I Need Advice My 15 Yr Old Daughter Is Being Harrassed at School by Some Girls.

I would like to know how many other parents have kids at the high school (Monrovia High) I have been wondering just how much we don't find out.........I have friends who have had their kids have problems and was appauled at what I heard. Please anyone respond and give details using a fake name you will remember so I can take this to the proper people.
M & M

I really like love&logic.com they have cd's you can buy and one of them is how to stop bullies' from bulling. I think it wujld help with this. There is a 800 number on there website that you can call and ask for advice too. Good luck-MR

Go above the school command chain to also file report. Stay on top of this. After all the recent shootings in the past number of years I believe things are being taken a lot more seriously concerning bullying.

T., I may be over reacting, however, I would march right into the office and speak with the principal. I don't know where you live, but there are "bully laws" that exist. I would tell the principal that you want all 10 parents notified. If this persist, past one week, you will contact the district. If it still happens, tell the local paper. This is your daughter and how dare some bully princesses play scare tactics with your daughter. Also, remember, you are her advocate while she is in school. I have a 16 yr. old son who I have had to advocate for in school at times because of ADHD. I have fought the fight and at times still am. I wish you luck.
J.

I had the same thing happen to me as a child and still have anxiety over it, I am now in my thirties. The school did nothing for me, because in my case it was racial. The dean thought I was the racist, even though I was the one getting picked on and doing nothing. I didn't say or do anything to anyone I minded my own business and still got relentlessly harrassed. This may or may not be your daughters problem, but if it is, it is serious. If you go to the dean or principal and something is attempted to be done to those kids, assuming the school does anything please be aware that she may be at danger for her life. That is what is so serious about these instances. It will affect her in her adult life, I don't like running away from problems, but in some cases you have to go somewhere else. I would remove her from the school and start demanding things be changed, so it doesn't continue to happen to other children in the future. I would absolutely not take this as just bullying, kids are capable of anything these days.

You have to do something NOW! If you do not feel the school system she attends is responding accordingly and your daughter fears for her safety, pull her.....There have been so many violent and traumatic incidents recently that I would demand to see what policies the school has in place reviewing, resolving, discipling, protecting, etc.....It's hard to say what is available to you because I do not know your area but you have to do something, kids are hurting each other for no reason and if your daughter experienced another student being JUMPED just three days before, I would be very concerned.....I'd like to address this more, because it is very important that we come together to improve this all over, and if you'd like, tell us where you are, we may not find an answer right away, but I'm sure with a little research we can point you in the right direction.....On the other side of this, I'll be very frank with you, because of the environments so many of our children are subjected to today, I have done this and recommend that all young children, young ladies (I stress this even more) take a self defense class to ensure that god forbid, the need ever arise, she is at least a little more prepared to handle the situation. They not only learn techniques in self defense, they learn how to detect agression, how to respond, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, they learn that they are or could potentially become victims, and that it's okay to ask for help, that it's okay to be scared, that they are not tattletelling, etc., they also learn how to discipline themselves which for the most part can be very beneficial in preventing nothing from turning into something.....I hope you find the help and support you need through this and your daughter is in my prayers.....

Dear T.,
This year my daughter started a public high school. It's large and was scary to her.She had been at a small private school before. Some of the "toughie" girls verbally threatened her. I went to her adviser, who went to her house principal. A restraining order was put in place. The security was advised to pay attention! There have not been any further incidents. I know this is a touchy situation. My kid didn't want to create any hostility but I was fearful, intolerant and my husband and I told the school our next stop will be the authorities.
They called all the girls in together to mediate and find a peaceful solution. Whether this did or not the offenders realized that they had complete visibility from the staff.This may not work in your situation but perhaps some of this advice will help.
E.

I would recomend you go to the school and demand a meeting with these girls parents. They need to know what "THEIR" kids are doing at school. I had a similar situation with my 12 YO son. We met with all of the kids involved and their parents to settle what had happened. My son was in PE class and 3 boys tripped him making him fall and they all laughed at him. They did't say vulgar things but this was unacceptable as a mother. You can even take it a step further and file a claim with the police dept if they harm your daughter or if any of the girls lay a hand on her. I was going to do this if the school did nothing about the incident. I always tell my boys I will be the first one in school to speak on their behalf, no matter what. Doesn't matter if you have to take it up the command chain. Don't take no for an answer with the individuals at school. I know they don't like dealing with these kinds of issues. Good Luck!

My grandson recently was the victim of a "hate Ethin girls club" he was so upset about this that his grades started dropping and he didn't want to go to school His mother, bless her heart (she divorced from my son) went to school and demanded a meeting with the homeroom teacher, principle and vice principle and basically told them if the bullying continued she would go to the authorities and sue the school for an unsafe environment which is every childs right to have. It took a lot of guts on her end, but all the childrens'parents were notifed about this behavior and they all took steps to see it didn't happen again. I'll bet my bottom dollar that none of the parents of those girls know what they are up to. If we let the bully's rule you could have another Columbine on your hands. Go get em!!!

I wish I could think of something more helpful but if she has been home schooled until age 15 ...
words fail me.
I hope she can find a way to make friends
laughing things off and being FUN not reacting in a victim way is the best course to moving past this / standing up for yourself with bullies / solving your own problems etc

If you can hep her to do that?
Definitely do tell the school what's happening at all times s they can deal with it - but don't let the kids see you are doing so - it will make things worse for her.

Good Luck.

ps
''a girl got jumped at P.E. by 15 girls 3 days ago''

she must have been injured?
same girls?
what did the school do about this?

Hi T.,
First, let me say I am sorry that your daughter has had to endure that. I have 3 children, a 21 daughter, 19 and 12 year old son. We are all familiar with being bullied at school. Most if not all schools have a strict policy against bullying at school. I would definitely call the school again and go down there today, if possible and insist the school address this issue by having them show you in writing their policy for children's safety. Insist that the school interview your daughter and provide specific information regarding how they are going to protect your daughter (all children) at their school from bullying.

In addition, get a copy of your complaint for your records. Be very clear that if you do not receive satisfaction within the next day or two, you will take this information to the school board. As a public school, they must ensure the safety of the students. Make sure to follow through and also make sure that you tell them your daughter will come to the office immediately if this happens again.

It may be that it is recommended to move your daughter. I would also insist that your daughter receive counseling from the school to help her understand and deal effectively with this common (unfortunately) and difficult issue. She is not alone and my heart goes out to you and her. This is not her fault and she needs to have the adults stand up and take care of this problem immediately. Not only will your daughter benefit, but so will the others girls who have been bullied. The school should be grateful that you brought this to their attention before any major incident happens putting them on the news (although they probably won't tell you). The school principle would not want to loose his job. The bullies should be suspended or expelled, which is what would happen in Ca. where I am. My son has had a few minor problems and he immediately tells an adult and me. I go to the school personally and have received swift action and documentation.

I hope this helps! Please let me know how it goes. B.

Hi
My best friends daughter went thru the same thing last year...Beautiful amazing girl as I'm sure your daughter is also...She began going to a public middle school for the first time. Their solution was to find a charter school near their home and change schools. Charter schools tend to be much smaller and more controlled than public schools and they're free. You can research them on UScharterschools.org and put in your zip...
Public school kids (especially girls) are brutal...a lot of them have grown up in day care and after school care and see their parents little...many times due to financial need to work. My son went from homeschool to a charter school and loves it. I searched for a charter near my home with a small student body. There are tons of them and they are great schools.
Don't try to fight the public school system...they don't love your kids they just exist from one crisis to another. Your daughter has to live it. Put her in a place that she thrives from the moment she is there. As my son says "If you don't like your job-change jobs"
LauraBG

There is a no tolerance rule in schools regarding bullying. Filing an incident report was the way to handle this.
Someone mentioned for her to carry mace with her. That will get her kicked out of school. It is a weapon, do not do it.
She needs to stay with a friend, or use the bathroom in the office. My kid has been bullied and the girl had to have her back pack searched everyday for two weeks to make sure she did not carry out her threat. They are friends now. You daughter is probibly a target because she is the new kid, and has been homeschooled. i think in time it will get easier. But remember, it is ILLEGAL for a child to harass another in school.
I also work in a school...The Yard Duty.

This same thing happened to my daughter and her friend(over a boy)and they actually where jumped by the ten girls. They went to the principal and she suspended my daughter and her friend, they said they had to investigate the others involved mind you who started the fight. They had prior problems and did not get kicked out of the school like they should have according to policy. So I had to take them for a paper trail to the hospital, and i filed a police report..... and I had to get a lawyer to remove the suspension from my daughters record...and the girls that did this still graduated and went on to "My Space" to brag, to other gang members. So take your daughter out now...and put her in another school...

Sorry best advice.

If the school does nothing about the problem go a little further and go to the school district and if that doesn't work, go to the police and see if they could do anything.

If the school does not do anything for your daughter, then you need to go to the district.

When it comes to your child's safety, do not worry about the proper procedure until she is out of harm's way. I would yank my daughter out of the school until school officials could guarantee her safety. Whether she needs to be changed to a different school, track, whatever, I'd get her out of the dangerous situation immediately. School is not more important than my child's safety. And having been homeschooled, you already know how much more learning can occur outside the classroom than in it, especially if a student is worried about her safety.

I just met a homeschooling mom in the Hawaii Homeschooling Association that had sent two daughters off to college with absolutely no high school or high school credits whatsoever. The first daughter was heavily involved in the local opera and children's theatre company, stage managing and playwriting. The second daughter wrote plays and took some community college courses. They had no problems applying to and being accepted by colleges.

Safety and hope to you and your family.

Hi T.,

You should go to the principal, they will bring the girls into his office. If the harassment doesn't stop then those girls can get suspended or sent to a different school. At my daughters school they do not put up with that. But definitely go to your daughters school and ask to speak to the principal.

Thx, Nelda O.

I had the same problem with my daughter when she was in the 8th grade. She was harrassed all year until almost the end of the school year when they did finally jump her, not only did the girls get suspended but so did my daughter for DEFENDING herself from them. After that she got jumped again by the high school sisters, cousins, of these 8th graders but then I pressed charges and they all got kicked out of the district and some went to juvenile hall. I talked to the school but unless your daughter wants to name names (mine didn't out of fear) there is really nothing they can do. The second time my daughter got jumped I had to take her to the emergency room and I reported it to the school because it was when she was walking home. I also reported it to the school police, every school has one. I work in the legal field and I would advise you to get restraining orders if you can (this can get expensive) but at least if they go near her or touch her you have it on record and hopefully this will scare them into leaving her alone. It's scary to be in school now, because of the bullying that goes on. Just keep on the school, don't let down because then nothing will be done. I will pray for your daughter and I wish you luck.

Check out the book The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School--How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence by Barbara Coloroso. It explains how to help each person in each scenario and how to handle things. http://tinyurl.com/337wyp

I think all of us need to read that book for future reference.

Dearest T.,
I am a stay at home mother of two girls, 7 and 3. I used to work at a high school as a translator for the our Latino community. Parent involvment is the best way to help you children through high school, any grade level actually. My suggesstion is that once you've filed a complaint with the principal of the school and still nothing is being done, take it up with the school's district office. Meet with the superindentent of that school and tell him/her what the problems are. And in a very polite but threatening way let them know that if still nothing gets done or resolved with your daughters school bullies let them know that you will take it up with the city school districts superintendent. Let them know that because you've already filed complaints with school officials and your daughter does get hurt in any way, shape or form that you will be filing suit against the school and the girls parents. You do have that right. Trust me school officials don't want a bad reputation, especially the principal. But please, please make sure you document everything. Sometimes if there is a police on school sight you may talk to them. Make sure you also talk to your daughter's school counselor, also. Don't forget to document. If need be, take a fam member or friend with you so they'll bare witness and even another school official. Also make sure your daughter is also present at all meetings. Make the school hear your concerns. And if worst comes to worst, take your daughter out of that school and go to the media and let them know what's going on in your community. Get other parents involved to support your concern. Trust me this works. Parents and students alike don't know or understand that they have rights and that without them, school officials would not exist. You have many, many rights. Make yourself be seen and heard and know that this type of behavior will not be tolerated.

Good luck
E.M.

I know how your feeling. When we moved to our new house over 13 years ago my daughter was having the same problem. Being the new kid on the block is tuff. I recommend getting her involved in softball or another activity. There she will meet new friends and then it will seem
to disolve away. Tell her to keep her head up and let the girls know she's not all that bad and she will be ok. Girls tend to get very deffensive when it comes to the boys. Tell her to try to make friends with the girls.
Good luck my daughter is now 24 and she survived the ordeal. GOOD LUCK!

C.

Is your daughter at an LAUSD school? If she is then don't count on too much help from the school. The best thing to do, if you can afford it, is put her into private school.

If you are not satisfied with the schools response - go to the police. No ifs, ands or buts - bullies will NOT stop when you yell at them - the parents have to be involved and the best way to do that is with law enforcement, followed by legal action if necessary. Been there, been beaten up, had the school take the part of the bully . . .

Take her out of that school...it is not worth it and and it is not something that is going to go away....girls can be ruthless..just take her out and send her somewhere else.....

I feel deeply for you and your daughter!! The school should be your first line of defense, so talk to the principal, teachers and counselors. There are drawbacks to that, though. Sometimes they're overwhelmed, sometimes they feel they have to witness an incident in order to act on it, and sometimes it makes it worse for your daughter, because the harrassers know that she told someone.

If your daughter has, or can find, one or two close friends at school, she may be less of a target. Bullies seek out those who are alone.

You may need to consider a new school, or a return to homeschooling. Maybe she can get a variance, or maybe there's a charter school nearby.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help! Pray hard, and you'll be able to help her through this very tough time.

hi T.,

have your daughter take a class with IMPACT PERSONAL SAFETY. www.impactpersonalsafety.com or absolutionla.com. they are the best course for bullying and boundary setting for teenage girls i know about. truly remarkable. tell them S. sent you.

What these young girls are doing to your daughter is called bullying. There are laws against thisa , please contact the counselor and the Principal about this. You might need to go in and let them know you will not tolerate your daughter being harassed at school and it is the school responsibility to prevent or descipline students who act in a bullying manner. You also need to be aware of possible retaliation by these young ladies. Their parents need to be contacted.

If you report this to the district office and the superintendent of the school and let them know that if it continues it will be reported to the police department I am sure you will get some response. My son is being home schooled because of this kind of problem and I got some real attention when I told them I was going to file a police report.

This is what is called girl aggression. There are books published on it. Go to your local library and/or book store to find the books. I can't remember the title but there is an author that did research on it due to problems she had when she was a child. You may talk to school teachers and counselors but that may not help it may make things worse for your daughter. If it is a big school, you may be able to get a schedule change and see if the school has peer counseling to deal with the situation. Unfortunately it is a problem that is usually not taken seriously at schools. In the books, it tells about one mother that put her daughter in therapy and on anti-depressants and finally transferred her to another school. When she began attending the new school, all of a sudden she was a happy child again. She is still in therapy because of the trama these aggressive girls caused. Please for the sake of your daughter, do something NOW!!!

Hope this helps.

Dear T.,
I have a 13 year old son, and he too, has been harrassed in the past. I don't know where you live (state), but I do know that the "bullying laws" are very, very strict here in California. My Son and I went straight to the Principal with the names of the kids that were threatning him, and these kids were brought in one at a time, diciplined, and told if they did anything else, they would be suspended. Since then, they have backed off. Although I don't encourage violence, I do encourage self defense. I don't think there's anything wrong with learning martial arts. Not only does it teach dicipline, but it also teaches self confidence. Take a class with your Daughter...and have the bonding experience be the bonus :-)

Hi,
This is a problem in a lot of schools. If the principal is unwilling to help I suggest you get the police involved. They are more than happy to come down to the school and have a talk with the girls who are bullying your child. I would let the principal know and try to set something up with him/her so that she/he doesnt feel you are going over their head. Good luck.
L. (L.A.)

T.,

Your daughter is being bullied and the school district should be notified that this is happening to her especially sin ce this is happening on the school campus. Document everything - names, dates, specifics - like what was said, what they did and are doing. Keep emails and voice messages. By law your daughter has a right to attend school in a safe environment. As long as these girls continue to bully her she is being denied that right. Ask to see the school district's policy on bullying and harassment. If they do nothing to stop it get an attorney to help you.

If those girls blocked her from leaving the bathroom, that is against the law, I would have the police come in on this one, at least make a police report. Nip this in the rear real fast, I cannot believe girls these days, I am sorry but I am one of these moms that would wait untill school gets out, watch for them to leave school property, then call the police and charge them with unlawful detention. ( the intent to hold some one prisoner ) One is an accident twice is on purpose, if these girls have harrashed your daughter once twice they will do it again. Depending on the school if they have a strict policy about bulling.... my daughters school does, they do it once suspention, do it twice your kicked out of the school 3 time your banned from the school district, call the princible today and ask what they intend to do. If anything have your daughter stay home until they follow through with this, if she is really afraid, better safe than sorry.

Poor girl..

Your daughter has a right to come and go without harassment. You did the right thing reporting it. If the school does not handle it, call the school board that's over the school and make a report with the police. Harassment and bullying are not to be tolerated. My son had a situation with the bully next door and we home schooled our son until 6th grade so when we tried to confront the family we found out where the behavior came from. We explained to our son that they were a house of sadness so we had to help them figure it out by standing tall and not letting it continue. Anyway once we were part of the school system, we could report the behavior to them and they took care of it right away! Keep in mind that all these girls might need is this lesson that you just don't treat people that way. Tell your daughter not to make herself a target, but to not stop being herself.
And you mom, take a deep breath and project the outcome you desire. Don't let fear become part of your future. Let it be a opportunity for you to stand tall too. Good luck and be the blessing.

Hi-- I am a mother of three grown children in their mid to late 20s and a elementary school principal. No matter what the grade level-- this is harassment and bullying and should be taken seriously by the site administrator-- principal or vice principal. You did the right thing in filing a report-- but you need to follow it up immediately with a telephone call to the administer in charge of student behavior, most likely the VP.

Just as I tell my students-- the best way to get a supervisor's attention, is to start with, "I need help". If my students go to the yard duty and "tattle" and "complain" it may fall on deaf ears, as they hear so much daily, but if they start with, "I need help", it gets the person's attention. Don't just let your concern sit on a piece of paper in a file. I can tell you first hand, and I have a small school-- that paperwork often gets piled up and put aside until I can get to it. A parent visiting my office or calling me on the telephone gets my attention real quick.

Good luck to you and your daughter.
P.

Hi T. M.

Take it to the next level...district superintendent and police department with a retraining order on those other students. Don't tolerate anything! I've been slow to take care of manners when my own children. Bullying is a form of violence and you don't want your daughter in her adult life unable to handle herself in a workplace setting. I also have 3 children who are adults now and home schooled the latter two (daughter, son). It's a scary feeling and your daughter should not be afraid of learning...it is her right. Age 15 is not an easy age for any teenager. I hope that she can feel safe and free from any form of harrassment or profanity. Hope this is helpful. Take Care. La Verne L.

first, it's good that you filed the incident report, however be prepared to file again and possibly again. schools don't seem to be proactive but reactive after an incident has occurred. it's truly unfortunate that your daughter has become a target of bullying teenagers shortly after starting in this new school. it's more unfortunate that so many teens have such apathetic outlooks and a mountainous lack of respect for anyone.

do you think they're trying to intimidate your daughter into joining them? i understand your daughter's fear, but sometimes fear is our worse enemy because it is stifling, and a fear of people allows them to do things to us that we shouldn't stand for/accept. i think everyone should be able to stand up for him/herself, and sometimes that is all that's needed to make the bully back down. these girls travel in packs for a reason, not one thinking for herself, they follow a ringleader who won't take the fall for any of them, and alone none of them may bat an eye at your daughter.

keep talking with your daughter to add weight and details to subsequent reports, and demand that school officials call a conference with the parents of the girls involved as it seems pretty obvious they or the other girls weren't disciplined by school officials after jumping the another girl. hopefully these actions will get the point across to these girls. i hope you have a positive outcome.

If this continues ~~~ GET HER OUT OF THERE! Life is too short and hard to have to worry about getting beat up at school. It may be that a change of schools would be all that's needed. She needs to be able to focus on learning and not on fearing for her well-being. I can't believe how awful kids are being to one another these days. I'm so sorry this is happening to your daughter. It may even call for you retrying homeschooling, if at all possible. God bless you for being a caring mother, wanting her daughter to succeed (without being threatened).

Hi T.,
I had a similar thing happen to my daughter in Middle School, although not to this degree...BUT the school and the principle must take action against these girls, the school is required to provide your daughter with a safe place to learn. First off I would meet with the principle before your daughter goes back to that school, ask the principle what she is going to do to reemedy the problem...she/he has to take some action. The other option is to get a lawyer and take the legal route, file a restraining order g=against these students sl they leave your daughter alone. In my experience, once the principle see's how serious you are wioth this, they will take action. You need to be tough and strong for the sake of your daughter. Hang in there and good luck!

Is your daughter in a public or private school? protocols are very different. If in a public, unfortunately there is very little they will do "on a threat" most schools will not take disciplinary action until some harm has been done. If you ask me, harassment, is the harm, but I suppose there is the protection against false accusations.
As for your daughter, first and foremost is a safety plan for her. She should stay in public at all times. If the restroom is the only opportunity these disoriented bullies have, maybe you can arrange for her to use the restroom at the nurse's office. A more extreme and very effective approach, would be for you to attend school with her. I have heard that is one right parents have that isn't used very often. If you are able to do so without embarassing your daughter, by being present, maybe these girls will find their next prey and forget about your daughter. Again, it's very important that your daughter have a safety plan in check, this will give her a sense of safety and prevent her from protecting herself drastically. I once met a girl who began carrying a pocketknife because of these sort of threats. Someone saw it in her backpack and was expelled from school, due to zero tolerance on weapons. Good luck!

Hi, T.. I don't have a 15 yr old yet, but this is such a scary problem. When I went to high school, I wasn't bullied, but I did get into a fight once. After that, I took kung fu classes and when word got out that I was taking self-defense, none of the girls that were taunting me ever came up to me. The bad part about this situation is if she gets some of these girls in trouble, they will come back and really want to fight her even more. The school system can only do so much and these girls may come after her outside of school. Does she have any friends at all? My advice is that she shouldn't start the fight, but learn to stand up for herself and take some self-defense classes. Sometimes you have to face your fears instead of run from them. I'm sure the only reason why these girls are taunting her is because they are a large group. I hope the school system can help, but if they don't, either go to another school, home school, or let her take martial arts. I know that when I took the classes, I had so much more confidence in myself and it showed. I was 4'11" and a nerd, but nobody ever came to fight me again. Hope this helps.

I.

As a teacher I would go directly to the principal and let him/her know that if it happens again you are going to investigate a lawsuit against the district and go public, as in a T.V. reporter.
There should be a zero tolerance for bullying in the school.

Is your daughter in High School? You have probably talked with the principle already and from my experience there is always police officer or two who are at the high schools during the day. Maybe talk with them to see what they suggest if you feel that this is a safety issue. Be demanding to the school officials and take it up with your local Police Station if you feel it is neccesary to do so.I have been through a similar situation with my 15 year old daughter. Fortunetly, is was resolved by bringing in the parent of the other teen and the teen herself, came to a truce. No more problems. Good Luck with this and please let me know what the outcome is! J.

Most schools have a zero tolerance for bullying! Go to the school councellor and tell her what is going on. They will talk to your daughter and give her some techiques. They may also talk to the offenders. This lets them know they are on notice. Sometimes they do a group talk session so that all the girls can talk it out and understand what is going on. I don't know what your school's policy is, but you must take a stand. Like every bully situation, they don't quit until they are made to do so. These girls probably have one ring leader and the others just follow along. Most will stop if tey know that there are consequences.

Prior to being a stay at home mom I was a middle school dean. You need to meet with the dean first and be sure he/she understands the problem. Use the word harassment. If you get good results then you are done there. If not, go to the Assistant Principal above the dean. With the problems in schools now, the administration has no choice but to take these things seriously. Be calm and very firm with them and tell them to handle it now. Do not yell. Quiet, serious parents are far more intimidating. Be sure to follow the chain of command. Do not go directly to the principal because you will get bounced back. It is the school's responsibility to put a stop to it. When it is 10 to 1 fighting back for your daughter is not going to work so get help. Do not encourage her to carry anything to school that will be considered a weapon. Mace if found will get her expelled.

Hi T., I read an article in my husband's magazine "Best Life" (February 2008 issue, page 76) regarding dealing with children who are bullies. It basically says you should contact your daughter's school so they are aware of the issue. Ask the school to contact the parents of all bullies to talk to thier kids. Document your correspondence with the school. There's more info on the article if you have a chance to pick up an issue. I hope all is well.

I would definitely tell the dean of her school and make sure that they know whats been going on! I'm not sure what High School she goes to but they do take these things very seriously and they will make sure that it is taken care of. I would also make sure that your daughter never walks alone I would tell her to always be with a friend.

what school is it??? i don't know the area you're in, but i'd check into some charter schools. or have your older son take her to school and scare the kids!!! you don't want her to be a wimp (it'll make her get picked on more) but it sounds like she's really being targeted. maybe you can find oiut why she's the target. but, as a mom, i'd probably take her out of school!! but that's the paranoid person in me!
good luck!!
my 15 year daughter is a junior black belt in karate and is now excelling in kung fu!! that keeps people away! it also gives her confidence when something comes up. just a thought!

Hello T.:

I am Literacy Coach at a Middle School and there are several things that can be done concerning your daughter before things get out of hand.

1. If there is a school Dean on campus, they need to be alerted to the situation as soon as possible and the girls' names are going to have to be called if she knows them. The Dean and the School Safety Officer will ensure that she is safe while on campus, but if she walks home, she needs to make sure that she is with friends and not alone. You may need to make arrangements to pick her up from school.

2. Her counselor needs to be made aware of the problems as well especially with her being a new student to the school. I noticed that you said she has only ben there for three weeks. Why did she transfer from the other school and how close was the school to where she is now? News travels fast in the M.S. circuit and the girls who are harassing her may know someone from her current school.

3. Since she just transferred, and not yet settled, if her safety is an issue, you may wish to look into a safer school. Which area are you in? I am at Mulholland Middle School and our Dean is extremely strict here, though he is partial to Opportunity Transfer students. Most of them with that 'stigma' are usually noted as problem students who need to be watched, etc.

If you need to have further information, feel free to send me an email and I can gather more info for you as needed. Hope that things get better for you both.

M. Rowe

Well, if you have filed a report, the principal should have already talked you & your daughter--& if not go in NOW & get a conference. Your daughter will need to make a list of the girls' names & the principal should suspend them (My opinion). At the very least, the principal should outline a plan for taking care of this situation. I would also call the district office & let them know of the incident, just as back up. If nothing is done, transfer your girl to another school & make sure you tell both schools WHY. I don't know where you live, but if you check with the local school districts, you should be able to find a school reasonably close to you that will NOT tolerant any bullying. Whatever you do, don't let them tell you it won't happen again, & then they do nothing to the girls. I don't know if this helps, and it must be a scary & overwhelming thing to deal with, but this is what I would do. Good Luck!

This happened to my daughter. I went in and told the principal that if he didn't take care of it, I would! I told him I would be talking to all of their parents in the middle of their own living rooms,if they even looked at my daughter wrong! It worked - they totally left her alone. Some even became nice as the year went on. It's usually only one or two that get things riled, but I wasn't going to stand for it. I don't know what my principal said, but he took care of it! I hope you have a principal with some strong convictions! As far as I'm concerned, the girls need to know that they are being watched and if anything happens to your daughter, they will be held responsible!!!!

Obtain access to the school district policy for such behavior (if there is one), and if the school does not respond appropriately, state that you intend to seek legal council. School districts are terrified of law suits. If you don't get immediate and appropriate assitance from the school site principal, go immediately to the district office and report the incident and the lack of effective administrative assistance to the highest ranking person you can access. Sounds as though there is little established discipline at the school site. This needs to be addressed immediately!

My prayers and thoughts are with you. I have an 11 year with some special needs and what is happening to your daughter is what I worry about when my son gets to junior high.
Personally, I would let the school know that I will get the police involved, if they don't respond. I would also suggest (throught the school) a meeting with these girl's parents letting them know that if something happens to your daughter you will seek legal recourse.
Best of luck to you.

hi T.
be brave and get the girls parents info.to get a meeting and talk to them about the situation. do everything you can to talk to the parents of this girls. do not be scare of confrontations because if the parents of these girls are willing to help then your problem should be solve.if that does not work them go to the police and see what they could ad vice you to do next.

hope this help and do not stop for no one to defend your kids form harm.

This is harrassment and is illegal. You should schedule a meeting directly with the principal immediately and let her know that you know that this is illegal activity and want it stopped immediately.

Hi T.,

You have to document it everything that is going on with your daughter at school. You have to requested the principal or any school security or staff to guide and protected your daughter within school area inside especially when she goes to the bathroom. This is the school responsibility if your daughter is in danger or scared because of this incident. You have to file a police report and if the school does not comply with your request to protected your daughter, then let them know in writing that you will take action against school if your daughter's safety is not protected. To the extend, if you have a lawyer to send a letter to a principal and get involve with your daughter's case because this kind of incident should not happen if they have enough security staff wondering around the area including the girls bathroom. When your lawyer started to get involve with the principal in school, they will do their act together because the next step will be a lawsuit and off course, you do not want to go to that direction. Be specific and firm with school about protection of your daughter inside school because she is new in that school. Or else, the next alternative is to transfer her in different and decent school. Always check the reputation of the school system before you put your daughter in that school. Torrance Unified School System is accepting interdistrict permit to go to any Torrance Unified School District. Mostly of the kids in Torrance are hard working students and work hard. Good luck.

A.

Take her out of that school ... don't wait for further incidents! Maybe the school will let her do home studies and attend once a week or something. My 15 yr. old son didn't handle public school well, and we couldn't afford private. He took his GED and then went to community college. My daughter had anxiety problems in high school and after much "fighting" with the staff, we were finally able to get them to let her do home studies. They swore she wouldn't be able to handle it and wouldn't graduate, but she was determined and graduated and was able to walk the line with her class.

You have taken the correct steps so far! I was previously a high school teacher and currently am teaching middle school (both in Riverside). Unfortunately, unlesss someone escorted your daughter from class to class (embarassing!) your daughter may not feel secure. By having your daughter and you fill out the incident report, the school should know the names of the girls that are harassing her and should keep a closer eye on them. You could request that you give a copy of the report to all her teachers so they also know the situation as well. Good luck to you and your daughter, it is likely that the "mean girls" will move on to a new target if your daughter doesn't react (hard to do, I know) to their comments or threats. High school/middle school can be tough.

HI T.,

First of all let me tell you how sorry I am about this horrible experience. Your daughter must be really scared.

Unfortunately this is just how high school is now. In Los Angeles it's often worse than mere bullying. Was it last year that a child was murdered at Venice High in Los Angeles, or was it the year before? I don't remember, but I do know that one should place their child in public junior high or high school only as an absolute last resort.

It seems like you've talked to the school again and they promise to get to the bottom of things, I hope they do and the girls who did this are punished. Regardless, those girls will never be your daugther's friends, and there is a good possibility that even if they get caught they will continue to make her life hell but more quietly. They could spread rumors, encourage other kids to avoid her etc. all without getting in trouble. Personally, I think you need to start looking into other schools or considering going back to homeschooling.

In terms of other schools, there might be another regular high school not too far away where you can transfer your daughter. Charter schools, if there are any in your neighborhood, are also a better choice. Finally have you looked into any Catholic high schools? I went to an all girls Catholic High, and although I cannot say it was the best time of my life, I was certainly never bullied, harrased or harmed. It just wasn't acceptable. They aren't nearly as expensive as most private schools.

I wish you and your daughter all the best of luck!

H.

Hello T., you pretty much gotten all the info you need to follow everything the right way but I do agree with lisa L. She is right, you need to get her into classes to learn how to protect herself. Even thought these are girls...at least she can protect herself from either sex. I know it may seem that you are telling her that fighting is the righ thing. You are not! All you are showing her is that if she feels threaten and she has tried to walk away, that if she is attacked then she knows how to protect herself so that she CAN walk away!! Yea she may get sent up to the principle but at least you can tell them look these are the steps I have been taking and one of them is for my child to learn how to protect herself when I can not be there for her!!! Because we are all parents here, our first thing is to protecet our children but now all the time we can be there for them when or if something like that should happen. My son is one of those children that get picked on alot and he goes to it. I do tell him he can only use this ONLY when he feels threaten and I explain it to him. Giving him situations so that he can tell the difference. I also tell him even if the priciple calls me up don't worry that is something between two adults. As long as you are protecting yourself I will not be upset with you! Plus it does give him such an amount of self confidence with himself and the plus factor is that he meets other kids who are not like that. So he knows not all kids are like that!! Think about it while you are trying to correct the situation. Who knows, it is a competative sport too and I have seen lots of teen girls go to competition and win medals for it because they like the sport so much!! I wish you luck!

Repsonse to my response- The school needs to file the report, since they did not you can if your daughter tried to leave the bathroom and they blocked her way like the other respondent said, that is kidnapping. Get the police involved now, security will not be able to "catch them in the act", and they will not be able to follow her at all times, seems like a big school and you daughter isn't the only one being bothered by these future sociopaths. Sorry but the schools response was a weak one... you wouldn't mind sharing the name would you? I know a non-profit that can help. Pulling our children from public schools and saying ho bad they are WILL NOT help the problem, that all schools have. Even the sociopaths moms put them in charter and private schools.

What!!!???? I am not suprised that this happened but I am surprised that the school has not pressed charges???? Remeber the Jenna 6? Go to the police dept. today and file an report. Your daughter has to feel safe at schooll this is a legal requirement. Do not wait, she may be harmed again far more seriously this time. She has already had 2 traumatic experiences.

I would also notify the police. They may not be able to do anything until something actually happens to your daughter, but I would tell them anyway. Let them know you are seriously concerned (both the school officials and the police.)
My niece was jumped by several girls in her school over some boy, too. The police were notified, but her parents were not even though so requested several times that her parents be called. So, be sure to talk to your daughter about what is happening and let her know that the only way you can help is if she talks to you right away.
Good luck to all of you.

I have a 12 year old foster son. He's been with us almost a year now. He is 5' 9" and 245 lbs. Due to his size and lifestyle (homeless for years) before he came to us, he is awkward and physically slow though mentally in honor classes. He has had many issues at school. I took it to his counselor and soon after, when it was apparant the counselor was either ignoring it or having no success, I took it to the dean. I requested a meeting with all parties, including parents, present. I told them I had been advised to file a police report if there were no results or unsatisfactory results though I didn't want to do this. The dean insisted that he meet separately with all boys and call the parents, letting them know our intentions. He promised results. It has been two weeks and so far so good though I am still keeping my options open.

Tell your daughter to always walk with other kids and not to go anywhere, especially the bathroom, alone, at least for a while.

Good luck.

A little about myself. I am a 52 year old happily married mother of two gtown children and grandmother of 4 young ones. At present we have one foster son.

You've gotten some great advice from Mamasource members - I have one additional suggestion - sign your daughter up for some martial arts classes - they will help boost her confidence and if, heaven forbid, she DOES get jumped, she will be able to fend for herself and cowards usually run when stood up to. I was jumped by 3 boys when I was 16 - I thank God, my parents had forced me to take a self defense course - nothing happened to me other than bruising, and I'm pretty sure I hurt one of the boys pretty badly - they ran off - I never knew who they were - this happened on 16th street in Santa Monica, 1/2 block south of Montana - a super great neighborhood. Good luck!

Get her out of the school now! That is too many against one. The school people can't be everywhere watching her. Homeschool her or get a tutor. My daughter had a knife pulled on her in high school and fortunately the girl had had prior problems and was put in Juvenile Detention, but you can't count on that now. Your child is at risk because she is innocent and doesn't really know how to handle herself in that enviroment.

If the school does nothing about this then I would go to the school board. Haven't we seen the results of bullying with the shootings starting in Columbine and continuing on.
I would not let this rest. It's too dangerous. The girls at her school are running in packs like dogs and you know how dangerous that can become. Be diligent in persuing this until it is completely solved by the school principal or the school board. If necessary take it to the media. The public needs to be made aware of the two incidents you mentioned, about your daughter and the other girl,that can be the begining of a very ugly situation that could end up with some very devastating results.

Hi T.,

I work at a High School. I see this type of stuff every day. Please do not encourage your daughter to physically fight back. This will only cause her to be cited and or arrested along with the others in the fight. There is a new law called "Mutual Combat" meaning that she takes it upon herself to fight or strike back knowing fully well that the other person will keep fight back too. She will need to go to the nearest adult for safety and to report it.
You should request a meeting with the school Principal or your daughters administrator. Put everything in writing. Email your daughter's teachers to please be on the alert so that the names of all these other girls are reported to the Admin. and or principal. Ask your daughter to pay close attention to get the girls names and from the begining, make sure that everyone is aware that you will press charges and take legal action if needed. Ask for a conciliation meeting between the students, Admins., and parents to make sure everything is nipped in the bud. After that, your daughter shouldn't have any problems. The principal, administrator, counselor, and teachers will want to do the right thing because of the Liabilities involved. If all else fails, send a very stern letter to the district superintedant listing the steps you have already taken.

Hope this helps : )

Funny, last week I had the same type of incident happen to my 13 year old. Her cousin was jumped from behind a week and a half before this particular day. When I picked her up from school she was crying and was scared because the girl who had jumped her cousin was pointing at her, and her friends had told her she said she was going to beat her up.

I went straight to the office in the morning to talk to the principal. He assured me he would meet with both girls. My daughter was upset with me, but I felt better afterwards. He suggested mediation between the girls. My daughter chose not to, but I think this is a step you might want to request if the service is available. I also felt like I had at least notified the principal, so that if anything happened and he hadn't followed through it would be his liability. I'm not the type of person to sue anyone, but my child should feel safe at school. If she doesn't then it is their responsibility to fix it. Good luck with this. M.

Now we know why the “Mean Girls” movie really hit home. This situation is real and becoming more so evident in our young women’s lives with the advent of escalating media hype and peer group pressures to be other than our true selves. It’s a tricky situation, but one that could be dealt with in a new, empowering way, for your daughter and even for the young teen perpetrators who are simply searching for their own deeply hidden identities, acting out their own fears and insecurities as well as mirroring society’s reliance on violence to solve problems and gain a sense of false superiority.

The fact that your daughter was homeschooled shows us two things. 1) You care deeply about the social and emotional fluency of your daughter and took it upon yourself to instill those traits within her through your own actions and inspired at-home curriculum and 2) Your daughter’s unique spirit, shining identity and creative nature is probably a real threat to those bullies of the female-type, who don’t have those treasured traits, don’t know how to get them and more likely than not, have parents who don’t have the time, the care, or even the knowledgebase to teach any aspect of self-assurance, emotional intelligence or creative thinking. I would hazard a guess that they themselves don’t model those ways-of-being in any way, shape or form to their tender-hearted off-spring, who literally soak up their parent’s every thought, word and deed like a newly bought sponge.

Other than filing an incident report with the school and potentially meeting with the parents of those real-life “mean girls”, there’s nothing more you can do pertaining to ”other people”. What you can do is with you and your precious 15 year old. Even more so, it’s what you do with your self, your thoughts, your actions and your words to yourself and your daughter right now that means the most and will have the most enduring effect on the situation. Who you are going through this situation will have more of an impact on your daughter than those bullies ever will - for bullies will continue to show up all throughout our lives, they will simply have on different masks. The new & improved bullies will be the meanie at work, spreading gossip and undermining our advancement; the verbally abusive lover; the aging sibling who pushes our buttons and dampens our spirit at each family gathering or even the PTA mom who sends stinging e-mails to you about your lack of involvement and ineptness at the last meeting. They’ll pop up when you least expect them. So let’s give her and you some simple tips and tools to deal with them now. She’ll become an expert bully-smasher in no time, without even lifting a finger or shouting a word of harm to anyone. And so will you, in the process.

There are some great Inner Wizdom playing cards you can purchase (http://www.cosmikids.org/store/) that can act as a powerful transformational tool for you and your daughter. The card deck’s got hip, cool packaging, great design and brilliant, fun colors. The suggestions and instructions contained on them were constructed in a way to enlist the unconscious powers of your mind to create imaginative ways to solve challenges in your daily life. You can pick a card from the deck at random and watch how magically the words begin to erase your latest worry, or play a game with your daughter and watch how embracing the card wisdom will begin to shift outer events as well. Because all outer events begin on our inner.

Here’s just a sample of two cards from the 28 card deck that, read daily, before your daughter goes to school, could have a measurable impact on the quality of her day…and yours too. Do it together and see what happens! You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain!

“When you have a problem that you don’t know how to solve, stop and say this simple thing to yourself. “How will I feel when_______________ isn’t a problem anymore?” As you think about how you will feel when the problem is solved you will begin to find more ways to solve it.

And another:

“Some kids aren’t always nice or may even act like bullies. If you know someone like this here’s how to change the situation…Remember everyone has some good qualities –even if you have to think really hard to find them. Now, whenever you see this person just think about those good qualities rather than the things you don’t like.” It’s funny how when we start focusing on the things we like about people rather than the things we don’t like, they often magically start acting better around us.

There’s lots more to read, do and think about in those cards. I hope my suggestions help.

According to my husband who is a high school teacher you should do the following: file a report (which you did), you should probably file a Police report, because if they cornered her in the bathroom is called "unlawful detention". List the names of the girls on the police report. You will probably want to get a lawyer on retainer in order to show a more forceful "opinion". When the school sees that you have a lawyer they are more apt to deal with the situation effectively. Then contact the principal specifically and give a copy of the police report and ask them what they are going to do to insure your daughter's safety. If the principal doesn't meet your needs to your satisfaction go to the district superintendent with your concerns, if that doesn't work go to the school board. In the worst extreme case you might want to pull your daughter back out and start homeschooling again or move her to a new school. You might want to have your daughter learn some self defense ie.karate, taekwondo etc. I hope that things do get worked out and your daughter feels safe. I know it is no fun to go to school and not feel safe. I hope that everything works out to your satifaction. The girls might realize that their little stunt is serious and it isn't worth it getting in trouble for harrassing another student.

I Would talk to the Principal and to her teachers. Most schools now have a no tolerance rule and each girl can be suspended. IF you feel that you are not getting much support from the school, keep going up the chain of command. Your school superintendent will usually listen because if your daughter gets hurt on school grounds they are legally liable. Make sure that your daughter sees that you are on her side and you won't stop until you both feel she is safe!

This is very serrious! Besides taking her out of shchool and putting her into another school that might be better- which could be anoption for you there are cathlioc schools etc.. Get her mace to carry with her at all times! And get her into a self defense course. she needs to get tough and protect herself. First, have a meeting with the principal & your daughter ASAP, the next day of school.Don't let her go to classes till you have the meeting. Give the principal the names of the 10 girls. Threaten the principal that if they don't take this serriously you will take further action, and will even get her a police escort if needed. Demand a meeting with these 10 girls & their parents and the school principal etc.. Make these girls answer why they are doing this and what their problem is. Maybe try to talk to them, get them to know your daughter. Have them talk to each other. If this doesn't work, Demand that the principal have these girls put in detention after school to ensure your daughter is safe getting home. If they are still doing it get your daughter a video camera to record them harrasing her, and tell the school unless they are all thrown out of school you will submit the tape to your "sister" who is a news reporter and will not stop there, you will press charges on the school for not taking action sooner, plus you will press charges against each parent of the girl who is doing this.
FIGHT BACK! GOOD LUCK!

Helllo T.,

My advice would be to take use the "chain of command" with the school & school district. I would schedule an appt. with her counselor & principal, to bring this to their attention.
Was your incident report with the police dept.? If its not, be sure to make a report/incident report with the police as well. It will be very helpful to have record of filed complaints, should something happen.

T.,

Sounds like you got some good advice but just wanted to say that if your son lives in the same town maybe he could join your daughter for lunch at school. (He would need permission from the office) Just a silent show of support for you daughter. Gives a psychological edge of not being alone. Bullies pick on those that they believe are weak or too nice to fight back although the sheer number of girls in this "pack" is a bit scary. I am sure that the school is glad your daughter spoke up so that they can catch them and break them up.
Always remember that you can change schools if need be and tell your daughter that some girls can be very territorial and just smiling at "their" guy can cause a small war.

I hope things work out,
Evelyn

Hey there, T.

Oh, hard one.....I work for the school district as a Recreational Aide and witness some unfair things happening to kids everyday!! Public Schools are becoming one of the unsafest places our kids can be, what a price to pay for a education!! The best advice u can give your daughter is let her know never to go anywhere by herself, especially the bathroom, give her a whistle and make sure she uses it at the slightest feeling of threat from these girls, make sure u make u'r presence known to these girls and give them that look like, "don't even try to go there", show up once in a while and check up on her (that u'r right) file a complaint with the school board, file a complaint with the school board security, not the campus security and ask them what u'r daughters rights are!! And if none of these work, I would strongly recommend that if you really want to make a case, have your daughter wear a recorder one day and record what these girls are saying to her and that would be some strong evidence that the school can not ignore!! For every caring parent to their child, there is a uncaring parent and this is where the problem starts!! Good Luck......V.

Oh that is awful. Poor thing. That's why I didn't like school either. I feel like saying pull her out of the school. Go back to homeschooling. It sounds horrible. Ask her what she wants to do? Let her play a role in solving this. Does she want to take self defense class? Would she like you to talk to the teacher? How does she picture this to turn out? Then go from there? And then ask yourself? What would you like to do to solve this? After that, hopefully the solution will present itself. And yeah, you can always go back to homeschooling. Good luck to you both. And give yourself a pat on the back for taking the time to find out about this and getting on it. So many parents don't know this goes on. It's nice that you and your daugther have a healthy relationship. Hope this helps some. R.

Hi T.
Same thing happened to my daughter. Next year she is being home schooled. However, with my daughter in agreement I talked to the principal and he brought all the students involved to his office and had a talk with all them not pointing fingers to any one particular student. Since then the bullying has stopped. I hope it stays that way but so far confronting the students and threatening suspension has worked for us. I feel for you and hope it works out for you. It was good that you brought it to the schools attention. This has been happening to my daughter since last year on and off. I wish I had spoke up sooner. Good luck. I also agree if it continues to happen I would call the police and file a report. Kids these days are so mean. Best of luck to you and your daughter.

My husband was bullied for months while in school. He never told his parents and believes that it affected his self image while growing up. A sense of helplessness.

When our son started developing into a sweet mellow child, we grew concerned that he may be a victim of bullying and enrolled him in martial arts.

Now the entire family will be enrolled in martial arts (more of the self defense, street fighting martial arts) so we all know how to defend ourselves.

There are programs that are geared specifically for self defense, one that comes to mind is the Shaolin Kempo Arts off of Sorrento Valley Road, 92121, ###-###-####. This Kempo dojo (asian street fighting) has a self defense class that actually has a segment on how to protect yourself from bullying.

From a brochure I received: "Set clear and approrpiate boundaries: Children learn and practice boundary-setting skills which builds confidence and improves relationships of all kinds. We teach how to stop unwanted touching and teasing by doing role plays that involve everyday, familiar forms of unwanted touch and attention such as stopping tickling and poking. No explicit sexual details are discussed. Children are given clear guidelines about what is their choice and what is not their choice."

I just found another group here in San Diego. Sorry, I don't know exactly where you are. This might be too far for you.

Yes I Can Self Defense Practical Tactics for Women & Girls
5471 Caminito Exquisito
San Diego, CA 92130
###-###-####

Please stay on top of this situtation. You may have to file charges against the girls parents that are bothering your daughter. There should be a policy in force at her school to stop this very thing. Make sure that the school is following thru. Everyone has the right to go to school without being bullied. I hope things get better soon.