Hello everyone, my name is E. and I am new to the forum.
This is only really a hypothetical in my case, however my husband grew up in a tiny apartment with his father and they were really poor and he would have to walk to school and they never had money for any luxuries really, I won't go into too much detail but he said that not many people really gave him hassle over it but he mentioned one guy who he went to boy scouts with.
This guy was apparently overweight, very unintelligent (with an IQ of about 90 maximum) and he was generally a failure but he would bully my husband because he lived in a tiny apartment and because they did not have a car and because he sometimes
had to re-wear clothes and that sort of thing.
This horrible child though lived with his mother and she had a good job, a large house, two cars and he always had the newest things on demand, now my husband never did anything about the bullying he received and as it turns out he got a university scholarship, graduated with a good degree and became a successful marketer and had great kids and he is very happy.
Obviously this is not a situation I will have to deal with because our children have what they need and we are very strict with them about manners and being nice to people (my husband would throw a fit if any of them acted in the way this bully did) but lets say you were in the following situations:
1.) Your really poor and your son comes home and he was bullied by an overweight, stupid child about being poor.
2.) Your really rich and your son has treated a poorer child in a horrible manner for being poor.
How would you react to either of those situations, also if you have any similar stories or anything along those lines to share, I would love nothing more than for you to share them, I know it is not much of a question but it is my first one, I promise they will become more relevant in the future.
In answer to a number of you, I am not a troll, I am just interested to see how other mothers would react to that situation.
We don't approve of bullying either, but I suppose in my husband's case it would be easy to see someone for their flaws if they are being unkind to you, which is why he described the bully as he did.
Firstly I am very sorry if I offended anyone by my description of the bully, I assure you my husband never treated him badly for those reasons, he hates bullying more than anything.
Secondly I would like to thank everyone for answering this thread, it was very good of you all.
It would be best in my opinion to make sure the children don't sink to that level and insult the bully,
The only reason I mentioned those characteristics from the bully is I thought some of you would think it was part of the situation e.g. maybe he feels bad about himself which is why he treated someone else in such a way.
i think that someone who focuses on someone's weight and IQ over their behavior is well on their way to being a bully.
khairete
S.
Situation #1 - I would tell my child that the bully is doing that because he feels bad about himself or something in his life, so he's trying to make you feel bad so he can feel good. These are people we have to have sympathy for, not anger toward. They are very sad people. So, next time he does that, consider where he's coming from and tell him you are sorry for him that he feels the need to act that way. (BTW, this is exactly what I have told my GD about kids who may have done something she considers "mean" to her.)
Situation #2 - I think I might do what I heard on the radio that a parent did to their child for just this sort of thing. Go buy my child some used clothes at the thrift store and make him/her wear them so that they can learn empathy for other people.
I heard a story on the radio that a mother did that. And she bought horrible clothes that didn't match and forced her daughter to wear them. The daughter learned her lesson, gained empathy for those less fortunate and is now befriending those less fortunate.
Let's say I'm doing a research paper on bullying. And let's say that I need the opinions of a group of moms. And in theory I can just go up to moms on the street and ask however I decide that I'll join an online forum on moms and ask there. Because I don't believe that you care how a group of strangers would have treated your husband if we mothered the bully child or the child being picked on.
Shouldn't you be terrorizing goats trying to cross your bridge?
I'm sorry Evey, you really do sound like you're writing a research paper. Even if this is true, the bullying obviously happened so long ago - who cares any more?!?! Also, if this is true, did your husband ever think that maybe the kid with a 90 IQ had some sort of disability? And how did he know the kid's IQ? That doesn't make any sense. If you're writing a paper you should just be honest about it. There are probably lots of moms on here who would help and give you stories, if you're honest.
Is this some school research assignment?
Not sure I understand why you repeatedly made the point that this boy who bullied you husband was overweight.
I must have missed all that scientific research linking fatness to meaness and/or stupidity.
Wow .... stupid, over weight, poor .... who's the bully now!!! Good luck to your kids because if mom speaks with such racist tones and is clueless about it ....your children are sure to be bullies. People are peole no matter what they have or look like. How about you just teach your children to be kind to others and appreciative for what they have.
Sandy? Alexander? Is that you?
It sounds like you don't have an understanding of WHY someone becomes a bully.
No one "approves" of bullying. ANY mother would be upset to think of ANY child either being bullied or being in a situation where one of their outlets was to be cruel to another child (AKA "the bully").
So - I guess I don't understand your question. Socio-economic status has NOTHING to do with how bullying affects a child. On either end. For the bully or the bullied. Monetary income, housing, IQ, weight. None of these things matter.
Because the "things" aren't the reason for why a bully chooses to (or not to) bully another child.
They are SECONDARY to the fact that you have a child with issues. Those issues are reflected when the bully chooses to assert pervasive, inappropriate negative influence on another person.
The government defines bullying as: unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Both kids who are bullied and who bully others may have serious, lasting problems.
Back to your question. A rich kid gets bullied. A poor kid gets bullied. BOTH are equal in terms of potential effect. I would react by teaching my child to stand up for her/himself. Which is the only way to stop bullying, by the way.
What's your actual question?
Hi,
Welcome to Mamapedia. Let me first suggest that you will get more responses if you make your title a little more specific. For example, this one could be titled "How to handle bullying" or "Bullying based on economic status." There's nothing wrong with the way you did it, but it saves people time if the titles give a clue about the subject, and you won't miss people who might have a lot to contribute.
I think all we can do is raise our kids to be thoughtful and non-judgmental. That includes, as you say, not judging based on economic status or the trappings of success - size of house, neighborhood, who has what kind of car, and so on. We teach them to judge the book, not the cover.
We also have to teach them some skills for dealing with insulting responses from others. Your kids, like all our kids, will get pressure to wear certain clothes (character t-shirts, designer duds) and will hear (and be encouraged to join) others in taunting those who don't have them.
We also need to teach our kids to respect everyone regardless of intellectual ability. I'm not sure how your husband knows that the boy from his childhood had an IQ of 90, but hopefully everyone understands that an IQ is nothing a person can do anything about. We don't reward kids with high IQs and we don't disparage those with low IQs. Therefore, I would react to my child being bullied without being so concerned with characteristics like overweight or low IQ. In my house, we never allowed the kids to label anyone else as "stupid". It's cruel and judgmental, just as cruel and judgmental as someone choosing to belittle your husband because of his economic status.
If someone is less capable of learning certain things, that's one thing - ideally he's good at something else. If he's overweight, that's not usually the fault of the child. If he's overweight and gets teased because of it, it might explain why he tends to lash out at others - he treats them as he has been treated, possibly as a defense mechanism. If he's limited in intellect, he may need extra help in learning how to behave - and he may also be the victim of others bullying him.
I made sure our son never knew how much money we had or what our salaries were, what our house cost, what our cars cost. Wherever we spent money, we economized in other areas. Our play groups always did food collection drives for the food pantry, and you'd be shocked at how many bankers' kids are sitting there waiting for food, how many nice cars might be in the parking lot because the family owned the car before the economy tanked or the banks merged and Dad and/or Mom was out of a job.
My son didn't belittle anyone for being poor, but he did engage in inappropriate behavior on a school bus one time, and we got a call from the school. I can tell you, instead of defending our child, we listened to what the guidance counselor had to say, talked to our son to get his version, saw the flaws in his behavior, and absolutely stood behind the school in the disciplinary actions they took. Our son never did that sort of thing again, I can tell you that.
If we live the values we espouse, and if we make our kids responsible and responsive, and if we don't back them up all the time with excuses like "he didn't know better" or "the other kid started it" or "my son shouldn't miss out on the field trip because we pay full taxes in the town" or "my daughter is gifted with a high IQ", we'll see less of a sense of entitlement among our kids.
Don't you want to know what I would do if an average sized person of average intelligence bullied my child or do you want advice specifically for fat, stupid, general failure bullies? As a thoughtful parent, I would address the bullying for what it was, not based on the size, IQ, and wealth of the bully.
Time for your husband to go to therapy to work through his pain of being bullied. It's not healthy for your husband to be so embittered against another person.The terminology you used is kind of disturbing. I can see a child lashing out in such a way, but not a well adjusted adult.
I don't see what the kid's appearance and intelligence has to do with anything. Being overweight or stupid has nothing to do with being cruel. You may as well say "what would you do if your child was bullied by a smart kid with brown hair and freckles?" It makes no sense to me.
Being rich and poor is relative, but if I felt one of my kids was teasing someone for having less than them I would of course be disappointed (duh, who wouldn't?)
I was wondering the same thing...Research assignment or troll. Either way, not interested.
I think Diane B's answer was very much on target. It's about how human beings treat each other, teaching empathy and teaching our children to live thoughtfully.
That said, your situation seems very awkward. Does it matter that the other boy is fat and perhaps has an intellectual disability? Do we not hold both children up to the same standard of treating others as one would want to be treated? I would most certainly not use another child's weaknesses to console my kid. I would rather give him tools for standing up for himself, whoever he has to deal with. Likewise, if my child was teasing another child for their lack of money/cool toys/clothes/whatever, I'd just be focusing on "what was in your heart when you said that to him?" and helping him deal with his feelings of anger more constructively than to lash out with low-blows. As parents, we must state our expectations of how to deal with one's anger OR how to deal with bullies.
Rich or poor is just an excuse to bully just like race or weight.
All any parent can do is teach their children compassion, role play with them so they know what if feels like to be picked on and to teach them how to get away from a distressing situation--- we give our kids the tools to cope with lameness, that's all we need to do. It will all work out the way it is to go.
We cant totally protect them at all times, the world makes us tough. We only hope that our child is not mean but some kids have that nature about them-- humans are like that, yeah they are.
I have to say I'm a bit offended by your decision that 90 was a very low IQ. You do know that's the low side of normal right? Many smart and successful people have IQ's of 90.
130 and above, Very Superior.
120–129, Very Bright.
110–119, Bright.
90–109, Normal.
70 and below is developmentally disabled.
So please don't come on here saying that someone with a normal IQ is
"very unintelligent (with an IQ of about 90 maximum)".
I think that dealing with someone that is a bully is hard for kids. It's even harder for parents because they know this person who is terrorizing their children won't matter in the long run because they'll drop to the wayside of life and won't be in your child's life once they grow up.
I think you and your hubby need to make sure you don't come off as snobs to others because that is truly how your post sounded to me.
I will try to answer the question you asked:
1) I would suggest that he steal (or "borrow") the other kid's lunch money.
2) I would give him 20 lashes with a wet $50 bill.
1. I would tell my son, "It's terrible what this kid is saying. It's not okay, and we are going to put an end to it. I'm calling the principal today. However, if I hear you saying one word about this kid's weight, or one word about his intelligence, you are in the trouble of a lifetime, young man. Because you do not ever, ever stoop to that level. You're better than that. You're a million times better than that. And we're going to handle this in a way that lets you hold your head up high."
2. I'd tell my son (in simple terms, because he has an intellectual disability), "You did something that was not okay. You were mean to another kid. You are not EVER allowed to be mean. Two things are going to happen. You are going to have a punishment, and you are going to make it better. The punishment is that you are going to lose [X privilege] for one week. To make it better, you are going to write this boy a note and say 'I am sorry.' I don't care if you don't want to. You have to. And if you ever do this again, you will lose [X privilege] for one month. Now tell me back what I just told you. Now."
In other words, zero tolerance for bullying. But a big part of zero tolerance is leaving weight and intelligence out of the equation. I'd recommend you think through the prejudices you're bringing to this scenario.
