I Feel like a Bad Mom...

I don't thnk you are a bad mom & I don't think it's depression. I get the same way even now that the kids are big. Lot of people label it depression & pin it on the mom when really it is the family's fault for not helping out. You work full time! And babies! what happens when the entire family is in the house? are they helping you? it is not your sole responsibility to care for & raise the kids, especially since you work full time. I think you are stressed out, & the grandparents if there are any need to step up & do their jobs. when I get like that it's because i see my relatives lazing around & not helping out & then they want to show the kids off as though they had something to do with making them what they are. I think your son is too young to be out of pullups especially when you are not there all day to supervise & train him. Boys are slow to train. my boy wasn't fully trained till age 3, whereas my girls were done aroung age 2. don't get mad at the poor little guy or the babies. they are what it's all about. can you cut back on your work? get more help, get more rest, cut back on work if possible. if stressed, take it out on somebody your own size, not the babies. exercise or something whatever helps you get rid of your mental stress

I was pretty young with my children as well and things can be very overwhelming, especially if you have friends your age who are going out, etc. Don't take on ANYTHING extra. Try to get your husband to help more or relieve you every once in a while for a nap, nice bath, or to get out of the house. He should give up his softball for a while until your children are wel or until the baby gets older and doesn't need to much of your attention.

If you do think you are having post-partum, then get to the doctor or a psychologist. Someone you can talk to about what you are going through.

C.,

You are not a bad mom. You need to talk to your doctor ASAP. You may have post-partum. If you do, you need professional help. You are very self-aware and that is awesome. Please talk to your doctor and tell them everything you've told us. I had a bit of post-partum with my first (I have 2 also).

As for your relationship and your new family dynamic, I found a great book that has helped my hubby and me understand all the stuff no one ever told you about having kids. It's called "Babyproofing your Marriage". It's funny and written by 3 moms just like us.

I'd be happy to chat with you some more and offer my support if you need it.

Just to make sure you got it: YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM!

P.

BIG HUGS to you! you are NOT a bad Mom! It is hard to transition from one to two little ones. I have been in the same place you are. It DOES get easier. I too have lost my patience with both kids, and I know the guilt all too well. For me, patience is something I have to practice on a daily basis, something I have to constantly remind myself of. I know it may sound next to impossible, but you need to find an outlet, a hobby, a moment of peace every day for YOU. You say your husband is great and supportive, which I'm sure he is, but you mention that he is busy with softball. I'm not sure if that means he plays or coaches, but either way that is his outlet. If he is indeed supportive, got to him and communicate that you need some YOU time once in awhile. I'm sure he will have no problem with that. And if he does....don't ask for the time you need, Demand it! Did you have a hobby or something you enjoyed doing before kids? If so, take that hobby up again. It could be something as small as scrapbooking or reading a book. Even going out for coffee with a couple girlfriends once a week will help. As far as PPD goes, you may in fact have it or you may just be overwhelmed. If you feel it's more than just being overwhelmed, maybe you can talk to your doctor about it and see what they suggest. I think what you are going through is completely normal. Many Moms go through it, you aren't the only one! I hope it makes you feel better knowing that. :)

You are not a bad mom. Working full-time, have a new born, potty training another and your husband plays softball and wants sex once a week? You need to simplify your life a little. Tell your husband that perhaps he should consider skipping softball this season and help you out - the reward? maybe you'll feel like having sex. What else can you simplifly? Perhaps slow down on the potty training. There's no rush, right? I waited until my daughter's were really ready and they had almost no accidents. Of course, they were well into their third year, but there wasn't the struggle and accidents.

I had a mild case of postpartum depression and I became easily overwhelmed - making cupcakes for preschool was too much - and I cried alot. For me it happened when my second was 3 months. I did get medication and it cleared up.

I realize that you and your husband are very young and perhaps he hasn't yet figured out that your life changes when you have a baby, not to mention 2. Sometimes you have to give up some of those additional activities while your family adjusts to a new routine. I consider the first year of a child's life to be the hardest.

Can you take off work for a year or two? Think about what would help you be a better mom. It sounds as if you're bearing the brunt of the new family changes and your husband just goes on his merry way, playing sports, being busy at work, etc.

Good-luck.

sorry to hear how you feel and i think that you should talk to a doctor or something because it does sound a lot like you have post partum. i think every woman goes through it after having a baby and it really sucks. i know exactly how you feel. i had it with my youngest. i use to have like little visions or movies or something playing in my head when i would take her a bath. i picture her falling under the water and i would just stand there and watch her drown. i was really freaked out by that and went straight to the doc. i love my kids and i thought something was really really wrong with me or i was gonna be a horrible mother, but it turned out i had post partum and they put me on anit depressants until i felt i didn't need them anymore. i hope this helps you. hang in there

Okay since everyone's already said very loudly that it's postpartum depression, I'm just gonna comment on the sex part that you mentioned.. Girl, believe me when I say your hubby is LUCKy to have sex with you so soon after having a baby, and ONCE a week? he's a monster! You should not feel bad for not caving in.. afterall, liken the sex to babysitting... Tell him.. okay.. you work hard, and so do I.. how about you take charge of th ekids, then tell me how horny you are. Believe me, he won't be interested, especially after changing diapers, being thrown up on... not having time to shower... and when you feel icky, you simply feel icky. It's totally normal. I don't mean he's mean or anything, just that he sounds a bit unreasonable to think that you should be giving it up all the time. You don't want to hate sex altogether right? And you will, if you feel pressured all the time. Tell him to romance ya... remember, just cuz you're married, he still has to work to KEEP ya!
S.

You are not a bad mom. What you are is HUMAN. We all have times where the littlest thing can set us off and unfortunately the ones around us pay the price. i would talk to your doctor because it does sound like you have a bit of PPD. Better to be safe than sorry.
About the sex issue. I didn't have sex after my daughter was born for 6 months. I just didn't feel like it and your hubby should not make you feel bad about not wanting it. He should consider your feelings - not just his own.
Take some time for you. Being a mom is exhausting especially with more than one kid. Take a warm bath. Relax. Ask your hubby to help carry some of the weight now. Tell him how you are feeling.

Good luck!

A good question to ask yourself before assuming it's chemical or that you are a terrible mom is, how many hours a week to do you get to spend on just you? I find myself reaching my limits (just as you listed above) when I've not one second of me time. I give, give, give and I don't get anything reward or return. I mean, how could I...she's only 2. She doesn't know when to say...Mommy...I think you deserve to sleep in today or take a day to go get a pedicure. Set a schedule with your husband for a "you date" and then set a schedule for a "date night" with a sitter. The time away from the kids is amazingly healing all on it's own. It's possible it can lift your funk and reset your mood. Even the extreme fears (which I too have experience at my more low point) Eat well. Take vitamins. Definitely exercice. (Anything, situps, squats...just get the blood moving and the endorphines kicking) These have all helped make a major difference for when I start losing it and I mean in the very recent days.

Good luck.

It sounds like it to me. I had horrible PPD but never recognized it. My Dr. diagnosed it after my 5 child. Talk to your Dr right away. You may need to make some changes in your lifestyle but it will be worth it for you and your family in the long run. Pray about it even if you are not a believer it will help because you are not bottling your feelings and you will feel less alone. Insist that your husband help more until you feel normal again. If he does and it comes back you know things are not working the way they are setup now. Sometimes just a very simple change of pace can make a world of difference. Do you work? Do you have friends you regularly spend time with (away from the kids?) As far as your sex life if you don't want it you don't want it, don't let him make you feel pressured or like you are being unfair to him. Men are designed differently and statistically if he is getting you once a week he is doing better than most. Even newlyweds and people who are dating sometimes don't get together that often he should feel lucky. I say leave him with the babies for a weekend while you rejuvenate yourself and see if he is ready to romp the minute you get back. Men just don't understand emotional exhaustion is worse than physical exhaustion and dealing with babies all day long with not enough adult interaction is exhausting. Good Luck my dear many of us have been there you are not a bad Mom and you are definitely not alone. K.

Talk to your doctor!!! Or just about anyone that will listen. This does sound like postpartum depression. I am not an expert, but it sounds like you should really bring this up with your doctor and see what they have to say about it. And it also sounds like you should talk with your husband and let him know how you are feeling. The more support you have the easier it will be to deal with this.

Dear C.,
Please don't beat yourself up. It's a lot of work having two kids under the age of 3, working full time and being a loving, attentive wife. Cut yourself some slack! I was feeling the same way and I decided to make some changes in my life that have helped a lot. First, I realized that my job was a big factor in my daily stress level. I could handle it prior to kids, but I found that I was so drained when I got home, I was cranky, impatient and just horrible to be around. So even though I loved my work, I changed my job. I found a company with a looser work environment and one that wasn't as tense. My overall mood has improved 100 fold. Next, I started making some time for me. As a working mom/wife, we're expected to do it all...and it's just not possible. Take some time for yourself and do something that makes YOU feel good. Maybe you can only do it once a month, but it will change how you feel about yourself and your outlook on your family/life. Last, make time to spend with your husband. Find a good sitter and just go to dinner, movie, whatever. You need to reconnect with him! None of this is easy when you see mounds of laundry, chores around the house, etc., but what I know now is when you start making a few changes each day, there will be a marked difference in how your son reacts to you, your husband sees you and most importantly, how you feel about yourself. Good luck and take care!

I would see my dr right away. I was like this during my pregnancy and years after. I still am sometimes. Medication really helped me. I finally felt normal. But counseling is strongly encouraged if taking medication. There are some little things that can help too: good nutrition, regular sleep time, drinking enough water, getting some sun, sex (I know you said you're not into it, but it's really important for a marriage - I'm in the same boat as your husband - my husband is always too tired and his libido isn't as it was). I know what you're going through. It feels horrible to yell at your children. And they do say that stuttering is something that happens to kids who are yelled at a lot.

You sound overwhelmed and rightfully so. You are doing so much. Stress can cause us to burn up the chemical in the brain that helps us to cope. I highly recommend the book Post Partum Depression for Dummies. It really cover a wide range of experience and I believe it will really help you. We have all had regretful moments as mothers. It helps me to apologize to my son if I said or did something I regretted. Take care,
D.

Hi C.,

First off and please do believe when I say you are FAR FROM a bad mom, you are just tired and over worked and unfortunatly even though we want to be even us good mommies can't do it all, all the time it is alot to be a mom and even when we have great supportive husbands and help from family alot is still put on moms and when we are tired it is hard to keep it cool. I have 5 of my own and they are all 2 1/2 years apart so I have been pregnant or had a baby for the last 12 years. I know it is alot of work and sometimes hard to keep your cool that definatly does not make us bad moms just human. It does sound like you have post pardum depression I had a severe case with my second son and finding myself like you Potty training and blowing up on acidents and getting upset at the baby because he had colic and always cried the best thing for you is talk and talk alot about how you feel try to get it out and when your husband has a few minutes try to do something for yourself to get a breath I know it is hard to do ME time boy do I know and as for busy husbands I got one of those too but maybe try to talk to your husband and make an apointment with him for a little ME time. If you need to talk fell free to email me sometimes it help to have someone to listen and not judge. :)
You are a Great Mom never think different!
V. N
____@____.com

i have a 5 month old son and a 3 year old daughter and went through the same thing. i was so easily frustrated. lack of sleep was partly to blame but when i started getting enough sleep and still blowing up at the kids i knew something was wrong. i was also having other symptoms, but it ended up being a thyroid problem. my doctor told me that a lot of new moms get some kind of depression but sometimes it's a thyroid hormone imbalance. i had a hyperthyroid which can cause the nervousness and anxiousness. this is just something to consider. now that i am in the process of correctly the imbalance these outbursts are getting better. i hope things get better for you and ask family and friends for help when you need it!!

I dont know if this will help but every good mom who loves there children at some point feel overly parinoid about the most random of things. My daughter is 3 know and still I wake up many times a night to check on her if shes breathing etc. But if you feel like it might be post partum then you should talk to a professional about it because it can get worse. Again every mom feels like they are the worse and feel guilty about aspects of parenting this is all normal and you can talk to people (like other mothers) who share your feelings to better understand them.

Sounds like a possible bout of depression...I went through this on edge all the time...upset about silly things...scared and anxious...yea...I still deal with this issue but Im doing alot better than before...try talking to your doc...maybe see a therapist...I know it may sound crazy but you know what...it really helps and you learn new coping skills...anymore questions...ask me...good luck and get well... =)

Run, don't walk, to the doctors!!! Your ob/gyn or a psych doc will be able to get you the help you need. I have been there and I know it can get better! It may be hard to take the first step but it will be worth it. All of the things you mention sound like some of the classic PPD symptoms. I have been there and I know they can give meds that will help you (even if you are breastfeeding) so go get help. I honestly believe the meds they gave me saved my life...hang in there. If you need to talk feel free to send me a private message.

Hi C.,

No, you are not a terrible mom. You sound like a mom that has her hands really full right now, and you're basically on your own. I know what anxiety and depression feel like and I'd say you may have both. I'd go to my Dr. and explain the things you've told us above. A short term of medical therapy would help you immensely. Don't hesitate. These feelings are normal and can be fixed. Don't suffer any longer C.. Let me know how things turn out.

V.

Hi momma. You need to make an appointment to see your doctor and you need to tell them what you've told us. What we all think you have is post partum depression. You're not alone in this. Lots of us feel this way. Don't worry it will get better.

I second what everyone else has said about getting to the doctor. You are NOT a bad mom!!!! Don't try to do this on your own - undiagnosed PPD does negatively impact children. Try to get some counseling/therapy as well as meds - they work best together. There are also some preliminary studies that imply Omega-3 fatty acids can help so if you weren't taking a DHA supplement when you were pregnant, you might want to talk to your doctor about that too. (not a substitute for other meds or talk therapy though!)

I also agree that you and your hubby need to work something out so you feel more supported and less alone. He may need to cut down on softball, or arrange to give you time to do something you love, that makes you feel good about yourself (a mani/pedi, a massage, time with friends) and exercise is HUGELY important with depression.

As for sex - once a week is a pretty darned good average for anyone with little kids. As much as we don't want to feel pressured, sometimes having sex can make us feel better (gets those endorphins flowing). However, the most important thing is intimacy and communication. Don't feel that this is all your fault or problem. It takes two people to have a relationship and just because your hubby wants sex and you don't DOESN'T make the lack of sex your fault. Our emotions are so tied to our sex drive that if he's not giving you what you need emotionally, it can be very difficult to want to feel vulnerable or intimate physically. Things will probably get better as your depression and anxiety clear but if they don't, GET HELP! Couples therapy can be invaluable (saved my marriage and taught us skills that will help us get through tough spots for the rest of our lives - we did Imago Relationship Therapy).

It's really great that you were able to reach out on this board to ask for help/advice. Keep doing that - you're not alone.
Good luck and keep us posted!

I would DEFINITELY go and talk to your doctor. The good news is that you are recognizing that you are not yourself. If this isn't how you normally act, then you should definitely see what your options are and what your doctor thinks.

Dear C.,

No, no, no, you are not a bad Mom. You are a depressed Mom. Go to the doctor right now !! He or she will be able to help you. Do not pass Go do not Collect $100, just go straight to the doctor and pour out your heart. If you do what I am telling you, then things will clear up and you will enjoy your life and family lots more, and stop feeling like you do not want sex, hooray for that, says hubby, and you will enjoy your children more too. Do it . O.K.? O.K.
C. N. This is important.....

yes.. I think you are depressed!! I had the same thing and felt like a bad person all together not just a bad mom...Talk to your Dr. ASAP!! There are SOOO many ways to treat what is going on these days.. it is just silly to let this go on any longer when it is so easy to get help.. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! Good luck! and if there is anything I can do to help please let me know :) Tiff

i noticed that sometimes when i get mad at my infant it really helps me if we snuggle for a few minutes, it calms me down alot, good luck

I felt that way for a long time. My youngest is now 20 months and I just talked to my doctor 2 months ago about depression. The anxiety goes with it too and the frustration. I am on some antidepressants and doing more exercise and such, it's helping. I would suggest you talk to your doctor asap, don't wait a year and a half like I did. It's not really something you just snap out of, I tried and prayer wasn't enough for me either. I believe my faith can move mountains but am also realizing God provides doctora and medicines when we need them. Good luck! God Bless!

C.,
First of all you aren't a bad mom. You need to call your doctor as soon as possible to get some help. It sounds like post partum depression. I have a 9 month old and when she was about 2 months old I had a huge out burst with my sister-in-law so I understand. When my baby was about 4 month to 6 month I was worried and scared of everything. I worried about it all. I got some help and I know feel so much better. I am able to enjoy life again. I hope this helps you to see you can get some help. So get an appointment asap! Take Care and do things that make you happy. If you don't feel like doing something don't do it. Write down 10 things you like to do for yourself and then do them. If you can just do 5 well that is a start. I wish you well and take good care of yourself. Annette M

As others have stated, you are not a bad mom. Please do talk to your OB/GYN right away and use the descriptive words such as: I feel restless, anxious, fatigued and worthless. You deserve the help and attention that you need. If your doctor does not feel supportive then I suggest that you find a therapist who specializes in new mom issues. Try not to minimize these feelings. The good news is that talk therapy and/or medications can help pretty quickly.
It sounds like your husband is not supportive of your needs too which can only add more stress and less sexual desire. He will need to be educated on PPD too. It may be hard to get him to participate more in the care of your children but remember that you deserve and expect his help.
I recommend reading the book "And Baby Makes Three" by Gottman. It really covers how to work out things as a couple when the baby arrives. Best of luck

Hi Carie, don't feel bad... it is a lot of work to be a mom, working FT, watch the kids, and make sure things are in order in the house everyday. Maybe you can try PT work for now...for me work was sort of a refuge.I did not quit totally. I worked PT for the last 3 years. It gives me a break from the exhausting routine at home. I have 3 boys- 8,6, 2 1/2. It is hard to keep things in order in the house esp. keeping it clean and quiet as much as you can. What I do is just leave the toys where they are unless it is a danger. Clean or do the laundry every 2 weeks or so. I cook dinner maybe 3x a week and have my hubby buy take out food occassionally when i don't feel like cooking or just don't have any idea what to cook. Sometimes I let the kids eat first before my hubby gets home so it is quiet and me & my hubby can have a little more chatting/bonding time.If my kids are just at home most of the time I just cleanse them really good with a clean washcloth at the end of the day and get them clean clothes and set up for dinner and pray & retire to bed afterwards.I give them a bath every other day unless they really perspired or are dirty. Once a month I have time on my own by either going out with work friends and have lunch with them or just stop by the mall to buy things for myself or just window shop.. These things help me de-stress myself. Same with your hubby give him time to be away and do his own thing like shop at the mall or spend time with his family or friends.

You are not a bad mom...you are doing a lot and it is overwhelming. I had times that I cry when evrything has quiet down at night or when the kids are taking their nap. I do think to myself "what am I doing to my kids"of "why can't I just have a housekeeper come and clean the house". My first 2 boys were potty trained on & off and got to it when they were around 3 1/2-4yr old esp when they see other kids do it like in pre-school. After a while I learned to sort of balance my time. I have no other "relative help" but able to survive for the last 2 1/2 yrs since my 3rd child's birth and death of my mother a year after my youngest was born...You are a dedicated mom and you love your family....but remember to take time-off for your sake... Your hubby is lucky to have you.

Just try to have time for yourself. Time for your kids like go to the library or a fitness center where they have a daycare that could watch your kids for a small fee/hr ($2.75/hr)while you exercise for an hour.

C.,
I think you should make an appointment with your OB/GYN. I had postpartum with my first. I cried so much! And, I had this terrible feeling that I was going to drop my baby on the stairs. I would also drive into intersections without looking just to see what would happen. I was messed up. My OB/GYN was very helpful. Sometimes, you just need someone to tell you that you aren't alone. And sometimes, a little Zoloft helps, too! PPD happens to SO many of us. There is nothing wrong with you as a woman or a mom. You just need a little help right now. And that is okay. Go soon. You don't want to scare your son while he's potty training; it might cause a setback.

Good luck! If you need to talk, message me. I know what you've been through.

You are NOT a bad mom.......Maybe a lil overwhelmed.You work full time and have two small children,one potty training and the other only an infant it's no wonder your'e a little depressed. It is NOT your fault! I don't know what your support system is like but get a couple family members to help out if you can. Maybe just have someone there to help one evening a week so you can take a nap, or just read a book...anything that you enjoy that relaxes you....You should also speak to your doctor about post partum depression. They offer many ways to treat it. Don't be ashamed,it's more normal than you relize. Good Luck & God Bless

I'm going to just add a quick thing of agreement with some of the other advice I've alrady seen. I'm a current psychology student and have dealt with depression a lot in my life. It definitely sounds like you may have some post partum depression. Know that its not your fault and that it is possible to get through. The most important thing is to seek out some help. Maybe seeing a psychologist and talking things out or even going out once a week with a friend to escape and relax and talk can help. Talk to your doctor, if you don't have health insurance there are places that you can find that deal with these things for a cheap to no cost rate. Look online or in your local guide. You'll feel much better and your family will continue to thrive if you seek out a little assistance.

C.,
Honey you are not a bad mother! Your hormones are out of wacked and you are depressed. You are not by yourself. I was depressed after each of my four children. Each one was a different experience. I wish I had had someone to talk to in a professional capacity. Sounds like you need a psychologist and a family counselor as your family needs to understand what is going on with you and the why of your behavior. This depression tends to disappear after a while but you need help now. Get it! The fact that you recognize that your behavior is not the real you and that you are causing problems with your family is the first big step. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Take care. R. T.

Carie,
It sounds to me like you need more support from your husband. I don't think dads realize just how difficult it is raising two young children. I don't think you're a bab mom, you're just overwhelmed. As for your son having accidents, try not to make it a big deal, 2 1/2 is still kind of young to be fully potty trained. When my duaghter was that age, my doctor told me not to get upset if she didn't want to poop in the potty. If you think about it, it's the only thing in his life that "he" can control and he will do it when he's ready.
Do you and your husband ever go out and leave the kids with a sitter? I truly believe that alone time with your husband is very important, and not just once a week in bed! If you guys can get out of the house alone, you will be able to talk with no interruptions, and maybe you can let him know how you feel.
I am a mother of two teenage daughters, divorced and working full time, and believe that a major contributor to my divorce was the lack of communication between me and my husband.
I hope that I have been of some help. Let me know how things progress.
J.

It sounds to me like you need to get away and have some mommy time. Sometimes we get caught up in the daily ritual of caring for the family and forget that we need time to ourselves. This does not mean that you are being slefish it just means you need to take care of you. We also need some adult conversation. I have been playing soccer for about 8 years now and let me tell you it's great. I go once a week and I have never been better for my family. I can take out my frustrations out on the ball v/s the kids or my husband.

Go and see your doctor and see what your options are for treatment. I went through the same thing and it is just a hormonal thing, but you do need to deal with it now before it becomes a really big problem.

Ok, first off, you are not a bad mother. You have noticed a change and you are asking for help. That is a good mother. You could be suffering from post pardum depression. Contact your Dr. and tell them whats going on :) They can help. Good luck

Carie you sound just like me. I only have a one year old but man I can totally relate. My husband is military so he is gone A LOT. When he does come home I don't want sex I could care less and its not like I'm doing anything to please myself when he is gone I just want to sleep and relax when my son goes to bed but when he is home ha ha hmm sex and sex seems to be one of our biggest problems. I dont have an answer for that except even if you don't want it you gotta give in every now and then. Just think 30 min or an hour and its over. :) as far as you not adjusting to anything and feeling sad and tired and all the other feelings you have I am not a person who likes meds but I love anti depesents. I was very resestent at first but after taking the pills for a few weeks I noticed I actually had depression also they gave me energy which was great. I would go talk to you doctor you would be amaized how much they will help. Good luck
M.

Please get yourself to a doctor and quickly. I am afraid for your and your children. Your symptoms sound like a classic case of postpartum depression. Even if you don't beieve that it exists or that you are suffering from it, please seek some help. It can be a very scary feeling to wonder what is wrong with you. You think that you are supposed to be overjoyed with your new baby, but you just don't feel the same way that you did when you brought the first one home. That is ok. Not everyone has post partum depression with every child. Some only have it with one, or two and some of us are lucky enough not to have it at all. You and yours will be in my prayers.