Husband Never Helps with Xmas Dinner

If you want him to help, ask him to help. You might need to be specific - peel the potatoes, chop the onion, etc. If you ask and he says no and then sits on the couch and watches football, he's being a jerk. If you ask and he says no but he's cleaning the house or fixing something or fully engaged with the kids, maybe you could consider he's contributing in other ways. If you've never asked, then you're not being fair. If you never ask, how is he to know you want or need help?

It's hard to tell if you're being petty, but you could think about how you are asking and whether or not you are considering what he IS doing.

Assign him specific tasks you want him to do to help. I used to do all the work myself and I was always salty no-one offered to help, but then I stopped expecting them to read my mind and started insisting cooking dinner be a family affair, not everyone helps without complaint.

Have you requested his help with Xmas dinner?

I mostly like to keep people out of my way in the kitchen when I'm cooking up something big, but my husband helps if I hand him potatos and a peeler, or send him to fetch groceries, or ask him to bring up extra chairs and set them up, etc.

The other part of my holiday planning is that I've learned to not take on more than I want to do. If other people have a different expectation, they are welcome to do the work.

It is a good sign that your husband handles his own work-party obligations instead of foisting them off on you.

What would you like him to do?
Give him some tasks!
If the pattern has been that you've 'handled' xmas dinner - he might feel he's intruding in your territory.
Invite him in!

M.,

I don't understand what your question is.

Your husband doesn't help at HOME with Christmas dinner but provides for his work?
Is he the owner/boss?
What does he do?

If your question is - my husband doesn't help me at the house for Christmas - am I being petty? My question back would be - do you ASK him to help? I know my husband helps when asked - otherwise he stays out of the kitchen.

if you haven't asked him for help. How does he KNOW you need help?

Need more information, obviously.

Do you directly ask him? With my husband, and Christmas doings, I tell him what I need him to do and when. Otherwise, he stays out of my way, lol! Men often need direct and concise communication and are not really good at mind reading.

maybe?

what have you said to him about it?

what was his response?
khairete
S.

If you don't help out here, you don't eat.

How have you handled it so far? Hard to give thoughts/advice without knowing what you've said ..

and your question IS........?

To be frank I'd just go sit down and take a break. Let dinner fix itself or let others take care of it. You don't have to do everything. You allow them to put you in that role. Stop doing that.

Don't fix a big dinner. Go get Kentucky Fried Chicken or something. Use paper plates, plastic utensils, toss away cups. Don't cook anything. Tell hubby if he wants something different then he knows where the kitchen is.

He might think you don't want him in there messing with your rhythm.

I agree with Gidget. Try that. If he won't help, then stop making Christmas dinner. You can buy dinners pre-made. If he doesn't like it, then he will know what he needs to do next year in order to not have a pre-made dinner.

I gotta say that I think it's ridiculous for you to be called petty just because someone else's husband never helps. Good grief.

Not much info here so I'll just raise a few questions. If you feel like it, add to your post so we understand a lot more about what's going on.

Some people like to be the "star of the show" - is he like that, so he loves to "perform" at the office parties? Are you like that and you want to be in charge at home?

Have you discussed this with him? Are you two good "discussers" who fight fair, or do you tend to boss each other around and yell about how the other doesn't do x, y or z?

Is the Christmas dinner the sort of thing he would prepare if he were in charge, or do you insist on certain things whether or not he shares your vision?

What my husband and I do, when company is coming, is we make a list. (We actually have a generic list on the computer that we print out and adjust as needed.) We put down everything, from shopping (food, wine, supplies) to cleaning (kitchen, dining room, living area, guest bathroom) to setting up chairs/tables to setting up drinks (glasses, ice bucket, wine, sodas) to walking the dog so she doesn't have to go out in the middle of everything. We each take the things we're great at - I am good at a schedule that says "2:00, put turkey in" and "5:00 pour ice water," while my husband is awesome at making sure there's enough ice (which I always forget) and kicking up some great rock & roll music while he vacuums and dusts. Then we take the stuff we hate (cleaning toilets) and we divide it 50-50. I probably do more of the up front work, but he is awesome at clean-up and dishes while I sit with my feet up.

For this year, I'd suggest that you make a moderate list of a few things and be nice about it: "Honey, I'm feeling so stressed and I wonder if you could take these 3 things off my plate." Put your list up on the fridge. DO NOT say, "You never help" because you will have a big fight on Christmas day, which no one wants. You will find you get much more when you are pleasant and organized (or at least ask for help in getting organized) and when you share your frustrations at a good time (not an hour before people arrive). Hopefully, if you have 30 things on the list, your husband will do a lot more than 3! Sharing the work is great when you also share the vision of what the day should look like, and that may mean giving up a few things while adding something that would be meaningful to him. I found that I was doing some things because I thought they were "expected" but no one really cared about them, including me. That made me much less resentful.

But if you two don't have a great communication system to start with and you have these conflicts at other times, then there's more work to be done throughout the year.

"Husband never helps . . ." Why? Have you asked him to help? Did he say no or did he not give the help you wanted? What exactly is the issue?

It sounds like you are jealous of something pretty ridiculous. I guess what is the alternative? That you would rather your husband ask you to make the food for his work parties? That he brings nothing at all?

Try to be a little more solution based.

Well, maybe he thinks you don't need or want his help, that you have it all handled. Some people do not like sharing their kitchen, I have met a few that have told me to get out of the way and let them have their space and the entire counter because it's THEIR kitchen...yup, they become territorial. Maybe he thinks this is you. Have you tried asking him, or let him know it bothers you that he never has tried/offered to help? It may just be a simple misunderstanding.

I host Thanksgiving every year for over 20 people. I used to try to do it myself but now I give my husband and dd assignments. My husband has to do the noncooking work. He has to get all the dishes ready, wine glasses, get all the coffee pots down from storage, etc. My husband and dd also set the tables the night before, get the napkins laid out and bring up with extra tables. I also do all the main dishes (i.e. Turkey, dressing, rolls, cranberry sauce and appetizers). I have my guests bring everything else (which they are happy to do)
This makes it a lot more manageable.

the question is am i being petty? i say yes you are. my hubby NEVER helps in the kitchen. that is untill he finds a baked recipe that he wants to try out and wants to be the first to make it. then he will make a good mess of the kitchen and have a baked good to show for the mess that i now get to clean up