How Would You Feel If Your Husband Did Absoutely Nothing for Your Birthday?

I tell my husband exactly what I would like for my birthday, where to buy it, how much it should cost, and I plan where I would like to go for dinner and tell him where he will be taking me. I couldn't care less if he remembers on his own.

So you got him exactly what he asked for, what did you ask for?

Well looking at the other answers, if my husband asks for nothing he gets nothing, and if I ask for nothing I get nothing. I would never get mad because he didn't read my mind or remember I was upset the year before.

This year I remembered his birthday right up until the day, then I forgot, so I texted him happy birthday at about eleven. I didn't do anything else because he didn't appear to need anything else. He remembered my birthday before we left for work so I got happy birthday in person. Beyond that nothing because we communicated nothing.

Some people have a really hard time remembering things like that, try putting a reminder on his phone if it is something that is important to you.

I guess people are different.
We DO make a big deal out of birthdays so I would be flabbergasted if my husband forgot it.
That said, what did your husbands family do for bdays? If not much, them I'll bet he has no idea you expect something.
Look, O. thing I'll tell you (especially when you have wee ones, make your own plans for your special days! "Hon, moms watching the kids so we can go to XYZ for dinner on Saturday for my birthday. I've been wanting to try it." Or "let's take the kids to the park Sunday afternoon, then we'll come home & make some pasta for dinner. I'll pick up a few cupcakes--that's how I want to spend my birthday."
Men really suck at reading minds.
Usually they're grateful for a lead and direction. (Sorry, boys! It's true more often than not!)
Happy Birthday!

About 10 years ago I came to terms with the notion that birthdays and anniversaries aren't big deals in my husband's book. I lowered my expectations and have felt satisfied with my birthday ever since. I look at all the other things in our lives to know he loves and appreciates me.

My Birthday is 12-24, our wedding anniversary was 1-4, if you include Valentine's, Mother's Day, and Christmas times the 5.5 yrs we were married if my ex-husband remembered to get me a gift or a card or even acknowledge me in any way I think I got maybe 5 gifts. His b-day is in July I would invite the family his and mine over for dinner, make a cake, do all the cooking and clean-up by myself. And he couldn't be bothered to acknowledge me
.And he wonders why he is my EX!!!!!

An Ex-boyfriend also wonders why he's an ex ---- Well he couldn't spell my name and yes my real name is R. and his birthday is in July so his birthstone is a R.!!!!! It was not just that he also never acknowledged my feelings. I had a very stressfull year between Feb of '94 to March of '95. First my aunt died, I had a miscarriage, my brother was killed in a car accident and then 3 other people died. When I told him I needed some emotional support he asked me if I was becoming a basket case and needed to be signed into a mental hospital.

Some men never get it we need to be acknowledged.

So for 5 years he has been this way?
What about when you were just dating? Did he ever do anything for you on your special day?
If not, then it should not be a surprise that he ignores that special day for you.

TELL him.
TELL him it hurts and makes you mad.
TELL him.
Say it in a calm but direct manner.
Don't hope, he will read your mind.
Husband's can't read your mind.
Tell him, and then go take yourself out. And leave him home with the kids.
And don't feel bad about it.

Don't mope.
Tell him, in a mature manner.

You say he was always romantic up until a year ago. What happened a year ago? What changed? That might help to figure out what's going on with him.

I refuse to be a victim or be sad on my birthday, so I never, ever let anybody forget it. Nobody cares about your birthday as much as you do. I realized that very early. So I do a countdown (kinda silly I know, but it works), and tell people what I'd like for a gift (I always pick something cheap and easy for my kids), and I make plans to do something with my family and tell everybody what they are and what time it's occurring.

I have never been disappointed on my birthday since doing this, because everybody knows we'll be doing something, and everybody remembers to wish me a happy day. I know you can't fix this year, but do this next year and I promise you won't be disappointed. It sure beats feeling sorry for yourself on what should be the best day of the year! Happy belated birthday by the way!

Since he forgot last year, did you remind him this year, but he still did nothing. or were you testing him,or setting him up for failure?

I have learned that men, are not women. They do not think like women, they do not have priority or expectations like women.

They are very black and white, no hidden agendas.

And so if you want something you have to say it, ask for it or get it yourself.

They hate being set up to then be caught and chastised.

My husband also has ADHD so time and dates mean nothing to him. Over the years I have learned that having to remind him, does not mean he does not love me, or that I am not important to him, he just cannot remember. With technology, things have gotten better, and once we had our daughter things got WAY better, because she would remember all of the important dates, remind him to purchase, cards, gifts, plan to go out etc..

Accept who your husband is and work with it. This is one of the secrets to marriage.

The first year I would probably be hurt. The second, I would take it upon myself to buy myself an awesome gift. To be honest, I buy myself an awesome gift anyways. It just takes the pressure off my poor husband, who usually ends up getting me something I'm not crazy about. My birthday is all about me. That's the point. Splurge on yourself (and happy belated birthday!).

My husband loves mushy cards. So, I get a card that is over the top every holiday. Yet, when I had a sprained back and neck for 6 months, I wanted somebody in to help me clean once a month. And there was no chance of this ! He grew up in a not so clean house. The cleaning is not a big deal to him--at all. No cleaning lady for me.

I think it all depends on the husband !

Tell him that you want to go away for a long weekend next yr on your B-Day !

Does he like to celebrate his B-Day?

I LOVE my B-day and my husband could care less about his---except I have to buy a mushy card. He could care less about a cake, gift or party.

Happy belated Birthday !

While my husband and I take delight in celebrating life on any day we want, we don't pin expectations on any calendar dates. I do get him a birthday gift, most years, but some years I really lose track of the time. I've forgotten his BD (as well as my own) several times. For us, it's no big deal.

I guess the problem I have with expecting gifts – actually 2 problems:

1. Disappointment is so common. Forgotten dates, or gifts that don't please the receiver and therefore also disappoint the giver;

2. If a gift is expected, it's no longer freely, heartfully given. It becomes something more like a tax. And a "required" gift doesn't please the receiver, as much, either, does it? So much better to have a spontaneously-offered gift that comes from the heart. And so much more delightful to give that way.

It could be, K., that you're not feeling cared about enough. One day a year won't fix that. But feelings are feelings, and stuffing them isn't going to improve anything for you, individually or as a couple. If you have high hopes for this day, and they are dashed, you'd be doing both your husband and yourself a favor by talking that through, hopefully calmly and with love and humor. Keep it in terms of what you need, what you wish for, and avoid cornering him with complaints and accusations, which will make most any husband defensive.

Happy birthday. May you have a good year.

Time to tell him that he has to honor your birthday or sleep on the couch for a while.

K., this man has to be TAUGHT. Stop getting your feelings hurt. Get mad. Demand a late birthday present - fancy dinner, movie, night at a hotel, whatever floats your boat. If he balks about the money, tell him TOO BAD. He pays a penalty for forgetting your birthday and acting like you don't matter. If he forgets or gets you nothing, he will still have to take you out and it will cost him more.

I promise if you make him squirm over this, he will change his tune. And next year, REMIND him the week before that it will be your birthday and give him a list of things for him to choose from that you like...

I would probably be the guilty party in this offense if hubby and I hadn't gotten married on his birthday. Truth is last year I did forget his birthday because he made such a big deal out of our anniversary I just naturally thought he didn't want to focus on his birthday. I was so wrong. LOL

I learned from bing single for so long to NEVER entrust my personal happiness to another person. I always celebrate me.

It sounds like there may be some other things going on with your husband. My wise wife mentors taught me about how to deal with disappointment and getting a husband to make some adjustments. You have to know how to effectively communicate with your husband. You also have to know how to encourage and inspire him to greatness. Some of my wise wife mentors have been here where husband's forget birthday's and anniversary's too. They don't take it personally because they know their husbands don't mean them intentional harm. They also have told me stories of getting secretaries, staff and the children involved in the art of the reminder. Also 1 wife married for over 40 years said she almost always sends a gift for her to his job for him to present to her on her birthday. It's now like a running joke in their marriage that she has to do this but there are no hard feelings.

Long story short. You have to figure out how to deal the gaps between what you need and what you want. Such is life. I hope this helps. As for my husband, he was disappointed and I will do better this year.

Lastly how about putting reminders in his phone.

My husband isn't too great with birthdays. It was the way he was raised. Birthdays are just another day. He would maybe get a cake with family growing up. So, really to him birthdays are not a big deal. For me, birthdays are a BIG deal. I love having parties and love to do something special. But, it's hard for my husband. He has no idea what to do. I have to help him and I have learned in our 12 years of marriage that I just need to help him out and give him hints.

Some of you need to reread her post. She did remind him.

I broke with a person who did nothing for my birthday. No, it was not a spouse, but that's just how seriously I feel about neglect.

some people are just forgetful. it's hard to tell from your post whether he's one of these, or whether he was quite aware of your birthday and just chose to ignore it.
and you do sound a tad passive-aggressive. just a tad. if you knew he's liable to let it slide, letting him know EMPHATICALLY beforehand would be better than just expecting and then being disappointed.
'hon, my birthday is tuesday. i'd like to make reservations at the hilltop. how does 7 o'clock sound? and if you need ideas, the beatles box-set would be a hit.'
you obviously take good care of him on his birthdays, and it's not unreasonable to expect a little pampering. but no one likes to be forced into it. try to keep it light, and expectations reasonable.
now, if he's stingy and cavalier about your feelings in all facets of your life, that's a different story. but if it's just a birthday thing, try to recognize that not everyone looks at it the same way.
khairete
S.

Two years ago, my hubby completely forgot my birthday. He didn't wish me a happy b-day until that evening when I made the comment in reference to having had a flat tire on the freeway that day "Happy birthday to me." Hubby almost fell on the floor realizing that the entire day had gone by without him even acknowledging my birthday.

I always get him a gift for his b-day; and fix his favorite dinner and then of course there's lots of lovin' that night. But for mine, he wishes me a happy b-day in the morning and that's about the extent of it.

I don't make a big deal out of my birthday so why should I expect him to. It did hurt my feelings that he forgot ALL DAY, but I'm in my mid-50's and have learned to suck it up and not equate a forgotten birthday with how my hubby feels about me and our marriage.

My husband is not the type to remember or celebrate my birthday...he never has been and never will be...

I tell him a card is not an option he will get me a card...as his team player for life...the least he can do is a card...at least three years out of 18 he has left the house at ten pm or later to go buy me a card when I asked for it at bedtime. One year it was after midnight and he got me both a happy birthday and a belated birthday card. He has a sense of humor like that.

I buy my own gift and I buy my own flowers and then thank him for them...I do the finances so I know what we can afford.

He is just that way...and I can after 17 years of marriage get mad a at him and be a victim and sulk OR I can buy my own celebration and hold him accountable for a card.

I would be hurt. And mad. My husband has done that same thing. I always made a big deal about his and each year he just wanted til the day of and then would say sort of sheepishly "oh I guess I should have planned something what do you want to do?" By then I would be upset and didn't want to do anything. A few years ago I stopped doing stuff for him on his birthday, fathers day etc. He is a little better about it now.

I'm a little surprised by your responses. Your birthday comes once a year. It's not sweetest day (hallmark holiday in my book).
We don't do a lot of gifts between the two of us, and mine is ADHD too. However-if he didn't acknowledge my bday (even If it was just a note left b4 work). I'd be perplexed.
A close friend of mine and myself have a small debate going on about this. She feels it's silly for him to go out and buy something because they do stuff for each other all the time.
I feel that it is good for the kids if WE acknowledge each other at holidays. They should see that we give each other bday and Christmas presents. Even if it's homemade. I feel they should see our effort.
Mine might give me an anniversary card ( 4 my bday) and a vase of tacky fake flowers, but the effort is still appreciated.
So, I would feel rather slighted with his minimal effort.

My birthday is the only holiday I celebrate. As long as I have no objection--and I don't--my husband demands to have me to himself at dinner on the day of. Twice we've included our young son. If I want something else, I use my words and say it. One year, I put him in charge of making a big deal of it. I said the words out loud to him. I didn't just say, "Hey--hint, hint--my birthday is coming up." I said something more like, "This is what I want to do this year, and this is the role that I want you to play in it."

Not everyone's personality will allow them to "make demands" like that, but you'd better learn to ask for what you want. Even if you say, "I want you to come up with something special for my birthday this year," tell him something besides that your birthday is coming up. That way, you don't spend a year moping about it and applying the pressure of Jedi-mind-willing him to make up for it next time.

You do for him what YOU want for yourself, and he does for you what is fine in his book. Contrary to popular belief, it is not reasonable to expect people to think and behave like you do, even your spouse. You cannot reasonably apply your expectations to someone else based on what you came up with in your own head. If it's important to you, say straight out, "THIS is important to me."

I would be pissed off, for sure.

Next year, I would start reminding him ahead of time, depending upon his schedule. 1-2 weeks at least. But be very clear what sort of things you like and don't like. Simple....card and restaurant? Then tell him which restaurant you've been wanting to go to and you'll arrange for a sitter for the kids. Local theatre? Then ask him which show you think you both can make it to. Don't sit around and pretend he'll figure it out and surprise you. If you stay on top of it, chances he will too.

In addition, make sure you role model to your own children how you like to be treated, by treating your husband with the same attention. Take them shopping for cards, or make cards together, or order pictures, or decorate the house for him, and ask him in front of the kids what he would like to do for his birthday so you can start planning ahead.

Silence never works with guys. Give them 2 options, Plan A or Plan B? Which do you prefer? Then over the years, your husband will start to look forward to the happy day :)

And you might learn that it's not a big event for him. My husband loves big mushy cards. I don't. I'm from a big family where I was lucky to get a birthday cake, no present. He wants to eat at fancy restaurant every birthday. We've learned to accept what the other one enjoys. Pretty simple.

I'm with Swim Sallly...that was really crappy!!!

My dh's family growing up didn't do much for b-days and neither did mine. He usually offers to take me out to dinner, but I honestly don't like to go out unless it's a weekend. He usually gets a card and that's about it.
I'm okay with it. I don't do much for his either.

Since he can't remember, then pick your own gift, and take yourself and a couple of girlfriends out to dinner while he stays home with HIS kids. Announce it to him, and then say thanks. Then BE SURE TO HAVE A FUN TIME! and Happy Birthday!

We don't get emotionally attached to Hallmark days. We do things for each other during the other 364 days of the year and don't focus on 1 day with undivided attention and gifts. If we see something we need or want we get it for each other when it's needed.

That said.... If you have expectations for Hallmark days, you need to communicate that with those you want to recognize you on that day.

No one can read your mind. Communicate.

Happy Belated birthday!

I really don't have this problem. Hubby and I have the same birthday so its hard for him to forget mine!

That being said, I think it is sad that husbands and wives don't remember birthdays or at least when we tell them it is important to us it should then be important to them.

I'm blessed. My 50th was Sunday. My husband took me to Rome to celebrate.

I'm so sorry your husband doesn't treat you as he should.

Awfully neglected and certainly angry...

I like my birthday (more than any other day: Mother's Day, Valentine's
Day etc) so I always do things for myself on this day.
I've always done this. For years. I would buy myself flowers, buy my
favorite takeout, go for a walk etc. Ever since I was about 18. My mom
always made our brithdays special so I try to do that for our kids.
Once I was telling my hubby my birthday was coming up & he said "What
are you? Five?). I laughed & learned right then.....he's just not that type
I don't care, I treat myself. My friends call me, they send me cards, call
me etc.
Take pleasure in the things you DO get, make yourself happy, do for
yourself & ask hubby if he'll take you to lunch where you want to go.
I ask my hubby to take me to lunch on that day or around there to a place
of my choosing. I never make it very expensive or anything, I just like to
go to certain places. It's fun.
Life is short, be happy & do for yourself. Best wishes!

That's almost exactly what he DID this year.

Our anniversary is two days before my birthday. The kids, 10 and 7, told me happy birthday more than once throughout the day. He said it once, right before we went to bed. His excuse: I didn't want to be part of the crowd.

The day of our anniversary he took me to go see the new Captain America movie. It was all right, but I'm 8 months pregnant and those seats weren't the most comfortable. Then he made me pick which Willow Tree Figurine I wanted for combined birthday/anniversary.

HE wanted to see the movie, so I'm not even counting that as part of the "celebrations". The Willow Tree was less than $20. I'm still very disappointed, and he thinks he did a wonderful job at both. It's not even worth saying anything to him about it either.

Oh, and for HIS birthday a month before, I took him to Home Depot and told him to pick whatever grill he wanted. It wound up being $250 or so.

I would feel pretty mad. And he would never do *nothing* because I usually tell him how we will be celebrating and what I want him to get me a week or so in advance. If I gave him zero guidance, I have faith he would come up with a card and gift. But that's probably it.

My Bday was earlier this month actually. I told hubs I needed new athletic shoes and a new camera. Told him we were going to my parents for dinner (I share the Bday with my pops) and that at some point before that I was going by myself to get a starbucks and a pedicure. Also asked him to take our older daughter to the morning church activity instead of me. All of it happened because I made it happen (well, he bought the two gifts and wrapped them himself, he does have some pride and lucky for me he likes to shop when he has an exact assignment).

Just tell him what you plan to do that day, or what you need him to do for you. Then if he doesn't follow through you can really get your feelings hurt. Oh and it helps if the bday demands are things that don't require too much advance planning or effort on his part Eg, "bye, I am going to get my pedicure now. See ya" or "look what you got me for my birthday, this lovely new bag!"

Oh and it'll be the same thing in reverse a month from now for his. I'll ask what he wants or wants to do and just do it. Last year he wanted a new grill. He went out on his own and picked it out that day. Happy Birthday, love me :)

It sucks, it hurts...and I have still not forgiven him.

He was working out of town and I didn't hear from him the entire day (but that is normal). No happy birthday, no sorry I forgot, nothing at all. Unfortunately this is just one of the many things wrong in our marriage :(

For some reason, I still think that he will change and do something. I never get any presents for any holidays. Unless its something entirely clueless on his part, like a pen. I guess nothing is better than that ;)

My DH forgot my birthday last year and it about tore me up inside. Men don't remember little dates like women can, they are not capable of having a good memory (poor souls). Get a calendar and write down all important dates and show it to him so he can remember and if he still forgets then he is being a selfish insensitive man and maybe from here on out you shouldn't expect to be recognized on your special day, so don't recognize his special day. That is really mean! Especially for a husband! so sorry.

That smarts. How about a wedding anniversary of 25 years? Well, mine forgot. When my daughter asked her dad did x amount of years ago. It finally sank in. But he stayed in the doghouse for several years.

Now mind you he was a long distance truck driver at the time and they usually get their days, weeks, months and hours mixed up. Somewhere along the line he got a new phone with jingles for birthdays and anniversaries to keep him on track.

Yes, birthdays are important more so for the one having the birthday. As we get older it is nice to be remembered but things do change in life and sometimes we don't want to remember how much older we are getting. It is not fair for hubby to get all he wants and you get nothing. Perhaps a trip to the marriage counselor is in order.

Enjoy your day next year or with a group of friends. I certainly would not go all out over his birthday for the next few years. Let it be a lean learning time for him.

Happy belated birthday. Have a toast of wine for me at the dinner.

the other S.

Seems like something happened in your relationship if this is a recent change. Personally I would buy myself some expensive flowers to be delivered to the house, and maybe a big gift wrapped all nice in the living room. Don't worry about the budget, he could have set one if he had paid for them himself. Then I'd open them in front of him and say: "Oh my! I wonder who could have given me these wonderful things?! oh look a card! Sorry I forgot your birthday... from.... It was me! How thoughtful!" Maybe that's a little passive aggressive, but I never said I was a nice or pleasant person.

Your post title screams drama queen, sorry to say. I was on your husband's side until the part where you wrote you reminded him about your birthday the week before. Then I was on your side. Husbands definitely need reminders, and you reminded him, which was great. I am sorry he forgot despite your reminder. If he is a good husband and father otherwise, I would let it go, but have a brief chat with him about it, telling him you hope this will not continue to be a pattern. Good luck on baby number 3!

The same way I do every year.

I always tell my kids that you can't change people but you can change the way you react to other people. Allow yourself to feel hurt (as you should), express your feelings to him and tell him why you feel hurt. And then make the decision what you want to do next. You can either hold onto the anger or let it go. But either way, you can make a conscious decision to do either one.

And if it was me...I would probably take his phone and put daily reminders in it for at least two weeks before...and for the fun of it, I might even put in a reminder that goes off every hour the day before the birthday and the day of!!! :) Make it easy for him to succeed. If you really want to have some fun, you might even add in a gift idea! haha

Good luck with the baby!!!

It would make me feel like it was another day and anther year in my life. Never once has my husband done anything for my birthday.

Totally not okay.
This was not a forgotten birthday people. He acknowledged the birthday but did nothing special for you. That does not make one feel cherished, special, or loved. I would like to validate your hurt.

there are many of us on here, myself included, that at times, insist our husbands don't do anything for us on a special day (not because we don't ever want them to do special things for us, but just because sometimes we recognize life if hectic and we want to take the stress of them and give them a break. I don't know why so many equate that with what happened to you. Its so not the same thing. He neither forgot (since you say he acknowledged your birthday), nor had express permission not to do anything for you. In fact, he had last year to make up for. Right? I totally get what you are trying to say; its the thought that counts. Little gift, big gift, a dinner date or just a sweat card- you just want to feel cherished by your husband! Its not complicated!

So is your husband a bone head, or is something wrong with the relationship? You will need to get to the bottom of that. Don't act out passively aggressively like many immature woman on this site are recommending. You will need to bring it up with him and have a grown up conversation about it. Find ways to do it that don't put him on the defense and you will get further. Be open and transparent about how it made you feel. It seems you already did this, but my philosophy is always to ask for what you need. Skip the pouting, cold shoulder, guilt-tripping and be transparent about your hurt and your needs.
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Do yourself a favor, order yourself the book, The 5 love languages. While reading the book you are encouraged to rank your love languages form least to most important (physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time). I'd say, "hey honey, for my belated birthday, will you buy me this book and read it with me?"