I Am Creating a Monster

I remind my children in a nice calm voice that they are always allowed to have their opinion and voice their choice of their clothes/hair but they MUST use nice words and if they give attitude or sassy tones I will again say "How do you tell someone what you want" and they almost every time re word or re say what they just asked. I also remind them they will NEVER demand for anything and I refuse to give them anything until they ask nicely for it.

Maybe start nicely talking with her and reminding her of her manners.

Good luck!

I think eight is old enough to decide how she wants her hair, within reason. You can make it clear to her that the fits are unacceptable, but it is her hair and if she can discuss it reasonably, you will be reasonable with her.

1) Don't give her hair styles she doesn't want. That's actually one valid reason for throwing a fit. She gets to wear her hair her way.

2) Stop buying her everything she wants!!! That is REALLY detrimental to her, in every way, and is going to create a lazy, entitled, unattractive person. I'm warning you, stop with the stuff!

I don't see a problem with her wanting her hair a certain way. My oldest is 4 and I let her pick her hairstyle. That's not a battle worth fighting.

However, you do need to stop trying to be her friend. You're her Mom and it's time to act like one. Kids NEED boundaries. They need rules. By throwing material things at her all the time, you're teaching her that love equals possessions. That's going to set her up for failure. Buying her things you can't afford is SO bad. I can't imagine. Stop it. NOW! It's going to be rough. And she's probably going to spend some time pitching the most unholy fits you've ever seen. She's probably going to say that she hates you. You can't give in. It's so important for kids to learn that instant gratification can't always happen. She needs to learn the value of saving for things. And I bet she'll value her possessions more if she doesn't get what she wants when she wants.

It is NEVER to late to turn it around. It is OKAY to say NO. You are her MOTHER!! NOT HER FRIEND!!! You are responsible for guiding her, teaching her right from wrong...you are NOT supposed to be her best friend. You ARE SUPPOSED to be her moral compass....

OH MY WORD!! Buying her stuff you can't afford?! NO FRICKING WAY!!! I would have your wallet in my hand if you were my spouse. I'm NOT going to let you spend us into oblivion to buy our child something that she "wants"...

DO NOT give in. No means NO! Let her throw a fit. YOU CAN change this.

Make her accountable for her actions.
Take away everything that is NOT "needed" and let her EARN IT back. If she wants something "new" make her EARN IT. She's 8 - she can EARN an allowance by WORKING around the house, taking out the trash, setting the table, picking up after the dog, separating the laundry out, pulling the laundry out of the dryer.

You need to sit down with her and tell her enough is enough. These are the rules. These are the consequences for the rules not being followed. These are the rewards for following the rules.

The problem with giving her everything she wants - she feels entitled to things she did not earn. She needs to learn the value of items...if she hasn't touched something in 6+ months - sell it at a garage sale, ebay, craigslist or donate it. In not setting boundaries you are hurting your daughter more than you are helping.

Stop trying to give her all the things you didn't have a kid. This is ABSOLUTE nonsense!!

Regarding the pig tails - pick your battles. That one is so not there it's not even funny.

Make her responsible for SOMETHING. ANYTHING. Consequences for actions - good or bad. She has to know the value of an item - tangible or not - that there are consequences both good and bad for any action. ...You MUST be firm.

YOU ARE HER MOTHER. Remember that. Stop trying to be her best friend and be her mother. Set rules. Boundaries. Limits. IT IS OKAY TO DO THIS!!!!

No means NO! No matter how many times she screams, cries, pitches a fit - NO MEANS NO!!!

I think you need to look at why you give in to everything and if it's meeting your ultimate goal of turning out a human being you can be proud of. Sometimes parenting isn't fun or easy but it leads to people who can do their own laundry, balance a checkbook and respect others. The time to be a friend is when they are out of your home. Sometimes being a parent means being disliked and if you aren't "so mean" sometimes, you aren't doing your job.

If you are spending money you don't have, is that really the best thing for the family or just the best thing for the moment? I think turning it around can be done, but you have to roll up your sleeves and do some hard work. You and your DH should be in it together. I'd start with basic expectations. Even my not-quite-three knows that if you don't want something, you say, "No, thank you" or "Momma, can I please have a pony tail instead?" She's not perfect by any means, but every fuss is a lesson. The lesson may be "Okay, if you don't pull up your hair it will be in your face all day."

I will also say that 8 is like a mini adolescence and can be a tough time in parenting. It is not the time to back off, though. Think about what 18 will look like if you let her steamroll you at 8.

I'm not suggesting she NEVER get a treat or you turn draconian on her, but think about reasonable expectations. Be polite. Ask, don't scream. Not giving a treat every time she want something. Leaving a store or restaurant if she acts up. Consequences for bad behavior. Pick a place to start - maybe picking treats that matter and skipping the ones that don't (leave yourself some money in the bank and something to give her for holidays). Or tell her that if she doesn't like how you do her hair anymore, she's on her own, but for special events, you must approve (my SD used to have really wild hair and if she didn't let us braid it, then she was on her own, but couldn't go to a wedding like that).

You and your DH should think about her future - and yours. Do you want to be bailing her out and dipping into your 401K long after she should be independent or do you want to be able to enjoy her company just for being her parents and not because she wants something? When days are hard, keep the long view.

Nope, not to late.

A LOT of us have over-indulged our kids to a certain extent and most of us have had to rein ourselves back in. It can be done.

I think you need to start slow and be firm but nice at the same time and start correcting the unwanted behavior EVERY time you see it...I mean it, it has to be EVERY time or it will be even harder to accomplish.

~Just a side note, IMO...I can see how she might not have been excited about the pig-tails at 8y/o mom! :)

NEVER GIVE UP MAMA!
Be her MOTHER, not her friend.

= )

Hi J.,

I echo the sentiments of all the other mamas, but wanted to also offer this practical advice for changing behavior. You're going to freak her out. I think it's all fine and good to go with the you are the mom just say no perspective, but in addition to the advice you got about thinking about what kind of person you want her to be, this is a great teaching moment to teach HER how to change HER behavior WITH you as you change YOUR behavior.

First - hubby's got to be on board or this can turn into a nightmare. I'll assume he is.

I would NOT start out with what I like to call the smackdown. The smackdown is for when someone gets out of control over the top and YOU haven't contributed. In this case, what's your goal? To change the behavior. Is your goal to create chaos and resentment? NO. Your goal? Change the behavior. You're dealing with an 8 year old not a 2 year old, so I would treat her like an 8 year old.

I would start out with the (validate/condition/explanation) style. I just made that up - it's not a real parenting philosophy. just what works with my kid.

So you're at the mall and she wants a shirt.
"Mom I want this shirt"
Validate
Yep - that is a cool shirt. it would look great on you.
"Can I have it?"
Condition
"This trip is not about purchasing clothes, so we will save clothes shopping for xxxxx".
"But I want this shirt"
Explain
"I know. It's a cool shirt. I think next time we go clothes shopping we will set a budget and then we can pick stuff out. If you like that shirt more than the others we see in the next (whenever it will be until you are planning to buy her more clothes... summer? so a month?) we can get that one"

Notice you said no. But not really. I mean you're going to buy her a shirt again at some point. She grew from last year. So, it's reasonable that she have some influence over what she picks out and can start learning how to make those choices for herself. You didn't just say no. You let her know under what circumstances she could have what she wants (not what she needs - you still provide that).

here's where it will get dicey. She'll either buy in or get mad. Probably get mad. If she starts to misbehave, just deal with her emotion without your emotion.

"I understand that you are upset......

what do you hope to accomplish by speaking in that tone?"
Is this really important enough for you to cry in public?"
Why do you think this shirt is important enough for you to have right this second?"

Then you have to decide how you handle it when she throws an 8 year old tantrum.

I also think while you are doing this now is a good time to assess what she CAN have control over. If you start giving her some leeway she will take a loss of control in other areas better if there is a clear diving line of what she does control. I don't buy my daughter anything that is not appropriate so she has FREE REIGN to wear whatever her little 10 year old heart desires and I keep my big fat mouth SHUT. We do have "Mom pick events" and she knows that - certain things where I dictate what she wears. And she's ok with that, cuz it's like 5 times a year. The rest of the days it's all her choice as long as it's weather appropriate (and even that is negotiable - it's 55 here today and she left the house wearing shorts - although she did have a sweatshirt with her. I turned on the weather channel and said 'why don't you find out the weather today'. She has the info..... her choice and her consequence).
IMO her body is hers. clothes, hair, nails - at 8 she should be learning how to make decisions about her body and how what she does with it affects how she feels about herself and how she is treated (ie my daughter will be laughed at during school for wearing shorts today. She probably will think about doing it again). You provide reason and thought process. Sure you can paint your nails black, why do you want to do that? How will that make you feel? Do you think that will impact how others treat you and if so, will that be in a good way or a bad way and does that even matter? etc etc etc.

Also, if you start to ask her questions - do you need it or want it? She will start to learn the difference. Right now she doesn't understand the difference, so you will have to teach her the difference.

I would also find her opportunities to 'earn' money. My daughter cleans my bathroom (yay me!!!!). And I mean clean... tub, toilet, floors, mirrors, wipes off the toothbrush holder. for $5. She can do it once a week provided her other 'stuff' is done (her room, homework, piano practiced). She earns money that is HERS. If she has enough and decides that's what she wants to spend her money on... then she can buy the shirt and work for more money.

Sorry so long.... I guess I can relate to your post so I found I had a lot to say!

Just my $0.02
B.

It's not too late, it's just going to be harder. Things that could have been nipped firmly once or twice at a younger age may take 30 times a piece now. You don't have to stop being good to your daughter. I'm a "very best friend" to my 5 year old daughter. But she does not run me or get away with bad behavior, and she doesn't get material things very often, and never "on demand". Get the book Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson-a loving grandmother close to all her adult children-and employ it. You'll have to be more diligent than if your daughter was 4 or 5, but it's important. My step sister had two sons ages 7 and 8 OFF THE RAILS with bad behavior after a bad divorce and a negligent MIA father. It took about 6 months of diligence from herself and her extended family to get them back on track. Not only are they super sweet well behaved boys now at 9 and 10, but they respect and love their mom and are "best friends" with her. They earn things they want and are not spoiled and are therefore HAPPY grateful kids. You can do it!

Not only will you have to say 'no' to her, but you'll have to dis-allow, and ENFORCE not having a bad attitude when you say no. Just saying "no" and sticking to it, but then letting her spin off into wild fits is going to make your life and her behavior worse. The attitude is the most important thing to nip. For instance, the pig tails were not important, but she should have had a very firm consequence for the fit.

Not too late just more difficult. I decided early on that I was the Mom not a friend. My daughter was talking about her friend's mom. I think Shannon was in 9th grade at the time. She asked me why I wasn't her friend. I told her that I was her mom and that I would be her friend when she was older but that right now she needed a mom more than a friend.

Fast forward, Shannon is now 22. We are friends. Its not that my job as mom is over, it never will be but we (her father and I) gave her the proper tools to be able to make good decisions and if she made a bad decision, she knew we were there to help her. That is what you need to do. Give your daughter the proper tools to make good decisions. Saying 'NO" is not a bad thing. My kids always said that was my favorite word!! :) So when I said "yes", they appreciated it more. Now, I'm not saying my kids are perfect, ha, no way. But I believe I have raise good members of our society.

Right now, you daughter needs you to be the Mom not the friend. Start now. No, no, no, no. It does get easier!!

You need to pull the emergency brakes on this train! LOL

You can redirect her behavior and responses but the change has to start with you first. Realizing that she is a "Brat" is a good first step. :)

First word to add to your lexicon is "NO". It is a simple one syllable utterance that can be incredibly hard to say when you have never used it. Practice it - literally stand in the mirror and practice saying "NO" in a firm, but gentle voice.

Next, you have to decide what boundaries you want to set. A monthly dollar limit on purchases for her? Chores around the house? Back talk and sass? You decide what you want her behavior to be.

Then sit down and have an open, honest discussion with your daughter about her behavior, responses, and sense of entitlement. Keep this in "me statements"...."Mommy thinks that it is time for you to learn the value of a dollar" "I know you are old enough to understand how a young lady behaves and I want to help you become a responsible young lady", etc.

Then present the new rules. In writing, with consequences for breaking the rules. Post them on the fridge, the bathroom mirror, anywhere, so both of you will have a visual reminder. Offer rewards along the way, but don't get too caught up in them...they should taper off as she models consistent good behavior.

The hard part comes next - sticking to it. It is hard to transition from friend to parent. It is hard to hear the tears and pleas of "unfair, why me?". But, in order for your daughter to grow into that responsible young lady that you envisioned her to be, you have to teach her to be one.

Enlist your husband in this "battle". He also needs to encourage your daughter, know the new rules, and support your plan.

Know that this will take time. That you both will have set backs along the way. But keep your eye on the goal.

My son, at almost 15, knows that he is spoiled - only child of a single parent. LOL But, he has learned along the way what "NO" means. He knows our household budget and understands that some things are simply not affordable. He knows that it takes both of us to maintain our home and care for our pets. As he ages I assign him more responsibilities - lawn care last year was a new one. We get along famously, have lots of fun together, but at the end of the day, I am the parent and he knows that I have final authority.

Good Luck
God Bless

IMHO love covers a multitude of parenting "sins." So no, it's not too late.

Love her unconditionally, but set good boundaries for her. Keep the rules few, but the ones that are there absolute.

It's not productive to beat yourself up over perceived mistakes. Just love her as much as you can, and be there for her as much as you can!

That's what has worked best for me.

My mom gave me something a few years ago it said "Forever my daughter and now too my friend" She was never my friend growing up and I learned lots from her in hind sight. She is an aewsome friend to me now and I can't image life without her and the friendship we share!
Good luck and keep trying, it is never too late for anything!

It's time to stop giving her everything she wants and come to terms what what she really needs.
She's not going to like hearing 'No'.
No one does.
But you have to ask yourself are you really doing her a big favor by telling her 'yes' all the time?
Being a parent means making the tough calls and doing what's best for the child whether they like it or not - it's not a popularity contest.
I tell my son he doesn't get presents except for his birthday and Christmas, but if he brings home a report card of straight A's, I'm inclined to say he's earned a small treat.
I'm flexible within reason.
You have to strike a balance.

.

I was going to write something, but I read Amy J's comments. She said it perfectly. AND, its a lot lot easier to change her behavior now, than if you wait 4 or so years.

The only thing I would add is to teach Yes maam and Yes sir, Please, Thank You and You're welcome.

Amy J's response is right on. So many of your responses are great. I was a parent, not a friend, to my children because that's what they needed when they were children. Now that they are adults circumstances have changed and now I'm their friend. Now I'm a grandpa to their kids. If I live long enough, I hope to be a friend when they are adults. There is a time and season for all things. Now you are a parent and therefore a teacher. When she is a responsible adult you can be a friend.

Good luck to you and yours.

If she didn't want pigtails why would you make an issue of it? Sounds like a power struggle more than "spoiling." Pick your battles, hair is not worth a fit first thing in the morning.

There is giving her everything she wants and being her friend (Problems), and letting her be her own person (good thing). Other moms have better ideas re turning this around cause I don't have experience. I just think when it comes to her making decisions/choices that aren't REALLY important to life/safety/etc. for YOU (like the hair - it's HER hair so let her chose the style), let her have the input and make the choices. Save your control for the important stuff. Good luck!

It is not too late to change. It will be difficult, but the sooner you start changing, the better. The longer we allow a behavior, the harder it is to change. Good luck mama! Stick to your guns and don't get discouraged. :)

Obviously we don't have the full story so it's difficult to comment on the fact that you say your child is a brat. However consistently giving her everything she wants is a shirt-tail sign that your daughter will eventually just expect you and your husband to give her what she wants because she has never been told or shown otherwise.
About the hair though she is 8 years old! I think that is a form of "independence" she is trying to express. I have twin daughters and there is one of the twins that absolutely refuses to allow me to touch her hair-she wants to do it herself and I let her. It doesn't always look the "best" lol! However she was the one that "fixed" it and "fixed" it the way that she wanted. Her hair always has to be a "certain" way as well as her clothes, shoes, socks, etc. The other twin could really honestly care less about all that stuff. She likes fixing herself up but usually she still likes for mom to help out and will even still ask me to. As some others have stated you need to pick your battles and I am a bit OCD and there are certain occassions I absolutely refuse to allow them to "fix" themselves. Such as pictures, attending a certain event, etc. but if it doesn't turn out like I wanted I have to step back and remember they are not "babies" anymore and want to be more independent.....as a parent that is what we should want from our children. I want my children to be independent so that when they become adults they are happy well adjusted self sufficient adults....but they always know they can count on mom to be there for them if they want me to be. It's a hard task to let go of our babies because we remember them as just that our babies but truly in the end we all want them to "grow" and become well adjusted adults. Allow your daughter more responsability and allow her to make those mistakes and allow her to be more independent even when you don't think she can-she might just prove you wrong ;())
You need to start implementing and being consistent in teaching her that she doesn't get everything she wants because when she gets into the real world and the first time someone tells her no (ex: boss refuses a promotion, raise, etc.) its going to be a huge disappointment to her and she just isn't going to understand it and it will be a huge slap in the face. Take her to some homeless shelters and show her just how "lucky" she is and to prove a point that not everyone has everything they want.......volunteer is the best thing for everyone involved. Getting involved with a church as well-it will show her things and open her eyes to what the real world can really be like. The real world doesn't have to be a scary thing though sometimes our decision affect the outcome and sometimes that has nothing to do with it. Good luck momma sometimes I feel as though my girls are "brats" too but when I look at the entire picture as well as feedback from teachers, peers, church members, etc. I know that at least for the most part I'm getting it half right. The way the display themselves in public is exactly the way I have "tried" to raise them-oh yes they have their moments as every kid/person does for you have to look at the bigger picture sometimes and more important lead by example and ensure you are consistent with things.

Like others have said, it's never too late to start. But start now, because the older they are, the more painful (for everyone involved) it will be. A behavior that takes 24 hours to end with a 1 yo, will take 6 months with a 3 yo.

You probably need to get used to the words, "I hate you!" An 8 yo doesn't really understand what hate is, she just knows it gets her what she wants.

Just keep in mind that the two worst things you can do to a child is to give them nothing, or give them everything. You might have to make every single thing she wants something she can earn with appropriate behavior.

Also, keep in mind that positive reinforcement is a great thing, but it means very little without the threat of a negative consequence (that is consistently followed-through with). Because that's how the real world works. Healthy self-esteem is totally different from the inflated egos this generation of parents have been raising.

Congratulations for recognizing that a change needs to be made. Good luck with it!!!!

Start doing everything the opposite of how you are now doing them!

Well its never to late to make to be a good parent. You are making the first step. Good job. I am proud of you. Its not going to be easy but in the end it will be worth it. Your family and friends will also appericate it. If she is a much as a brat as you say ...no one really enjoys being around some like that. Your daughter is just craving some type of consistency and discipline.
Make some basic rules. Just have a few dont go over board. Example make sure she keeps her room clean. Stay calm. It doesnt matter if she doesnt want to clean it this is her responibilty. She has to be respectful to others. Even if you say NO to her she still has to remember that you are the parent and you are in charge. Hang in there. You can do this. If you need some encourgment from me just send me a message and I will email you kind words.

I would let her decide the things she can, does her hair style really make a difference? My husband will get on my daughter for her side pony tails and all, but that's the style right now, so why not? It is not like she is out doing drugs! She is still her, and still has her hair - it's just in a pony tail to the side instead of the middle. I let my daughter (8 in June) pick the things she can. Most of her outfits, most of her shoes, most of her hair styles, etc. I figure it's not one of the fights I'm worth putting our relationship on the line for. Don't buy her EVERYTHING because you are setting her up for financial ruin. She needs to understand the value of a dollar. When we are saving for vacation and my kids ask if we can go out to eat, I ask them if they want to eat out now and do one less thing in Disney or if they want to go all out at Disney. They are always happy to eat at home. They know we don't use credit cards - and sometimes get confused when I pull out my check card :). But teaching them that if you don't NEED it, you don't always get it is a good thing.

It's never too late. In fact if there is a point where it becomes too late, my re-training/man training of my 14yr old step sons is pointless. But, take heart she's only 8. You have time. Step one, you are the parent. She doesn't get to tell you what to do, that's your job. I'm still working on this one. It's takes a while. Start now. Once you re establish that you are the parent, you make the rules, you enforce the rules, and you give real consequences for mis/bad behavior check back and we will move to step two. How living with less makes them want to do more. Good luck.

first of all I'm gonna echo what some of the other mama's have said, pick your battles and hair isn't worth it.
second, STOP GIVING IN.
It is ok for them to be upset. It's ok for them to cry. Don't give in.
The way we do it at our house, is my kids have to earn their allowance with chores and good behavior ,and then if they want to buy it with their allowance they are free to do that but I will not just buy them things anymore.