He acts as if they are in bootcamp, he needs to figure out they are kids. I am just getting more and more frustrated each time. He says i only defend my 5 yr old son, its not true my son likes to play with his sisters. My son has no brothers ugh hello. Also it is ok for them to play in their rooms quietly when they wake up. He says when they sing they are loud ugh ok whatever, he says its so it wont bother me when i sleep in the am. No it does not bother me. It is christmans day and i cant handle this anymore. He says he wasnt like that as a child hahaha yea i guess he was worst. My son was playing with his siters lipstick, no he is not acting like a girl but what else is there? Im too frsutrated i dont know what to do.
Ps no my husband has no kids, my kids arent his.
But I also think about the therapy thing but all I hear is if we go there is no point all your gonna do is complain. Ugh sounds like a man :-( no he isn't millitary raised or in the millitary. But it is hard especially since my kids are my all and I told him that if he keeps like this my son might grow up to hate him. I will always defend my kids from everything that hurts them. And yes he says I undermine him in the way discipline should be. I don't believe in spanking. My mom used to hurt me and it won't happen with my babies. I know I sound a mess right now sorry and ty to all who have or will answer. Oh and it will be 2 yrs of marriage on the 12th of january
Well I thank everyone who gave a me a little insight. I sat down and we had a long talk when the kids went to sleep. We are going to go to counseling together than as a family. I really am greatful for moms who understand and can give some positive feedback on things it helps me push forward ty :-)
whenever my husband says he never did something when he was a kid, I call his mother and she sets him straight. Like when our daughter was learning to feed herself and he hated the mess. "My mom would never have let us do that!" so I called his mother and let her laugh at him. I'm not sure this would help in your situation.
well, if your husband feels that your son is doing "girl" things like playing with lipstick or whatever why don't you suggest that he (if he has done so already) start a boys sports team or something or get invloved as a father in some type of activities that involve boys and their fathers instead of complaining about it. That way he can see that the boy is playing with other boys and doing stuff that he thinks boys should do. That would be a more pro-active way to deal with the situation than complaining about it and possibly making your son self-concious about playing with his sisters!
Hi CAMI,
I don't feel like I have any conclusive "you should do this..." sort of answer, because the problems in your relationship seem very multifaceted.
Instead, I'll reiterate what other women have suggested: couples counseling. I will take a moment, though, and explain what a good counselor does and does not do:
A good counselor Does listen to both parties. A good counselor Does Not blame ONE party entirely or the other: it takes two to tango.
A good counselor Does empathize with the feelings of both parties (unless there is a serious impediment to this; as would be the case if one party or the other had some anti-social personality disorders); while the good counselor does empathize with the feelings, he Does Not affirm those feelings being expressed in unhealthy ways or dangerous ways.
A good counselor Does understand that there is not one entirely 'Good' or 'Bad' party in the relationship. A good counselor Does Not promote this perception, because a good counselor knows that as situations change, we change too. No one person is better or worse than the other.
A good counselor Does try to find common ground for couples to come back to, ways to reconnect which can help to stabilize the foundation of the marriage (focusing on what's good) in order to strengthen it, so that it is stronger to support the work of changing those habits/patterns that are less healthy or desirable within the relationship. A good counselor Does Not pit couples against each other.
A good counselor Does understand that the level of commitment between the couple will likely be a bigger factor in how things play out over the long haul than any of those other factors we consider 'important'. This means sitting through some rough, teary or emotionally upsetting sessions as what is relevant to each of the parties is drawn out to light. (So often, we argue about the safe stuff of lesser consequence with our partners.) A good counselor Does Not stir up the emotions just to cause strife and discord.
The road to an open and honest relationship can be a challenge and a commitment. If your husband is dead set against couples counseling, do go to therapy/counseling yourself for support. This will help you feel stronger and more well-defined in how you consider your roles as wife, mother and woman. Over my lifetime, I've learned that before I try to 'fix' someone else, I have to look at myself, at my own part in my relationships, and see what I need to be right with my whole self when I'm stuck in a challenge like this. Beginning as a blended family requires a lot of great support, so if you explain that this would be great in helping to make your family stronger, perhaps he'd be more drawn in-- to participate as a partner in the family, and not just the sole source of your problems.
H.
I like Sara's answer for the "I wasn't like that" line.
How long have you been married? How was he with the kids before you married? Is this a surprise or were you thinking he would change when you got married? If he's willing to get into family counseling to learn how to be a father and part of the family unit, great. If not, you need to put your children first and do what needs to be done to give them a healthy family life.
I hate to sound all negative on Christmas, but I really think you should leave. You think you're going to change him? Even with therapy? Doubtful.
Your kids should come first. If you stay with him you will eventually lose your kids because they will resent you for letting them live in this messed up home.
.
There are parenting classes especially for blended families or for step-parents. I'd really recommend doing that.
Honestly, I think it's a mistake to have him disciplining them AT ALL. He is your partner. You are their parent. You not backing him up/undermining him should not be an issue because his only role, as their step-father, is to support YOUR PARENTING. He should enforce your rules and follow through on your consequences. If he IS doing this and you are still "protecting" your kids, then you need to be clearer (with him AND the kids) about what those rules and consequences are.
Good luck with this.
T.
Can you get him a DVD copy of Sound of Music and watch it together?
Baron Von Trap in the beginning of the movie could be his twin.
Talk with him about his childhood and how he related to his father.
He needs to make a connection with your kids.
Try family therapy if you can.
Find a local Dianetics center- they have an amazing course on having a a good marriage.
I am thinking that you need to have a guide to what is ok for everyone, and this will give you that. It will take some work and confront- are you up for it?
Best, k
If you want to stay married you have to go to counseling so you can both learn to compromise. A good therapist will teach you both good parenting, you'll be able to discipline more and he'll learn to recognize the important stuff. It will help you both but if he won't go then go by yourself. That way you'll know that you did whatever you could to save the marriage.
if these are his step kids- he might be feeling undermined if you are constantly not backing him up in discipline- especially in front of the kids. You two should sit down- alone- and write down how you both expect to raise your kids and what form of discipline and rewards you will have in place.
If your son needs more "boy stuff" then get him some more boy stuff- but I have 3(soon to be 4)boys and they have all gone through the stage when they liked to play with their sister's dolls or wanted their toenails painted or preferred the pink sparkly things to the plain blue ones. My oldest is 10 and now into Science experiments and building things, his younger brothers are leaning more towards dinosaurs and cars(although my 5 year old still likes the sparkly stuff)- it's a phase and he will pass out of it.
I have 1 brother and 5 sisters and I remember him playing barbies with us. He is now married, works construction, can re-build cars, does beautiful woodwork/carpentry and loves to target shoot.
Good luck- just sounds like you two need to communicate and support each other more.
~C.
Marriage counseling? Therapy?
Is he military? There are some family help options there.
How long have you been married?
Wondering whether your marriage
was based on very different expectations.
I hate to tell you this, but these are not his children and he has taken them on without the opportunity to even understand what any children are like, let alone yours. It is too bad this behavior did not rear its ugly head before you married him.
It sounds like you are like most mothers where their children are their world and no one is to step on them - not even your husband. I think you are in for a lot of trouble in the future with this man. I am sure you love him, but do you love him enough to forgive yourself or him for the problems your kids are going to have later due to the lack of love and understanding in their home the place that is supposed to be their safe place?
As parents, we all have to remember that no matter what we do, our kids will emulate us and our behavior, including the behavior of a step parent. If you do not want your son to act like him with his kids or your daughters to marry someone who acts like this? If not, then get out on their behalf!
Good luck, you are in a tough spot, I am sure you will make the right decisions for your babies.
