Hurtful E-mail from Teacher About Son

I think you are being too sensitive. If he is trying to do things and not get caught is there a better word than sneaky? That doesn't make him a bad kid.

Really the tone I am getting is she knows he is a good kid and now he is being sneaky so she is trying to nip it in the bud. If she didn't think he was a good kid she wouldn't try to correct the behavior.

Here's what I read in this email.

1) He's a sweet boy
2) He behaves well
3) He is fine
4) He is happy

Oh, and he needs to maybe listen a little better and not be so silly at the wrong times. Not the biggest issue ever.

Relax.

:)

I would not be offended or upset by that email. The teacher is telling you he's a good kid and the yellow warning is nothing to be concerned with. It also tells you he is not perfect (no one is). If I were you, I would thank her for taking the time to reply and for handling the situation.

I would also ask her if she could give you specific examples of how he is being sneaky and/or into things or what types of things he's doing so you can reinforce her efforts.

I agree with Everley...the son you see at home is often not the kid others see when you are not there (nor do they see him through "mom" eyes).

I don't see how her response is hurtful or rude? I would ask her during the conference for examples of his sneaky behavior so you can understand where she is coming from and you can work with him. Some little ones are sneaky. I've caught my 4 year old looking to see if I was looking before attempting to do something he is not allowed to do (jump on couch, for example). She also used the words "sweet boy, "fine" and"happy" etc. I don't think she was being rude.

You're being over sensitive. The teacher isn't annoyed that you emailed. And she isn't taking your son's behavior personally, or trying to be hurtful. If she thinks he's being sneaky, he probably is being sneaky. Remember that the little boy you see at home isn't always the same little boy that shows up to kindergarten. But really - the teacher is telling telling you that he's sweet and well behaved but not perfect. The email she sent you back looks just fine to me. It wouldn't hurt my feelings if my daughters' kindergarten teacher sent an email like that. I'd appreciate that the teacher has taken the time to get to know my child -- both her good qualities and the things she can work on.

That is fairly normal for that age and he may be trying to sneak and do stuff that he's not supposed to be doing when she's got her back turned. Since he never attended daycare you have not dealt with this before but it totally normal. Don't take it too personally. You might ask what he's doing.

100% your interpretation. He didn't go to pre-school and learn the normal rules beforehand. So, give it some time and let this go. She wasn't being mean. She was telling you what he was doing. Acting a little sneaky.... Hang in there. Things will get better.

Can I jump in too? The other moms have made some great points.

ALL kids test their boundaries. We all know this. Sneaky is what happens when they go about their testing with a little thought and intelligence. :)

ETA: I have yet to encounter a situation when my child was disciplined at school and didn't know why. Did you ask your SON what he did to get the yellow light? I bet he can tell you. Mine always could. He only ever got about 3 of them. And one red one (ever)... the red was because he told the teacher "no" (flatly refused) when she told him to rewrite his messy homework. He always struggled with Neatness and handwriting, and it was kindergarten. He got in trouble for talking back and the disrespect end of it, but I was actually kinda understanding about him not wanting to do what she was demanding.

I don't see this as hurtful. You asked a question and you got a response. I'm not sure what you were looking for her to say. There's nothing here that sounds "annoyed" or "insulted". She's telling you that your son is not making good behavioral choices and is sneaky in class. Not sure what that means exactly because you don't give an example, but he's likely not responding to her verbal reminders and cues, so she's moving to the next step in a progressive discipline system (that's what these charts are designed to support).

It's never easy to hear that our children are not perfect. She's essentially telling you that his behavior chart reflects what's going on. She's giving him warnings because he's engaging in poor choices in an effort to keep the behavior from happening again. Having a kind heart doesn't mean that he won't make poor choices.

All of this is very normal, including the response from the teacher. Take this an opportunity to talk with your son about why his color has been changed. Ask him why he thinks his color was changed and see what he says. He may or may not realize that his behavioral choices are the reason for the color change. I suggest that you have some kind of reward (non-material) at home for earning a green slip and some kind of consequence (small, but impacting) for coming home with a yellow.

The only thing I would ask her to elaborate on (not in writing) is the sneaky part. What does she mean by that? It's hard for you to work on things at home if you don't have a clear picture of the problem.

Why exactly are you offended?

did she give examples of how he was "sneaky" it seems like she's saying it's nothing to be overly concerned of and she thinks putting him in yellow will nip it in the bud

I don't see how that is hurtful?
She is being honest with you, your son is being a bit sneaky, and she is giving him an opportunity to improve his behavior by using the warning system.
Now if she had called him a sneak that would be different.
It's not demeaning to call out the undesirable behavior of a child (your son lied, your son stole something, your son hit another child) but it WOULD be demeaning to call him a liar, a thief, a bully.
Do you see the difference?
She's doing her job, she's teaching him acceptable behavior!

I would question it further as to what were the "sneaky" things he was into. is it something like he is messing around in the paints when he should be listening to story time or is it that he is sneaking into other kids desks / lunchboxes etc? both are an issue but of differing degrees.

It sounds to me that she is saying your son is acting out, she is giving a warning to him to stop it. she didn't sound like she was insulting him to me. Not sure why you are hurt about this. it is a learning thing for him. explain to him exactly what the green yellow red thing is. and you should as much as possible support the teacher on her classroom rules. Just because a child has a kind heart doesn't mean he isn't a pain in the butt to a teacher who is teaching a classroom full of 5 year olds. especially if he is sneaking off and not listening or singing at the top of his lungs while she is reading a story. all of which could be considered silly and irritating. Don't make this about you it is about him and his behavior in classroom.

I think the e-mail sounds reassuring and just letting you know what the situation has been. It looks like she tried to keep it as positive as possible too and that she really likes your son and enjoys him. I don't think she was insulted at all. She was probably happy to let you know since a lot of parents would have yelled at her right out of the gate and assumed the worst of her, Then there's the fact that many parents aren't interested at all in maintaining contact or backing up the teacher at home.

I call my own girls sneaky, if that's any indicator of how I feel about the word. ;-)

I don't think that she's saying anything she shouldn't. She does not appear to be insulted or annoyed at all.

I do think that it is concerning that she is saying that he's behaving in a sneaky way but not telling you what he is actually doing. If you know, you can help deal with the issue at home too. Talk to her and ask specifically what he's doing so you can address it with your son.

Don't take it personally, but you might know your son AT HOME, however you don't know him at school. Our kids are so different at school. My own outgoing, silly, comical 10 year old is shy and extremely reserved at school. It shocked the heck out of me to find this out from his teacher. So don't think your angel always behaves like an angel...because it's most likely that he doesn't. And his teacher has no reason to mislead you about it.

If "he IS a bit sneaky" is how she put it, I'd like to suggest that she used a poor choice of words, and probably would re-write the text if she could. "He has done some things that are sneaky" would sound less like it is labeling him, but it's probably what she means. If she's a halfway decent teacher, she also tells him and the class countless positive things during the day.

And I do think you may be overthinking. Overall, her response seems quite positive and reassuring to me. It's okay to tell her you felt upset by her report, though, and ask to get together with her. Find out specifically what the sneaky behaviors have been, so you can assure her you will work on these with your son.

It's not at all unusual for really good kids to indulge in "sneaky" or dishonest behavior as they grow up. Maturity comes partly through making mistakes and learning from them. We've all been there in our own ways, right?

I agree with Theresa for the most part. I wouldn't worry too much but sometimes kids ARE sneaky and there's not another way to put it. They get up and get out a toy when they're not supposed to, for example. Or my SD used to read books hidden in her desk vs paying attention. She would get up at the wrong times. She didn't always keep her hands to herself. She WAS annoying to others.

So it sounds like your son needs to be reminded to listen, follow class rules and not mess with things at inappropriate times but is overall doing well. I don't think her note is bad. We got some very stern notes when SD was in 4th grade.

Your feelings "as a mom" are understandable, however, the teacher was just being honest and letting you know your son needs to improve. If she said nothing, he could end up in the red zone.

Teachers can't always say what we want to hear.

I think the note seems fine, and does sound like she's describing most kids. This is the time of year when kids get comfortable and start testing the rules, it's good that the teacher is giving him some yellows.

The word "sneaky" may not be the best choice of words, but then again...why beat around the bush. She goes on to compliment your son by calling him sweet, fine and happy so I don't think she meant it in a real negative way. Just set up a meeting with her to further discuss.

And I hear you on it being hard to hear anything negative at all about your child, my son is in preschool and I'm right there with you.

Two thoughts-
there is possibly a semantics issue going on here and the teacher has a different interpretation of sneaky than is correct. I would meet in person to clarify this. Perhaps she meant mischevious, which has a much better connotation than 'sneaky'.

I also don't get that this teacher is very bright.

I don't see anything wrong with your teacher's note. I think you are being overly sensitive. Just ask her for examples so you know exactly what she is talking about but don't take it so personally! I go help in both my kids classrooms and sometimes kids can be a handful. The teacher is trying his/her best to keep everyone in line. It's not a big deal. Maybe he was trying to pass things to friends without her seeing. Maybe he was trying to whisper and talk to his buddies when they were supposed to be quietly working. She is not against your child or you...she is just trying to make sure the kids follow directions. Kids (even your kid!) try to get away with things at times...it is a big temptation being with your friends in the classroom! If your teacher can give you examples then you can talk to your son about it and remind him to be good for his teacher.

I'd ask her for specific examples, rather than conclusions (i.e. "sneaky") of my child's behavior.

Before we started homeschooling my sons were in school for many years. Let me warn you that some years you are going to encounter teachers who seemingly detest children. And then you'll have those special years with those rare, wonderful, teachers who you wish you could clone. But the rough ones make you question your sanity. IMHO some of them really dislike boys.

I'm going to go work at a doggie daycare and complain about the barking.

Yes, that makes sense. :P

Having a kind heart and being sneaky aren't mutually exclusive. My 10 yo has a very kind heart, all of his teachers have commented on it. He also has poor impulse control which leads to sneaky behavior. I wish his kindergarten teacher had nipped it in the bud when he was 5, it's much harder to deal with once it becomes a habit. With my son he was so cute & sweet & kind that the teachers let a lot slide and we had a bigger mess when he got older. Be thankful she's willing to help steer him to good choices while he's young.

I wouldn't be hurt or insulted by that teacher's email. But I would be annoyed. Because she isn't telling you a thing about what happened. She should mention a specific incident, a few examples, not just labels of "sneaky" and "silly" I would have a million more questions. What does she mean? What wasn't safe? What exactly is he doing that is sneaky, too silly or irritating to others? Then she said she is moving him to yellow to make sure he doesn't do it again. Do WHAT again? Not an insulting reply, but not at all helpful either. Perhaps this teacher is pressed for time, or email isn't her best communication method. Maybe talk to your son first and ask him for the specifics. If you that doesn't present a clear picture, I'd probably do a drop by early in the morning and ask in person.

Please remember, email is often written one way and interpreted another way. Where in front of you, she might have called him sneaky with a sly grin and a giggle, in an email, it came out as conniving. I'd make an appointment with her to find out what he is sneaky about (could be going to his book bag and pulling out his snack before snack time - so big deal) or it could be something more serious.

I'd also find out what she meant by not safe as that is very important that he learns to act only in a safe manner.

By not being in preschool , he probably did not learn many of the "classroom rules" that others know. So he might just need some time to adapt.

Go have a chat, you'll feel better.

The question isn't whether what your son is doing is bad/wrong, your question was what is he doing that has caused his status to go from green to yellow. Although the teacher's response isn't offensive, it doesn't give you enough to address it with your son. How is he being sneaky, what silly things are unsafe or irritating. Kids work with specifics, not generalities. If you told your son, hey, your teacher says you're being silly and it's causing problems, can you stop, your kid would wonder what on earth you're talking about. But if you can say, hey, your teacher says that you stand on your chair to do a silly dance and that if you fall, you can hurt yourself or another person, can you save your silly dance until recess and do it on the concrete or play ground, then your son will understand what you mean. I agree with the others that he's probably behaving normally, and is stretching the boundaries a bit, but there's nothing wrong with talking to him about what's appropriate. I would think the teacher would appreciate your involvement and home support (my teachers usually do). I would be careful to avoid trying to have your son be perfect. He's sneaky, so what, but if there are behaviors that are affecting others, it's also a good opportunity to help your son understand boundaries and safety. Talk to your teacher in person and focus on the things that your son is doing that could be harmful to others or himself.

This is based on my personal experience. When my son was in kindergarten, I focused too much on every behavior of his. I've since learned to relax and only get concerned when the behavior is detrimental. After observing other kids, I realized that mine was a normal boy and that I was too concerned about everything and trying to make him robotically perfect. It stressed us all out and we changed our approach.

As for how your teacher refers to him, I think it would bother me a bit too. Being sneaky has a negative connotation to it. I think being curious or adventurous is better, but that's just my opinion. Teachers we've had have been great at spinning negatives into positives (your son is blessed with a strong voice, but we have to remind him that not everyone is, so he has to allow others to speak as well). If your son's sneakiness is distracting to others or again is a safety issue (does he sneak off when it's time to get in line?), then I would ask about that. And remember, you'll only have to deal with this teacher for one year, and the next one will probably gel with you better. Also, it's more important that your son like your teacher than it is that you like his teacher.

I don't like this email. I think that this is the kind of email you will always get from her. If I got emails like this from any of my kids' teachers, I wouldn't email them anymore. I'd call them instead or go down to the school instead. If the teacher asks why you didn't email, tell her that her emails upset you and you'd rather hear her tone than stress out over reading it.

I'll bet she thinks about what she writes after that.

Dawn

She didn't say anything. I would ask for specifics--WHAT IS HE DOING??

Yes, the word "sneaky" is not particularly appropriate. But as long as she is not saying it to him directly, I think you should let it go, and try not to be offended. At least she called him a sweet boy.

You did ask her, so you need to be okay with hearing what she has to say.

If she had said your son was perfect you would still be wondering why he was moved to yellow.
The bottom line is he is fine...and happy. He was just doing normal kid stuff and she is trying to nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand. If I were you I would thank her for her prompt reply and feedback and tell her you will discuss the warnings with him at home that you expect him to strive to be on "green" everyday.

My son is also in Kindergarten and I got a note home just yesterday about his behavior except that my teacher described details and did not label him as sneaky. I wouldn't say her note is negative, it's just not giving you a clear picture and how to handle it. Glad you set up the conference. Also might help if you get in there and volunteer if you can. That's what I do. It helps me get to know the teacher better and to discuss any problems that arise.

I've been a SAHM to my 5 year old. She is not in preschool, but once a week we go to a very structured bible study with a very structured kid's program. Once in a blue moon I volunteer to help with the kids program. We are not allowed to be in class with our own kids, none the less I was late and sent to the room with the most need. There I watched my daughter in a classroom setting and asked myself "who is this child?". Her behavior with a teacher was different than with mom. In my case my child was more obedient than at home. But I can see where this could go either way.
Your teacher was probably a bit brief as she is very busy which may give the impression that she is irritated, but it only means she is busy. Don't read into it too much. Also, that she called your child "sneaky" is so sticking out to you that you fail to see that overall she is saying your child is just fine and gave several positives. I think your expectations are a bit off base- you only want the teacher to see the good in your child and to speak positively about him. Thats a little unrealistic.

HI LB,

I had to comment on this one, because I absolutely DETEST that behavior method of the green, yellow, red cards. My son had a teacher last year who used that, and not very well... (her method included, dark green, light green, yellow, and red.) For my son it was way too many chances and whether he got a green or some other color depended greatly on her tolerance for 1 st graders that day. She wasn't a bad teacher, but I don't think that teaching the younger grades was the best choice for her...

Back to you... I would stay in touch with the teacher and ask for specific examples, as others had suggested. I don't interpret her note back to you as negative and in fact, good news that you got a timely response. It does sound like she's trying to nip negative behaviors in the bud by changing his card color. I would want to know if it's actually working.... My son's attitude in the beginning, was that everything was ok as long as he didn't get a red, and his behavior was much better affected when he got positive reinforcement., rather than punitive, meaningless (to him) card changes.

Sneaky can mean lots of different things and mischievous or curious may have been a better choice of words, but it's all semantics really. I'd stay in touch with the teacher and try to volunteer in the class.

As good as your son has been for you at home and VBS, behaviors can change when he's immersed into a class of other kids his age. Don't be too surprised if he comes home with a new bag of tricks that he's learned form his new friends and observations in class and recess to try out on you! :)

Good luck~

Well, the words "sneaky" and "silly" are not very nice. They would trip a defensive reaction in me, but seeing this in a mail to YOU it doesn't seem so bad :) EVERYONE'S kids act up sometimes. My oldest daughter is VERY well-disciplined and VERY well-behaved, but when she was in K4 she got some warnings similar to this, I explained to her it was not OK, I enforced the rules and checked in with teacher to make sure my daughter was behaving etc, it resolved itself.

Take the emotion away and think of it this way. The word "Sneaky" is kind of harsh, but he's obviously sneaking in some wrong behaviors. Just face it, embrace it, and address it. Don't feel hurt. If you WANT to let her know your feelings about how she's saying these things, do so, but you are a tad more hurt by what she said, than concerned for the behavior it seems. Let your ego go, no worries, just handle it.

If she would have said, "You know, it's normal for his age to push boundaries, but I do notice he tries to get away with some playful shenanigans (instead of silly) at times when no one's looking" you would have felt less offended perhaps....but whatever. You may not have realized there was a behavior problem either that way. Breathe deep, thick skin, she actually complimented your son overall.

It takes fortitude to swallow a less than stellar report, and accept it, and graciously handle it. But if more people did it, schools wouldn't be full of ill-behaved kids. :) Remember, you don't want your son to be hurt by firm direction from coaches, teachers, etc going forward, so model strong diplomacy for him now, not a "this hurt my feelings" outlook unless it's really warranted.

She is describing, MOST kids.
Not only your kid.

Now, by now... kids are pretty much used to school and their classroom and their Teacher. THUS, by now, sometimes... the kids in class start to get more comfortable and too comfortable in class. Therefore, they start to slack on the rules of the classroom etc. So thus, you may see... that not everyday will be a "green" day for your child.
Therefore, the Teacher needs to reinforce the classroom rules. Because if not... the class will be chaos.
A Teacher, needs to remind the kids of the rules and of behavior.
Because, if not, some kids take things for granted.
It is an ongoing thing, in school.

I think she feels she is dealing with it and doesn't need your help at this time.

Personally, I think she needs to expand on what she refers to as 'sneaky' and give you some examples. If she did that you would have a clearer picture as to what is going on and be able to feel him out better as to what is really going on in the classroom.

I'd just write her back and ask for specifics. You don't know what her tone and body language say, so don't read more into it - that's the problem with e-mail.

She is calling him sneaky probably because she feels he knows what he is doing is wrong, and he is doing it anyway, most likely when her back is turned or she is with another student.

Yes, you are being oversensitive, and yes, you need to have a talk with your son about following the rules of the classroom.

Well, I think that her email was a tad bit snarky, but I wouldn't be overly concerned. She did not say that there was anything really that she wanted you to do. Sounds like a normal kindergarten behavior to me.

My son did the color thing in kindergarten and is doing it this year in 1st. He absolutely knows that if he hits yellow then there are no video games and tv shows that night. This year, I have also made him start writing apology notes to the teacher for yellow.

Maybe the teacher was just having a frustrating day...

the colors :)
yes, all kids have climbed up and down that chart. if i were you i'd ask her to explain the 'sneaky' part but i wouldn't worry about him going on yellow or green unless his behavior escalates and becomes disruptive to others.

I am a teacher who uses the color chart. I have taught 27 yrs. and this chart is actually the best system. For one thing yellow is pretty normal. You do not really want a child that never gets anything, but they need a consequence. I would just ask for specifics. When I change a child's color I put specifically what they did. "Not following directions" "Out of seat, not working" etc. I would tell the teacher that you appreciate the feedback and would like to know what he is doing so that you can handle it at home. With just a color change and no comment you have no idea what they are doing and so can not correct it.
Then when you know you can talk to him about it and have a consequence or at least let him tell you what happened.
What is he saying about it? Does he know what he did? He should be able to tell you.