My DD is 4.5 years old, and is (in my opinion...) a generally well-behaved kid. For the most part, she is really good about expressing her emotions. When she was younger, it was pretty easy to handle her emotions by giving her the words she needed to express herself, then either give her some space or comfort her. (Depending on the situation.) She was almost always able to calm herself down in a reasonable amount of time.
Now she is getting older, and simply expressing the emotion isn't enough. It seems like the worst comes out in her when she gets frustrated, and I'm not sure how I should handle the outbursts she gets at these times. They almost always come from a direct source... She has a specific problem she can't solve, and it pus her over the edge. (Not every time though, most of the time if she can't figure something out she will either ask for help or walk away for a while before trying again.) She will now scream, stomp, slam the door, throw one of her stuffed animals, etc. (though, she does take herself to her room to do these things... So I guess that's something...) She doesn't get into these fits very often, maybe 2-3x a month. I also want to point out that she has no mental or physical developmental issues that would cause this; it is purely her way of handling things.
An example would be tonight. She got frustrated when changing into pajamas because her pants got crumpled around her ankle and she couldn't get them off. Because I don't want to "rescue" her every time she has to figure something out, I wanted her to calm down and figure out the solution herself. My go-to has always been to stop what you are doing and count to ten, then try something different. This time I couldn't even get her to calm down enough TO count- I wouldn't quite say she was in hysterics, but she was in full-blown tantrum mode. (Also, I am able to distinguish pretty well between her attention-getting behaviors, and the behaviors that stem from something else... This was most definitely not an attention fit, so "ignoring the tantrum" would not be appropriate here...) I was able to get her to calm down by getting her to take "yoga breaths" (she has a kid's yoga app on my iPad that she likes to do every once in a while.) Then we got a little silly with the yoga breaths, and once she was smiling again I re-directed her attention back to the pants that were still stuck to her foot. She decided to try pulling from the bottom, and voila-problem solved. (And she got a high-five for figuring it out.)
So now I'm not sure about what I should be doing to help her learn to handle her temper. In theory, I really like taking yoga breaths or counting... But she doesn't seem to be able to self-initiate whatever soothing method would work for her. Reminding her to do it doesn't work either- I have to get down and convince her to do it, doing it myself as an example and getting her to follow along. I don't really mind helping her calm down, but I also feel like this is an important life skill she needs to develop. I guess my biggest thing is that I'm not sure if I am helping her develop coping skills by helping her out like I described in my example, or if I am interfering too much in her natural process and should leave her to rage in her space. Or maybe I am just coddling her too much, and shouldn't "allow" this behavior. (My husband thinks that she should be put in time-out when this happens, so she learns it isn't acceptable behavior. I tend to think that kids feelings need to be acknowledged, and they need to be taught how to direct/handle the emotion rather than just the behavior that stems from it...)
So, what have you found to be the best way to handle the occasional strong frustrated/angry tantrum from your preschooler?
A full-blown meltdown over pants stuck at the ankles?
That would not fly at my house.
She would be told that she could have help with getting undressed when she stopped screaming, and not before.
It varies. Sometimes I will step in because she is too tired to think straight and telling her to add one more piece of info just overwhelms her. I try to talk strategies when she is calm and not when she is in the middle of a problem and upset. If it is an occasional thing, I would remind your DH that she is overall a good kid and I bet he loses his temper now and then, too. Work her through it, discuss it later, and offer her tips to head off similar. "Honey, remember what we figured out about your pants? Try sitting down first." You can also say, "I can't help you when you are screaming. Let me know when you are ready for my help."
Your approach sounds spot on to me. She's only 4... she will still need help to calm down, maybe up to 6 or 7. Stay the course, don't change a thing. It just takes time. (And I agree with you, v. your husband.)
There is a great show on PBS that addresses this. It is called "Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood". It is an animated version of Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood from when we were kids. You can get it online at pbskids.org. They have a specific episode where Daniel deals with this exact issue. The show is really well done. It has a two line song they sing throughout each episode to help the kids remember what to do. My 5 year old and 7 year old LOOOOOOVE it and sing the songs to each other when they get in these situations. (Frustration, trying new foods, parents going out, etc.) I highly recommend it!
You may want to also keep a few notes about the timing of these tantrums. Could she be tired from joining preschool? I think I remember from a previous posting that it started a bit early. Does she need an earlier bedtime? Hungry? Thirsty? Needing Mommy and me, after being attentive in preschool? This age reminds me of when our kids were younger and we were constantly redirecting them. Now again, as their world and it's expectations get greater, we again might need to engineer their day a little, decreasing stress at home to accomodate for the increased stress out in the "big world". All my best.
How'd you get my kid? The pants around the foot do it every time! :)
Sounds like you (and her) are right on track to me. Keep showing/teaching her and eventually you'll have to do it less and less. Parenting is exhausting.
You're lucky that this doesn't happen very often! This is daily occurrence in my house with my very strong willed DD, who is also 4.5. I have found that simply telling her I will not speak to her or help her until she calms down and asks me nicely does the trick.
Depending on how far into a rage she is, she may need 10 minutes to off and be mad. But she inevitably comes back to me and asks for help after I show her I'm ignoring her outbursts.
I think that you certainly have the right approach. Mine is almost 4, and he occasionally wants to toss or hit something in frustration. It's always when he's tired, though, so I take that into account. If it lasts a second, we just let him have it and talk about it after. We'll give him kudos for getting it over and out so quickly. We'll also tell him what we thought of his particular method. If it seems to be bigger than that, we intervene. We've always talked to him about doing the right thing versus doing the wrong thing, and I tell him that feeling bad is not a good reason to do the wrong thing.
In the heat of the moment, to calm him, I do something to get his attention, depending on how escalated he is--call his name loudly, tap his foot with my hand, hold him firmly.... Then, I use a calm voice to ask him what's going on. We might re-direct with a favorite song or asking how his favorite character might handle the same situation. I just talk to him about it, giving him options for the future. I tell him that it's okay to feel what he feels--that I feel that way, too, sometimes--but he's still not supposed to do the wrong thing. Then, later, when we're out of the moment, I go back to it and ask him what he thinks he should if that happens again. That helps to make it part of his go-to patterns.
At 4, almost 5, I'm sure that your daughter can count to 10 just fine. I wonder, though, if counting might add to her frustration, especially if she's tired. I imagine a 4yo who's got this big frustrating thing taking up so much space in her mind. In the midst of feeling overwhelmed with whatever all the details are, she is commanded to start counting, something that is not necessarily second nature just yet. So now, she's got to shift her focus on a dime and make sure that she's saying the numbers in order and stopping exactly on 10.
PS. We haven't had any full-on tantrums, but he expresses disagreement when he can't have his way. If I tell him no and he cries a little, I let it go, because he gets to express his disappointment. If he cries hard and it becomes disruptive, I tell him that continuing will ensure that he also misses the next opportunity. He doesn't shut right up, and I dont' demand that he does. But he does calm down.
It sounds like you are doing great. You are giving her tools and helping her use them. As she gets older, she will be able to start using these tools herself. Remember, there are plenty of adults who still can't control their tempers and punch holes in walls (or people). Your child is only 4 and still a very little girl. Kudos to you for how you are parenting :)
I took a look at the Back to Basics Discipline book when my son was about 4. I was HORRIFIED and never made it past the first chapter. What you present as your parenting goals are pretty much 100% the opposite of that book. Also - my son is now 8 and still fights with his pants (and yes he intellectually knows that pulling from the bottom works best).
My dad always said a 4 year old is a 2 year old with a mouth :).
I think you're handling this well. You are teaching her how to manage her frustration by guiding her in yoga breaths. She's young. It takes time to make something second nature.
A comment about tantrums. Even when a tantrum is not a bid for attention I suggest it's best to ignore them. In the situation you described if it had been my granddaughter I would have quietly waited until she calmed somewhat before suggesting yoga breaths because any attention causes my 3 yo granddaughter to escalate. She would scream, "leave me alone" most likely in the form of "get out!". When I just stand quietly she sometimes calms down but not always. If she doesn't I leave and come back later.
Having a temper is ok. What we do with that temper may not be ok. Have you tried validating her frustration? The grandaughter who was with me at that age calmed almost immediately when I responded with "that is so frustrating!" We were together nearly everyday and she learned that her frustration was no big deal. My younger grandaughter, 3, is told to stop yelling and she does go to her room to have a meltdown. Because of your question I realize the difference in parental approach and chikd's response. The 3 yo, when I was visiting, went ballistic because her 1yo sister was pkaying with her new backpack. Her Dad told her to leave her little sister alone which also made her mad. I picked up the backpack and told the 3yo to "let's put it up out of your sisters reach" and sympathized with her. All was calm. Later she said she was mean to have yelled at her sister. Once her feelings were validated she could consider her sister's feelings.
You're doing great. People always warned me about the terrible twos but I think 4 was the toughest age for my daughter. Great advice below. I will always suggest role playing. It helps the child get outside of themselves and really see what's happening (if that makes any sense) :o/ Hang in there!
My daughter is also 4 1/2 and this all sounds very familiar to me. I have a 7 y/o too and I shudder to remember her at age 4.
I think you might be overthinking it a little. Of course we don't want to give in to full on tantrums, but I am kind of with you on wanting kids to get their emotions out in a safe place, or as you put it "rage in her space". When my daughter launches into wailing, whining, frustration, cranky rude noises of any kind, I try to get her to express with words what is happening. If she is just "raging" and needs to get it out, she goes to her room until she can join the rest of us in harmony. Then I just check on her now and again to offer assistance, coping skills, etc.
I think you are doing fine. It passes as they learn to contain their emotions a little better and can express with language instead how they are feeling.
Thank you for being clear that she does NOT have developmental or medical issues. And for the background on her general good nature. With all that said, yes this is NORMAL at 4. (Not to say you can't change it). My 8 and 6 year olds tried it occasionally like your daughter. My 8 year old "extremely easy" daughter still very rarely loses her cool (and it's usually for good cause and she's definitely having some hormonal shifts). My spirited 6yo son DEFINITELY has the urges to break out in a rage from time to time still.
But I've always firmly curbed those tendencies since the onset, so they've never executed full-blown, long-lasting, tear-your-room-apart tantrum fests. Tantrums just weren't allowed to continue past the one minute mark without a warning and discipline a la "Back to Basics Discipline" by Janet Campbell Matson. So it never got out of hand or out of my control. I was raised the same way so I knew there was no reason to ignore and allow tantrums. I have always been able to take all three kids everywhere as a single parent with no family near by and no nanny budget. Freaking out on whims was never and option.
But let's talk about my third, the super rager. She was born with the TEMPER of all TEMPERS and threw deliberate, angry, aggressive fits starting at age 9 months. She definitely would have been one of those kids head-banging and vomiting and throwing multiple hours-long fits per day by age 2-3 if I had ignored it or allowed it. Now she's 5, and she's still the most intense and sensitive child I have BY FAR. So I was dealing with what you're talking about only way more often, and starting way younger.
Doesn't matter. You set a policy, and you hold to it. She had the same rules as my other two. An extremely difficult child will take more diligence, repetition, and patience, but you can prevail, and medically normal children CAN control these completely normal temper tantrums.
Good work identifying when it is a genuine crisis vs. an attention seeking episode or negative outburst for the sake of a negative outburst. I subscribe to the theory that the EARLIER you instill discipline to set correct habits (as they very first BEGIN IN TODDLERHOOD), the LESS TROUBLE you will have later. And despite my youngest's tempestuous nature, she is an extremely well-behaved child now, flourishing in kindergarten. Her temper is endearing actually, because she fights it so well, which gains more sympathy from bystanders than kids who just lose their minds whenever they want. People who know her well, love her intense nature, easily watering eyes, brave face in when she's super mortified about something that's no big deal, but to her, you can tell it tugs deeply at her soul.....hopefully she'll be an actress one day because that sensitivity it always right under the surface.
But to CURB the awful fits, just like my other two, she got a very calm warning at the first signs of one, and discipline the minute she decided to proceed.It's too late once in the throws of it, so if you miss the beginning, you have to wait it out and catch the next one. But she will catch on that when she wants to flip her lid because you said "no" or another kid wants to share her toy, or she didn't want to leave the park yet....that you are serious when you warn her not to proceed with that behavior.
Get the book I mentioned. At your daughter's age, and with her temperament, she'll catch on very quickly. If you keep letting her go to her room and have fits, she'll do it as long as she wants. Maybe a few more months, maybe a few more years. And they could very well get worse if she get addicted tot he behavior. Kids can control it though if you MAKE THEM.
My 4 yo doesn't throw as many full-on tantrums much anymore. But when it does happen, I make my 4 yo go in her room if she wants to throw a tantrum. At this age, I don't try to stop the tantrum/hysterics because I figure she needs to work it out herself. And usually, when I try to talk to her when she's like that, it doesn't do much good (and sometimes makes it worse). She can't come out of her room until she's calmed down and ready to use her words to talk to me. Then we hug and talk it out. We started this when she was 3, and at first, it seemed like it would take forever for her to calm down. But now, I've noticed the period of time is shortening.
