Husband Makes Less than I Do- Why Does This Bother Me So Much?

I'd grab onto this guy, and squeeze before someone else wants him. Life is not always what we expect but it can be quite wonderful if we accept what we have and not wish there was more.

I would change places with you anytime!! Mymission said it right. If he is good as you describe him, he is GOLD. All my best.

well, it's largely a cultural thing, isn't it? but it's a paradigm that's changing. i suspect the issue, deep down, is more about your natural need to respect him for what he does. if he were a carpenter or a nanny or a waiter who was really into his work and loved it (or at least was focused on being excellent at it), i think the money would matter less. and of course, if you were making a ton it would be less important, but i'll bet it would still niggle at the back of your mind.
college isn't for everybody, but everybody needs a vocation of some sort. and no, you shouldn't have to nag him to find it. i love that you appreciate his wonderful qualities, but i have to say, the lack of motivation would bug me too. is it possible he's got some low-level underlying depression?
it would be great for you two to figure out how to talk this out without it devolving into accusations. i'm thinking either a marriage counselor, or a little individual counseling for him.
khairete
S.

You need to change yourself. Basically you have described most marriages except generally the gender roles are reversed. You need to let go of the idea the man should be the larger income! It is unfair and kind of stupid. Sure if he made more your household income would be greater but that is greed.

I mean if I came on here and said my husband thinks I should get a better job to increase our household income because he wants to save more women here would flip their nuts. I could make quite a bit more but I wouldn't have a job I love. Thankfully my husband is completely supportive of this. I know at any time I am going to have to change jobs or demand a huge raise because my husband has a physical job and a bad back, his days are numbered. I have no problem taking a job I hate to support all of us because he has been so understanding of my job needs.

I say this because not once have you said you hate your job, you can't stand going in but you have to because you support the family. You are only saying I want more. More shouldn't be something you get annoyed with your spouse for.

if you guys are making it ok with your better job, and his job, then I wouldn't complain. I'd take a great husband and father any day than a guy who is gone all the time chasing a career and god knows what else.

You know what? My husband could have written your post, as you are basically describing our marriage with reversed gender roles, but he didn't resent me for it. I didn't bring in enough money to pull us out of a paycheck to paycheck life until a few years ago. The fact that I am an amazing mother and wife has been enough for him for 18 years.

Well, after reading your post it doesn't seem to be about two hardworking people with O. earning more than the other. I know plenty of women that out earn their hardworking husbands. It all goes into a pot.
But to me your situation seems to be that he:
1: hasn't lit upon a career he really wants and commits to
2: has low motivation when it comes to working
3: isn't contributing ENOUGH money make sure your bills, savings, extras are covered.
4: he's being "safe" by working with family to ensure ANY income ( your dad is paying him now? Can you imagine Joe your fisher feels when his daughters husband needs to work for him do he can help support his children?

You're right--I do think you need to level with him. You're shouldering the financial burden and over time, you will resent this more and more.
Don't disguise it as you have am problem earning more, it's about increasing his contribution. How he does this is up to him: second job, side jobs, work more hours etc.

Good luck!

Well. I can relate in a way. And it reminds me not many situations are perfect. My husband is super ambitious but I still make way more. But he's not around much bc he works so much trying to out earn me which is very unlikely to happen. I would love him to just help me more! Fortunately I do make a very very good living so money is not an issue and we take expensive vacations etc. but that brings another issues. I'm resentful I'm paying for it all and he's the one relaxing more when we go. Or in general he does way less with the kids. He's a great dad and a good husband but it's not the same set up as when the man makes most of the money so the wife does more at home. If your husband does a lot at home,be grateful. I know it's hard but many situations aren't perfect. If he was really ambitious,he couldn't help so much. And money is relative. What is enough? By most standards we have way more than enough yet there's always something more we to buy or another trip and a bigger house. I also could ask you why you don't get paid more... Kind of turn the tables. Why can't you make enough to give your family what you think is missing?... I do... So look at it that way too. There are men married to women who make more than you and some don't work at all. So your husband could expect more from you too. Just trying to say to make sure you look at all the angles. A foot rub!? Ha! My husband comes home to dinner on the table every night and I do most of the dishes and I make 4x what he does... I work much shorter hours but it still can bug me.

I can relate to everything that you are saying. I can also say that I agree with much of what folks are telling you here. My husband, excellent husband and a phenomenal daddy, answers to a lot of his childhood and adolescence - what went on with his brothers, his mother and his now deceased father, and allows this to dictate to him exactly how far he has the right to reach, professionally and financially speaking. I frankly cannot stand much of his family, and wish they would just go away, but my husband hangs on because they are his only blood relatives and it is important to him that he have a relationship with them. It is utterly one-sided, at the very best. That's a whole other post.

One day, we were at an OT appointment for one of our daughters. My husband remarked that what the OT did was pretty incredible and he could see himself really enjoying that as a career. Frankly, anything to do with children my husband would excel with. He has a gift that not a lot of men have, and it is fantastic to watch him deal with them. He pretty much stumbled into the industry he is in now, and isn't really crazy about it. It's an income though, so he sticks with it.

As an aside, In September of 2012, he was fired from his job. We struggled terribly throughout much of 2013 until someone until he was rehired at another company. It is not in the same capacity as he was in before, and we took a hit, income wise. It's peripherally in the same industry, it's a job and it provides full benefits for our family. I am grateful we have this. My husband, however, is now on the lower end of the paycheck spectrum, compared to where he was before but isn't really doing much to fix that. It's an issue with me. Where working a definite set of hours wasn't such a big deal before the issue in 2012, it certainly is now.

As for your situation with your hubby, I too have bought into the fantasy of "me man, me make money for family!!" I think a lot of women are just hardwired like this. Not all women, certainly, but some are. I am. It would seem you are too. I can understand that it bothers you that it clearly isn't that big of a deal to him, at least so he'd tell you.

I would level with your husband about this. You are correct. You do NOT want this issue sitting on your heart. It can only do damage in the long-run.

All my best to you. I am interested to know how it turns out for you.

E.

Are you upset because you think he's "settling," meaning he's not really happy and you know he wants something better? Or are you upset because your family could really use the money and he doesn't seem motivated to find a way to bring in a bigger income?

In my family there was no pasture to go to college or get an advanced degree ... It was just what everyone did. Seriously, almost everyone in my family - parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins - has at least one post graduate degree. But not my BIL. He tried community college and hated it. He dropped out after one semester. My family tried so hard to embrace him for who he is a and not to criticize. It never worked. My sister lives 1,000 miles away and refuses to speak to us. And seriously, it's because her husband got it in his head (completely unfairly) that we thought he wasn't good enough.

My story is a bit extreme, and I get annoyed when people post stories like mine and then act like it's the norm and everyone needs to listen. I'm just saying, tread lightly. You want to be careful to not imply that his job situation or lack of education makes you think less of him.

If you are concerned about his happiness and fulfillment, talk to him about that. Let him know that you want him to be happy with his job and encourage him to take some time (a week or so?) to think about what might really make him happy.

If you are concerned about money, start by considering your job situation. Are their ways you could bring in more money - a different job, different company, promotion. Is there a change you could make? You might surprise yourself.

But please give it some thought before you talk to him.

I'm with Suz.
It sounds to me as if it isn't soley (or even mainly?) the money aspect, but the lack of enthusiasm or motivation to do more. (I didn't put that well, but I'm only on my first cup of coffee). If he were in love with his work or doing something with a larger end game/goal in mind (rather than drifting from one job to another with no "career" path in mind) then the money would be irrelevant.
It's his contentment with the status quo that seems to be the bothersome aspect.
Have you asked him about that? IS he content with it?

You fell in love with a NON type A personality person. He's not an aggressive person when it comes to stuff. He's happy with his life and enjoys it I bet.

You, on the other hand, need to decide if you can live with him the way he is or get a divorce. He may never enjoy going to work in the job you choose for him, he may never like college or doing homework, taking tests, and writing papers that mean absolutely nothing to anyone but the professor who has to show they have means to make sure their students are able to regurgitate the information fed to them.

I have a friend who fell in love with an adorable man. He was easy going, enjoyed spending time with his family and their friends, he worked at Subway as a manager and loved his job.

His wife had a graduate degree through CEAT and she made at least 6 figure incomes each year. He wore pants to work that had the hems walked off and she wore designer suits to work each day.

They were mismatched for all purposes outside of their home. She loved him, but was completely embarrassed by him when she had to go to a dinner or work event. She would often just leave him at home.

They divorced because she wanted a man she could show off, in my opinion that was all it was, she wanted someone that would wear a suit well and have credentials after his name to give her a higher status with her co-workers.

I feel sorry for your husband. Obviously he's not good enough for you but I bet he'd make some other woman a great husband.

Please think hard about this. He is who he is, keep trying to change him into someone you can be seen with and he's going to find someone who will love him for who he is on the inside.

I bet if you took a strong look, you could find ways that your family has to compromise because of the way you choose to live life. It's just not financial.

The wedding vows are words but the living them out is MUCH harder. Hang on to a man who is good to you and your children. I know many women who would change places with you in a hot min. Read the post below yours and deal. Most all of us would like to have more money but that's just how it is.

Choose to be happy with this problem because anything other choice would really make everyone unhappy.

Count your blessings! You have less family vacations, but a dad/husband that is around and cares. You have no savings, but a husband willing to make memories, etc. Do you know how many rich wives are sitting all by themselves in a big fancy house wishing they had a dad/hubby that was around?

My husband has a class A CDL. And he wants to get licensed for heavy equipment operator. I on the other hand am getting my bachelor's degree and moving on to become certified as a Massage Therapist. But I am good at school and quite book smart. He is hands on. He also loves TV while I would rather read a book. These are just fundamental differences between us.

I suggest you stop trying to change your husband. If he doesn't want to go to college then oh well.

Are you really upset with living on less money? You could after all adjust your budget and expectations. Or are you truly upset because you feel you're shouldering most of the financial responsibility yourself?

Exactly what 2kidmama says, my cousins husband didn't have career when she married him. She sent him to glazing school. He laughs today that the guys made fun of him because he couldn't read a measuring tape and she got him one that had the measurement markings on it. He lost that job due to the economy and went to work installing meters. Today, I am not sure what he is doing but he learned to explore the work force and see what he can do.

I agree, it is likely a self esteem thing.

At least he is doing something for you. If there is food on the table and he is making it, let it be. It doesn't mean you can't try to encourage him. Even a local grocery store would give him a steady income and he could work his way up.

Anyway, my dad was a cook and carpenter. When one field didn't have anything available, he switched to the other. When neither had anything available, he switched to drinking. If he cooked, he drank the wine he was cooking with and left the kitchen a mess.

It sounds like you have a wonderful man, he just needs encouraging.

Tell him again how terrible it makes you feel and how worried you are that the two of you do not have a savings account. Tell him you need things to change and sit down together and ask him to make a list of all the different jobs he might enjoy. What does he think he would like to do? Think outside the box. What does he dislike about past jobs he has had? He sounds like a wonderful person. Maybe he has low self esteem and that makes it hard for him to imagine being successful?
Our city has city jobs that range from PR to maintenance to working at the pool or the ski hill. You get good benefits.
Working at a school...summers off to be with the kids. There are more jobs than just teaching.
Delivery driving, bus driving, taxi driving (does he enjoy driving?)
Working at a museum, giving tours, working behind the scenes
Working in a greenhouse, a library, at a doctor's office
Working at a hospital...they need a lot of people behind the scenes.
Working at an art gallery, a state or national park, a research technician for biologists.
Working at a marine lab or at a harbor
Good luck. He sounds like such a great person, but it is super scary that you do not have a savings account. If he will not do anything starting in 2 weeks tell him you need to do counseling with him.

B.,

So you're the man of the marriage when it comes to income and it bothers you? Okay. Fine. There are PLENTY of women who are the bread winners in the family and the husband is happy to stay at home. It doesn't make them any less of a man.

From where I am standing? You need to change your view/opinion. You are caught up in the "fairy tale" story we are told in our youth - man takes care of woman, etc.

here's an NPR piece on stay at home dad's...
http://www.npr.org/2013/05/15/180300236/stay-at-home-dads...

if you don't need his income - change things - really - find out what he wants to do and figure out how to make it on your income alone.

Do you think he's depressed? Or has he always been like this?

I realize you say he doesn't want to - or that nothing has worked...other than YOU - what's his passion? Is there a trade he can do? Like carpentry (that's he's doing now) that he can get trained in??? You MUST communicate....I realize this bothers you, but you need to shake off the fairy tale man provides for woman mentality....at least that's my opinion...

Have you ever been to marriage counseling? Perhaps a few sessions would help you learn to communicate better and develop some joint goals. It sounds like you both have some very good qualities, but you have different expectations. You may be able to find some common ground with an independent third party counselor. Good luck!

Dear B.,

You said that you feel that your family is making many sacrifices because of your husband's work decisions - does he feel that there are sacrifices? Have you sat down and talked about how you would like your life together to be? If not, that is your first step. Sit down together and discuss your life today and what you are happy with and what you would like to improve. Call it a "marriage check-up". Do not place blame, just sit down the two of you and discuss how you envisioned your life and how you see it and how he sees it.

If he agrees with you that you are making sacrifices due to your combined income level, than you can work from there - what could we each do to improve the situation? It might mean cutting other spending, giving up luxuries for the time being or him picking up a weekend/night job.

If he is happy with your life as it is than you probably need to decide if this is a marriage and life that you can be satisfied with....I would suggest professional marriage counseling at that point.

Do keep in mind that since you have children and you admit that he is a good dad, he will be in your life forever, whether you chose to be married to him or not.

The grass is always greener on the other side. Hang in there.