I colored my hair last night. When the dye was still on my head I was like “eekk look the dye turned a red color what ya think that means?” He said I don’t know. It’ll be fine.” I go and shower and blow dry. Well it ended up a more strawberry blonde than the blonde I wanted, but it doesn’t look bad. I asked my husband how it looked and he responded loudly with
“OH MY EFFINg GOD! HERE WE GO AGAIN! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ASK ME THIS SH*T?!! I ALREADY TOLD YOU IT LOOKS FINE!!”
I told him he had not seen it since I rinsed the dye out and dried it. I also told him that even if he HAD already told me that it looked good he could have just said nicely “it looks good honey” instead of being mean to me.
I don’t get why he acted like that. I have never been the type of woman to go into a tizzy if my husband answers me honestly when I ask a “how do I look” question. I may ask him why he has a certain opinion and pointers to fix it though.
It seems like he does that a lot here lately… I’ll try to ask him about almost anything and he acts like I am trying to start some kind of fight. This is PART of what prompted my earlier question.
AM I stupid because this really hurt my feelings? I mean the ache in your chest kinda hurt…
This is just the most recent out of the blue mini blow up where I could not figure out what the hell I did wrong.
I DID cry like a baby after I got to work this morning. =\
Yes I know it's verbal abuse. He has been verbally (and sometimes physically) abusive for alot of years now... It used to be easier to deal with, when I was able to talk to someone. However, a few months ago I was told that people were tired of my venting .. said I was 'playing the victim' so I stopped talking. I am a talker though, I need to talk to process and get through things...Anywho... I have been with him a really long time, the kids are almost grown. I havent left because I was convinced he would be able to take my kids... Anyway.. I never know what when or where or why he may blow ... and I am always told I am being too sensetive... SOmetimes it's really hard to ignore the BS.
It would make me feel like dude this is not about my question so what is it about?
OK, some great points to ponder from other moms....
But... I am the one in the relationship who can respond this way, more than my husband. I honestly feel pestered if he asks me the same question more than once. You did, you already asked about your hair once. Why again, why now....Because your question requires him ( or me with ADD) to stop what I'm doing, or thinking about, or planning, to look at you and assess all over again and have another, same oh, same oh, response.
His yelling is not OK, at any level. He can be bothered, and say not now, leave me alone...but no yelling.
He needs to figure out how to be civil....and perhaps you can look in the mirror and see for yourself if you like the color.
So, last night, after climbing into bed, my husband rolled over and said to me...You looked so pretty at dinner tonight.....in pink, and you smelled so nice too....As I thought about it....my husband has NEVER said that to me, ever. His mom's favorite color is pink and she wore it all the time...and the perfume was a gift from a girlfriend, and I just realized his mom wears the same perfume....so I was bit disturbed by my realizations about that connection. My husband has only ever ONCE noticed my hair cuts and color. I would NEVER ask him for what his thoughts are about my hair.
Tell him he's been short lately. What is going on? Is he stressed at work? He shouldn't snap your head off.
If he won't talk to you, consider counseling for yourself.
My divorce is nearly final now, and it was because of stupid things like that. My child and I couldn't do anything right sometimes, and I know it was because of work stress, but you know what? Having a nice home and family to come to after a bad day at work is supposed to be a good thing, not an excuse to make everyone who loves you unhappy and wish you would stay at work longer. It took having my kindergartener look at me one day and say, "I hate it when my dad comes home" to get me thinking about the situation, and a few more of his mean outbursts later, we were done.
I cannot tell you how much happier I am. My finances aren't nearly as good, but I can breathe freely. And I am delighted to report that my soon-to-be-ex-husband is finally being nice--really nice--to our child. Being alone has changed his attitude, but it's too late in my case. It's not too late to mend fences with our child, however, and he has gone a long way towards building a good relationship with her. She finally has a father instead of a mean guy who picks on her all the time. It will make a world of difference in her future relationships and success, I believe.
Listen to your instincts. The ache in your chest is telling you to change things. Whether that is to stay and make things work or to get out and be free is up to you. But you have to change something or you will never be happy. Best of luck to you.
Sounds like... something is bothering him.
How is work for him?
Bills?
Money?
Anything in his life going bad???
How is your relationship with him?
You said, he reacts this way "lately..."
There must be a reason.
But if my Husband did that to me... he knows DARN well... I will open my mouth and not take it.
I think that a man is perhaps not the best source to seek for beauty or fashion advice! Maybe a quick "These shoes or these shoes?" but otherwise I wouldn't put that much stock into what my husband has to say about hair, make-up or clothing.
PLUS there are just some things men would really rather just NEVER have a conversation about --ever again. Probably hair, make-up and fashion would fall into that group.
It DID hurt your feelings. You can't change that.
I would be more upset by the yelling (tone) than by what he actually said, just because I wouldn't consider a man to have good advice/opinion/ideas about hair color! He's probably just not that interested....
Don't take it too much to heart...I'll bet it is fine. :)
The way your husband responded to you was verbally abusive. Stop it now before it gets worse. If he is worried about finances or his job, he shouldn't be taking it out on you. Perhaps you can pick a time when he, and you, are both calm and gently explain how his yelling at you made you feel so hurt. Ask him if there is anything on his mind that he wants to share with you. Everybody goes through cranky times but he needs to be in control of his emotions. Don't apologize for "making him mad" because all you did was ask him a question. If something is bothering him, then he needs to share it with you because you are a family and families work things out. Good luck.
Gee, if talking to him does THIS, I wouldn't blame you for not talking to him.
Why do you ask if you are stupid for this hurting your feelings? Of course it should hurt your feelings! You aren't made of stone!
You really need to get this man to go to counseling with you. If you don't, and you put up with him treating you this way, your own child will start treating you like this too. That is something that will tear your heart to pieces.
There is something very wrong here with how he talks to you, M.. Please get some help.
Dawn
M., Dawn is right. I listened to my own Dad treat my mother this way her whole life. I absolutely hated all the yelling so I pretty much stayed down in my room away from the ruckus and then moved out as fast as I could. My Dad is a good person in a lot of ways, but I just cringe when I see and hear how he treats my mom. And really, it is the exact stuff you are talking about: he makes her feel stupid if she asks him the tiniest question, so she just doesn't talk to him at all any more. They have totally drifted apart. The kids have now all moved out and she has told me many times that she is not sure whether she can stand staying with him for the rest of her life. And you should hear the way my brothers speak to her. They are so incredibly disrespectful and mean. They are simply copying how Dad has spoken to her for 30 years.
Here is what I would suggest: First, counseling. By yourself, and together as a couple. You need to find a way to stand up for yourself. It sounds like you do not want to rock the boat and you are "the peacekeeper" so when he says these horrid things, you smile and try to calm him down (and then go cry in the bathroom). But you need to stop allowing this disrespect. I hope you can be strong and stop allowing it; it is the only way he will ever stop, I am afraid.
Wow, he should not have talked to you like that, of course you are hurt, I sure would be. I think if that had happened to me I would probably not talk to him about it for a bit and think on it and pray about it and honestly ask God to heal me and forgive him for being verbally abusive toward me. A man is not to treat his wife in this way. After all that, and I was feeling better, I would probably try and talk about it with him. Is he under some kind of new stress? Job or otherwise? This does not excuse it, just wondering. You are not his punching bag verbally, when you feel like you can talk to him without yelling or getting too emotional about it, I think you should tell him so. Good luck and hang in there!
Not stupid at all and I probably would of went in to the bathroom and cried like a baby! Wow you sure didn't deserve that! I don't have any solutions but yes love, you have every right to be upset and im sorry he was so ugly to you.im sure you look fierce! I love red hair, my mommy had it :)
Since you say this is happening a lot lately I will assume this is something new. So.....
My guess is that something is bothering your husband and that it has nothing to do with you at all. Can you find some time to talk? Avoid accusations, just let him know how you felt when he yelled at you and tell him you are concerned about him because this seems different for him. Ask him what is going on. He may be having pressure at work or is worrying about money. See if he needs some help.
You can go to your church for counseling...it is never ok to be treated like tat! Please get help & new friends who will let you vent and be there for you!
You're not stupid. Of course this would hurt your feelings. Being spoken to like that would hurt anyone's. I have a saying that I like to remember that goes " If the strength of the reaction is our of proportion to the situation it isn't about the situation." It does seem as though this is a pretty big over- reaction to a simple question or request for an opinion, so I'd guess there is something else bugging him that has nothing to do with your hair. HOWEVER, there's no excuse for talking to you that way for any reason. I'd say if anyone was trying to provoke a fight it would be him reacting this way.
It's one thing for someone to overreact or be annoyed, and it's another to be disrespectful and insulting. I don't have much patience for that.
what stressors are in your life and your husband's? If he's been reacting a lot lately - it could be that he's under stress and not sharing it with you....
Sounds like you two need to have some "together" time to get reconnected and communicate with each other again. Many marriages go through that - disconnected phase - sometimes it happens more than once - life happens and we just sit back and forget to "tend" to our marriage....
Men are visual beings....COMMUNICATE with him....
No, you are NOT stupid. He was rash and inappropriate. However, I believe that there is more here than what you or we know. Start communicating again...it's not always easy!! Let him know he hurt you. let him know that you will NOT allow him to treat you that way in the future...
GOOD LUCK!
