My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have two young boys (6 & 4). We are very happy and have very little to complain about. However, for the past several years, it seems that my husband has problems making and keeping friends. He is a great guy (I know, I'm biased, but...). He is funny, generous, laid back, and intelligent. When we get together with people, he is a great host, always making them feel welcome. The friends he does have are unreliable. They often make plans with him and then bail without a phone call. He gets frustrated with them when they do it time and time again. There are also those that take advantage of his generosity. He's always the one footing the bill when they go out.
I've tried to suggest he join a group, but he often shoots that idea down (the men's group at our church, except he rarely goes to church, the PTO at my son's school, except it's mostly women). I don't know how to help him. Now that I am involved in the school, I have made more friends myself, and it's hard when he sees me going out doing things but he stays at home. He's started getting more depressed about it, and it's affecting his self-esteem.
How can I help him?
Is he athletic?
IF he truly wants friends, what about suggesting he join a adult softball or soccer or rugby team??
Lots of those sports can be co-ed, so maybe you both could join a team together?
Are you sure HE wants friends or is it you feeling he needs friends because of your social life? I'm not bashing just saying he may be content with his life. If he has expressed the desire to have friends, thats another story.
Just my .02.
I really don't have any friends and I'm PERFECTLY fine with that. My wife and family fulfill me, keeping up the house, cars, pool, pets, kids, bills, you get what I'm saying. I have my alone time as well, we just sync it up so it's her alone time at the same time. Sorry to ramble.
Are your boys old enough for an activity? Scouting? Flag football? Soccer? What I found is around the 5 - 6 age the dads stand around and watch the practices, games, etc. and start to get chummy.
My husband picked up a few new friends this way over the years.
Also, any kind of group classes or activities are good for making the casual friend. Maybe more. I know you said he didn't like group activities, but it really is a good place to start:)
if something is happening over and over, it's usually not a coincidence. i'm sure your husband is lovely, but if all his friends are unreliable and take advantage of him, he's picking poorly or doing something to invite it.
unfortunately you really can't fix this for him. you can't helicopter parent a grown man, especially if he shoots down the ideas you do present him.
there's probably something he needs to identify in his own behavior and work on that, rather than focusing on finding new friends. that's not a slam or an insult. it's just growth, a tweak in one's perceptions.
khairete
S.
My husband doesn't really have many friends either but he doesn't seem to care. Your kids are at the age of starting sports and scouts. Volunteering as a coach or scout leader can put him in contact with other men/dads.
In general, I think many guys don't do as many social things as women do.
I don't know if you can help this grown man make friends. You have already suggested joining a group or getting involved in an activity which he has already said "No" to doing. Your assessment of how this is effecting his esteem is wrong. His esteem is why he keep choosing the types of friends he is choosing. He has grown comfortable with this pattern in his life and is probably a little afraid of daring to do something different.
If he is depressed he perhaps needs professional help. Exercise can really make a difference in this area. Just 30 minutes first thing in the morning can change his brain chemistry and talking things out with a trained professional can also help bring him clarity.
My last guess is that he probably may be an introvert that hasn't really learned how to master selecting friends that treat him the way he treats them. Why does he believe he needs to pay for his friends (you can't buy good friendships)?
I like many of the recommendations by the other ladies but ultimately he will have to choose something different to get something different and there isn't much you can do about that other than not feeding into his depression or esteem issues. You can't be his mother you must be an encouraging wife which may mean some tough love.
My husband's friends are mostly from softball. He has played since he was a kid and he is now in his mid-40's...he still plays and he has known these people for decades. Some are them are unreliable and some only call when they want a DD...hubby and I don't drink. Some are there no matter what my hubby needs or wants.
Can your husband join a team? Darts? Cards? Ball? Fantasy Football? He might make friends who share his same interests that way. Or he could TALK to his friends about what they are doing and ask whats up with it.
I don't really think YOU can do anything. With kids, it's easy, because you can sign them up for activities or set up play dates, you can't really do that with a grown man. If he really wants to connect with other men HE needs to make the effort.
What kind of work does he do? My husband has a few buddies in the office. They don't socialize much outside of work but they do chat there, about wives, kids, business, life. Sometimes they go to lunch or out for drinks after work.
My husband also has his basketball buddies at the gym and his golf buddies at the club. He spends more time with the golf buddies because they usually have a beer after a round, and he plays on the team and sits on the tournament committee, so there's opportunities for socializing there too.
It sounds like your husband just needs to get out of the house and JOIN something. A sport is the obvious choice (most communities have adult softball/basketball leagues) but if he's not into that he should just pursue whatever he's into and he will meet people naturally. I have a neighbor who takes welding/metal working classes and he loves it. My bother's office formed a Bocce Ball team and he has a lot of fun playing that with his coworkers.
Just encourage him to do something fun for himself, rather than focusing on making friends. If he makes a good friend or two along the way, great, but just being out and having fun with people is probably all he really needs :)
Hmmmm....does he have siblings? Siblings friends or acquaintences?
Enroll him in one of those adult continuing education classes like carpentry, or welding, or fly fishing.
They have all kinds of those weird "I always wanted to learn" classes that your local school district/library or community college will put on.
I'd stick with one you already know he likes to do, as I was once given a handgun safety and shooting course for a gift and was kinda like - whaaaa?
