Hurt and Overwhelmed

M.-
My best friend went through exactly what you're going through. She had two children under age 3 and found out her husband had been having an affair with a co-worker. All through their marriage he would threaten divorce and that he would use his parents power and money to take the kids from her. This is the only way these kind of men know how to hurt their wife the most...through the kids. She consulted lawyers and there was no way he could get 100% custody. They divorced a week after their son turned 1. My friend has now been in a much better relationship for over a year now so please realize that there is a new and better life beyond this. Like everyone else is saying you are young but you sound wise beyond your years. Talk to your parents now if you have a good relationship with them and ask about moving back in now while your still prenant and going to school. You being away from your husband will either make him realize he wants to be single ir he'll wise up and realize what he had and work hard to get it back. He sounds like the kind of man who will not go to counseling I predict he'll tell you there's nothing wrong with him and he doesn't have a problem but YOU need counseling. When I went through my divorce at least I didn't have kids and even though my husband didn't want counseling it helped me get my self esteem back. Good luck and you know we're all behind you!

Dear M., I am so sorry for what you are going through. It's hard enough going through pregnancy without all of that nonsense to deal with. Your husband has been very disrespectful of you and your marriage. Furthermore, he has defiled his marriage before God. He is a manipulative, selfish, immature "boy" who needs to grow up. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like this will happen anytime soon. First, I would talk to him about counseling. Let him know that you are invested in saving your marriage but that you will not tolerate his cheating. If he will not go to counseling, then go for yourself. You need to work on building your self-esteem back up and it also helps to have a non-biased opinion. Second, if he is threatening you physically or you feel that you are in danger in any way, leave immediately--your safety and the safety of your child are most important. Third, stay in school. I can't stress the importance of a woman having her own career. Your situation is point in case. Fourth,if you can or haven't already, open a savings or checking account in your name or maybe your mom or dad's name. If possible, stash some cash in that account. I can't imagine what you are going through right now. Please remember, this is not your fault. Unfortunately, our society today does not value the union of marriage. It is no longer held as a sacred vow and is trivialized. Apparently, your husband is no exception. I think it is admirable of you to want to forgive your husband and work things out. I will be praying for you M., that God will give you the strength and the wisdom to help you through this and to guide you in doing the right thing for you and your family.

Dear M.,

I am sorry you are going through this at a time that should be joyful. Your love for him can't change him or it would have already. You are very young and it sounds like your husband is someone you wouldn't want your future daughter to even date! Let alone be married to. You need to do what's in the best interest of your son. In my opinion it would be to be in a LOVING two parent home. Unless your parents are willing to raise him, I think the best thing for the baby would be to put him up for adoption. It would surly be the most selfless thing you would EVER do...All my best to you.

I realize your husband will be leaving in July but I think both of you need to get into counseling ASAP. You are, with good reason, having trust issues and your husband appears to be having control issues. Anyone who threatens to take your child away from you rather than dealing with the issues you are having needs to talk to someone. Good luck.

Oh M., you need to do what's best for your son and yourself. It is inexcusible what he has done and then to joke with you about doing it again. I don't think he deserves another chance. Rely on your family right now. Hopefully you have a good relationship with them. Tell them what happened if you haven't already and get out of there before your son is born. You are going to be a great mom and please don't think that you're doing your son a favor by staying in this mentally abusive relationship just so that he'll know his father. He'll be better off as far away from him as possible. You'r husband doesn't deserve you.....period!! Marriage is a sacred thing, but no one should put up with this for anything. It's hard leaving....this is your life and it's hard to give this up, but you will look back 6 months, a year from now...whenever, and realize how much better things are now that you are away from the mind games and just general disrespect. Best of luck to you and I truly wish the best for you.

Hi M.,
My heart goes out to you. This has to be the most difficult thing you've ever experienced. I am so glad you have parents who are willing to support you.

I have a three month old son and my husband, family, and friends have been my saving grace. I remember being pregnant and thinking if my husband wasn't faithful how devastating it would be.

Please know that you are beautiful. Giving life is a beautiful thing. I'm sorry the immaturity of your husband doesn't allow him to see this.

The way I see it, your husband has to make a choice. Your marriage vows are based on faithfulness and he hasn't upheld his part of the bargin so far. If he wants you back when he returns, let him know what changes have to happen.

Don't worry, he will never be able to take away your son. The law always sides with the mother except in rare occasions. I agree your son needs a father, but he also needs a father who will be there for him.

A book I highly recommend for you to read is called, "Love Must be Tough". It's by Dr. Dobson. A neighbor of mine who was having trouble dealing with an immature husband found the book very helpful (their marriage has improved).

Get ready to enjoy a great blessing in your life. I pray your husband wakes up and sees it too.

Dear M.,
I know this has to seem like an impossible situation right now but there is hope, be strong for yourself and your baby right now. Training a man to be a man is I think similar to training a child. If he has not taken his misdeed seriously and taken steps to reconcile with you -- such as marriage counseling -- therapy for himself to help him understand why he is so fundamentally flawed that he would arbitrarily break is marriage vows and so seriously dishonor the mother of his child. This is an extremely serious matter and if you allow him to go on in this hard-headed manner, I can almost guarantee you the next time he starts feeling scared, alone, etc. he will cheat again. We can not force people to change. We can only change ourselves and hope by doing so they will have a desire to change as well.
I would simply let him know that you don't feel that he has taken his problem with adultery seriously enough and that you would like to go to marriage counseling and have him get individual counseling as well to help him understand why he did what he did and how to not do it again.
I would not discuss leaving him again -- you have already threatened, threats do not work. If he does not go into counseling you will need to wait until he is away for awhile, pack your things and leave, write him a note letting him know that while you love him you do not feel he is willing to work on this marriage and you do not want to raise your child with someone who continues to disrespect his mother. When he has received proper counseling and you have personally talked to his doctor as well, you can consider being together again. Since he has been unfaithful, I would encourage both of you to be tested for STDs and I would not be intimate with him until you know the results of those tests.
Be strong for your child. I know you love this man but he needs to know that there are genuine, logical consequences for his actions just as your child will need. It does not make sense to raise your child with someone who is disrespectful to his mother. I know you love him but he won't take you seriously until he sees that you go through with your earlier threats. Do not go back until you have seen him take the required actions -- and that doesn't mean simply sweet talking you. It is easier to leave now than later. Good luck.

Hi M.,

I am terribly sorry to hear of your situation. I couldn't imagine going through that myself. One thing that I do know, is that you are supposed to raise your children in the best way possible. I am sure that you know that, and have thought about that. Personally, I think that you need to get your children out of that. Either your husband needs to man up & take responsibility for his actions, or you need to find someone who will. The most important thing is your children's future. You need a father figure in their lives that will teach them how a husband is supposed to treat his wife. If your husband is cheating, and joking about it, that doesn't set a good example for your son. It increases the risk that your son will do the same thing when he gets older. I certainly believe in "til death do you part", however, if your husband commits adultery, and is not truly sorry, then I don't feel like you should be with him. However, that is between you & God. You do what you feel in your heart to be right. Always remember the examples that need to be set in your children's lives & remember to be slow to wrath. If you have any questions that you would like to ask, or if you just need to talk, please feel free to contact me. I will be praying for you to make the right decisions (and praying that your husband will be the man that God wants him to be.) Good luck & God bless!

I would suggest counseling, if not the two of you together, then at least you alone. Since he's in the military, you can seek counseling through the navy for free.

There is no way he could take your son from you. Article 134 of the UCMJ does not allow conduct which is of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces, or conduct which is prejudicial to good order and discipline. In other words, no cheating. Since police were involved, I'm assuming his CO was also notified. I have several friends who are CO's and they, unfortunately, deal with this a lot.

Sorry, but you sound like you two are roommates and not husband and wife. He will continue to treat you this way as long as you let him. If it were me, I'd leave because my child and myself would deserve so much better. You are young, you don't want to stay in a bad marriage. He doesn't seem to have any consideration for your feelings, especially with the horrible jokes. Best of luck to you.

Hi M.,

The first thing you need to think about is yourself and the baby that you are about to deliver.

Put your relationship with your husband on hold until you are strong enough to deal with it.

In the meantime. Get involved in a parenting support group to help you deal with your parenting skills.

http://attachmentparenting.meetup.com

or the La Leche League for breast feeding.

www.lllusa.org/VA/WebTidewaterVA

When you are ready, sign up for couselling sessions, without him at your community services board. They have sliding scale fees so it is affordable.

When you are ready to deal with the relationship with your husband. Write back and I can give you information about that. Good luck. Hope this helps. D.

I hate to say it, but it doesn't sound like he is sorry, just sorry he got caught. If he was truly sorry, he wouldn't make jokes, and he would go out of his way to show you he was sorry, and that you are special to him. To me it sounds like he is pushing you away to see how far he can push you. Kind of like a two year old pushing his limits to see where the boundries are. Very immature. Don't let him push you. I know it is very hard with a child involved, but it doesn't sound like this guy deserves you. As for him taking your son, if you have a means to support your child, he's going to have a hard time getting a judge to agree, with the fact that he is in the military, and gone a lot, with the cheating, and if he is gone for the first year or so of the child's life, there won't be a realtionship there anyway. It is bad that he cheated, it's horrible that he did it more than once and only stopped when he got caught. In my oppinion it is inexcusable that he makes jokes about it and doesn't show any remorse. I would be willing to bet that if you stay, he will cheat again. If I were you, and I had a way to get out now, I would. Good luck!! Hope things work out for the best.

reading this made me think of what I ad to go through almost a year ago. Me and my husband just found out that we were pregnant with our second on March 1. Soon after, he had started spending a lot of time out with his friends, and whenever he got phone calls, he had to go outside. I put 2 and 2 together and asked him if he was cheating. Of course he said no, but I still had that gut feeling. A few days later as I was doing the laundry, my worst nightmare came true. I found the other woman's underwear in his pants pocket!! He kept threatening to do everything under the sun to take the kids away from me, saying what an awful mother I am and I'm not going to be able to do anything without him. We tried working things out for awhile for the sake of the girls, but nothing worked. He never wanted to go out just the 2 of us, refused to go to marriage counseling, and continued acting the way he did before he got caught. He just finally moved out a few weeks ago and we're getting divorced. To be totally honest with you, I feel that leaving has been the best thing that I did for my girls. They're better off not seeing us miserable and fighting all the time. It's hard at times, but lucky for me, I have a great group of friends and family here to help me out. Good luck to you and your little man. If you need anything, don't hesitate to find me here.

Dear dear M.-- Girlfriend, like Keith Sweat said years ago-- you may be young but you are ready-- ready to learn. Your husband is an insensitive bastard-- harsh but true.. AND before I forget-- HE COULD NOT TAKE YOUR BABY AWAY FROM YOU!!!! Especially with police documentation that he cheated!!! and that the police had to get involved... but besides that-- it is very hard to split a mom and her child up-- the judges really hate to do that so the law is on YOUR side, not his.

I know you're hormones are raging right now.. my heart really goes out to you.. having been prego 4 times... it's no time for this bull ish. So back to the insensitive bastard-- he is mean, he doesn't care about your feelings, he threatens you (taking the baby), and more. M.-- is this love baby?????? Don't waste your time with him,. husband or not.. People don't change and when they do it is because THEY want to-- nothing you do will make him be a nicer kinder more sensitive man. Don't mention the fact that you will leave him anymore (personally I think his behavior is unpredictable) ... if his behavior doesn't change before he goes to Iraq-- then in July (if u can't do it sooner) I'd bounce like one of Shaq's favorite basketballs girl!! It will save you years and years of sadness and unhappiness and ultimately-- the divorce would come anyway. Your baby will be happier with a happy mommy than a sad mommy and a daddy who treats her like ish. TRUST ME!! Start packing and stashing some cash cause you know he's not gonna help you. We mothers do what we have to do. God Bless you girl.

L.

Ok sorry to her of the problems. first off how old is he you two sound young. Another thing is you could get some marriage councling it is free from the navy. Second off dont threating him just do it leave let him see wht its like without you. He cant take your son away from you he has the cheating behind hime and evidence. You have done nothing wrong. You need to lay the rules down to him if he is going to keep doing the things that hurt you when he gets back from iraiq you will not be there. I have been through what you went through well sad to say for you that we are not together anymore and there is happiness on the other side. Dont stay together cause of the baby. You need to be happy. You have done nothing wrong. Does the navy know of this affair? You can also inform him that you are going to get the command involved. Which you can do this the navy does frown upon marital affairs. If you need to talk pls email me I will talk anytime you want. I am a navy wife now again for the last 9 yrs and going strong had a scare once but all cleared up so please M. dont hesitate to write me good luck hun