i jus recently became a single mom when my hubby left. he was the one who did the disciplining so now that he's gone my kids are running a muck! how do i get them used to being disciplined by me? how do i get them to respect me when i've been the playful, consouling one for all their lil lives?
first off, i wanted to thank u all for all your advise. i did buy a christian book on discipline and have started doing time out with my kids.i've also started counseling with my moms church where we're now going and im starting to do devotionals with them at night to help them understand how God likes us to behave. However, i found out yesterday that i am pregnant and he wants nothing to do with it. so it seems a little harder now but i'm trusting and believing that all will be well. still don't have a job, place or car but trying to work towards obtaining what my kids n i need. once again, thank you all for your valuable advise.
I would hold a family meeting to let your kids know that you love them very much, and that it is very important for the three of you to work together as a family to have a happy time together. Then show them a poster of the family rules and consequences of misbehavior. Build excitement for the project by working on it in their presence and promising to explain at the meeting.
Be consistent! That is going to be key. It is going to take them a bit to see that you are serious, but you have to stick to your guns. Find the punishment that works. If you don't believe in spanking, then don't there are other ways to discipline. However, if you do believe in spanking and you find this does not change the behavior, then it isn't working. Each of your kids will be different. One may respond to time out, while the other has to have something taken away for discipline. Again, my main advice is be consistent, don't cave once you discipline. If you begin to cave and give in, they will learn this very quickly that you only make idle threats. Good luck and God bless.
You didn't say how old your kids are so it's hard to give specific advice-- but do yourself a huge favor and read "Love and Logic". Your kids need to understand the boundaries that you set for the family, they need to understand WHY the rules and boundaries are in place (ie to keep them safe), they need to understand the consequences for pushing past the boundaries (breaking rules), and you need to be consistant with following through with consequences. Do you watch Super Nanny? She basically teaches the same exact techniques every week and gives fantastic advice. Everyone with wild kids think those techniques won't work with their own kids, but if you do it right and stay consistant and don't give up, they will work.
The best thing to do is decide what your rules are and what you will tolerate. A rule of thumb, if someone elses child whined at you or refused to listen to you, would you think it was rude? Then it is rude if your own child does it to you. many moms don't even notice how disrespectful their kids are to them. Sometimes at first you will feel like you are "picking" on them for every little thing, but it's better for them and you to have clear boundaries that NEVER get crossed, no matter how small it is. Decide ahead of time what the consequence will be and be consistent. For example, have your kids sit down at the table with you when everyoen is in a good mood, make a simple snack so they stay there and listen. Tell them you love them and that things are going to change, but you think it will be better. Tell them your feelings are very hurt when they disrespect you and that you need to be the mom and have respect from them, tel them if they learn to respect you, then you can take care of them better without feeling so overwhelmed. Write out the rules, discuss the consequences and stick to them. If someone is whining to get what they want, they should pull a warning card, the second time, they have to accept the punishment card, maybe timeout in their room for the amount of minutes they are old ( ie: 4 yr old gets 4 minutes). If it continues, they get to do an extra chore, away from the family since their annoyiin whiny voice is bothering you. This will help them learn not only did they not get what they want, but they got an undesired result, too. Watch lots of supernanny, read Dare to Discipline by James Dobson, decide that your life is not about what happens to you , but how your react to it. PLEASE PLEASE do not get into another relationship for at least 2 years, allow yourself to heal and become a whole complete woman, worthy of respect before even considering a new guy. Right now you still have mannerisms and ways about you that attract abusive, disrespectful guys, or this hubby would have never made it past the first few dates. Good Riddens, get some girlfriends and learn to love yourself. Your kids will benefit from it too. You'll be fine, Best of wishes
Wow I. - I am sorry that your hubby left and I pray that your healing is quick.
Regarding discipline - consistency is key. When I was a single Mom at first I was too soft because I was feeling bad about their father being gone. (My ex left me for my ex-best friend)
But I realized that I had to put my foot down and implement varying degrees of discipline depending on what they did. Time Out, No TV, No computer or video games, and when necessary a spanking. I found that as I was more consistent and didn't give in they stepped in line and I had no reason to discipline as much.
Hang in there - you are a Winner!!!
I find that making them write down what they did wrong,
works.
For example;
"i will not hit my brother 300 times."
their penmenship improves and it drills in their memory not to do it again.
I have two pre-teen boys 13 and 14 and this works.
Or taking time away from their game boy and or video games.
Or limiting their play time with kids coming over or them going out.
As long as you hug them after dicipline to let them know you are correcting them in love.
Explaine why you are correcting them.
It's hard but not impossible.
The key is balance (love, and dicipline).
Tone of voice has to be stern.
Eye contact.
Try not to yell it doesn't really work.
Repeating yourself doesn't work either.
They become immune to the repetition.
Consistency works.
Some times at this age pep talks really do good.
They feel good when they have your undevided attention.
Evangelist S. f.c.
Usa
I.,
There are several books to read. One is "Dare to Discipline". You can find it online or at a local Christian bookstore. Another is "You can't make me, but I can be persuaded". Still another is "Parenting isn't for Cowards". They are all great and you would be blessed to read them.
Take Care,
T.
mom of 4
wife of 1
child of God
Hello. I don't know hw old your kids are but, if they are old enough to be sat down and talked to , that's excatly what you need to do. Let them know that you are the head of the household, and what you say goes. You can't guilt parent them....you still have to raise them to be successful, productive young people. If they don't give you respect you're going to find yourself in a huge mess once they get a little older. Be tough now, and they will grow up to love and respect what you did for them. Good luck.
Hi I.
I'm sorry to be so blunt but I think you and your children need counseling as a family. It would do a world of good, trust me. You are going to need regular, consistent support.
Also, consult parenting books and inspirational books at the library. They will give you the boost you need when you need it.
Good luck to you.
Hi I., I too became a single parent when my husband left us for the local w---e. Our children were 3,5 & 6 at that time. I was devastated. Here I am 5+ years later and we are doing great - him? Not so good. Oh well.
You have already received some wonderful advice - way to go moms! The only key to your problem I can say is BE CONSISTANT, that nurtures security in young children. You did not mention your childrens ages but we also went to family therapy last year, my children we fighting and bickering amongst them selves and I was at my wits end, I was hurt when my oldest daughter started crying, but the message got through. We are doing good now.
God Bless and stay strong ans stay in charge
M. F
I strongly urge you to look into "Love and Logic" books. You can find many of them at the library and of course online. It is fun parenting that makes me giggle and walk around with a smug grin on my face everytime they do something wrong. I am a Navy wife (and consider myself a "part-time single mom") and have to be the primary disciplinarian and this works for us!
Precious I.,
God Bless you and your children. I am proud & happy that you are asking for help, showing that you are humbly seeking the best life that God can give you.
As you hurt,they too are so confused,
hurting without knowing how to express themselves as they 'act out'in order to gain attention, even if it is negative. You need help to heal yourself & guide them through a healing process as well.
Are you involved with a good church thats of sound doctrine in Jesus Christ? If not, seek God to help you find one. There will be people who will really want to help you & your children.
Ask for prayer & you too pray...waiting on the
Lord is not easy, however if you want to suceed,
it is necessary as your faith will increase,
enriching the blessings to mean even more to you.
You have a long way to go, but HE will be with you ALL the Way & beyond! As you all heal through this,so will the 'discipline'
that you seek follow through. I know that this may seem 'vague',but you need that 1st step before going on to another step....my friend I will be in prayer for you and
your blessings...children.
The advice that these wonderful women have given you thus far is truly on target. Please consider
them...as they are 'tried & true' :~D
In His Loving Arms,
S.
being consistent will help and getting on a schedule if you aren't on one already!
Your children need to feel safe, secure, and stable.
You should talk to them about what's going on but only answer questions asked-try not to overload them with tons of info. Ask them how they feel about daddy leaving and if they have any questions.
Even if they say they are OK, they may display in other ways that they are not.
Counseling is a good idea~through your job or your church.
Also, try to make your decisions based on their benefit-especially with daddy and dating.
You have to make time for you but you also don't want to make all decisions for your convenience.
As time goes by, it will get easier and challenges will still come up but you will learn to deal with it.
I just want to say good for you... you will have a better life now that your husband is gone. Your kids are probably acting out for a variety of reasons. I'm sure some of it is learned behavior from your husband. It would help if we knew how old your children were so we could help you better.
do you or they have insurance?
if you do, I would look into getting counseling- not just for parenting help but for the whole huge adjustment everyone is going through.
hang in there mama! you are being the best mama you can be!
you're asking for help!
what is important to you? Whst sort of rules do you want? ask yourself these questions-Then make the rules and be CONSISTANT. I love Keven Lehman's books, check out "How to Make Children Mind Without Losing Yours" for some real help. He has some excellent tips on how to earn your children's respect. Your local library should have it, if not they can request it from interlibrary loan. Hope this helps.
