Hi - I posted the question below last year (husband with special event anxiety) and your responses were excellent - just keep re-reading them for encouragement. The issue is that my husband is glum, negative and non-affectionate, especially on special events, especially his birthday and ESPECIALLY when the tow of us are alone. This year I asked him what wants to do on his birthday, so we are going camping with the kids. We will see what happens. It seems that when the kids are there, he is much better. Last night, we went out for a dinner alone for our anniversary and he was the same as usual. Very glum, could not say anything nice or affectionate, etc etc same old scene. I did the same old thing, I slowly became more and more disappointed and by the end of the night confronted him and then he finally said something nice to me (a repeat of what I asked exactly). It is seriously like ground hog day. My update to this issue is, did any of you try to work through this issue in therapy or anything like that? Was it helpful? Right now I'm thinking that I just need to not plan any dinners alone with him. It is a sad fact (and I find it very depressing) but I should not keep repeating this cycle - me having expectations, him having a bad reaction, me being disappointed, etc. It's just not healthy. My current plan is no more dinners alone and no more making a big deal of special events. We actually are planning a weekend away together this summer but I'm thinking about canceling it. Any other ideas? Thanks so much - I really value your wisdom.
BELOW WAS MY POST FROM LAST YEAR (yes, like ground hog day):
I have a wonderful husband that I am usually quite happy with and two young kids. The problem that I have noticed is that my husband seems to always be glum during special events, especially on HIS birthday. And it seems, especially on special events that I have worked hard to plan. I go out of my way to plan a special thing for him - parties, dinner, a boat ride (which he loves), etc. but he always seems down - he makes mean comments and has a glum look on his face. When asked what is giong on, he does not "admit" that his birthday is sad for him, etc. but just denies that anything is wrong. Do any of you have a loved one like this? It is extremely difficult for me to deal with - it is hard for me to get out of "trying to please him" mode. He does have a divorced family so maybe birthdays and other special events bring up old pain? If he would discuss it with me I would feel so much better but he is just glum and does not explain anything. Please send wisdom!!!
If he is good with you at other times then maybe he really just doesn't like that kind of thing. If he is like this otherwise I would suggest couples counseling.
Eh....you know...
Some people just don't like all the fuss.
Some people don't like to be the center of attention.
Just because YOU might like something, doesn't mean HE likes the same thing.
Make sure you're not expecting him to act from a script--like in a movie or a tv show, for goodness sake!
I mean, what you're doing is sweet, but make sure you're not setting the Too High Bar of Expectations right next to the Jump To Conclusions Mat!
I'm guessing this has to do with something sad from his past that gets triggered when a special event comes around. When you work hard and go into "trying to please him mode" it probably makes it worse.
The trigger is his and he gets to choose when and if he is ready to deal with it. Bringing up old pain from the past can be traumatic. Only you husband knows when he is ready to put in the time, effort, and hard work necessary to face his pain. You cannot make him ready.
Give him space. Ask, don't demand that he talk about it. Be open and patient. Make yourself a safe person for him to talk to. Allow him to see a counselor and not share with you if that works better for him.
This is his deal. You might want to see a counselor yourself to help you with your own disappointment over missing out on fun special events. And since he is wonderful the rest of the time, celebrate every other day like it is a special event.
Well....
He apparently does not look forward to or enjoy these types of things.
Sounds like you've given it the college try, and by all means realize it's him and not you.
Do dinner out with a girlfriend now and then, someone you CAN talk to.
With our men, we usually have to decide at one point or another to stop trying to change one of their behaviors to suit our fancy.
I'm sure he has other great traits that you love him for.
When you get out to the campsite and get set up, keep your chin up, make it about you and the kids if he doesnt want to participate. Take your focus off of him and keep telling yourself that YOU are going to have fun whether he does or not. Talk, yack, play, suggest... just pretend he's engaged, ignore his "stick in the mud" ways. Don't get disappointed, act like it's all good, pick up the slack in front of the kids when you have to. If he sees you having fun without him and without you coddling over him and begging/pressuring him to play with you, maybe he'll eventually just do it on his own. If not, oh well. Some day when you are in your rocking chairs at age 80 these things wont seem quite as important.
Oh, boy, I could have written this myself. Unfortunately, I don't have any wisdom, but I live with the same thing. My husband suffers from a combination of anxiety/depression. He's never been "officially" diagnosed, but he has been to couseling. I wish he would get on meds.
We have been on countless dates/special nights/events/anniversary weekends, that have ended in tears because he is so miserable. Our 10th anniversary, we had his sister watch our kids the whole weekend and went to wine country in a B&B. We nearly got divorced that weekend... not exaggerating. I could give lots of examples.
What it comes down to for him is a feeling of unworthiness. He has very low self esteem and doesn't feel like he deserves me, his family...or that he has to live up to some high standard that he can't reach. So on these fun occasions, he gets down on himself for not being good enough. It drives me NUTS.
This might be completely different for you guys, but maybe it will shed a new perspective on your issues. Sorry to hear your going through this. I totally understand.
There are times I'm glad this is an anonymous site. This is one of them.
Are our husbands related? Mine is much like that, too. He is generally negative, although he is better when he invites company over (it helps that *he* invites them, not I).
There isn't a doggone thing I can do to change him. (We have been though some serious counseling, but the counselors couldn't get through to him. I learned some good things, though.) Some of it could be his childhood experiences; some could be his basic nature - his family are all, um, quirky. He make negative remarks, too. Ask him if he likes something, and he automatically says, "No." Other times he'll say nothing. It's as if his knee-jerk reaction is, "Nobody's going to tell me what to like!"
For the grandchildren, he puts the same attitude into his humor. Most times they think he's funny, although it can also make them wonder; sometimes I have to let them know that Papa can be a challenge but we will love him anyway. They'll meet other negative people as they grow up; perhaps this experience will help them deal with others.
Frankly, I have lowered my expectations. I've changed *my* end of the cycle. My husband has an debilitating emotional handicap. He's not going to be the encouraging, positive guy I wish he were. But I deal with it. I make my own life happy; I don't depend on him for that. But happiness is self-made, anyhow, no matter what kind of spouse you have. If I want to do something for him, I do it, and I don't expect appreciative sounds or even looks. The hard part for me is that I have to ask myself (sometimes severely): "Am I doing this for him because he will like it, or because I want good feedback?" When I can get myself out of "What's in it for ME?" I seem to do pretty well.
How is he if you two just go to a regular dinner or lunch, no birthday, no anniversary, no "celebration" just a regular date?
You know, my daughter is 16 and it took me YEARS to figure out why she was always such a grump at her own birthday parties, it turns out she HATES being the center of attention! It took me a long time to understand because she's such a bubbly, sociable girl, but she came out and told me last year, "mom I like parties, but I like OTHER people's parties, I don't like to have parties, I hate all the attention."
Maybe your husband is similar? If yes, then stop trying to make him celebrate his birthday and focus on your day to day relationship instead :)
I so agree with Nancy W., ☆ ★OneAndDone★ ☆ and Grandma T♫ and their advice. This is your husband's deal so make it that and concentrate on you and how you deal with the special occasions.
My ex (and he's not my ex because of this but because he cheated on me) was the type who got angry on special occasions and used to pick an argument so he had an excuse not to participate. I still remember one Christmas together, he tried to argue all day Christmas Eve and Christmas morning and I refused to engage him and he blew up anyway, called my son-in-law and asked if they could pick me up for dinner at my parent's house, he wasn't going. He did this sort of thing every special occasion, anniversaries he tolerated. I learned to expect he would be that way and stopped acknowledging his birthday, (he truly loved that) and planning other celebrations without expecting him to participate.
In his case i was able to figure out where he was coming from...his father left the family when he was quite young, then his mother was murdered when he was 5, leaving him, a brother, 3, and a sister, 1 to be bounced around from relative to relative, never having a loving, happy childhood he could reflect on. Instead he remembered hearing what a burden he and his siblings were, was never made to feel special as all children should, and birthdays and holidays brought the painful memories to the surface. The only time he would act OK was if it was a birthday or some sort of celebration for a young child, otherwise Mr. Angry tried to make life miserable for everyone, because he was.
Sad it is this way for some people, they are so hurt they can't move past those hurts, but it is the way it is.
that sucks, mama. i'm sorry he's such a sourpuss, but glad he's overall a husband you feel is worth hanging onto.
i think you're exactly right to change your expectations. maybe at some point he'll wake up and work harder on his behavior, but in the meantime, i would certainly stop planning no-kids activities on special occasions since they inevitably lead to no fun for you.
don't hang around at home being in a funk either.
what is YOUR fun thing to do? if it were me, i'd take myself and my favorite book to a thumping good restaurant and enjoy the quiet pleasure. but maybe you'd rather get a massage, or go out with your bestie for movie night, or throw the dog in the truck and go for a hike. let him curmudgeon to his heart's content. take care of YOU.
khairete
S.
My husband is like this during the winter holidays mostly. The times I have tried to go on and plan as if he wont participate he gets upset about that too. (You dont care you just forgot about me!) *sigh*
I don't have any new advice, but I empathize.
Is it just his birthday or all special events - Christmas, other's birthdays, etc? If it's just his then I would assume he's just feeling negative about the passing of time - feeling old(er). If it's more than that then there is something more and he needs to work on it. I know you say you just aren't going to plan any one on one events but what about when your kids are gone? When I got married, the best advice I got was to make sure not to neglect my husband (and him me) b/c the kids come and go but your spouse is supposed to be for life. How happy will you be in your golden years married to a miserable lump who you can't stand doing anything with? Just food for thought. Good luck.
I understand and empathize with you on the holiday/birthday-thing. My DH just doesn't get the whole holiday or birthday thing.
Growing up they never really celebrated birthdays and not much money for other holidays.
I had to realize that in our marriage I am not going to get presents on holidays...or even a card. I did put my foot down about my birthday, that he better get me at least a card...he doesn't have to get a present but he does have to take the time to find me a card.
Once we had kids...I plan all the holiday events...I plan the kids birthday party's and buy the gifts...I buy the kids a treat for Valentines day, stuff from the Easter bunny, I handle Halloween costumes and trick or treating, I buy the kids Christmas presents... I NEVER EVER TAKE HIM SHOPPING WITH ME FOR THESE EVENTS. He will say I am spending too much when I am not and that the kids don't need anything for the "fill in the blank" holiday.
What does concern me about your post is that my husband and I regularly enjoy evenings eating out without the kids (we have one planned tonight for our anniversary...I got no card or present, but we are going to dinner). Can you guys ever go out to eat alone without him being grumpy?
I will tell you last year I didn't get my husband a birthday card or present for the first time ever...and he seemed relieved...we did I believe go to dinner...but I didn't try and make him have a birthday. He was just fine.
Maybe next year give him what he seems to want...do not anything for his birthday, I know it goes against everything in my system to not get my husband and card or gift...but it makes him happy. Then just take charge of the other events and do them up the way you want them.
Sending you a big hug!!!
Hi, C.:
Do you have any idea what you promised at the altar on your wedding day?
Sexual intimacy is a duty. The Bible says that part of our covenant commitment to each other in marriage is the promise that we will serve our mates sexual needs. Unselfishness is the Key to Great Sex. A healthy sexual relationship in marriage is protection for your relationship, helping men and women guard their hearts against emotional adultery, pornography, and other temptations. The Bible calls you to enjoy great sex in marriage, and it even tells you how to do it. Christ wants you to protect your marriage, to put your spouse above yourself, and to be free to joyfully receive what He's given you. Sex within marriage is one of His greatest gifts. Have and hold, just as you promised, and enjoy one another!
Good luck.
D.
