Husband Does Not Want Another Child - Bedminster,NJ

I couldn't have & raise another child ( if I wanted O.) if I knew my husband was set against it. I think I agree with the poster that said this is O. question where NO trumps YES every time.
Good luck.

I'm opposite! I want an adopted child. I guess I feel I could him him/her so much love and support, so why not? Husband won't consider it. We have a lot of biological kids. Been through speech delay. Special needs does not worry me. I'd actually welcome an adopted special needs child with needs I could handle. The community has lots of support.

AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:

Honestly you sound like a "me, me, me" person, thinking of ONLY what YOU want. Perhaps it's a good idea that you don't have more children because you could very well get a "biological", special needs child. That would be a very demanding and selfless job. After what you've told us you went through with your first "biological" child, it seems like you might no be up to the task.

If you want another child more then you want your husband, you'll need to divorce and find a man who want's children and will accept a stepchild.

If your home is as happy, stable and wonderful as you say, then enjoy the child and husband you have and don't create a problem where none exist.

If your Husband does not want another child, and you do, and you both cannot come to terms with your differences, then it will affect your marriage. Because "resentment" will occur.

When a woman's child, becomes older and starts to grow up... often times, a woman/Mom will get hankerings to have another baby. They "miss" the babyhood of their child. It is a rite of passage. My youngest is now 6. And its sorta bittersweet seeing him grow up. I miss him, as a baby. But I KNOW... that having another baby, will not fix those feelings. Because, I have to resolve that, within myself. And I have. You have to just come to terms with it.

My son, had a speech delay. He had early intervention from about 19 months old until he was almost 3. And I NEVER... considered him to be "special needs." The Speech Therapist never even considered him "special needs." It was not a hard stressful time. He was just speech delayed. And his overall developmental assessment was fine. But he is now the most talkative one in our family. In fact, my son loved his speech therapy and it was a fun thing... for him and I. My son still remembers it fondly.

I had my son, when I was older than you and your Husband.
And it was fine.

But the bottom-line is: Your Husband does not want another child. You can try and convince him or force him to. But that will not change his mind. Or you can figure out, if your wanting to have another baby is because your son is growing up. Or if you simply want a bigger family.
But still, the bottom line is: your Husband does not want another child.
So there is no way to have another child, unless you get pregnant by mistake. But, how would your Husband handle that? He might accuse you of getting pregnant sneakily.
Are you using birth control?
Your Husband seems very set against having another child.

I know how you feel. My son will be 5 next month. Like yours, he had/has some issues that made these early years very challenging. I would very much like another child, but my husband really does not, and I know a large part of that is he fears a combination of our ages (I turn 40 next year; he already is) and past experience gives a greater chance of a special needs child.

I've had to come to accept and enjoy the family we have and not mourn for the family we could be. We love each other but life is not easy. I know that and I need to work to make this one the best we can have, with what we have.

I have many friends that talked their significant others into another child. I just can't do that. It seems that should be a decision everyone wants not someone settles for. I understand that means the person wanting a new child doesn't get what he/she wants, either.

We are finally selling all of the toys/gear/clothes my son has outgrown. Breaks my heart a bit as I was saving them for #2 and now that chance really is over. But I love the three of us and need us to be strong. And with the extra cash we make, I plan to buy the family something to enjoy together!

Good luck. I hope whatever happens brings your family (of 3 or more) peace.

This is a serious division in your marriage. You need to look deep inside and find if this is a decision you can live with. If it is very very important to you then it will eat you up inside.

My friend wanted more children and her hubby said no. They talked and talked about it and finally he decided to get a vasectomy. She signed for him to do it.

BUT she was bitter deep inside and everything from that point forward was doomed. She could not live with that decision. She truly wanted more children. So they divorced several years later.

She is remarried and has 2 more wonderful children. She is older now and has more experience in raising a child and actually is doing a MUCH better job this time around.

So if you really really are wanting a larger family then you have to make hubby see this is THIS important to you. You have to dig deep and make sure it is something that you can accept and find a resolution to.

I hope that either way, with a larger family or just this perfect one, that you'll find the peace and knowledge of what you are to do.

Regarding your SWH..... WOW. I don't get it. That sounds more like a ME issue and what I want vs any other options.

My brother and SIL became foster parents with no intention of adopting but they ended up adopting the first baby they had because they realized.... She's not bio ours but she's a gift from God. That little girl is almost 6 now and amazing! Open your heart.
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You said yourself... you have a wonderful, stable home and almost perfect child! That is fantastic and something to be proud of.

I am a bit different because I felt complete (and still do almost 18 yrs later)with 1 child by choice as did hubby so I have never mourned not being pregnant again or gone through the feelings of wishing for more children. I feel SO blessed with my daughter and I am confident we are preparing her for her future well via stability with family/emotionally as well as financially. Our feelings have never wavered as far as feeling that our family is complete with our team of 3. Keep the negative stigma's of "only' out of your head because people have a tendancy to prejudge. I find it amusing when people have prejudged my daughter because she has learned how to play those prejudgements to her advantage beautifully and I enjoy watching the reaction of those who prejudge.

As for having more, BOTH parties need to be on the same page or there will eventually be resentment, etc. Communication is a HUGE key here. You must express all of your feelings with each other. Of course he may be concerned with special needs, or going through a rough time as you all did with your son. He may also be concerned with providing what he needs to provide for his family so that you remain stable.

I understand you feel sad but look at the positive side of what you have and make the best family you can with what you have now. Your son needs to continue to see the stability in your family. Don't let your mourning of not having another get in the way of being the best mom you can be to your sweetheart boy now.

You can always re-visit the conversation months later and see if you feelings have changed between either of you.

I have witnessed marriages fall apart because the mom knows hubby does not want more and she plans an "accident". Please communicate with your husband and be honest and don't fall into that trap which can easily end up in huge resentments and divorce.

Men do not like change. When my husband and I got together, I told him I wanted kids, and if he didn't, he should tell me before I go emotionally invested. We have a 5 year old and about a year ago I was talking about when we would have another one and he said he didn't think he wanted any more and I should be happy because we had one already. I told him he promised me kids, not kid, and if he was serious he needed to tell me because I wasn't wasting the rest of my childbearing years on him. I usually don't believe in ultimatums, but I know I was meant to be a mother and only having one child was never in my life plan. I have always been honest with him about this.

We spent hours after that talking and part of his fear was that everything was going really well with the one we have, he has a special needs brother and doesn't want a special needs child, and he's afraid he won't love another one as much as he does the first. We looked seriously at our finances and decided in May or so when we've paid off some big bills, we'll try for another baby.

You need to carve out time with no interruptions, either after your son goes to bed, or have someone watch him for you, and talk to your husband honestly. If you really want another child, he needs to hear your side as well. Maybe you'll come out of that conversation with the decision not to have any more children, maybe not. But you need to talk to him openly and honestly, otherwise this is something that could fester and cause contention in your marriage.

Well, this one needs to be an all or nothing type deal. Both parents have to be on board. The best you can do is make your case for another child and try to convince him. If he still doesn't budge and you are happy otherwise, you have to find a way to be at peace with this.

I think you both need to realize that a speech delay is NOT special needs. Especially since he talks fine now at 4 1/2 he was probably just a bit slow to mature in that area. A true speech problem just isn't solved that quickly. I'm a speech therapist and there are kids with true speech issues that take years to correct, but MOST kids are like your son. They are behind, the parents worry like crazy, after a few months to a even a year or two they are talking great. Thing is, studies have shown in control groups that these same type of issues naturally resolve themselves without therapy. So chances are if he wasn't in therapy he would still be talking fine. So definitely not special needs and nothing to worry about and keep your husband from wanting another one. So discuss this with your husband and if that is what is holding him back he may be able to look at it through different eyes. If not, just keep the dialog going in a non pressure way. He may change his mind after a year or so. Don't harp on it, but every so often give it some thought. I also don't know if you are religious or not, but is you are, encourage him to pray about it and see what feelings he get.

Are the risks of a special needs child the only (or at least heavily the primary) reason that he is saying no? You could consider adoption, taking a toddler (age 1.5 - 2) who you can tell is developmentally on track. I realize this probably isn't the way you envision expanding your family, but it might help resolve some of your reservations.

I am with you. For various reasons, my DH does not want another child, either. It is very sad to me, but I have tried to focus on the child I do have, as it is not worth it to me to break up our family for a maybe baby. It's hard to not have another kid (he has three, including DD, so his perspective is different) but the child I have is my priority. I have friends who cannot have more children and they both want more and I think that's even harder. Try to find peace. For me, it was important to feel heard and understood, even if the answer was still no.

This is always a question where "no" trumps "yes." Hard to hear, but it's true. If it were the other way around, and he wanted the child but you did not, then your "no" would be the deciding factor. A child who is not wanted from the outset by both parents is a child set up to be resented by the parent who was the "no" vote -- even if that parent does indeed love the child dearly once it's here. That love risks being mingled with some regrets and possible resentments.

Your husband is concerned about having a special needs child (I assume you had a real discussion over this and he said so out loud and you're not just assuming that -- correct? If you're assuming it -- he needs to articulate his reasons for you, so you aren't guessing). Could it also be that, at nearly 38, he is seeing that if you have another infant now, you will be pushing your own retirements back that many years later? That it will be years longer before the two of you and your son are able to go out and do things easily and on the spur of the moment? (That can happen readily with one child as the child gets older, but with a younger child in tow you will be limited years longer.) Could he possibly be feeling that he truly is happy and complete as things are but he sees ahead to having two college tuitions to pay, etc. and that stresses him? (Yes, it IS legitimate to worry about the finances of having other children.)

And have you, yourself, thought through any of those things? Have you thought through the scenario of your older child raring to go, start school, get involved in activities that send him here and there with you chauffeuring him and hoping to volunteer and be present in his activities and at school? You won't be able to do all that with a younger child. Just something to think about: What do you want your level of activity with your son to be like? If you want to be very involved in his doings and interests and schooling, it IS possible to do that with other kids -- but it's not as easy.

I admit I'm writing this as a parent of just one kid, now 11, but I've observed for her whole life how hard it can be for families to juggle the activities, schooling and financing for more kids. Two is more doable than three or more, I'm sure, but I just wanted to offer some things to consider. Some families really are not done at one and that's fine for them; others like ours are "one and done" and very happy that way.

And finally -- why do you want another child? You don't tell us here. You mention your ages, so maybe the bio clock is ticking in your ear, but that alone is not a reason to have a child. And if you are thinking "my son needs a playmate and/or lifetime friend" please don't -- that's definitely no reason to have a child, since many siblings are not close and never will be.

Can you focus more on your family as it is and embrace the great things about being a parent of one? Does the desire for a child who does not exist take precedence over your husband and child who are here, now? If the answer to the latter question is yes -- then you and your husband might need a counselor to help you work through what you will do next.

There are a lot of reasons to have or not have another child.
Some will say you'll never regret having another one.
(That's not always true - I know a few people who have some regrets that they didn't stop before they knew what difficult REALLY meant.
I have a girlfriend who had such an easy time with their first (boy) and then they had a girl which was very fussy and high maintenance. My friend said if the girl had been the first, she would have been the last!).
Some want siblings to be best friends for life.
(This sometimes works out but just as often the kids fight bitterly and hate each other for life. It's hard for everyone living in a constant battle zone, kids and parents alike.).
There's the cost/expense, the splitting of resources and attention, putting another child through college and saving for retirement at the same time.
Ask your husband if he wants a vasectomy.
You might as well save the cost of birth control if he doesn't want any more.
If he waffles on having it done - maybe he's not so certain about his own feelings about it and you can talk about it and weigh the pros and cons.

In our family - 2nd children have been a disaster for 2 generations.
(My Mom and her younger brother, myself and my younger sister.)
My sister and I fought like cats and dogs and still do not get along after 50 years.
The only thing we COULD agree on was - siblings are torture - and each of us has only one child - we just love our individual kids too much to put them through what we went through growing up and fighting/bickering/competing all the time.

Even with one child - they only get busier the older they get.
School, projects, field trips, band, sports, friends, play dates, the teen age years, teaching him/her to drive, dating - it is ALWAYS something and there's never a dull moment!

You can be depressed about this, or you can look for the silver lining.
Sometimes we're about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My youngest child is 17. I have a baby grandson.
I had a hysterectomy when my son was a year old.

Call me crazy, but my kids were 10 years apart and every now and then I think I would love to have another baby. I'm turning 50 in December, it's physically impossible for me to have another child, but that doesn't mean I don't get those pangs every now and then. I'm realistic, I don't get depressed about it or anything, but I'd be lying if I said it never crossed my mind.

I think if one person in a marriage wants another child and the other one doesn't, you have to defer to the one who doesn't. That might not seem fair, but what if you didn't want another baby and your husband wanted to force the issue? You have the right to decide if you want to put your body through all of that, right? Well, men don't carry the babies, but they should have some say in the whole thing as well, especially if the pressure to provide for the children financially is all on their shoulders. Especially if they've been through a difficult pregnancy or birth with their wives or health worries with the children they already have.

You brought up the subject. Maybe he will roll the idea around for a while. For now, I wouldn't push the subject.

My husband was 10 years older than me. He wanted another baby, but I couldn't get pregnant. Then......SURPRISE!

He's 60 and our son is 17. That's another thing to consider. Having kids when you're older is not a bad thing and I would have popped out a few more babies if I could have, but God knew what he was doing. It wasn't in the cards for us. Not to mention the fact that my marriage was over less than two years after my son was born.

Having another child isn't like compromising on new silverware or what color to paint the house. It's bringing another life into the world. I think in all fairness to the child, parents need to be on the same page about the decision and if one person doesn't want another child, whether it's the man or the woman, then the answer has to be no.

That's just my opinion.

Let me just double check here...

You've had ONE conversation with your husband about this?

If so, give the guy a chance. You just blindsided him. Imagine if he came up to you and wanted to do something he'd been thinking about for awhile, had time to process, come to a realization about, and then want you to be on the same page with him with no time to process on your own. While that happens sometimes, and is really nice when it does, that's usually just not the case. Most people need some time to really think about what this would mean. Process. Come to an understanding/ realization. Whether that's tattooing his entire body, taking a 2nd wife, joining a nudist colony... ANYTHING that right up until that moment, you thought you were on the exact same page with.

(I realize you may be fully tattooed, polyamorous, nudists... but I needed to come up with something. If so, switch around to suit :)

Look at it this way; You don't "only" have a couple years to decide... you have a whole year (and longer) to come to agreement. One conversation does not a decision make.

I can understand where you are coming from but if your husband is dead set against it (he doesn't want another child and has told you he does not want another child).

I would say that is a stalemate. It's takes two parties to make this family bigger. Sometimes life has a way of intervening & giving us exactly what is best for us w/o us knowing.

As one poster put it: "Both parents have to be on board w/this."

and another put it so nicely:

"You can be depressed about this, or you can look for the silver lining.
Sometimes we're about as happy as we make up our minds to be."

You need to be honest with yourself as well as your husband about how badly you want this...and then you need to have a serious conversation about both your true feelings on the subject and go from there. If it is a deal breaker either way, for either of you, it needs to be discussed and all laid out on the table so there is no possibilities of resentment from either party at the end of it all.

A lot can happen in a year or two. I am in the same boat as you except my daughter wasn't special needs. My husband doesn't want another and likes our family trio as is. I don't have another year or two and am coming to terms that we are what we are, a great family of three.

This has to be a yes from both parties. If you are young enough to have time to wait to have another one, I would back off and give it time. Sometimes men can have a harder time with fear when their child goes through something tough like yours has. He may be pleased that things are working better and not want to risk the fear again. You need to respect that. But you can revisit later as things settle in with your child and your hubby can get comfortable with things being better. If not, then your family will be perfect as it is.

I also have a special needs kiddo who is very high on the autism spectrum. I feel very lucky most of the time, but get worried other times. I am probably too old to have another, but I would be ok if we did. Even then, I am grateful that I have the time and energy to focus on my kiddo so we can make sure his "quirkiness" will be a benefit for him.

Take care.

I think you need to find out what his major reservations are and go from there. There are of course benefits to having only one child but I think there are MANY benefits to having multiple children as well. One of the things I think about is not the present but the future. I love my brother so much and we are still very close to this day (although we went through ups and downs as children of course!) and I couldn't imagine not having him to support me and understand me...additionally, I am immensely thankful that I had him to help me through the loss of our father and in the upcoming years when our mother starts to age and need more help. I wouldn't want to do it by myself!

I knew I wanted at least two children but to be honest even I was hesitant to do it again. We had gotten through all that baby stuff of diapers, etc. and our daughter was seriously amazing and so good. I was terrified! ;) But it all turned out great again. And yes, of course there are more challenges, and more diapers and more getting up in the night, but it was all worth it! And yes, there are risks, but I truly think the benefits outweigh them...so again, I say find out what your husband's true issues are and go from there. Maybe you could speak with a counselor or even some close friends that have multiple kids to just see that his feelings are valid and normal.

Good luck!

There isn't much you can do other than to keep talking to your hubby. If he doesn't change his mind, maybe you could do foster care or open an in-house daycare.

You've already gotten some great answers.

I got the baby blues a couple of years ago. I do understand. But my hubby has had a vasectomy, and we've always been on the same page about not having any more kids.

So I got a kitten.

I know it seems ridiculous, but having that sweet, adorable, fuzzy little purr machine did help. She also helped me put things into perspective when she crapped all over my bed at 5 am because she was still getting used to the new food. Ick.

Just something to consider in between conversations with your hubby.

And please do put yourself in his shoes. Imagine how you'd feel if YOU were dead set against having any more kids, and your spouse came to you saying that they DID want another child. Don't make him feel guilty to get what you want, because he'll resent you for it. Resentment can destroy a happy marriage.

My husband was done with 2....i didnt feel "complete" even though i adore my 2 older children and was perfectly happy with them, in my heart i knew we were not done. Our youngest (just like our oldest) was a birth control baby. After she was born, i felt complete. I love my family of 3. If I am blessed with another I will not be upset or against it but I have no intentions on having more children.
My husband also adores our youngest is content and happy with our life even though he didnt want more kids.
He comes from a large family of 10 (my MIL loved being pregnant) and his youngest sister is 11 (our oldest child is almost 14) so he did not want a large family. I was an only child until I was 13 when my mom had my sister and I always wanted to have 4 or 5 kids. We talked about it but never fought about anything.
However even though i do not want to have more children and my niece is 9 months so i can get a baby fix from her.... i still from time to time want another one but then i realize no not really. Our family is complete. I pray whatever happens you are able to feel complete and happy! Just keep communication open about it!

As mentioned below, a "no" trumps "yes" when it comes to making humans. You mentioned that you were depressed and stressed when your son had a speech delay. I think you have to be prepared for the worst case scenario and not expect a "perfect" child.

I have one 19 year old daughter and have not spent one second feeling like she didn't absolutely complete our family. She is also adopted (my biological niece) and I took her with just a few minutes notice when she was ten days old. There is no way on this planet I could love her any more than I do.

It makes me sad for you to write that "adoption is not an option, I would only want a biological child". I guess it is better that you realize your limitations ahead of time. If a speech delay was that awful for you, there is no way you have the strength for the adoption process. Your loss though.