I Don't Seem to Fit in Anywhere

A fewn questions for you: What are you expecting to find in a friendship from someone? Do you tell people about your past in the beginning of new relationships with them or do you let them get to know you first?

I wonder when people say they can't find a place to fit if they are giving those around them the chance to ge to know who they are before telling them the nitty gritty. IMO if that's what you are doing, stop. People don't need to know all your personal business. They can take you for who you are right now. If they want to know about your family and your past you can be vague without lying to them.

Do you have any hobbies that you like to participate in? Scrapbooking? Needlework? Knitting? You could even take a class at a local craft store and meet a lot of nice people that way.

Just a few things to chew on.

You are looking in all the right places. Keep trying. and pray that God will help you connect with someone. All women need a girlfriend and God knows that. Perhaps you cna get together with couples that your husband knows. AF

I would say dont talk about your cult issues until you are comfortable with the friends/church you belong too. When you find the right church talk to the elders and see how best to handle the siuation. NOt everyone needs to know everything.

Don't give up. Keep trying to find a church that you can be a part of. Be the first in a new situation to introduce yourself. Don't believe the lie that you can't fit in. You have been created with a purpose and there are people who need your story to help them. I firmly believe that God does not waste anything. God can and does use everything. He will use this lonely time too. As for fitting into society, I don't think it is all it is cracked up to be. I think it is important to be able to relate to others but you don't need to be just like everyone else. Celebrate your uniqueness and your unique background. There is a place for you to fit in and serve. Don't give up. Keep looking.

You don't say if you live in a big city or not. What about starting a book club? Keep volunteering - great way to meet new people - garden club (if you like gardening,) anything with children. Join a health club - great way to meet people and make connections. Good luck to you! I do hope you find your nitch soon.

Hi N.,
Your story sounds amazing. Our past defines our future paths. You seem to be stuck on a path and not sure where to go. Perhaps you could write a book about your past. It would inform the world and could be a healing process for you at the same time.
I agree with the other post that since you have such a dramatic past, perhaps you unknowingly put up some walls towards others. Take a look at you. What are you interested in? Books, knitting, swimming, writing, pottery, animals, kids... let others get to know you based on the common thread and then over time let them in to your past. Its like reading a good suspense novel. If the first page tells you everything, why stick around to read the rest?
Here are several places that you could try for friends/companionship ...
Religious based - Try a Unitartian church. There are very open. There is one in Manassas, and several others around NorthernVA. The one in Manassas has a website: http://www.bruu.org/ They even have sermons over the web so you can 'test drive' them if you will. I visited there for a wedding. They have coffee time where all of the visitors take a certain color cup. Then all of the regular attendees know that you are a visitor by the color of your cup.

Non-religious based - Join a club or weekly group or volunteer or get a part-time job. There are usually reading groups that meet at the library to discuss the latest books. Sometimes there are knitting courses, etc. You have 4H experience. Perhaps volunteer at the local animal hospital or shelter. You have pre-school experience, get a part-time job at a daycare. The county has several groups that meet at the Chinn Center.
Best of luck.
M.

Dearest N. ~

I can't imagine someone not wanting to get to know you. You sound like a fascinating person. Your past brought you to this place, but it is not the essence of who you are. You don't have to reveal every aspect of your past right away. Wait until you feel safe and comfortable with someone before you reveal so much of your past. Perhaps you're putting up some kind of wall or defense mechanism that you may not even be aware of. You might think that someone has to know all about your past and accept that before you will let them into your life. Let people just get to know you for who you are NOW. You obviously are a survivor and must have great strength. Don't allow your past to continue to make you a victim. Live your life for TODAY! I wish you the very best and bless you for bringing up such fine young men.(I read your bio. and again, fascinating!)

~ K.

N., I just want to say that my heart goes out to you. You must be an incredibly strong woman. I can think of one place that you will absolutely make friends, will absolutely not be judged, and where you will have the power find absolute happiness in your life. www.sgi-usa.org I am 25, and I am a Buddhist. The SGI is a wonderful organization. You may be surprised to know that we have thousands of members right in Hampton Roads. If you want to know any more about this, or anyone reading this wants to know more, please feel free to get in touch with me. ____@____.com or
###-###-####
L.

N.,
one...I think that some personal one on one therapy would do you great. just so you can work through all of the tribulations and trials you have endured. two...keep some things close to your vest...all of your background does not need to come pouring out the moment you meet someone. save something for when you trust these "new" friends more. Best of luck!

N.,
I'm sorry you are feeling so lonely and lost right now. I agree with the others that I think you'd be very interesting to talk with. To me, it sounds like you're depressed. (My mom became very depressed when she retired.) I think it wouldn't hurt to go see your doctor to discuss your situation. Many people take antidepressants at some time in their lives to help get through rough spots. Maybe you need a little help getting "over this hump" - meds could help you feel more like getting out and interacting with others. You could then stop the meds once you were back to yourself.
Good luck. Please let us know what happens. God bless!

I have never fit in anywhere either. I do not seem to fit in people's stereotypes of how I should behave. It bothered me for several years but I got over it. I stopped trying to conform to what others thought I should be and really focused on who I thought I should be. I started paying attention to who I encountered. Then I thought about my perception. Do I really care what this person thinks? Are they the type of friend I would want? What characteristics do they have that I admire and should I try to emulate those characteristics? The hardest question of all was... why should they want to be my friend? When I took a look at the person I was portraying, it wasn't pretty. I wouldn't want to be my friend! I did a lot of soul searching and praying. I made some changes and still have some flaws I am working on. In the end, I have a handful of very close friends and several acquaintances that will show up to a party. I have a very good level of communication with my husband. I take criticism well and often ask his opinion of my behavior. He is very honest with me. It has helped me to not be so direct and honest with people who really aren't prepared for it. For example, I am not good at reading between the lines so when my friend asked what I thought of her new dress, I told her it made her butt look huge. Evidently she was asking about the color. Not everyone sees things the same. I would want to know if my butt looked huge in a dress. I tend to ask people more questions now. In this case, I have learned to ask exactly what are they asking me before I give my full opinion. I still give my honest opinion and find that most people welcome it. Unfortunately, it has taken me a long time to figure out tact.

So my suggestion for you... figure out who you are and what really interests you. If you know others who are interested in the same things, tell them and start asking questions about the subject. Like I discovered I really enjoy gardening. I know some people, which I didn't quite care for, and asked them questions. They told me about groups and websites which I checked out. I found several friends to talk to about gardening because of it. It is not hard to talk to someone when you have a common subject. The hardest part is to figure out who you are and be brutal with your observations. I wrote mine down. I started with a list of characteristics I admired or would want to have in a friend. Then I wrote a list of what characteristics I portrayed. Then I compared the two. SCARY! I asked my husband's opinion on my lists for a bit of a reality check. We can be much more harsh when criticizing ourselves. It was difficult but helped. Then read some books on how to interact with others. Dale Carnegie's book 'How to win friends and influence people' helped me to really see myself and who I want to be. I gathered lots of information and took action. Stand up and take action and do not compromise yourself or your beliefs to make others happy. It is a delicate balance but it is possible. One final thought... I don't know who said it but this is a quote that has helped me. "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind". Good luck and I hope this helps.

hi N.,
you might try 'backing into' it. rather than look for people or a church who will accept you despite your wild (and therefore fascinating!) past, i'd look for activities and groups that are involved with something you love. if you go into something ready to act, help, DO, the energy you project will be subtly but substantially different from 'i'm really dying to make a friend.' and people will gravitate to you.
i totally agree with the poster who suggested that you let friendships grow organically, don't share everything about yourself right out of the gate. friendships are fun to uncover layer by layer. allow people to fall in love with your essence, your totality, before letting them share more intimate details.
focus on the point of the group, volunteer organization or club, not on the people there. find a church that you love because of its atmosphere and creed, not in hopes of finding a friend.
when you're doing things that are important to YOU, you will attract like-minded souls without actively seeking to do so.
get busy!
:) khairete
S.

Dear N., You may want to try networking. It is a great way to meet all different kinds of people. A good group to start with is On Purpose Networking for Women - google to find the chapter closest to you. I can also send you some other info, if you are open to sharing your email address with me. I do a lot of self-development, which can be helpful in relating to others. God Bless, good luck, & take care! N. B.
____@____.com

N., i think you were so brave to run away from the cult, if only some people could be as brave as you. It's a really good thing to be able to stand up for your self and have a voice.

Have you ever tried to let go of that side of yourself? You need to hold your head up high (not too high) but with confidence and a smile. Make your self welcoming. I noticed if you give a little you will get a little and before you know it people will open up. Little compliments go a long way.

I moved to this snotty city 10 years ago as a nanny. I grew up broke in a lower middle class family and I became a nanny for some high powered lawyers and doctors. I clearly did not fit in.
I was a target of a ton of gossip when I married a well known business man in the area. I really was uncomfortable for years, until I said to myself that I was not going to be intimated by these people. I made myself known. I through parties, I had small dinner parties with people I thought would fit in with one another. I made small efforts and it payed off.
I don't share my life with just anyone, once I get to know them I share. The real people who think you are something will respect your past life. Some people don't know how to respond, because they can't think out of the "box."

Hang in there N..

First off, congratulations for overcoming those things in your past, and congratulations on being in a place now that seems to make you happy. I can understand feeling lonely (to an extent), as we are military. We lived in Alaska for 4 years, and it was really hard for me to make any friends in that area. What places have you volunteered? I am just curious if it is also within a church setting. No offense to others, but throughout my experience (I attended the mormon church for 6 years)- a lot of people within churches tend to be judgemental towards you if you are even the slightest different from them. (Again, I don't want any enemies, that has been my experience). The only thought I have, is to attend a church that makes you comfortable so that you can get what you need from it, the spiritual messages. And if you aren't "accepted" enough to created friendships- how about joining a group of people or volunteering in something outside of a church setting? I am sure that in your area through some organization, there are senior groups that meet together, or even look at something more towards a hobby (such as knitting, crocheting, bowling, reading books), and join a group in your community (book club, knitters club, bowling league). My mother volunteered at a bingo thing for a long time- bingo nights sounded to be quite a social time as well. I am also wondering if you are at all self concious about your past and people knowing about it? I can't imagine that people just getting to know you are aware of all of this by looking at you. There is no harm in keeping some things to yourself until you get to know someone better, and feel that sharing more personal things about yourself will come across acceptingly. Hang in there! You sound like a religious person, so say a few prayers too, and I'm sure the friend you are in need of will pop up in the most unexpected way.
K.

N.,

You sound like a very nice lady who has (up until a few years ago) had a HORRIBLE life. Thank God that you have survived and been able to move on. Thank God that you now have a wonderful husband by your side. My heart goes out to you for the things that you have endured.

You said you have tried different churches but you think people are afraid of you because of the cult. How do people know you were in a cult? Do you tell them or does your appearance "say" former cult member? I do not intend to sound mean so I hope none of this comes across that way.
Do you talk a lot about the cult and it's influences on your life to people you do not know well? If so - maybe you could try this. Find a church you have not been to - when you talk to people don't mention the cult. If people ask you where you lived before - just say the state or city - don't go into a lot of details that will lead to talk of the cult. Instead talk about your substitute teaching, your own pre-school and the other activities that you have done that have NOTHING to do with the cult. Try to get into volunteering in SMALL steps - try the nursery at church for one Sunday a month or helping with Children's Church or Bible School. Try volunteering to help the pastor with bulletins or something. Join the choir. Don't try to be a leader at first - let people get to know you by you assisting them. Make cookies for bake sales or other fund raisers at the church. Join the Booster Club at your local high school and attend some sporting events/ volunteer to work in the food service areas at the sporting events. Once people get to know you well - and are more comfortable with you - you may want to share your former life with them (but it is really none of their business). However, if you are able to join the church, make friends, gradually work your way into more social situations - you could VERY WELL become a HUGE ASSET to your community. You have experienced things that parents WARN thier children about. Eventually, you might be able to go to the local middle and high schools and speak of your experiences to let kids and their parents know the true dangers of a cult life and how glad you are that you escaped that life. You have experiences that could teach some very valuable life lessons to so many people. Just don't try to push those experiences on people too fast.

One last thing, have you looked on-line for support groups?
If you can find people that have survived similiar situations - these people may accept you easier.

I wish you the best of luck and would love to hear back from you.
A.

We have a scrapbook store near us that has been awesome with creating friendships and helping people. I go there just to get away from time to time, and the staff is unbelievable!!! ScrapMania! (in Hagerstown, MD) truly is awesome. I have seen all kinds of friendships form, not only for myself, but among the other customers just by taking a few classes, going to a couple crops, or just stopping by for the Make and Takes once a week!!! Maybe just getting into a hobby that you like, would open a door or two for you.

Well I am not scared of your past. My name is Stephanie and I want you to know about an incredible church I attend. Most of us have very interesting pasts and we are all different colors ages and backgrounds. You should not feel like an outcast because of what other people did to you. Please dont give up come give our church a shot I guarantee you wont regret it. The address is 9508 Chesapeake st. Norfolk 23503. We have services Sun. at 10am and 6pm ,Tue. is prayer meeting at 7pm and Thurs. we have mid-week service at 730pm. You can call any of these numbers for directions, questions, or a ride :
###-###-#### that is my number
###-###-#### this is Bekah the youth pastors wife and pastors daughter
or ###-###-#### that is the church number.
I really hope to see you soon.

Be yourself! Try not to be so forthcoming with the details of your past. People are quick to judge, so let them get to know YOU (not your past) BEFORE you offer this part of you. Also, examine how you believe "society" expects you to be. I would also suggest counseling. You have had more than your fair share of tramatic events in your lifetime and unless you can truly deal with them, you will have a hard time moving on and feeling comfortable in your own skin. Good luck.

Hi N.,
It sounds as though you haven't gotten away from people who know your past. Can you travel to another community to volunteer-at a hospital, health center, library, Meals on Wheels, etc?

What about a class for fun at a local college or high school-maybe outside your town?

Have you thought about getting a penpal from a special interest group that appeals to you? That can be very satisfying if you enjoy sharing experiences.

Good luck.
A.

HI!
Whew- sounds like you have been through a lot!! So glad you are doing well now and have a good husband! It is tough to find connections at our stage of life.
I am over 50 -- came to the area with military husband. What part of Chesapeake do you live in? I'm in Western Branch and have some groups that you might be interested in. One is Bunko in the neighborhood. Others are at church. Tell me a little more about your interests.

the rec centers here in hampton roads have senior groups that met on tuesday mornings and do activities together. maybe you can meet some people you have something in common with there and at least have some fun on tuesdays.

wow. I will definitely keep you in my prayers. I can't imagine what your life must have been like thus far! I DO know, though, that I have never been to a church that "demands" a testimony! Try a Nazarene church. Very similar to Methodist in beliefs, and very friendly people. I would recommend my church (also Nazarene), but I live in southwest VA! Much love and prayers to you! I hope that you can find your place. God has a place for you! Maybe it is to help someone else in a similar situation. Keep praying and seeking! *hugs*

N., I'm so sorry that it's been so hard for you to be able to connect with others. Feel free to email me and I will be glad to meet up with you.

Hugs,

J. Z.
Independent Shaklee Distributor
I'm giving away money ... want some?
www.shaklee.net/Z.

Perhaps a life coach could be helpful for your situation... Just a thought.

Hi N.,

I can relate to some of your situations. I don't know where you live but you can get on line and find a Al-Anon Family Group in the city where you live.

Al-Anon is for family and friends of alcoholics. We are affected by the Disease of Addiction even though we do not drink or drug.

The web site is: www.al-anon.alateen.org

If you live in the Tidewater Area of Virginia, call me:

###-###-#### and I can help you find a support group locally.

Good luck. Hope this helps. D.

The Newcomer's Club is a great place to meet new people. They have activities you can join and the people are very very nice. Look up the Newcomer's Club in your area.

If you like to read, consider your local library's book club. Our library even has a scrabble group that meets on Mondays. The people are very sweet and very open. I think it is just a matter of finding the right group.

I cannot imagine people being afraid of you because you escaped from a cult. I think people would find you very interesting and would be happy that you escaped.

Good luck!

N., you and I live in the same area. My church, Holy Trinity Catholic church in Glen Burnie is very open and welcoming. Their web site is http://www.holytrinitycc.org . We have lots of outreach and service groups.

I also suggest groups that are oriented towards any of your hobbies or interests. Or try volunteering at a charity or school. I agree that telling others of your past is not important. You are who you are at this moment in your life and you are no longer that woman who was the victim. Think of yourself as a survivor and not a victim, and move on.

My other thought is that to have a friend, you first have to be a friend. Helping others forms a bond between them and you, and helps start that friendship.

You have a lot of good qualities, and also a lot of good advice. Hope your life becomes filled with friends!

Where are you located? I am in Edgewood, MD (Harford County)Our church is called Fountain of Life Fellowship Church. Your story is one I have only seen in the movies. You have truly touched my heart. I do not know what it is like to be in your shoes however God knows your every thought. I would encourage you to continue to pray that He would lead you to a church that will fill you spiritually. There may be some senior ministries local to you that gather regularly for fellowship. The key is that you are actively seeking, first God and He will give you the desires of your heart. Stay encouraged and continue day by day. I will remember you in my prayers. Keep in touch.

Don't let your past define who you are today. Put the past where it belongs, in the past, and although you'll never forget it, grow forward. If you tell people about your past right away that is the way they see you and are uncomfortable around you not knowing what to say and what not to say. Let them get to know the 'you' of today before you bring up the past. I get the strong feeling there is a little fear in you still about letting go totally of your past and it's bogging down your ability to "fit in" today. Each day make a conscious effort not to bring up, or refer to, the past and as the days pass it will get easier. God bless and I'll be praying for you! P. A.

Just try to be yourself. Maybe don't let them know that you were in a cult until you have formed a bond with them. I think that letting people know about the cult will just scare them off. Let them know that person that you are now not what you use to be and the people will start opening up.

Good luck

I imagine that your past has a great deal to do with the insecurities you have today. It sounds like you have had a very difficult life. However, your past doesn't have to determine your future. I don't know how much of your past you tell people up front, but maybe you are scaring people off with all of this information and they don't know how to approach you. Obviously you must have some wonderful characteristics to have found a wonderful new husband. What characteristics drew him to you? Maybe start with this. You also have a strong back ground with kids. Let people see how you interact with children and all that you have to offer and it will help people to find more in common with you.

It sounds like your self esteem has taken quite a beating. Some counseling may help as well to help you discover all the great things that you have to offer and how to best approach the subject of your past with new people you meet. I would try talking to the pastor of the church you are currently attending or the one who married you and your husband. Often, they can suggest a place that you can use your talents within the church and let others see these great characteristics in you. They can also help you in your personal faith journey. Sometimes we think we are not worthy of their time, but that is what they are there for! There are lots of folks out there who can help! Look at all the great advise you have already gotten here!

Best of luck to you N.! I will keep you in my prayers!

Hello N.,
Have you tried to locate a support group for ex cult members? Maybe you just need to be around some people who can really relate to you and your past experiences? People tend to be affraid of things they are unfamiliar with. I personally would not tell everyone right off the bat that you are an ex cult member, but slowly get to know people and little by little inform friends of your past experiences. Most likely people are probably just not sure how to be a supportive friend. But that does not mean you can not relate to have a healthy friendships with other people. And they can also learn alot from you as well. Don't give up. Just stay positive.

K. 33 yr old working mother of 2

Hi N.,
It is awesome to hear you have escaped a life of virtual imprisonment. I am also glad to learn you are reaching out spiritually. It sounds like you haven't found the right church yet, one that understand modern issues yet is firmly grounded in His Word, worship and prayer.

I'd like to invite you to my church, New Life Providence. We are a transethic church. We welcome everyone regardless of color, age or background. There are muliple locations. I go to the campus in Norfolk (because I live in Norfolk) but also enjoy the VA Beach campus in Kempsville.

If you and your husband are interested, please contact me through this system. I can provide you more detail. I can also meet you at either church campus if you would like to visit. The fellowship and ministry of this church has changed my life these past two years. I know it can do the same for you.

1st - what a strong woman you are for changing your life!! I've had LOTS of things go on in my life that I now just call drama. I went to workshops, OA, therapists and church - each gave me a little bit more recovery from the "drama". We are shaped by the lives we've lived and the lessons we've learned - but we are NOT those things that happened to us. So know those events helped you to be who you are now - but you need not tell those tales to all that you meet. It can be really overwhilming for people who have not had to deal with such things in their own lives. I've always looked at my own stuff as a way to harness my strength and then be of support to others - they don't need to know my story and understand it to be my friend. That part comes much later - once you discern if someone is worthy of knowing your deepest, darkest. It sounds like there is still healing that needs to take place - any of the measures I described earlier will lead you there. Just choose which speaks to you. I had to purge my story to professionals for a while before I was done telling it. But I finally stopped re telling it to friends and family cos they can only take so much. A professional can put a clinical eye on it and not hurt for you emotionally while helping you. Be Well and Blessings on your journey, S.

Blessed be the Migty one has blessed you with only the cards you could hold N. hon. i know how you feel as far as the family life goes hon. i have been married for 7 yrs and together with my husband for 8 total. I was never allowed to leave my home other then for school and if i was taking kids to play. I never got to do more then that and to this day i tell my father that he was the one that 'fostered' this behavoir over me wit my abusive step mother of 10 yrs.
At 18, i was told i was an adult adn that i could make my own choices. I did at 19 marry and tat to this day doesn't sit well with ANY of my family and ihave 3 beautiful children that they'd rather not ask of ot talk to.
As for the cult life hon, please let it go. that time of your life is gone for ever ........ and you will again see your precious baby. Open your mind and spul to the Higer power. he and only he can soothe you .. your hisband isagrat person to open up to as well hon adn please do talk with him on this //
hugs and sage prayers to you adn yours.
S.

N.,
I agree with Megan C. When I read your letter the first thought I had was, "Geez, write a book!" I also agree with her that there are incredibly wonderful and welcoming churches out there. Though I know it's probably too far for you, I attend an Episcopal church here in Manassas. They are so welcoming and accepting. Try different activities, too. I do local theater. Try that. We'd probably tell you to write a play. But theater people are very accepting and lots of fun. You don't have to act if you don't think you can, but shows are always looking for stage hands, or "techies" as we call them.