Grandparents Showing Favoritsm Getting Worse

You told her that her percolator was unsafe and that he wanted his own? That was not nice of you!

You want him go have his own? You buy it.

I have a similar issue with my in-laws. At some point you have to just let it go, and like another post said, don't speak badly about them but don't cover either. All their favoritism has ended up doing is creating a strained and tense relationship in the whole family. My kids are so comfortable with my parents and at their house, almost to the point of it being their own house and them being another set of parents (to an extent). With my in-laws, they complain if we are going to their house and really don't want to spend the little amount of time the in-laws ask to spend with them. They feel like its always on the in-laws terms and very contrived and fake. I don't blame them for how they feel, but they know they are to be respectful at all times. My kids are still young enough (11 & 13) that I can still "make" them spend time with their grandparents, but at some point I don't know if I will force it if they don't want to.

I would stop asking them to the kids events and defined them on FB. Spend more time with the grandparents that care.

Updated

I would stop asking them to the kids events and defined them on FB. Spend more time with the grandparents that care.

Expectations are the road to hell. You are expecting your in-laws to be something other than who they are. You cling to a "should" - "They should treat the grandkids equally." Whether they should or shouldn't, they don't. You cannot change them. You can express how you feel and what you see openly, clearly and directly. However, you cannot communicate with the intention to get them to change. You can only share how it is affecting you.

Letting go of the expectation/shoulds and simply accepting that it is the way it is will allow you to feel better. I know that sounds strange, but really, acceptance always feels better than arguing with reality. Somehow we cling to false ideas like "life should be fair" and it only makes us feel frustrated, angry, and hurt. If we simply acknowledge that life (and the people in it) aren't fair then we have the ability to choose how we respond to unfair situations and people. Your choices can then be based on good communication skills, boundaries, and taking responsibility for your own well-being rather than giving your power away to someone else.

You are allowing your in-laws' behavior to cause stress in your life rather than letting them be the way they are and moving on in your life without attachment to how they should be.

You may still feel hurt. However, allow yourself the space to feel the feelings and then move on. Focus on self-care rather than on making someone else different. Focus on teaching and learning from the situation rather than changing something that can't be changed.

We all want to feel better. Too often, though, we focus on shifting the wrong things. We can shift our own thoughts and beliefs. We cannot shift someone else's behaviors.

As for "hints" on FB, don't. First, hinting never works; it is passive-aggressive and will only add fuel to the fire. Second, you would be focusing on changing them rather than focusing on shifting how you are reacting through your thoughts and beliefs about them. Instead, get curious about the "shoulds" that are going through your head and question those deeply. A great resource for this situation is Byron Katie at www.thework.com. She has free tools to support you in feeling much better about this situation.

You cannot control other people's behavior, only your reaction to them.

Use this as teaching moment to your kids - They need to respect their elders, but learn from their mistakes and not treat others the same way. They have chosen they favorite, and one day when they cannot get her attention without paying for it, they will wonder why.

Limiting your time with them is good. Stop giving them ideas for your kids, just smile and say "what ever you think is best". Stop making plans with them, if they ever ask why, tell them you didn't think they would be interested. Don't rely on them in any way.

Are there any other relatives around that they can spend time and develop a healthy relationship with? Many people grow up just fine without grandparents. It's sad, but just another fact of life.

i can totally understand your pique. that degree of favoritism would rankle me too.
but you're not taking much of a high road here. 'of course' you 'busted' them? really? like it's actually any of your business what they do and where they go?
i don't like that they lied, but if you are bossy enough to 'bust them', i suspect you're overbearing enough to make them feel harried. it's also pretty unattractive to haggle over an offered gift, whether or not you like it. if your son doesn't want the coffee maker, he should simply say 'thank you' and then give it to goodwill (or toss it.)
you can't nag them into gifting the way you think is appropriate.
you all sound pretty negative to me.
if you gave up your unrealistic expectations of them, you wouldn't be so continually stuck in anger.
khairete
S.

It is hurtful and unfair. You can't change them. You an only change your reaction to them.

Growing up I had a similar situation. My paternal grandmother favored my cousins. While I got a $100 gift card for my 16th birthday, she bought all three of my cousins cars. CARS! And to make matter worse, this was before facebook, so my discovery of this was more embarrassing. I was at a function and my cousin asked to check out my new car. When I asked her what she was talking about, she said "Well Mee Maw got me a car, and x a car and y a car. It's your turn, what kind did she get you?" I was embarrassed and hurt. Went to a bathroom and bawled my eyes out. I went home expected my mother to help me bash my grandmother. I was surprised when she didn't. She agreed that it wasn't fair and it was hurtful. BUt she also reminded me that my grandmother was under no obligation to get me anything. And she reminded me that, until the party, I enjoyed the money. And she told me that there may be so much more to the story that I didn't understand...stuff she didn't understand. She told me that I couldn't spend my life making comparisons and balancing out the scale. I had to appreciate what I had and not envy what others had, otherwise I would spend much of my time being unhappy.

Now it took some time for that lesson to sink in. And I am still not close to my grandmother. We are friendly, but we are not close. I don't understand what makes her tick. I don't understand why she doesn't shower me or my kids with the things she showers upon my cousins. BUT she does spend four hours on the road to see me and my family, she doesn't do this for my cousins who live four hours the other direction. She calls me more often than the others. So I still enjoy what I get with her. I try not to focus on what I am not getting. Life is too short for score keeping. My life has turned out just fine without her "stuff".

How to handle this: Accept that this is how it is always going to be with them and decide to limit the contact/stop all contact --- depending on what you want to do. Let the kids know that it's really not about them, it's that grandma and grandpa are a bit strange in their thinking and to just say 'thank you' and move on. If you feel like it's all hurt/no relationship, just stop talking to these people, stop going to see them.

Listen, I have a toxic parent, and so my kid isn't around them, period. Boundaries are good things. You don't *have to* play this game with them...your husband can just say to his parents "you treat my kids like they don't matter and make no effort to show them any true affection or love, so we're done here". No one is stopping you, as parents, from just telling them that it's over.

That said, you do want to go forward in a healthier way. Stay off Facebook-- or at least, your extended family's pages--you know you will find family drama just waiting for you.Consider taking down your Facebook page and start one under a nickname just for friends-- as far as family is concerned, just disappear from FB. Stop engaging in any way with them if they're just going to be jerks about it. Do not mention the slights and favoritism to your children. If they do point it out, a simple "yeah, I don't know what they were thinking" is fine. Your niece, I've gotta say, is just doing what teenagers do, bragging about her money. Her parents probably need to reign that in, but try not to get so enmeshed in this stuff. If you can just decide to let that part of the family 'be', focus elsewhere, it is better for everyone.

I'm sorry D., but once you start keeping score, gifts are no longer gifts, but expectations.

Is gift receiving a competition?

To be frank, this post kinda makes you come off as a money grubbing, entitled control freak.

So......perhaps that's WHY the Grandparents snub you?

Any gift is a generous gesture of goodwill, and more than no gift at all.

I can't imagine wasting my time, talent, and energy to weigh and measure who's getting what as gifts.

I also don't think posting some cryptic insult on FB is going to inspire them to give you more of their money.

:(

Honestly my kids claim I play favorites. I don't by the way. They see it because they, like most humans, focus on what others get and tend to forget what they get. Not saying this is the case with you but I am quite sure this process makes it appear worse.

I love percolators and although inefficient they are not dangerous. If it was functional he probably could have sold it to a collector and had his new coffee maker and money in the bank.

Anyway, my ex's family takes what you are talking about to crazy extremes. Like every year they probably spend 5,000 on the grandchildren of the daughters, each grandchild, that isn't a typo. Maybe, in a good year, they spend 1,000 on mine and that is mostly guilt make up Christmas gifts. Yes they are quite wealthy but that is besides the point. It is just I can see you here thinking I would love for my in laws to spend 1,000 a year on my kids! It isn't the money, it is that they are an after thought.

My father thinks it is awful what they do and he makes up for it. That is what I point out to my kids, they will never change but really grandpa loves you enough for four grandparents! Take time to see what you have, don't dwell on what you don't have.

Please tell me that when you heard people say remove them from your FB they meant just quietly removing them. No big dramatic I am done with you people nonsense! Just step away because although I didn't mention it you seem to encourage the drama with things like "busting" them.

A lot of replies are focusing just on the gift-giving disparities, and I do think that by your own focus on that, the larger problem got a bit lost: These grandparents don't seem to have any interest in coming to see your kids' activities or events, or even having the kids to their house to visit on their own. And THAT disparity is the one that matters, much more than the differences in gifts.

This is your opportunity to model a few really good things for your children, so that something positive comes out of years of neglect (not years of unequal gifts -- years of not coming to the class show, the chorus concert, the preschool holiday event).

Model class and restraint by not, not, not posting some kind of comeback on FB. That is the low road, frankly, and not the mature response. I know it's temping to do because you're sick of this and rightly so, but if you do that, you are teaching your own kids that it's OK to go online and do the equivalent of a finger at someone else. Instead, defriend all those involved, or just block them or whatever, if defriending is going to cause drama. Model how to walk away from drama and not perpetuate it.

Model the ability to say: "It's sad that grandma and grandpa have not seen as much of you as we all would like, but they are adults and their choices are theirs." Then do encourage your kids to be polite: Yes, they should send grandma and grandpa a birthday card. A thank-you note for the $30 that was not $100 (which should not be a topic of discussion by the way, or it sends kids the message that "comparing gifts is OK and complaining about them is allowed"). They should be cordial to the grandparents when they do see them. I did not say warm and fuzzy - cordial and polite. No one should be able to say, "Well, that set of kids is cold and rude anyway." Nope, have the kids be cordial and that's it. They will be thrown togehter with the grandparents at some point; you do not have to seek out the grandparents any more, but if the kids encounter them, I'd be darned sure that the encounter was perfectly civilized on your part and your kids' parts so that you are taking the high road once again.

It's hard to do that, the right thing, the high road, when others have let you down, but if you send your kids the message by your action that it's OK to bear grudges and not let things go; that it's OK to go public with revenge posts or insults; that it's OK to focus on what they didn't get and feel entitled to get -- you've blown the chance to make your kids better people out of all this. It's painful and crappy of the grandparents, but I'd just stop inviting them places; let your husband keep them posted on the kids' doings in a basic way but not online since that gets passed around and invites drama; and ensure the kids maintain polite contact but that's it.

Your kids no longer ask to spend time with the grandparents so they are not missing grandma and grandpa and you know the grandparents are not going to change. So maybe have your kids focus on some relationships with older adults in your church, and lend a hand to those adults too. But you need to let this go yourself so that you can back down from your anger and not let it infect your kids.

My BFF has in laws like this and I can tell you THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO.
Beyond telling them how you feel (which you have done) that's it. You can't control other people, only your reaction to them.
So they are jerks, you need to accept it and move on. Don't post passive aggressive FB quotes, they won't see themselves in it, and it just makes you look lame in the eyes of your family and friends.
Your kids are plenty old enough to understand that life isn't always fair, and so are you. Trying to control or change other people isn't worth your time or energy, focus on the positive things in your life and teach your kids to do the same, you'll all be much happier.

I loved Tiffany's response and agree with her very much.

It hurts, no doubt. But I would really try to let go of ALL my expectations. Disengage and stay off FB. Focus on your own life and your own family. Stop letting this take up so much space in your head. It's hard, I know.

Good luck.

Please, no quotes to throw out on FB. You cannot expect your niece/nephew to not say what they feel about their grandparents on their own FB. Instead, quietly defriend them. You and your children do not need to be facebook friends with them. None of you should be FB friends with your inlaws either. You and your children shouldn't have to read ANYTHING negative your FIL says...

You and your husband need to decide just how much you and the kids want to associate with them. I would rather not discuss gifts of any kind with them rather than have them NOT buy what the kids ask for. It IS something you should talk to the kids about. They are very aware of what is going on anyway.

Sounds like your inlaws are not who you want them to be.

You are making yourself look and sound crazy "trying to get them" to play by "your rules".

See them for who they are (and are going to be) and accept that. Allow your children to see them for who they are and accept that.

Allowing your children to see people, even grown-ups and relatives, for who they really are will help your children have realistic expectations of others and help them navigate life more then any other $100 gift or name brand gift will.

OMG... we have gone through this BS ourselves! Listen, point blank. Stop surrounding yourself around them! That is what we did. We had too. They favored everyone else's kids but ours. They went above and beyond for the other grandchildren and treated ours like they were chopped liver. My now 16 year old caught onto it real quick and it was very hurtful but i cannot have my children feeling that way. It is my job to protect my babies and when it comes to my babies, this mama's strips come on real fast! My MIL has since passed on and my FIL does not make one OUNCE OF EFFORT to see his grandkids. He is forever going to everyone else's grandkids functions but ours. I had enough. I dont need that negativity around my kids, nor do i want it. And yes it hurts us parents to see favoritism given to the other grand kids and not ours. Good luck!

Let it go and explain to your kids that it's unfair but they need to be the bigger people. As for FB, I'd definitely unfriend them. Why bother with all of that.

And don't have your kids retaliate - it's below you.

I would just stop contacting them, stop inviting them for birthdays and holidays. If at some point, they question it, I would simply say "It hurts us and our children immensely that you favor your daughter's kids and treat them differently. You gave "Tommy" $30 for his birthday which he appreciated until he saw "Mary's" facebook post showing her $100 bill from you guys. It's unfair and I refuse to allow my children to be hurt in this way. Until you can start treating all of your grandchildren equally, we will be keeping our distance. Surely you can understand?"

well, whatever you do, don't think people are going to get the hint from back handed fb posts. All issues that need dealing with should happen in person, as hard as that is. It could be that they spend a certain number on each family and you have more kids. Just a thought. Its hard for me to say what I would do in this case, but I'd like to think I would bring it to their attention without demanding they change, since you really cannot control others.
I'd carve out a time to in person say, "hey, in the future, could you make sure to let the Smith cousins know not to FB their gifts from you because then my kids are made aware that you treat them differently and its very hurtful to them, we'd really appreciate that."
Also, I would not ever ask for a receipt. I think its thoughtful when people include gift recipes, but if they don't, its really not okay to ask.

FYI, "unfriending someone on fb is just passive aggressive. This is family and if you really want to do your children well, you will keep the peace. You do that by being gracious when you can and addressing problems directly when letting it go is not an option. As a person of faith, reconciliation and forgiveness should be your goal. Your in-laws may not be reasonable enough people for this, but it should be your goal. Writing people off over slights may feel good at the time, but countless families have not spoken to one another over minor, medium, and even major infarctions, that in retrospect don't warrant the years of bad blood created.

What you can do it teach your children that life is not always fair. To be happy for what they have and not look to others to compare. To see how blessed they are to have your parents.

Your inlaws do not have the "fairness" gene and there is not a thing you can do about it. Talking to them is useless because they will not get it. I would see them once in a while but not have any expectations.

BTW: you need to model not getting upset with their actions to your children. Really, just enjoy your life and don't worry about what they do or do not do. They have shown that they will not meet your expectations. Focus more on the other grandparents and your DH and children.

Hi D., I hear you! And in some cases (like mine) it shows up between siblings! One aunt gave my oldest $20 for her 18th birthday (she is also her god-mother) and then gave the other one $50 for Christmas (also the god-mother). Now I may be wrong, but to me, an 18th birthday is a big deal... and Christmas comes every year. Oh and on that same Christmas, my oldest received nothing, not even a card, because...wait for it...she is now an adult! She lives at home, is in the 12th grade but according to my sister...she is an adult.

So you are looking for a quote...here is one for you...it is a good thing we can pick our friends!

B.

It's painful when you see kids aren't treated fairly. I understand that the discussion of gifts shows in the discrepancy in a meaurable way. I'm sure your kids see it and feel it. While I think it's natural to feel a different connection to your daughter's children than your son's (since your DIL is raising them, not your daughter) it's never right to show such a difference in the gifts or time.

I truly don't understand what grandparents wouldn't want all their grandkids to come spend the night (not neccessarily at the same time...) We were all less close to one of my brother's kids (who are now in their late 20's) but that was becuase my SIL never invited us to their stuff when they were little (never even to a birthday party) until they were teens and by then I had a crazy 2 yr old son - so I almost always declined since I'd have been chasing a small boy around anywhere we went. But my mom was alway very even in her gifts, and wished they would have spent more time with her. They were there at the end - which is nice.

I assume you've already talked dto your kids about it if they've said anything - and explained that it's grandma & grandpa - not your kids that are awry. Saying something may not make a drop of difference - but it may help you feel better. But keep that in mind going in - you may not accomplish anything. Further, it may result in an escalation of emotions - and you may end up saying things you don't mean to say.

IF you end up deciding to say something do everything you can to avoid an accusatory tone. YOu might say something like: "I'm sure you don't realize this - but my kids often feel hurt by what seem to them to be favoritism. They feel like they don't know you as well as "Sally & Sam's" kids do and that they've missed out. But they really want to feel that closeness to you that their cousins have. I guess when "Susie" posted on FB that she got a really generous gift from you it really hit the kids. Is there something we can do to get you all together more often?" The offer options - mini-golf, billiards, cooking night together, movies at your house, etc.

Once you make a good faith, non-accusatory offer there's nothing else you can do but wait. But please, don't expect a miracle. They may not see it the way you do - and there's nothing you can do about it.

I don't think it was wrong of them to give the 16 year old an elaborate gift, or for her to post about it. It is, however, wrong for them to show favoritism. Do you know why they do it? Was there an issue between you all at some point? The problem here is that we are only getting your side of the story, so we have no idea how they see things, or if there is a real reason behind why they don't spend a ton on your kids (do they appear less grateful when they get something? Is it in response to negativity between you and them? Does the other family make less money or have a hard time buying nice gifts for their kids while your family is better off? ect)

In the end, regardless of reason, it can not feel good to your children and I would limit contact for their own well being.

Your kids are old enough to do this too.

If it were my kiddos and the girl had posted a pic of the card my kiddo's would have made it a point to comment something along these lines.

"Wow, cool gift, Maw Maw and Paw Paw gave me used shirt that had big stains on it for my gift. I wanted a simple cheap coffeemaker but they thought I deserved a dirty used shirt instead".

"That's awesome cousin, it must be wonderful to have grandparents that like you. I don't have that in my family. I get garage sale shirts that are stained up and worn out for my gifts".

"Hey cousin, want to know that Maw Maw and Paw Paw gave us? Check out my wall photo's because I posted pics of the fabulous presents I unwrapped at Christmas. Yes, that is a used shirt and yes, those are stains on it."

I'd let them share their hurt and photo's and everything on FB. Those grandparents need to be publicly humiliated. Pretending to love someone is wrong, especially when it's so obvious they prefer other kids.

Now I will say, some families don't realize they are doing it but sometimes they come off as picky or not appreciative.

If grandma and grandpa feel like that then they need to be able to say "That's not what we'd like to get them or can't we get them something else?"

They do need to be able to say no but they also need to make the substitute gifts appropriate or the kids need to simply say "no thank you, I already have this item" then hand it back to them.

That is so not right! The worse kind of rejection is from your own family, blood or by marriage.

I totally agree with you...if you already buy 2nd hand things, receiving a gift that's brand new for birthdays and special occasions is a very special treat. What mom WOULDN'T want that for their child?

Stop making excuses for your in-laws. You can't keep making up excuses or justifying their motives when you don't know what they're thinking. So ask them...or better yet, have your children ask them when they start noticing the difference in gift quality. Let your kids hear from themselves, straight from the horses' mouth.

Ugh, I can relate to your story. My grandmother also played favorites in our family. I would focus on your kids and your parents. ..:-)

Updated

Separate yourself and enjoy your kids with your family!

Updated

Separate yourself and enjoy your kids with your family!

My paternal grands favored my sister. My mom tried to get them to be even, but it never was. What I learned was that I could not count on them for love or support in my life. I would tell your kids it's not about them, and encourage them to find "adopted grands" to invite to events, and spend time with. My DD is the "honorary granddaughter" to a dear friend because her DIL took a disliking to her and has kept the kids away from them. It's not about the friend. It's entirely about the DIL. My ILs are loving but physically unable to attend many events, so the honorary ones come. DD loves them and I'm happy to foster a positive relationship for her.

It is really hard when you think they are playing favourites. My daughter is the only granddaughter on my ILs side of the family and they have always favoured her a bit. They have two other grandsons (one mine and a cousin). I always feel a bit sorry for them and they don't get as much attention. It's nowhere near as bad as your situation but it does make me sad for the other two. You just have to love them enough for everyone. :-)

Please don't allow your children to retaliate on Facebook. Teach them grace. I know this is something I keep saying, but these are the in-laws that you have. You can't change them and therefore you have to change YOUR expectations.

That means no more comparisons, period. No more expecting them to treat your children the same way that they treat the other grandchildren. No more expecting them to suddenly start sending monetarily equal gifts. No more expecting them to start attending important functions.

Whatever is going on with them, and there very well may be something that they feel is justifying their actions regarding either you or your husband or both, they're not going to change who they are with a confrontation or three. You DONE the confrontations.

My suggestion is to either stop inviting them to events at all, or invite them but don't expect them to attend. If they happen to show up then great.

At birthdays and holidays, don't expect anything big and showy and expensive. When they ask you for gift ideas that's all they're looking for ... ideas. Not specific gifts. You can always respond with, "You know, at the age ___ is that a gift card to ____ will always be appreciated." When it comes to the gifts, it HAS TO BE about being grateful that they were thought of and given a gift. It can't matter what they received. Period. Stop the mind meandering into what the other cousins received. That's called coveting. ;-)

I get this, I really do. My in-laws never show up for anything except the really, really big deal things that are birthdays or religious milestones and even then sometimes they don't show. My girls don't always receive gifts from them. On my side of the family if someone can't make an event or they don't offer a gift, even when it's not "hoped for" my family will actually apologize to my girls with an explanation. I NEVER expect that. But I think that they see it with their wives' families, and their wives are the unfavored children while their brothers are the golden children.

I wonder, though... since the two of you have made the effort to approach them about this in the past without success... I wonder what's really going on. I doubt this is about the children at all. I have a feeling that this is actually a message to you or to your husband, or both of you and your children are collateral damage. They're behaving as if you have reparations to make and this is the only way they get to "punish" you.

since your in-laws have no problem saying it openly how they don't agree with the gift, or pattern, or style, get the courage to say whatever you have to say to their face. the FB posting about the gift card is the one i would use. next time you see them, just say 'wow that was so generous of you guys to give a 100 dollars to the 15 year old. i was just surprised because my 18 year old got 30 bucks from you guys. kind of unfair don't you think?"
and leave it at that. no matter what they say, it won't make a difference, but maybe they should get used to you being up front as well. it's a good quality to have.
it's also something we had dealt with in the past. i used to keep my much shut, and when asked for my kids' wish list i would say, get whatever you want because you never choose anything from their lists anyhow.

I feel your pain, and your kids. We too have a similar situation.

Could part of the present issue be that because you usually by second-hand and not new, and your kids are fine with it, that they don't buy them new stuff? Maybe they think you won't let them have it. I know that sounds weird, but I had someone tell me that once.

As for the in-laws, you basically have to just walk away and write them off where you and your kids are concerned. I had to do that. I still invite them places, but don't count on them. I don't tell my kids that they were invited. I say, 'count them here when they are in the driveway, and not a second before.'... and even then they aren't always 'here'. Bless your family that does acknowledge them and help provide a welcome circle. Thank your family so that they know how you appreciate their efforts.