I have 4 children. I am a SAHM. My dilemma is this. Our girls have become very sassy. I have tried to discipline them several times. The problem is that Daddy has not followed through. When I have put them in their room for the evening for the rude and unappropriate behavior, they only get about 1 hour or so. My husband refuses to hear them cry or complain. When I run errands, he lets them out. And when he is working on a project he just "ignores" what they do around him. He has said several times, "Don't let mom know". I have heard him reply with, I told you not to let your mother know. The behavior has gotten worse. The disrespect I get from them is outrageous. I am getting so upset, that I don't know what else to do. I love my husband, so I can't just send him away. And without a doubt I love my children. I have talked to my husband, but that only creates a bigger argument. We are moving so I know stress is high. But if he doesn't back me up, then disipline is pretty much in the toliet. This job is now twice as hard as it was in the beginning. HELP.
Timeout should really be one minute for every year the child is old. Putting kiddos in their room all night is a bit much at that age. Try using the timeouts, as needed. Also, offer a lot of positive praise when they speak respectfully. Good luck!
Take a look at this website: http://www.parentencouragement.org/
It's the Parent Encouragement Program, and it's where I started six years ago when my husband and I started having major discipline problems with our oldest. He and I were not on the same page at first, only the roles were reversed (I was the soft touch and he was the bad cop). The problem was that he was being too strict, and I was reacting to his mistake by going too far in the opposite direction, thereby compounding the problem. It sounds like this may be happening in your home too. Anyway, take a look.--T.
1) Putting them in their rooms for an hour for disrespect is too much time.
2) Your husband undermining your discipline, right or wrong, is scaring the daylights out of your children and making them act out more.
3) The way you and your husband work at cross-purposes with each other like this, with him undermining and seeming like the "good guy" and you coming off as "the bad guy" is a terribly damaging thing to do to children. You can't stop disciplining them or it will scare them and do horrible damage.
4) If your husband won't go to family counseling, go alone. Or, rather, take the 9, 7 and 5 year olds, too.
5) If the dynamic continues, then at first they might see your husband as the good guy, but eventually they will see him for what he is and they will appreciate you.
your husband has to back you up and he needs to know this. otherwise things will escalate more and more and things will not get resolved. your girls have to know that no means no and that both you and your husband will stand fast to this rule and will not deviate from punishment, then they will not complain so much in the long run when they are diciplined.
I know this for a fact because my ex husband was the same way. he would not back me up for diciplining my son.
With my new husband we a both on the same page about dicipline. It is amazing what two people can do when they are both backing each other up. Your husband needs to step up to the plate once in awhile and dicipline and you have to back him up too. Your children need to see that both of you do the job and they won't give either of you trouble down the road.
good luck
Please dont take this the wrong way, but it sounds to me like your husband isnt taking parenting seriously and wants to just lay it all on your shoulders. He's taking the easy way out (for him). What he is doing is not only disrespectful to you but also sets the example (wrong example) for the children. I am no expert. I have found that watching SuperNanny is a great tool. I know... a TV show?! But she realy knows her stuff. She doesnt take this type of behavior from anyone and they show it all on TV. Perhaps you and your husband should try watching a few episodes together. (they also have a website. I often see episodes where the father isnt putting in enough effort or makes the situation worse by not following thru with the household rules. Good luck!
T.,
If you and your husband are not on the same page, you children will know and act out even more. If he and you can not find a common ground, you are not going to find relief. The lack of respect from your children is the lack of respect your husnband is giving you as a parent! When he does not follow through, you children learn that what you say means nothing! I would let the big fights with him continue until the two of you can find common ground for discipline. If not, you will continue to have this fight and the level of respect and care from your children will diminish!
Jenn
Mama to Bryce~9 Austin~6 Taylor~ 1 1/2
Step Mama to Nich~15 Christian~14
I am also a SAHM of 3 boys.I have had some of the same problem you have--not so much my husband not backing me, but with him being at work, the kids just figured that he would never find out what was going on at home.I started to talk to my husband in front of the children to let them know that daddy does know about what goes on during the day. Just explain to your husband that it really does make a difference when the children know that you all are on the "same team" and that the other parent will find out what goes on in the house when they are not there.I came up with the idea of rewarding the children with "special" play time with daddy if they were good during the day and it worked. If they acted up during the day,they would not be able to play with daddy. I know that girls are different, so maybe you can reward them with something that they look forward to--even a TV show or something and take it away if they are disrespectful.I have my oldest son (8) write sentences when he acts up alot and he hates it!! But I have realized that the "key" difference is talking to the children while daddy is right there agreeing with you.Hope this will help!Stay strong and let your husband know that it makes life much easier when you are not the only disciplinarian in the household.
