Okay ladies, my head is still spinning. I am a mother of three beautiful children. I have a 19 year old dtr, 7 year old dtr and a 17 month old son. Yes, quite an age span there. My son was a "surprise" baby but such a blessing. Here's my situation, I just found out my 19 year old dtr is pregnant. She is approxiametely 7 weeks along. She has a steady relationship with the father (they live together). They have thier issues due to immaturity issues but they seem to be really trying. She is taking some online college courses and is working full time. I was really hoping that she would of course get her education out of the way first, marry and then children but seeing how that isn't going to happen, I'm a bit disappointed. Only because I know how hard it is going to be for her. I've been there. I was only 19 when I had her. My heart aches that she is going down this road. I am not ready to be a grandma. I'll be 40 this year. Now I know how my mom felt. She was this age when I gave birth to my dtr. I've got mixed feelings. I am disappointed but it's a awe inspiring at the same time. A miracle (that's the way I see babies) is on the way so how can I not look forward to it? But I fear for the hardship she is going to have to face. I want to be able to support her in every way I can but I do not want to enable her. She has chosen this road so she needs to take control of it. I don't know if I really have a question or what. Like I said, my head is still spinning about this. How would you handle or feel about this if you were in my shoes? How am I supposed to act? I plan on being there for her as a loving mother should. She's already asked if I will be in the delivery room with her and of course I will be. I wouldn't miss it. I just wish it was later instead of now.....I guess I'm just asking for some encouraging words.....really kind of need it about now. Thanks ladies!
I just wanted to tell you all thank you so much for all the encouragement. My mom was wonderful to me. It was me that did things back then that I wish I didn't do. My mom was a wonderful person and that is what keeps going through my head - all the things she did for me. I want to do the same for my daughter. I was just hoping for her to take a different road but like you all said, it is what it is, she is an adult. All I can do is support her in the way I would want to be supported - in my case in the way I was supported. I am encouraging her to continue her education and I will help as much as I can to see that she does that. As far as what I want to be called, not grandma, nanny, or grandmother by any means. (no offense intended) Here lies another problem, I guess I should have mentioned in my post that I am already a "grandma" by marriage. But this feels so different. Don't get me wrong, I love the grandkids but with this one actually coming from my baby, it feels different. I will in no way treat this one different. It's hard to explain though....There however is a dilemma as far as what I'll be called by this new baby. I let the existing grandkids come up with a name for me just as long as it wasn't one of the ones I mentioned. Well they call me "MeMaw". I should have really picked it myself....lol but again, it is what it is. So I guess in all fairness this new baby should probably call me "MeMaw" as well just to limit the confusion. I may just let the baby decide what to call me...but I'm sure it'll be "MeMaw" once he/she hears it from the others. So I better just resign myself to the fact that I'm "MeMaw"......LOL.....And yes, this baby is God's gift and it will be treated as such. There's a reason for everything!
Added 3/3/11 - Unfortunately I have some very sad news to report. My daughter just recently experienced a miscarriage. It's a very sad time for us right now. My daughter is going through some pain right now because of it but she is strong. She realizes that it just wasn't meant to be, that God decided to bring the baby home for some reason. I, on a personal level is hurting for my daughter and am hurting because of the loss. I lost my grandbaby. I in no means wanted this to happen but it did much to our dismay. I can't say I was overly excited about her becoming pregnant when she still had so much to finish first but I finally got to the point where I was looking forward to it. But it is what it is. God obviously has other plans for her. It is not for us to understand or agree with. Thank you all again for your support you have provided.
Maybe treat her the way you wish people would have treated you when you were in that situation. Lots of love and compassion. I am sure she knows your a bit disappointed. I think everything your thinking going through is normal. Allow your self some time to process what's going on. Good luck!
Sounds like you are having a "normal" reaction to the news. Give yourself some time to process. Be careful not to project too much on to her about your experience... It's not "ideal", but what is???? It's life, and most importantly it's a miracle! CELEBRATE that new little life and be there emotionally for your daughter. She's probably adjusting too. She has no idea what she's in for (none of us do no matter our age as a first time mom). She has some experience w/ her little brother of couse - which is great practical knowledge. Take it as it comes. Also, decide what role you want to play as grandma and how involved you think you should be in caring for the baby... you need to set those boundaries and expectations - you are still raising your family. I'd think about those expectations and set those boundaries before the baby comes (but not now). Congratulations Grandma (or as someone called their grandma "G-Mama"!
Your daughter is very blessed to have you as her mother.
I don't know but if I were in this situation I think the utter excitment of knowing that my 17 month old baby and my grandchild would be close in age, would overcome all my worries! How often does that happen?? How amazing! OK I'm off the point but that's how I would feel about this =-)
You had your hopes and wishes on a plan for her, but apparently life/God had another plan for her.
She has a support system and she will be just fine.
You are ALL very blessed!
Think back and try to remember how you felt when you found out you were pregnant at 19. Scared that you couldn't support her? Excited for the miracle of a baby? Disappointed that you hadn't finished college? All of the above? She is probably feeling the same things you felt.
Now think about what would have been a perfect reaction from your own mother - what support would you have wanted from her? How could she have made the pregnancy and first months/years with the baby easier/better for you? Do for your own daughter what you would have hoped for from your own mom in a perfect world.
Don't think of helping her as enabling her. Teach her now how to be a good, responsible mother. Encourage her and her boyfriend to work through their issues, maybe even go to counseling if needed, because you know how much harder things will be once a baby is in the house.
And embrace being a grandma. All the fun and spoiling you get to do... and you get to send the baby home to his parents at the end of the day! congrats. : )
When my niece (19 at the time) told us she was pregnant my husband and I were both speechless. Her mother was devastated b/c she had her first at the same age and knew what was coming. Honestly, it took a good month for us to take a breath and feel genuinely supportive.
I remember my SIL coming to our house sobbing b/c she was in the same spot- didn't want to enable her, but wanted to support her wherever needed. Honestly, she gives her far more support (time and $$) then she gives her other daughter, but my other niece doesn't need the support.
I wish there was a "right answer" for you and normally I would have some kind of "pshrinky" answer, but in all reality this is one of those times you just do what feels right for both of you.
Just a few lessons we've learned through the "ups-and-downs" with my in-laws...
- Don't loan money to family. If you give them money, just give it with no expectation of it being returned and no obligation or guilt.
- Offer to help ONLY when you can... if it inconveniences you significantly then don't offer. There's nothing worse than saying "yes" when you really mean "no" and then holding a grudge. If you can, great. If you can't, say so.
- They may not accept $$ from you, but they won't turn down a casserole or a few "essentials" you picked up at the grocery store on your way over.
- Just listen. Advice isn't generall what a person is looking for... ususally just someone to listen and be quiet and then say "I'm sorry you're feeling_________. I love you"
Good luck and enjoy this time with your daughter.
I was 26 when I had my first child and I mean this in the nicest way but my only advice to you is to never say to her that you are not ready to be a Grandma. My father and I have never had a good relationship but I still wanted to let him know that he was going to be a Grandfather and yes I was prepared for my baby and we planned for her, however I felt immediately that he was making the situation all about his feelings and never once recognized how happy I was to be expecting a baby. He constantly told me that he wasnt ready to be a Grandfather and that it made him feel way too old and that he couldnt believe that this was happening to him and blah blah blah. It made me feel horrible. I'm not sure if your Daughter planned for this to happen but regardless it is suppose to be a happy occasion and I know you are probably freaked out right now but Im sure things will work themselves out. You said that you had her at 19 and you seem to be well rounded and doing good so Im sure she will be just fine with your support and Love.
I can understand how you feel-I would feel the same way. you want the best for our children and feel bad when you see that it may not be easy for them. Since there is nothing to be done now you should just embrace the situation as best you can. One thing I would NOT do if I were you is let her take advantage of you. Since you are so young it will be easy for her to ask you to do a lot-and possibly give you the emotional guilt trip if you don't. I am constantly amazed at how many grandparents I see raising the kids as co-parents. Be there to support her but do not do her job for her.
You should be able to answer this one yourself. How was your mom with you? How do you feel you turned out? (Sounds as though, you did ok with yourself) I would look within and respond with what you feel is appropriate.
Best wishes!
Well, 19 is a lot different than 14 or 16. She is legally an adult and lives with the father, so you should be able to offer her plenty of support without "enabling" her. Encourage her to stay in school, even after the baby comes! I would certainly want it to be further down the road, but the reality for you is that it's not, so just realize that and go with it.
Stephanie,
I am not sure how much help I will be since I have never had to experience this situation but I do have some thoughts. You seem like a very loving mom that only wants the best for her kids. You have over come a very hard situation in your own life by becoming a mother yourself at such a young age. Try to think of how you felt when you were 19 and found out you were pregnant. Remember how scary life seemed at that time....because your daughter is probably feeling the same way. By reading your post I can tell that you are worried about this situation but remember that you have given your children knowledge through out their lives and strength. Try to stay calm about your daughters situation and offer her moral support. Try not to tell her that you are disappointed in the way her choices have left her pregnant earlier then you expected. Encourage her to continue with her schooling and to continue making herself and now her child a better life. She will not have an easy time but that does not mean that she will not succeed or have a good future. (think of how far you have come since having a child at 19.) I know you do not feel old enough to be a grandmother but in a way, that is a blessing in itself. You will be young enough to really enjoy having a grandchild around and you will still have a lot of energy to handle being a grandmother. Honestly i know this is probably a very overwhelming time for you and your daughter, but i agree with you that children are a blessing. This child could be exactly what your daughter needs to help her continue to grow and want more for herself....and for her child. Good luck to you and your daughter.
Congratulations. I'm sure you're all going to be just fine. It's great that you two have such a good relationship and she felt comfortable telling you. Have you decided what you want to be called yet?
There really isn't anything that you CAN do. As you said earlier, she is 19 yrs old, living on her own. HER life, HER decisions, HER consequences. It is HER path and you need to let HER decide how she will travel down it.
On the surface this may sound like "Oh it's easy for YOU to say because you are not in the situation." On the contrary. I have a 21 yr old daughter. She moved out at 18, married at 19, and now living in Germany with a military husband that is about to be deployed. I have a 20 yr old son. Moved out at 18, totally rejected our financial support for college, barely makes $1k a month and NOW has a 21 yr old girlfriend living with him. Then I have a 7 yr old daughter.... well need I say more? :-)
Dela Reese once said: "We cannot carve our initials in our children." This is so true. Yes, we bring them into this world, we teach them right from wrong. Then we must let go and trust that we have taught them well.
LET her make her own decisions, and yes her own mistakes. Trust me your relationship with her will be stronger and so will she. Oh, one more thing.... DO NOT GIVE her money! If you start down that road you will NEVER see the end of it.
Your daughter is an adult. She may be immature and not have her life on solid ground just yet, but, she's an adult.
My daughter is 24 and expecting her first baby in May. I'm happy and excited, but I admit it's weird. MY baby is having a baby.
My baby isn't a baby anymore.
She's fully independent, etc, so I don't have those worries, but it's still strange to me.
I think it's normal for us to want things better or different for our kids, but life happens. In this case, it's your daughter's life.
Be supportive. Let her be a mother. She will figure things out just like you did.
Embrace it. There's not much else you can do.
Best wishes.
Never been in your shoes, but giving some encouraging words. The fact that you have been down that road already makes you the best person to parent her and guide her down that path. Let her know what to expect and help her prepare for it. Show her the realities of it versus just emphasizing how much you have done that before. Give her the facts so she can make her own decisions.
Hopefully you will need time to process the news, but if you turned out ok, then trust that she will do the same. At least for now, you and your M. can relate. PS: You don't have to use the word "grandma" to identify yourself. Since you are still pretty young, you can have the baby call you "nana" or something that you prefer. That way you do not feel so "old". All the best.
I like what Gee R said. You were once on her shoes and know how it felt to be judged. I also think you need to really ask your daughter how SHE feels about it. You never know, she may be more dissapointed in herself then you are. Mix that in with a lot of nervousness, scared, happy, excited, etc.
You need to let it sink it, it's still very new. You'll be ok. Big hugs to you, get some coffee and chocolate today, it might make you feel better!
What is done and is done and although it will be an adjustment, this is a wonderful celebration now that it is done. Going a direction of negativity will only make things more hectic for both of you. You sound like a very understanding mom as you went through this as well........who could ask for a better mom ????? She will need you, no question. She can still do school and at least it was not during HS in a way. Yes she is young and yes it will be a longer road to get a degree, but kids do it with only the support of the family.
I would encourage you to enjoy your role as gramma. But only the gramma role you foresaw yourself playing when your daughter was older, educated, employed, and married. The gramma role you might too easily find yourself in is that of being a secondary parent to your grandchild or a personal credit resource to your daughter and that is not fair to you.
So be happy for this new baby but be compassionately clear with your DD about where your gramma boundaries begin and end. It will be veeerrrrry hard to simply love your grandchild and avoid trying to parent her and enable your daughter -- But you will need to be able to kiss her goodbye and walk out and leave your daughter and the father to deal with their responsibilities themselves.
Well, I think you just need some time to get your head around the situation. After all, she's an adult and this is now the reality, right? You can supprt her without enabling her. Maybe this will go a long way in hurrying her maturity level? You sound like you did OK! Right?
