Husband Is Going Through Mid-life Crisis. How Do I Cope?

I agree with the PP that says it sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I don't mean to sound harsh but I would bet a lot that he's got someone else (woman) involved to some level. It almost sounds like he wants to "date" you AND others to see what he really wants. Like you can be free to jumpt through his hoops to "win" him back. I'm not sure he sounds like a prize worth winning back. Personally, if I were in your shoes, I'd tell him to shove off and that I am not interested in dating my husband! I would tell him that I AM interested in child support and in keeping the house. I'd tell him to get moving and get his "new" life started. I feel for you as far as you and your daughter are concerned but I think a divorce would be easier to eplain than his bizarre behavior and requests. Could you ever explain that daddy is dating someone else AND mommy? Sheesh.

Hi T.,

The first thing I want to say is that I'm going to be really honest here and I know some people are going to think I'm terrible, but I am writing this to help, not to be judged by the holier than thou. Sorry to have to say that, but I've had some really nasty replies in the past when I've admitted less than flattering things about myself. 

So, let me tell you about my mid-life crisis (or whatever it was). I had been in a relationship with my fiancé for 10 years. We had a similar situation  in that he was less attracted to me because I was not career oriented enough for him. He is very career oriented and wanted a wife who was as driven. I wanted to get married, have kids and be a stay at home mom. I was not inspired by my career, but the thought of taking care of a family filled me with excitement. He refused to discuss this as an option and thought my desire to stay home with our future children was because I was lazy (ha ha) and didn't want to work. 

Eventually this continual argument and several others put a wedge between us and I decided I wasn't happy and wanted to leave ...or did I? That's the thing, there's a fear of leaving because you are afraid you might lose something without finding something better. So, I told him I needed a break. I told him I was moving out, I wanted both of us to see other people, but still see each other. I told him I thought this could bring us closer and hopefully I'd fall in love with him all over again.... Sound familiar?  Well, let me tell you; it was bullsh**! 

This was about my self esteem. I knew I didnt want to be in a relationship with him anymore, but he'd been telling me for years that I'd never find someone better than him and I was afraid he might be right. As soon as I left him and realised that there were LOTS of other fish in the sea he was history. I realise now that it would've been kinder to him to make a clean break rather than leading him on for months and giving him false hope - because he really did want to spend his life with me - but that's hindsight.  As you say, when you're going through this your vision is very narrow - very selfish. 

About him asking for your permission, I did this too. I tried to convince my ex that he wasn't happy either and didnt he also think the separation was a good idea? He didnt. This is not because your husband isn't sure he wants to go. This is to alleviate his guilt. He loves you - I loved my ex- you have history, you have a daughter and he doesn't want to hurt you so if you give him permission to go then that means he can share the responsibility for breaking up your family with you. It is not about not wanting to go. It is about fear and guilt.

As an aside, I also never 'cheated' but I had a very intimate relationship with a colleague of mine. We never even touched, but we flirted and talked for hours. We had lunch together just the two of us every day, texted and basically 'dated' for about 10 months before I left my fiancé. I realise now that I was trying it out, trying to feel what dating might be like. I may as well have cheated. Being physical with this person would not have made it more intimate. I'm not saying this is what your husband is doing. I'm just saying that you don't have to touch someone else to be unfaithful.

I hope hearing my story helps. My advice is to picture your best case scenario without your husband and make it happen. If he leaves, then tell him that's it. He can stay and work it out - counseling, etc- or he can go and let you get on with your life. Dont let him drag it out for his convenience. Be proactive. Take control of this situation rather than letting him do it to you. Don't let him put you on a shelf while he decides whether you're the one he wants. That's not how life works and you deserve better than that. Don't stay in an unhappy marriage for your daughter. Remember, you are her role model. Try to put her in your situation. If this was her ( a few years down the line obviously) and she came to you with your problem what advice would you give her? Follow that advice.  

I truly wish you all the best. I hope you find the happiness that you deserve. I'm now happily married to a man I started dating 3 months after I left my ex.  We have 2 boys who I stay at home with and I am very happy so I know I did the right thing if not in the best way. You need do what's right for you and the rest will fall in to place. 

All the best, D.

(* I read your update. It explains a lot. )

Oh good grief! What a crock. I will tell you this- He has thought about this long and hard. Because he has all the details of what he wishes/hopes/wants.

He is either a middle-aged man who is bored and honest, or someone who is clinically going through a real mental/emotional crises, or someone who has ulterior motives and is not telling you the whole story.

have you both sought counseling together?

Then there is this thing: at which point does one become a door-mat and the "martyr" and the having to put up with everything... while the other one gets his fill and fun and whatever he wants.

Then there is your child. How is he/you going to explain all this to her?

Then, there is the VERY real thing where If I were you, I would have HIM tested for STD's every month, and you too. You don't want to catch any sexually transmitted diseases while he is finding himself. And I would want PROOF that he went in for testing.

I'm real sorry for your going through this. Some men, can maturely grow through it with their Spouse. But it seems he does not want to "include" you in all this. But yet does not want to "divorce."
Whatever it may be, you best get all your ducks in a row... and legally ascertain, what EXACTLY does a "separation" mean to him??? And then, how it will affect YOUR custody of your girl... and the ramifications of all that.
Maybe he does not want a divorce because after all, it costs money.. and then alimony too. So, to some, a "separation" is the easier thing, financially, for them.

Get to the bottom line. YOU deserve that much. No pussy-footing around. This impacts YOUR life and your child's.
Bottom-line, he HAS to be responsible for his actions... he is not acting in a bubble with his own dreams... it involves other people. Namely you and his daughter.

If he feels lost and needs to find himself again and experience all the romanticized ideals of a man roaming the earth for enlightenment... then he should do that without harming his family... nor taking their love for granted. Some people have the urge to do in life what they always dreamed of and don't want to pass up anything.... which is fine. But at what cost? He told you he lost his passion for you. But it is probably that he lost his passion for stuff... which he may not even know himself. Or, he has a whole other life planned, separately, and knows it. BUT is not telling you.

YOU have to lay down your boundaries too.

To me, his whole "story" seems like a real crock.

I would not put up with such bull****

Al the best,
Susan

Honey, hang in there.

First off, have you tried praying about your situation together? You and hubby sit down and hold hands and ask the Lord to interveine? Trust me, it helps.

Secondly, flat refuse to allow him to see anyone else. If he wants to rekindle the passion between the two of you, then there just needs to be the two of you.

Third. See if you can book a weekend at "A Weekend to Remember" conference. It would make a world of difference. Dennis Rainey of Focus on the Family is the founder of the event, I believe. Google it, it can change your life.

You will all be in my prayers. And you are right, you are loosing a limb. If you were really in danger of having your arm or leg cut off when it didnt need to be, youd fight it with every bone in your body. Dont loose that limb. Get up and FIGHT for your man.

W.

ALSO: get the book "The Love Dare" by Stephen and Alex Kendrick (ISBN 978-0-8054-4885-6and read it. It is very powerful!

B & H Publishing Group Nashville, TN www.BHPublishingGroup.com or www.thelovedarebook.com

They also sell it at Walmart and Sams

Hi
I will share with you a situation that my friend went through. however, in that case, it was the woman who wanted a separation. I will tell you this, she wanted the separation and already pretty much had someone else lined up to date, but to quell her guilt and at the same time, keep her husband at hand (should the "other relationship" not work out, she wanted a separation and not divorce.. This was selfish I thought and too, well not really completely honest. Oh she too would have dated her husband had he gone along with that plan....again, was another ploy of hers to have her cake and eat it too.... but he didn't go for it. in fact, he told her, look we either work this out with 100% of our attention, or we don't... but I am not separating so that you can see if there is something else out there and sow your oats............. which is what I think your husband basically wants to do.. get a little "different" kind of action and then have you to go back to....
based on my friend's scenario, I have to say.. I truly don't believe your husband is leveling with you and all his cards aren't on the table... I have a feeling his eye has been wandering for sometime.. why do I say this, well my friend was flirting was other guys long before she brought up the idea of separation to her husband...... albeit, down the road, they did work it out and didn't do a trial separation.. but it took BOTH people truly wanting it to work out.. these things don't work out on their own... and time doesn't heal, it's what you do with that time.. ask yourself (As did my friend's husband have to ask himself) do you really want to be with someone who is no longer into you... I mean, don't you deserve better than that.. and too, why should you wait around for him to figure things out. Don't become a victim here,you can gain some empowerment... how? by setting firm boundaries.. stop being intimate with him (At least for now) why be intimate with someone whom if given the chance is going to date others... you invested a lot of time into this relationship and now, oh he decides he wants to see others but keep you on a leash so that he can pull in the reins when he is done playing.... stand up for yourself.... set some solid boundaries and ask yourself this.. IF this was your little daughter all grown up for whom you adore going through this with her husband and she came home one day and said, mom, so and so wants to separate and date others.... and he isn't into me.... wouldn't you think your daughter deserved WAY BETTER.. of course you would.... would you tell her..oh stick it out... this IF the husband still insisted on seeing others.. wouldn't you also suspect that he was probably already seeing someone else or on the verge... probably.... love yourself the way you love your daughter....... if you can do that, you'll make good decisions...
I wish you the best..

Sorry, But this sounds like a man who wants his cake and eat it to. First, why are you still being intimate with him if he tells you he has lost his passion for you. I know you love him but you have to love yourself more. I hate to say it but he is not being honest with you and may even have someone else already. Get counseling for you, don't try to change yourself to make him happy. Marriage is hard work, but it takes two people to make it work. Remember one thing, people will only treat us how we allow them to treat us. Love yourself first and don't concern yourself with his issues. You deserve more. He is being selfish, and he is not showing you love.

I think if you are trying to get the passion back, then seperating will actually deter from that. My DH and have been married 20yrs, and together 30yrs. We have had our bad times believe me, but in the last 2 yrsa we have decided to take a couple only vacation once a year, and that time together really brings back the passion and closeness. Every once in awhile we may start to feel bored, or blah, but I think that is just because we get lazy. We need to remember there has to be intimacy outside the bedroom ( ie touching, holding hands, talking etc). I keep saying we need to find a common interest/hobby and do that together.

I hope all works out for you. Marriage is a Fulltime job.

I'm not sure exactly what you're asking, but a couple of things jump out at me. I am over a year into a separation and divorce that is yet to be finalized. My situation is different in that I had no intention of getting back together with my husband once I left, and my son is much younger than your daughter.

I would recommend getting the advice of a marriage and family therapist before making ANY changes to your living arrangement. With or without your husband, a therapist will help you get through your thoughts and feelings to a place where you are confident and comfortable with your choices. Since you have a daughter, you also have her psyche to protect. If the plan is ultimately for your husband to return to the family home and for the three of you to live together as a family, you'll need to really think about whether it's worth disrupting the family in the mean time. Your daughter will need help and support to be reassured that you and her father won't be breaking up again and that you won't break up with HER.

I wish you luck in this difficult time.

gosh! It sound slike there is still so much love to give between the 2 of you. That might be your saving grace :O)

It sounds like he's just trying to be honest with you.......which, as hard as it is, it is something we should respect. Whether he already has someone, or not, isn't the issue to me..........it sounds like he wants his marriage to work, and so do you. That's the strength right now.

I had an older friend who went through this..........they are together still, even though they seperated for a long period of time (almost a year). He did everything from buying a sports car, to possibly having girlfriends. She was angry and frustrated, but let him "go through it".........he came back to her.

I don't know if i would want my husband in the same house while he was sorting out his emotions, passions, etc........it might not be good for a child to hear/witness. Plus, it could magnify any developing insecurities that you may have.,

The only one who can make this choice is you. If you want to try to "seperate" to save your marriage, then try it........I've never been there, so who am I to say that it "doesn't feel right".........I know what I believe is morally right, but those morals don't always make "sense" in life and work.

I truly hope that you guys can work things out. There is so much love there (it sounds). Getting the passion back and having "dates" could be all that's needed to help your marriage survive. I hope anyway.

Take care.

~N. :o)

T.,

He wants to separate.

I've asked for a divorce

Still very intimate.

I love my husband

My husband still loves me

8 year old daughter who adores us both.

We have been together 22 years

Sexual intimacy does not replace true love and commitment to a marriage. While I am not in favor of divorce if he wants to separate and still remain intimate, I would suggest that you legally separate, get your business details in order (i.e. finances, child and spousal support, visitation, etc.) and prepare yourself. You don’t need to rush into divorce; you do need to take care of business.

Get this man out of your home. If you and he are willing to go through the process of repairing your marriage, take it slow and get good counseling. It appears as if he wants the best of both worlds. This is not fair to you or your child.

Your husband may love you and his child, but it doesn’t seem like he loves the two of you as much as he loves himself at the moment. The guy needs a serious wake up call.

Blessings…..

Dear I can relate and I am so very sorry.
I definitely agree that the seeing other people is not a good idea. Either he is married to you and willing to work on it or he needs to leave. Marriage isn't an on and off again thing and dating/having an affair with someone else won't fix it! In fact it will complicate things even more if one of you falls in love with someone else.
Tell him you want 6 months. The rules are he stays in the house. He does NOT date anyone else. You find a therapist you both like (even if this means visiting two or three). Be willing to spend at least ONE day a week just you two. Make it a date, even if it means getting a sitter and staying HOME. Get to know each other. Buy some board games, bubble bath, pull out your favorite music, go for a walk, TALK!
I also have some books to recommend.
"The Proper Care and Feeding of a Husband" by Dr. Laura Schlesinger. Keep an open mind, read it all and try it! You might be surprised at how well it works.
"The Proper Care and Feeding of a Marriage" " "
"The Four Seasons of Marriage" by Gary Chapman. This one is particular is one you should read together (if he is willing).
Don't give up hope. *HUG* Good luck and I hope that things work out for you.

Hi T.,
Thank you for sharing your troubles with your marriage, I know it takes a lot of courage to confront what is happening.
I believe marriages are always worth saving, especially when you have been together so long, and have a beautiful child together, and you are still intimate, which says a lot.
What I have learned in 16 years of marriage is that marriages go through phases. As partners change and evolve, marriages can change too. Who ever stays the exactly the same all through life? But it is worth it to stick it out, because happier days will come and it will be worth it.
One of the best pieces of advice i received was for my husband and I to grant acceptance to one another. So much of marriage is allowing each other to be who we want to be. As long as niether of us is doing something destructive to the marriage then we need to be accepting of who we are.
Every day is a new day to start over, each of you have done things which have caused the marriage to weaken, but you can decide on new ways to communicate without silence, invalidation, or avoidance, and make those policies that you won't break from here on out.
I know you both can save your marriage. It always takes two.
By the way, you didn't say what the sport is that your husband does. What is it?
Warm thoughts of peace and love for your marriage.

Dear T.,
Oh yes, what I have been reading is definitely to be classified as a crisis alright. I am thinking that men are creatures of habit but have wandering thoughts of straying, so it goes back and forth. You are strong and this is not any of your issues, the work thing...the putting your husband in second place thing..by your being dedicated or not dedicated ...on and on, are all of his excuses. Find yourself legal representation and do not allow yourself to be violated by a person that is not commited to his marriage. Marriage counseling with him together and by yourself can be a start to saving this relationship but it is just not your place alone to fix it.
It's ok to be a happy and fulfilled wife, mom, daughter, sister, niece, friend so do not settle for less than you deserve!

I would do everything I could to keep the marriage together. If you go your separate ways, marry other people, you will surprised to find your self int he same situation after 11 years with spouse # 2, won't you?

Also, it would be better for your 8 year old to not disrupt her sense of well being, wouldn't it? After all, you both love each other and are (in the scheme of things) only just kind of tired of one other right now. This is natural after 11 years. It will change, but you have to sick around for it to change. It's not like one of you is beating the other or the child, or gambling, or a criminal, or drug addicted, or whatever else big thing.

Please take time and consider the whole picture, which includes way more than just you and your husband.

I wish you luck - I know it isn't easy!
M.

My husband and I are physically (not legally) separated and it has helped us. It's not really fair because he has escaped some of his responsibilities but it was the only hope to work things out. His self confidence has improved and he is more emotionally stable. However, dating other people is out of the question. I'm keeping our marital vows legal for a reason. We have to fight for our marriage but we need clear boundaries to protect ourselves. Stay strong and keep your chin up. It sounds like there is still a lot of love between you - just make sure that love is also an action.

This is a very involved issue but the only thing I want to say is: let your husband have his sport, whatever it is.

I hate to sound negative, but it sounds to me like he has someone else already or is interested in someone else. Most people if they want to get the passion back will go to counseling or find another way to do this other than separating. If it were me and he was definitely going to do this, I would find a good divorce attorney and end the marriage. If you are in Sacramento, I have one that I would refer to you. I just hate to see you hanging on to something that isn't there.

A lot of married people go through ups and downs... you stick together during the downs and work it out... he is running from the downs which is why I believe there is someone else.

I wish you the best.

Hi T.: I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. After seeing some of the prior responses and reading your situation, I often wonder why men think they can just do whatever they want to, whenever they want to, and expect the ones that care and love them the most to just idly sit back and wait for them to figure out their purpose in life. Why would you want to "date" the man who stated to you he would spend the "rest of his life" with you "TILL DEATH DO US PART". He does sound like he is interested in someone else and wants to check that out and/or wants you to allow him to be able to see whomever else is out there that can "perk his fancy" so to speak. If so, then he needs to step up and divorce so that you and your daughter do not have to deal with the ramifications of his stupidity. You do not deserve any of his actions he is doing, has done, and will do, if he goes out and dates others. But, above all that, your daughter is the innocent one here and she definitely doesn't deserve this.
Tell your hubby to get with you in this marriage or move on without him in you and your daughter's life.
T.