This question was originally posted on 8/30/2010, I posted the original question first and then added to it today.
I know that this is a Mama website, but I need some imput. My husband loves Facebook, which is great, I am also a fan. He recently started talking to a girl he worked with in highschool whom he dated very briefly. She is a special education teacher and has been giving him advice about our son who has adhd and dyslexia, which is also great. I am not the super jealous, catty type. I have guy friends that I talk to from high school. I thought it was great that he was connecting with a old friend, but the other day he came to see me at work, he was texting someone and i looked over his shoulder and he turned away so I couldn't see, which ofcourse sparked my curiosity. He went in the other room to chat with my boss and left his phone. I picked it up and looked at his blackberry messages. There was an extremely long, long stream of messages which i did not read all of, just the last bit he had been trying to hide from me. I knew that they had dated and had sex once because i flat out asked, jokingly (its kind of a running joke because he got around in highschool if you know what I mean) but he said it was bad and they broke up right after and agreed they were better off as friends, but the messages were about that night, and he made reference to how good he was that night and I pretty much stopped reading it after that, I was thrown off guard because I trust him so completely.It really hurt me and I didnt expect it to. He came back in the room and asked me what i was looking at and I said your messages, but I didn't mention anything. Things have been going pretty well lately between us and I hate to fight. I dont have a problem with him having a female friend but now they text daily and I wander do I need to be looking at his messages??? Shes always the one who texts him first, I wander is she someone who may become obsessed with him? Shes supposedly happily married and has 2 kids. Anyone have any advice???
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So What Happened?™
Well I talked to him about all of this last week, and he said that he was sorry for hurting me, and that he just thought of her as a friend, and someone he could get advice about our son. I did not tell him to stop talking to her, just that I did not think people who are just friends should be talking about a past sexual encounter, even if it was 15 years ago. I also told him that any woman who is putting her marriage at risk just to text someone, which she is because she text him that her husband was really upset with them talking, is either intrested in more than just friendship or playing her husband to make him jealous. He said he was sorry for putting himself in a bad position. Since then he has talked to her briefly about our son, but the last few days she has been trying to change the subject. He actually told her yesterday that he didnt want to talk about certain things, you would think it would piss her off and she would stop texting him, but it doesnt she just apologizes for making him uncomfortable and keeps on contacting him. I don't mind them talking but I am over the little game she is playing, because that is exactly what it is! Should I contact her myself and talk to her? I hate to resort to that, but I may have to. and if so any ideas what I should say???
Well it has been 5 months now since all this happened and the texting stopped for almost 2 months and then she started sending him a message here or there, and now in the last couple of days 37 messages have been exchanged. I don't read them but I can go online to verizon and view what # was texted and what time, and who sent and who received. He sent first! My hubby has been great lately. I had surgery and he took care of me. Our love life is excellent, but WTH with this girl??? I occasionally have lunch with my guy friends ( usually there wives are there) I occasionally text once or twice a month, but 37 messages in a 24 hr period. He did tell me he talked to her this time and didn't lie, but only because she wants him to help her with a plumbing job at her house this weekend, he says her husband will be there, but i may invite myself along at the last minute if i can find a sitter for the kids. I really don't want to go because i have no desire to be around someone I suspect has a thing for my husband, but I dont know what to do. I know he loves me, and I don't believe he would cheat on me but how do I confront this without appearing to be the jealous bitchy wife I don't want to be????
I agree with Julie P and LeeLee S. Nothing good can come of this game. My husband was very upset about one of my male friends and I had to set that relationship aside. If he did it once he should understand and do it again and leave it alone this time..
First of all, your husband should not be having communication with her. Period. IF you and your husband need advice for your child, then I would suggest consulting your pediatrician. This will eliminate the need for your husband to talk to this woman about your child.
Secondly, I cannot for the life of me understand why this woman's husband would want his wife's old boyfriend to work on plumbing in their house. This is extremely bizarre to me. I think ANY man would feel uncomfortable having his wife's ex-boyfriend working on something that he should be doing himself.
Thirdly, your husband needs to stop communicating with her. Period. They need to remove themselves from each others fb page. This relationship that has "rekindled" is inappropriate (1) because he is married to you and (2) she is married to someone else. Talking about your child is one thing...talking about their past relationship is inappropriate. Old feelings will most certainly arise from this and I don't care how much you "trust" your husband, temptation is NOT something to mess with.
Do not believe he will never cheat on you. I know this may sound harsh but you need to understand that there are many forms of adultery and often it starts out on an emotional level, much like you have described. A line has already been crossed when your husband didn't want you to see him texting with her and you had to find out by picking up his phone on your own. If this happened to me, I would sit my husband down and tell him that this "relationship" that he has with this woman makes you feel uncomfortable and that you want him to stop communicating with her, that you want him to block her from his fb and block her number so he doesn't receive texts, if that is possible. Otherwise, you explain to him that there is no room in your marriage for the insecurity this new found relationship is instilling in you. You have EVERY right and reason to protect your marriage and if it means putting your foot down and telling him what you want and how this makes you feel, then you do it. You have to protect your marriage. This woman is an intrusion and it needs to be blocked immediately. IF your husband refuses to stop communicating with her, then I would be so bold to contact her myself. Maybe she is unhappily married. Maybe she is pursuing your husband because she has regret that they broke up so long ago. Whatever her reasons, this relationship needs to end today.
And, I don't like that your husband stated that "you may invite yourself," to her house so he can do the plumbing job. How in the world do you know for sure that her husband will indeed be there? Tell your husband to cancel it and tell her to hire a professional plumber. Otherwise, I would not allow my husband to step foot in that house, with or without me.
I would tell your husband that you are extremely uncomfortable with this "friendship" and that you would like for him to stop communicating with her. It sounds like trouble to me. Explain to him that you would do the same if one of your friendships made him feel uncomfortable. Good luck!
I agree with Julie P. I think this relationship needs to end. If you still need help/advice for your son, it would be best to find someone else. I think I'd point blank tell your husband, "You know, I'm really feeling uncomfortable about this now and I would appreciate it if you would stop communicating with her altogether." She sounds like she's playing some mind games with your husband.
It's time to tell your husband to stop contact with her all together. The amount of time they text/talk is a bit over the top. You can get advice about your child from someone else. She's not the only special education teacher around!
You husband needs to respect your feelings about this. This woman obviously doesn't care that he has a wife and seems very selfish. I wonder if HER husband knows she texts your husband and talks about how they had sex once upon a time??? Maybe it's time he knew ;-)
Hi A., this is an 'emotional affair'. Whether it's WRONG or not depends on the spouses definition of 'cheating'. If to YOU cheating only means physical sexual contact, then it's all good. However, I'm guessing it is NOT ok with you, and THAT is the only thing that matters.
There is absolutely no logical reason why you cannot say, I'm sorry hon, this relationship makes me VERY uncomfortable, please no more contact of any kind with this person.
This does not make you a jealous bitchy wife.
Letting it run it's course WILL involve sexual contact (if it hasn't already). To me it sounds like you have had it with this.
It's YOUR marriage, it's between the Man and You, not her, not us.
:)
Your husband has to be the one to tell her "Sorry I can't handle your plumbing issue right now. Here's the phone number of a buddy of mine. Mention my name and he'll give you a discount." He does not need to go over there, nor do you. He needs to end this relationship if he values you, your children, and your marriage. In the grand scheme of things, which is more important - helping a friend with plumbing (if that's really what it is) or making your wife happy and comfortable and giving her your 100% full faithfulness.
That being said, what do you do?? You gotta have a heart-to-heart with your husband and tell him that it's not that you're jealous, it's just that you have this weird feeling about this gal. Put your husband in your shoes and let him see your perspective "What if I was texting such texts to my ex-John? What if John asked me to go over and help him with home-decorating? After you'd read all these sexty-texts with us, would you want me to go over there and help him decorate since his wife is a lousy decorator?" Doubtful your husband would like it if the roles were switched. Best of luck to you. I hope this ends up well.
Helping with a plumbing job this weekend? Heck no! Tell him to tell her to hire a plumber. This relationship is innapropriate. You shouldn't need to contact her at at. It should be obvious to your husband that he should end whatever wierd relationship they have going.
Find a different doc/special education instructor for advice on your sons health. Even if you end up paying some extra money you will have your peace of mind.Tell your husband she needs to find someone else to help her with plumbing or what not. Dont let this continue. I wouldnt invite myself to her house and be a part of any drama going on from her side.If she is really trying to do what you think , she wont care you know or not. Take the high road and just stop it right now when you can. Since they were in a relationship in the past , one thing can lead to another. Maybe today your husband genuinely wants his family more than anything else.Who knows being in constant touch with her and talking about good old times he might one day realize he actually wants different things.I am not saying it will happen but why do you want to take any chance.If you constantly keep checking with him why he sent so many messages etc he will get annoyed too that you dont trust him at all.You will just end up being the jealous bitchy wife even though thats not what you intend to be. I would be very strict about them not being in touch anymore and be done with it.Tell him that is what you think is good for your marriage.If he still continues to be in touch , you would have a bigger problem in your hand.Some things in your past should remain in your past. And I dont beleive lovers or ex lovers can ever be just friends. If you think differently , you can ignore my advice.But this is what I would do and I think its better to be safe than sorry .Hope this helps!
I agree. There is no reason after all you and your husband have been through with this woman for him to still be comunicating with her. I'd tell him you are uncomfortable with it and ask him to cut off all ties with her. I don't think you come across as bitchy at all. 37 messages in 24 hours in CRAZY!!!
I'm not jealous and bitchy myself, but I would go. (And I'm one of the three women who said they would let their husband share a hotel room with another woman in response to a recent post, so I'm really easygoing.) This woman is trying to start something -- there are other plumbers in the world -- you should go and give her the evil eye.
And depending on how she acts, you might just tell her to get lost while you're at it, and then tell your husband you told her so.
She is out of line, she is trying to start something. Your husband is probably just being nice, but he shouldn't be giving her the time of day. She wants more. It's time for this nonsense to stop.
When people start becoming dependent on other's spouses, and confiding in them, there is a problem.
She is not the expert on your child, and your husband is not an expert at plumbing. Seriously, emotional affairs start when people start to become overly communicative and demanding of time with each other. And now they are going to meet up for the first time in how many years? looks like a step in the wrong direction, before you know it they'll be having lunch together.
Seriously, either you go with him, or he not go at all. If he doesn't have a thing for her, it shouldn't matter for him to stop speaking to her.
If one of my old boyfriends kept contacting me like that, I would discontinue contact on principal alone.
Really 37 texts, he is getting more from her than he is from you. Even me and my husband don't text each other that much and we text a lot to each other during the day! That is just needy and crazy.
I'd say you need to go or he don't do the job
You've been stressing on this for literally months from your messages. You're uncomfortable and it's coming between you and your husband. It's affecting the trust between you and taking his attention away from his family and work.
If it were me, I'd ask him to go for a marriage counseling visit or two to air out the feelings you're having and to discuss openly why he is spending so much time communicating with this other woman. With an objective trained stranger listening, and guiding the talk, you both have a better chance of understanding what is going on.
But...What do YOU want to do about it? Forget about appearances...go with your gut level and do what makes YOU feel better.
[hugs]
I think you have gotten some pretty good advice so far. I just wanted to add, my husband has many female friends and co-workers. There have been those who are good intentioned and respect our relationship, and those that do not. That text him all the time and even send pictures of themselves. Those ones, I have had NO problem telling my husband that I am not ok with that, and it has ended immediately. If she was respecting your marriage and texting him only on occasion, then that's one thing. But that is not whats going on unfortunately. She is not respecting you or your family. I would most definitely take yourself and your kids to her house IF your husband is going to do plumbing work for her. However, I would rather that my husband didn't help her. She (and he) have given you reason enough to not be ok with it. And this time its plumbing, next time its something else. There is no telling the status of her marriage but regardless you need to stick up for yourself and your marriage.
U should go! Kids in tow! Why are u all playing with fire. This is how affairs start! After he's done with the plumbing ask him to take kids to the car and let the wife and hub y know what's going on and let her know this will be the last time she will be contacting YOUR husband. Ask her husband to reinforce the request. If ur husband isn't man enough to be respectful u need to do this for your family. If not u will be posting another question about them. I wouldn't tell ur uubby ur going until last minute. And don't be suprised when u get there and her hubby isn't there!
I can understand where this 'girl' is coming from, your husband and you because I have been in each of those roles. That girl is def looking for attention and your husband is buying into it...guys can be really naive and really not think anything of it until later. You know with verizon you can block numbers right!? lol Let him think she changed hers and vice versa lol probably wouldnt really work though...It wouldnt matter if you went or not, she would probably thrive off of your presence and would think you're insecure and boost her ego. Why did he feel the need to tell you her husband would be there? Why would her husband be ok with this long lost bf coming over to fix his plumbing anyway? I would talk to him again and ask him what it is about this friendship he enjoys so much, the excitement, he attention?
If you are concerned than talk to your hubby again, but I have never understood why people think that every time a man is friends with a woman she much be after him!
You are a much stronger woman than I, thats for sure! I would not be able to stop myself from thoroughly reading all those texts.
I think it is too much. I would not want to go with on the "plumbing job" or talk to this woman at all...but I would be out of my mind crazy if he went with out me...I think I would have to have a heart to heart with the hubby and be honest and tell him that this makes me very uncomfortable and I wish for him not to go.
Big hugs for you...sucky situation you got going on there...
