Husband Upset Because I Haven't "Initiated"

Updated on September 17, 2012
D. asks from Plainfield, IL
20 answers

Long story short, we have been going through a rough patch lately, but working really hard to communicate and all. Last weekend he was upset because I hadn't initiated lately. I acknowledged that and just how with school starting and soccer starting and both working full time jobs, well, things have just been hecktic. Then this am he was all upset with me again. Ok, I get it, he needs reassurance, but it is that time of the month, I am aching all over and well, it hasn't been a light one. Plus we had soccer and more soccer and curriculum night. I know I should, and it isn't personal, but now he is pouting and upset. This is him being insecure, in my opinion, and he needs to cut me slack. I want to box his ears, but I don't think he will react well. Ugh, I need to vent. So now I can't "initiate" right away or it is out of "pity" (his words, not mine). So what now ladies?

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So What Happened?

Well, I should mention that I am not purposefully witholding or not willing. He unfortunately feels that if I say, ok, lets do it, thenk I am caving and I don't really want to. So I would gladly have given in this am, sucked it up or whatever, but he didn't want it out of "pity". I just haven't thought of it lately, or at least at the right time. So my question is, when do I "initiate"? Do I go home tonight and try after the kids are asleep? Then assume I will need to pony up again quickly to make it more spontaneous? I am not trying to get out of it, nor do I want to. Just wondering what will be the best way to handle it.

Thanks for the advice, I love it alll.

Featured Answers

J.E.

answers from Minneapolis on

In general, men need sex to feel intimate and connected. Women need to feel intimate for sex. It can be a revolving door that one will have to give in or you can just continue to go around. One of you will need to be the first one to give in.

Put on something sexy or send him a naughty text to let him know you're thinking about him. He'll probably get over feeling its out of "pity" with other thoughts ;-)

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C.N.

answers from Baton Rouge on

I wouldn't expect a husband to initiate if he wasn't in the mood, and quite frankly, would be pissed if he was just doing it out of a sense of duty.
By the same token, I won't "just lie there" and "suck it up" if I'm not in the mood.

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T.N.

answers from Albany on

BJ in the laundry room. 5 minutes. Problem solved.

;)

13 moms found this helpful

M.M.

answers from Chicago on

So you won't want to hear this...but this is SUPER easy for you to fix, and it involves just sucking it up.
If you're not going to enjoy it (and I think that's up to you), then all in all, it's 10 minutes out of your day. You can find time for that. When I don't feel like it, I'll actually initiate it when it's convenient for me, since I know DH likes to wait until bedtime (and I've usually checked out by then).

There are certainly times when I don't feel like it, but I do it anyway just to keep him happy.
I see lots of excuses here around "I don't feel like it", and to me, if your'e working on this...that doesn't get to be an excuse you give.

Sorry. I know you're frustrated and tired. But sometimes you have to just suck it up, when it's this easy to fix.

As far as "pity" at this point...the only way you can get around that is to go all out, plan for it and make it special, so that he feels like you want him.
See how much more work that is than just getting it done to begin with? :)

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S.G.

answers from Norfolk on

Throw away your scorecards! While my husband and I haven't ever really discussed it, here's how it works in our marriage:
If one of us is in the mood, we let the other one know--maybe just a look, maybe a verbal suggestion. If he gives me That Look, and I'm not up for it for whatever reason, I'll say so, and suggest a raincheck another day.
And while it's generally understood that my husband will be ALWAYS up for it, he has in reality invoked a raincheck several times in our marriage.
Last time a week or so had gone by due to some health issues he was having, I just told him "I know you haven't been in the mood, just know that I'm ready whenever you are."
I would wager that "pity" or not, he would welcome any moves you put on him at any time in the near future.

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D..

answers from Charlotte on

Okay. Look at your calendar. Pick a night when you are done with your period, you haven't had 10 hours straight of meetings, stresses, etc, and then ask your hubby to do the dishes after dinner. Tell him that you are going upstairs to take a bath and "get in the mood". Ask him to get the kiddies to bed and be ready for some hot nookie when the kids are down. Then grab a racy novel after your relaxing bath, have on your favorite nightie, and put your head in the game. When he comes in, ask him to grab a quick shower, and meet him in the bed.

THIS is a way to make it so you WANT to initiate. Him giving something to you (washing the dishes and putting the kids to bed - make sure there aren't tooooo many dishes, though!) He gets, and you get. It's not all "she gives". Try it. If he balks at the dishes, you have more problems on your hands than him sulking at you for not initiating...

Dawn

4 moms found this helpful
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C.W.

answers from Santa Barbara on

Come on D., this won't take ALL day and you will probably relax and enjoy your husband. I don't think you are saying he is a bad guy, he just wants to be desired. Give It a try, good luck!

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B.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

Men feel loved and cherished when their wives want them and show it.

When I want my wife to know I love her, I'll bring her flowers and write a love poem and do something she likes, like massage her back or feet or what ever is hurting. I hate doing the dishes, but to her, doing the dishes is a so what so I don't do the dishes for her. But I do carry out the trash and pick up the livingroom which she doesn't like to do.

When my wife wants to make me feel loved and appreciated, she makes love to me. It doesn't make any difference if she is on her period or not. If she wants to make me feel loved and appreciated she makes love to me.

To help you understand men in general and your husband in particular, read the book. "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." If you can get by the title, then you will learn a lot about men. After you have read it, give it to your husband. He will learn a lot about women.

Then get the movie, "Fireproof" and watch it with yur husband, and get the companion manual, "The Love Dare" and follow its instructions.

Good luck to you and yours.

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K.F.

answers from New York on

My mother taught me that men really are different than women. His ego needs stroking and if not you then who? Wise women stroke their mens ego and other things.

There should be a whole hosts of tricks you can do to satisfy him and stroke his ego.

The good news is he is still coming to you letting you know what his needs are and your response should affirm him. In other words wear him out often and frequently because men are different than women and because you cherish that connection with him.

Let this bump in the road pass as it has in the past for now, then lay it on him with the zeal of your youth. LOL You might find that you too needed that just as much as he did.

2 moms found this helpful

J.M.

answers from Philadelphia on

ha I get that way at times when I'm stressed about other things
excuses stink=)
Last night I was upset my boyfriend didnt intiiate lately (we J. moved, got a puppy, had my daughters sleepover partyy, and she turned six and started first grade---fit enough in=) so he had more than enough reason to be too tired ) but the added stress of that and my ex made M. more sensitive to him not intitiating. So after we had fun last night and broke the week streak (which included my period) I was upset and mentioned how I felt he performed out of boligation. he laughed at M. and hugged M. and asked what was really bugging M.
Anyway the point of M. telling you I'm as crazy as your husband is sometimes the added stress you mentioned your both going through can make someone more sensitive about not feeling wanted and it is not really about the sex so much as releasing the tension and stress and being with eachother.
so although when you're stressed you avoid sex for him it might help him destress andhe might need to feel conected to you during this time. So start pleasuring him and I'm sure he'll get over his feelings=) I know I did=) and then talk after=)

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R.R.

answers from Chicago on

Cuddle up behind him in bed and whisper "I Love You" in his ear and go from there! My DH loves it if I wake him up in the morning this way! :-) I hope this helps! He just wants to know that you are still attracted to him. When you get home give him a kiss, when passing, etc...

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A.M.

answers from Kansas City on

I'm with Teresa on this one! It's the easy way out for me when I want to but just don't have the energy! My way of saying I still love you, you are are wonderful but not good timing!

The the follow up in a day or two with...something else!

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

Having gone through a tough patch with my DH, I feel for you. Nothing makes me feel less like initiating anything than feeling emotionally beaten up and stressed out. If he's the type that wants physical attention when he's upset and you are not, this can be very hard. I once listed off everything I had going on (including any PMS symptoms) and said if he really really wanted some lovin' he could help me with x, y, and z - just BECAUSE he cared for me as his wife, not because he was hoping to get some. Want my body? Take care of my heart and mind. And sometimes it helps to do something you enjoy together or trade backrubs or whatever to feel like doing more together, but I frankly hate the thought of just going through the motions because it's just no fun. Try to find a middle ground between him pouting like a child and you feeling used.

And if you basically did offer him a time but he didn't want to because he thought it might be out of pity, then he's being unfair. What is his problem?

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K.K.

answers from Springfield on

He's acting like a child. And then compounding it by pouting and calling it pity. Geesh. No wonder it isn't on the top of your list. I couldn't possibly suck it up and even want to under the circumstances you have described.

There are ways to make each other feel loved, like a quick kiss, quick back rub, just gestures and doing things to help each other out - that let both of you know you love each other even if due to whatever reason, you aren't in the sack! :-) Good luck!!

S.K.

answers from Denver on

Im in the same boat although my husband has kinda learned to deal with it. My initiation right now is "Im going upstairs to bed, are you going to come up or stay down here" Its getting better as the kids are getting older now its kind of an every other day expected thing and he pouts when its the "supposed" day and it doesnt happen. Im just so exhausted that when we are in bed I want to sleep. I wake up in the night I try to go back to sleep because I know if I do anything that i wont be able to go back to sleep. And in the mornings the kids are already at the foot of the bed asking when im going to get up. Even if they are downstairs playing nicely its only due time til one runs up screaming about something. He does work weird hours so occasionally i let him wake me up at midnight but that is far from me initiating.

X.O.

answers from Chicago on

When I am either too tired/overwhelmed or not at a good time for it (aka, Aunt Flo, or we'd get pregnant if we did it right then), I tend to flirt with him more, and give him lots of random deep kisses, or just a lot of physical contact. It helps reassure him that I DO want him, and also helps build anticipation. When I'm ready, he's not been feeling neglected, and it tends to be very intense because of the anticipation and connection that we've maintained.

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C.C.

answers from Orlando on

I feel you, Sister! Let him pout, he will get over it!
He will not turn you down if you initiate now. Pity or no pity....Just do it, but only if you want to...

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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

... seems to me he just needs attention.
And for Men, that is sex and the woman "wanting" them.

So you have your PMS or period. Did you tell him that????
You should be able to tell him you have your period and are all achy and it not a light one.

Then, there are other things to do besides sex. But he can still be satisfied.

But, if you don't even feel like it, then you both have to work on the relationship and getting to where you don't feel like it is a "job" to satisfy him.
AND what is HE DOING... to help things overall????
If he is not doing anything helpful or positive... he can't just expect the relationship to MAGICALLY improve. It.takes.work.from.both.partners.
I mean, you STILL seem to be doing... so much with the house and kids and you work too. So what is HE doing, per the kids, household duties, spending time with the kids, and with nurturing, you????
If he is not doing anything, and the communication is not improving either...then well, he can't expect a woman to just perform/initiate.

Have you both, considered getting counseling?

Meanwhile, your Husband is POUTING. And he seems to need a lot of reassurance.
Reassurance of what?? That you love him and need him???
Well, tell him that.
But if you do give him a lot of attention, but he is still insecure... then HE NEEDS TO WORK ON HIMSELF TOO. Meaning, a person's Insecurity... CANNOT always be blamed, on someone else.
It comes from within... the person themselves.

J.A.

answers from Indianapolis on

Would you be upset if he had a list of excuses? I'm just saying, look at this through his eyes for a second. We are all insecure at times, so try not to condemn him for natural feelings.

My husband is going through a rough time right now. It started out like you described. Life distracted us from catching the real problem, though. And it breaks my heart when he doesn't show me any affection.

Just wait until you feel better and make sure to make time for him. Often we get so busy that we forget we were wives first (in most cases). Sure you're busy. But he needs to feel loved just as much as you do.

I suggest you read The 5 Love Languages.

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L.F.

answers from San Francisco on

Tell him to suck it up and stop acting like a two year old. As a married man he should be capable of pulling a little extra weight and doing nice things for you, initiating himself if he really wants it with you and to give you a break! As for you, don't do it out of pity or cave. When you are ready,then you initiate. When he is ready, he does it. But to put pressure on someone to initiate, is silly. He needs some self-esteem boosters...tell him he is handsome, sexy, thanks for doing the dishes etc. Help him that way. Good luck.

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