach.

You shouldn't disagree in front of your daughter, but you should work out a plan that suits you both. And that plan needs to include his spending loving time with her.

Never disagree in front of the children. Talk to him afterwards and ask him his reason for a particular issue you disagree with. I would not start accusing him with the "you are not really her father". Biology has very little to do with it, the one who cares for her and helps her and loves her is her father. But you need to talk about this when you are not angry. You do not give any specifics, who knows, perhaps you are babying her, perhaps he is being way too harsh, who knows. But you can only come to a middle ground if you talk.

I 100% agree with JB . . . she's got good stuff in her post. I would read that one again. And I'd seek out some counseling on how to handle this.

There is no way I'd allow my husband to take over for me with my child (his step-child). That is an abrogation of my responsibility; not to mention, it damages the relationship between the child and the step-parent imho.

Sure, do all that and don't be surprised if he is serious and divorces you.

I think you would be hard pressed to find any divorced mom that doesn't have mommy guilt. We do allow our kids to walk all over us at times. He started out nice, backing you up, saying listen to mom. Thing is over time watching you never back yourself up it becomes obvious you are all talk and no action.

A guy who could care less about your kid would just continue to allow the death spiral, after all they could care less how your kid turns out, ain't his problem. Good men step up the game, they discipline. It may make you want to defend the child but they are actually doing the right thing and they are doing it out of love.

Because I am an outsider I feel I should point out what doesn't seem obvious to you. You are not asking for the middle ground you used to have, you are asking for your old standard of discipline which clearly isn't working. A middle ground is something between your two styles not him always backing you up. If that was what you were going for he would probably be on board, instead he is disciplining from a point of frustration.

All four of my kids are steps to my husband, I know that feeling of don't talk to my child like that. Nearly every time I calm down I know he was right, that they needed to be reprimanded for their actions. They love Troy because they know what to expect from him, the love being around me more since I brought him into their lives because I have become a more stable parent, they know what to expect from me when they do something wrong (it is no longer a function of how tired I am).

I met Troy in the middle, you should try it with your husband because I am pretty sure that was not an idle threat he made about not staying in the marriage.

You need to talk w/ your husband when your daughter is not present and not when you're having a disagreement. You need to come to an agreement regarding rules and punishments....this would be true even if he was her bio-father because if a parent (step or not) is being too harsh, it is the other parent's job to stand up to the first parent...maybe not at that moment but definately address it.

Discuss what your expectations are regarding your daughter's rules and consequences. Tell him that while he views your way as "babying", you view his way as sometimes too harsh and you need to be on the same pages somewhere in the middle.

What he said tells you everything.

He said you have to let him treat her like this or get a divorce.

So here's what you need to do. You need to take some time when you have time to process and think rationally. What are your limits with your daughter.

Is he really being to gruff with her?

Did she need to be in trouble for what he got on to her for?

Is he really out of line?

Do you baby her too much and let her get away with stuff because you feel bad that her dad is not in the picture?

Do you get on to her differently? How, what is your method of discipline?

These are all questions you need to ask yourself and be totally honest about it. If you let her run over you and don't make her mind he's probably overreacting and overcompensating for all the stuff she's getting away with.

If he's too hard on her then why, why does he feel that way?

Now, once you know how you feel about stuff it's time to sit down with him and ask him what his feelings are.

It DOES NOT MATTER if he's her father or not, his feelings are HIS feelings and he has a right to feel them. Listen to him and process what he's saying, what the under meaning is.

This way you can learn to see things from his point of view. This is important because he's the one closest to you and sees things you may not be willing or able to realize about yourself.

Once you have this talk I suggest you take a day or two to think about what he has told you. Look at the bigger picture. How does what he said effect your parenting skills. Is he right? Do you discipline her or do you let her get away with all sorts of stuff?

Now it's time to sit down again and decide where you are going from here.

If he's totally right then it's time to make changes, if he's totally wrong then it's time to compromise. Small things first so he's not bombarded with "You're doing everything wrong".

Making some compromise on consequences will make both of you feel better. It will also make you more consistent with consequences.