Back Talking 3 Year Old

Tell her *calmly* that we do not talk to other people that way, give her another way to say the same thing, like "you could say, "daddy I am not tired right now" then if she continues take something away she loves---because treating people that way will result in loosing things that she loves. tell her when she can talk like a big girl she can have it back. Do not make a discussion of it.
1 tell her thats not how we talk
2 what could she say
3 if she continues take something away

Stay calm or else you are lieing when you say we don't talk to people that way. Good luck, you are laying the ground work for how she will be when she is a teenager~! Another day, another challenge!

Don't ever ignore it. It is disrespectful and if you want her to stop, she must be told that talking back is always unacceptable behavior that will not be tolerated.

I find this very common to the age. Your child is learning to communicate when frustrated, just as she has been learning to communicate all her life. Kids most often "talk back" or "get fresh" when they don't want to do something. Those terms (talking back, fresh, etc) don't make any sense to them and now that they are struggling to be independent and verbal a lot of frustrations come their way.
I had to explain to my 3 year old several times what was "talking back" and "being fresh". Too often we expect children to just know what that means and why it's not good. I'd have conversations right in the moment it was happening: I understand you don't want to go to bed. But I'm the mom and I'm in charge. Children do not tell their parents what to do. I am telling you to stop this behavior and get to bed. When you tell me to stop you are talking back and that's not ok, etc. OR when you speak to me in that tone you are being fresh and that is not good manners.
Some kids need more explanation than others - with some more talking about it upsets them more than before. It's good to not only discuss this in the moment but also to go over it during other more neutral times during the day. Sometimes ignoring helps when the situation warrants it, but if children are never instructed on what they are supposed to do and say when they don't want to do something, then they will continue poor social habits and it can be very confusing to them when the same rules don't apply to adults as they do to them.
If she likes books, there are a lot of picture books that discuss these kinds of issues - just ask your librarian. Good luck!

This is a tough one - but I don't personally feel your hubby is good for walking away. He needs to tell her that is not acceptable to talk that way to mommy and daddy.

My mother in law always tells me you never know what you sound like until you hear your kids talk! It's so true!!

I'll be interested to see what others write - my 4 and 5 year olds are quite sassy at times and I find myself struggling also - you're not alone!!

J.

Hi D.:

Let me get straight to the point. When she talks back, look her straight in the eye and say "Listen to your parents" and be sure you say it with authority.

No need to yell or threaten - she will get the picture.

If she asks you why she should listen and she will, tell her that you guys know whats best for her and that you love her. Further, little girls that don't listen to their parents may get into trouble.

But it must be said with authority. Because if she's talking back now Jerry Springer may be calling you for an appearance on his show. And we wouldn't want that now would we.

About me: Married, works full-time, 2 girls 10 and 4.

I wouldn't ignore it. If she just turned 3, she's testing this out and if you don't immediately tell her that it's unacceptable and then hand out some kind of consequences, each and every time consistently, she will keep doing it. Sometimes at this age, kids think that they can speak to you in the way that you speak to them, and you need to firmly and consistently teach respect. But it's also important that while you are maintaining that line between adult and child, that you speak in a respectful way to them. Telling a 3 year old to knock it off (tempting as it may be) is not teaching them how to speak politely or respectfully to others. Kids also pick up on how the parents speak to each other around the house (this is the reason why hubby and myself never had to teach our kids to say please and thank you) so be sure that you and hubby are setting a good example.

I think Nicole is on the right track, Is your daughter hearing you and your husband pick on eachother? My husband and I do this stuff all the time. They try to mimic us even though they don't know how to sound like they are joking. She is now trying to be more like Mommy and Daddy. This is a tough time. You and hubby have to be more mindful of your everyday casual antics too, remember they are little mynah birds right now. I think this must be where the idea of the 3 monkeys comes in. See no evil, Hear no evil, Speak no evil. It must come in that order, as if we see good and hear good as a child, we are bound to speak good. Happy Mommying.

Obviously even just ignoring it isn't solving the problem either. When our boys kept getting out of bed to leave their room, we would tell them if they got out and it was not an emergency or they actually had to use the bathroom, they got "x" taken away. And then we did that.

Every time she back talks I would tell her that we don't respond to that. If she doesn't correct it, she goes to her room. If my sons refuse to go to their room, they get one swat with a switch. At 3, your daughter is absolutely not too young to have the same thing. Back talking is disrespectful and if you don't get control of it now, you are going to be asking for a world of trouble when she gets older.

The thing is, you have to be calm about it. You can't discipline out of anger. If you are that frustrated, they you need to take her to her room until you can be calm. That is how people get out of control with their children by letting anger and frustration take over. Yes, I still get frustrated but the moments are rare or usually with their dad vs. them. LOL

My children are very good. They have manners and yes they test me, but knowing that if they don't listen there are going to be consequences they stop. Your daughter is absolutely at an age where when you tell her to do something, sure she might need some guidance or reminding but she should not be back talking or sassing you.

I see you have another child on the way so I highly suggest you get some control over her now before you have a newborn in the house. Not saying she would do it on purpose but if she doesn't respect the limits you give her or it takes tons of repeating to get her to do something you tell her, that might be enough time that she ends up hurting the baby just because she wasn't listening. Accidents happen.

If you want to talk privately about what we do, I would be happy to talk with you. ____@____.com

L.

First of all I believe at three years old she should be in some type of daycare, even for half a day if it's affordable for you. This would give you a chance to get some rest since you are expecting a second child. I don't know your form of punishment but she should be punished when she speaks back, one day she will embarass you in front of people, and children should be obedient to their parents.

You must be consistent and on top of it at all times. Though this is such a normal phase, if you don;t stop it know can you imagine when she is a teenager? I would do this about the talking back situation: if she does it tell her that those are not nice words and good girls don;t use them and if she does it again she will be in time out. I can promise that she will to it simply to call your bluff--probably several times. YOU MUST FOLLOW THROUGH EVERY TIME!!!!! I can also promise that within a week or so you will see an improvement--not to say that she won;t do it again. if she does, you know what to do!
As far as the bedtime power struggle. make sure that potty time is part of your pre-bedtime routine. then put her in her bed and leave her. I would also set up a reward chart for her successful nights--with a little reward every successful night and striving for a big treat after a certain # of successful nights. They don;t have to be in a row because it will be rocky at first and you don;t want her to get discouraged. with my children, I have told them if I don't have to come back in after they go to bed, they will wake up with two new stickers. If they are successful, before I go to bed, I put a sticker on both hands so they see it right away when they wake up. The big treat was a trip to the dollar store--woohoo!

D.,
I know its frustrating because I have a almost three year old. She has been alittle mouthy but I just look at her and she knows but of course that was started a long time ago. When she gets to the point where she talks back or just isn't listening I threat to throw away the favorite toy of the week. And I do follow through if she does not listen her toy will go in the garbage or put away until she learns how to behave. and that works cause she old enough to realize what she likes and doesnt. if she is real bad she gets a extended time out and that was the advise given to me. I posted about this not too long ago. I have been following through and such a big difference

It sounds like she is just mirroring what she hears, I wouldn't interpret it as a lack of respect. Model the kind of speech you want to hear from her and make sure your husband does too.

My 3 year olds bad habit is whining and fake crying. To put an end to it, I use time out. For one day, each time he does it, he ends up spending three minutes in time out. By the time the day is half way over, he has stopped whining. Every few weeks, I have to go through this again because he forgets. It works great for me. Perhaps you can tell your daughter that that type of talk is not appropriate and place her in timeout when she does it. It's a stage she is going through and exploring. She probably doesn't understand exactly what she is doing, so stick to your guns, and she'll figure it out. Good luck.

Well first she is just repeating what you are saying to her. Yes she is trying to put off going to sleep.
All three of my kids have had sleeping issues at different times.
I would start with bedtime rituals. Like put the pjs on first, go potty wash hands etc.
Children crave consistency. If you have to put a gate up on her doorway then put the gate up. She needs her sleep and you need a break at the end of the day. Be consistent. She will probably scream for at least 2 nights. Just be strong. You are in charge not her. You are the parent. I know its not easy but in the long run you are doing right by her. Also giving yourself some peace.

As far as the respect. Only talk to her what you want said back to you. Speak kindly but with discipline.
Point out something that she is doing great..like being gentle with her baby brother or putting her toys away.

As far as saying she has to go potty when she doesn't. That one is tough. I recently came up with a solution with my youngest. I ignore it..if I have already taken her to the bathroom before she went to bed she doesn't need to go. Also when kids are first learning to hold going to the bathroom. Somtime the feeling is like they have to go the bathroom at that moment. Hang in there. Denise

Hi D., I know where you are coming from. My 5 year old grand daughter back talks to me. Most important is how "we" speak to our children because we are their first teachers. They think what we do is OK. Notice if you ever use bad language, it comes back at you at another time. I not only have raised 5 but now have 3 grands. Not easy, but important job. Problem for me is I do not know how mom and dad are speaking but I have a good idea. Anyway, talking back is not acceptable but very much a part of growing up. We only get respect by giving it. They are little people. I know how hard it is to keep patience. My best, Grandma Mary

Hi D.,
Maybe you shouldn't ignore her like your husband did. maybe it's time to start having some consequences. Like, "that kind of back talk is NOT acceptable. If you back talk to me one more time, we are NOT going to the playground tomorrow. Do you understand? Do you want to go to the playground tomorrow? Yes? Okay. Then no more back talk. Okay, no let's say sorry. Hugs and kisses and good night." Then you MUST follow through. I think that maybe since you're ignoring it, she's pushing to see how far she can go with it. I do believe in ignoring undesirable behavior, but I think there is a time for that...and there is a time to teach your children their boundaries and what the consequences are. Just keep in mind, if/when you do this, YOU cannot be upset. You must deliver the communication, calm and collected. If she sees you're all worked up then it's all for not. She needs to see you in control of your emotions. Good luck!!

I think your husband has the right idea to ignore it. She probably loves the attention she is getting and wants to engage you in some type of an argument. However if you are in public and she does talk back i would provide consequences. I would first warn her that her backtalk is unacceptable and then present the consequence (if you do this again we will leave and you will have to go home) and then follow through. Remember pick your battles but never loose. Consistancy is the name of the game. She will eventually learn that her backtalk holds consequences she does not like.

Good luck and stay strong

I agree 100 % with Kate--kids need to be taught how to deal with their emotions and frustrations in an appropriate way. They mimic us, so we as parents need to constantly be on our guard to speak to them in the way we want them to speak to others. But they also need to be taught what exactly they said/did that was unacceptable, and then taught the appropriate way to handle the situation. If my daughters talk back, I might say something like: We don't talk in that tone of voice. I can tell you're upset. Rather than say ......., please use your words to explain why you're upset.

When she talks back tell her that that is not a nice way to talk to your mommy/daddy. If the situation allows, definitely give her a 3-minute time out, and at the end of the time out, ask her to tell you WHY she was in time out and what she has to do so she won't get one again.

The bedtime routine doesn't allow for time outs, they are already delaying going to sleep. Try to set up a routine and stick to it, with her going potty as one of the last steps before bed. If she uses other delay tactics like having a drink of water, incorporate those as well. The potty excuse is such a hard one to ignore at that age because they've just become potty trained and you don't want them to have an accident and/or regress. They know this on some level and that's why they use it! My daughter is 5 and she still tries to delay going to bed - the later it is, the more delay tactics she'll use. She likes to go to bed with her light on and door open. I usually allow her one call out to me and when I go in I tell her, if you call me again I'm closing your door, on days she does that, when I go back in I tell her, you know what comes next, right? And she knows that it's lights out.

Good luck! Also, I noticed one of the other mamas mentioned maybe putting her in daycare for parts of a couple of days. This may be something you want to look into (although they learn bad behavior there too), but if you do it, you might want to get her started before you have your second child so that she doesn't think you sent her away to replace her with the new one.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but my kids asked me this once and put it into perspective. They wanted to know if it was ok for us to say something, why wasn't it ok for them to say it. (They heard my husband calling our neighbor and idiot under his breath). We owned up and said that it wasn't ok for either of us to say it. In other words if it's not ok for her to say Knock it off, it's not ok for you to say it either. But other times when our kids say stuff they did not learn from us we don't raise our voice, but use a sharp tone and tell them they cannot speak to us that way, if they do they will go to their room because they cannot be around us and talk like that. That might be hard to do at night, however, she gets what she wants when someone follow her into the bathroom. IF she won't go before bed when youare with her, afterwards she gets to be on her own...it minimizes the reward of your time and attention. For the most part,my kids don't talk back alot...and I figure some means they are on the scope of normal. Hope this helps.

In my opinion, your husband is doing the right thing. You should walk away. She is getting the attention she wants with your arguing with her. Try your husband's method of 'no answer" for a few days. I think if will make a difference. Good luck!!!

Hey D.,

Was your daughter always like this?? or did it just start. Does your daughter know about her baby brother or sister yet? Part of her acting up may be due to the fact that you are having another child and she realizes this and is trying to get you attention. Kids are smart and at 3 emotions play a big part. Time outs work if you are consistent. For this little one maybe redirecting her would work?.. routine is a big key factor with children this age. If she won't go to bed , have her look at a book 1 book and then have her go to bed. The mirroring (copying what you say) definitely should change. Respect works both ways respect her she'll respect you. Tone of voice and eye contact works with this age too. I have also heard that the terrible 2's is now the terrible 3's so it could be just a phase and she'll grow out of it. Congrats on your expanding family!

I know what you're going through and have the same problem and he gets a warning. I tell him to do something and if he deosn't, I tell him what the consequence of not doing what he's supposed to be doing. Then he has the choice. If he gets snotty, I look him in the eye and say, "You do not talk that way to me" and in my opinion, your husband shouldn't say, "knock it off" he should and you too, tell her what the consequence will be when not doing what you tell her to do. Then you HAVETO follow through with what you say. Another thing, I don't believe you ignore her sarcasm. You want to nip in the bud, then you tell her what the consequence will be. Snottiness, I talk to my son and look directly in his eyes and on his level. If he doesn't and gets bad, like throw a tantrum and screams, spanking is called for and he knew it was going to happen because I told him and he didn't listen and did it anyways. He had the choice. Give her the choice and follow through with it. Make sure you reward her when she makes the right choice. Ignoring such thing, just gets worst and by the time they are teens, forget it. Hope all goes well with you and your family and pray for you.

I suggest teaching her to go to bed when she is fresh or naughty,

I send my boys to their beds, and set the timer, when the timer is over they can come out, However you can only use the timer AFTER they stop crying, screaming or fussing.

2 minutes 2 years old
3 minutes 3 year olds
4 minutes 4 years old

Ect...

I works great for lots of things.

I in my opinion its ok for your kid to be angry and voice an opinion, she doesn't have to like what your saying, she just has to listen.and do as you say.

Teaching your child she can't defend herself is wrong, because in her little life there will be times when she will have to feel comfortable telling you her version of the truth.

And believe me, school is a scary place for a child whom doesn't feel like she can tell a teacher NO,

On the other hand you want her to treat you respectfully, and talk kindly to you ,, MOM this has to come from you an dad,
if you don't explain things patiently your daughter in kind will also respond IMPATIENTLY.

So if you expect certain behaviors, show her how to respond, by responding in that like manner.

Otherwise you will just keep matching wits with your 3 year old.!

Good luck
Hope this helps

M
Mother of 3 boys

When she does it again explain to her that it is not ok for her to talk to you that way and if she does it again, put her in time out. I always use the age of my child as the length of the time out. I also make sure that when I am talking to my son about a behavio, that I get down on his level so we are eye to eye without it appearing that I am towering over him. It works very well.