How to Respond to Constant "I Can't Do It"

My grandfather told me at an early age that "theres no such word as cant". I was born with a disability and would often have bad days and say i couldnt do something. HE would look at me and say "theres no such word as cant, and if cant couldnt do something then nothing would get done" or something like that lol.

I really enjoyed reading some of the responses to your question. I wish you well in helping your daughter develop initiative.

I am reading a book, "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers" by Jane Nelsen and thought the chapter on "I Can't Do It" might be helpful. You can look in the library/book store for the series. There may be a book more relevant to 4 year old in Positive Discipline (I have a 3 year old and a 10 month old). Here are the notes I typed up on this chapter and developing initiative.

"Initiative or Manipulation
•A child who is discouraged from developing initiative sometimes responds by developing manipulation skills instead. This is the child who withdraws into helplessness and insists that you do everything for her.
•Instead of developing the attitude “I can do it,” she seeks belonging and significance through an attitude of “I can’t.”
•Whenever your child misbehaves, you might ask yourself, “Could this behavior be founded in discouragement and mistaken ideas about how to belong?”
•You can say “no” and allow your child to have her feelings. When she cries, they can empathize: “I know this is disappointing and that you are upset.” Or you could say, “It is okay to feel sad as long as you want to. Come find me when you are done.”
•How to encourage initiative and discourage manipulation
oBy providing a range of opportunities, time for training, and encouragement for the many things children can do. When supported in this way, children learn to trust themselves and to feel capable.
oFamily meetings are a great way to help children to develop initiative
oPlay Let’s Pretend: Teach them skills and help them understand the difference between effective (respectful) and ineffective (disrespectful) behavior. Ex: “You be the daddy, and I’ll be the little boy. We are at the pancake house. How should I behave? Should I cry and run around and throw my food like this?” Then demonstrate. Or should I sit quietly in the seat and eat, or perhaps color quietly while I wait?” Then demonstrate and have your child supervise your behavior. Reverse roles and let the child portray being both disrespectful and respectful. Be sure to engage your child in a conversation so he can lean the benefits of respectful behavior.
oState Clear Expectations: Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
Example: Some preparation and groundwork will be necessary. Ask your child how he thinks he should act at the big stadium. “We should sit still?” You can tell him “we can stand up sometimes. And we can walk together to get a cold drink or a hot dog. Explore the guidelines for the big day—holding hands, walking together, what they will eat and a souvenir. They agree that if Cody runs away or climbs on the seats, they will have to return to the car. When curiosity gets the better of him, a firm hand on his shoulder (without scolding or a lecture) draws him back to Dad’s side. And when he decides to misbehave, his Dad only has to ask him what their agreement was.
oOffer Limited Choices and Follow Through: Calmly ask if your child wants to hold your hand on the way to the car or be carried. You shouldn’t scold or remind your child while you are leaving. You should treat your child respectfully and when she begins to wail that you are leaving, you can assure her that you are confident the next time you come to the zoo, she would make better choices.
Giving a child a chance to try again is reasonable and encouraging
When you follow through with kindness and firmness, you won’t have to miss many outings before your child learns that you say what you mean and will follow through."

A.,

The most important thing a parent can do for their child is to look at them with confidence and know that they are wonderful creatures that process so much beauty inside. When you see your daughter don't look at her as though she is a child that has issues because this school did this or she had this experience and so now she is like this or that. When your child looks at you reflect an intelligent capable girl in your eyes and don't think anything else. This is more powerful than any thoughts from anyone.

Let your child know that no matter what the situation she may be in that she is strong and able and has the ability to do whatever she needs to do by always expecting this from her. I understand that we do our best in ensuring situations that we feel would be good for our children, but I think it gives them a false sense of security in thinking that if you control every environment that your in it will produce the right results. Be positive about changes you make for her and let that be the focus instead (like the new school) so it's not as if the environment speaks for her ability to be sucessful. A mothers thought is more powerful than her words.

Use language that consist of positive words like, "you are going to learn to read". Don't use words that seem as though other people have power over your chld's life as if they control her being. Involve her in telling you what she thinks about things that are going on in her life and others around her.

Talk to her about things in a positive manner all the time and this will teach her to communicate with you about what is going on her life both postive and negative. Give her time to process her experiences and tell you what she thinks about things. If she doesn't want to talk why not draw, sing or whatever other way she feels like expressing herself.

Enjoy your wonderful gifts.
G.

Certainly, showing a child everyday that they are not capable will eventually convince them that they can't, but it is also normal for the age. She is learning so many new things that it is very overwhelming and a little scary. She may feel that being able to do all these new things will make her a big girl and that she will no longer be your baby. Either way, whatever her issue is, it will pass. Try a compromise.
"Lets color together... you color Elmo and I'll color cookie monster" or
"You write the first letter and I'll write the rest of the word"
Praise her not for how neat her letters are or how well she colored, but instead for the great colors she chose to use, and the effort she put into it. Recognize and compliment her for trying hard even though it was difficult and for not giving up. Take all emphasis off of the final product.
Also, you may try letting her practice by teaching her dolls, stuffed animals, baby cousins, etc... through playing school.
Show her that practicing letters does not have to be a pencil on paper, but can be chalk on the sidewalk or water painted onto the car.
Pick your battles and allow her to ask for help for some things just as a way to take the pressure off and to do her a favor every once and a while.

As a Montessori-trained preschool teacher, I usually handle these comments by looking at the child in a way that lets them know that I absolutely adore them, and say in my most loving and enthusiastic tone, "I believe in you! You're such a wonderful learner, I just KNOW you can do it!" Whenever possible, I remind the child of other obstacles that they have overcome. "Remember when you told me that you could not put on your own shoes, but you DID IT! ALL BY YOURSELF!!" Another tip is to break the job down, step by step. "You know what? These are velcro shoes, and I just bet you can put these on. First, just put yout foot in. Okay, nice work! Now, pull the strap across and see where the velcro is on the strap and right here where it is on the shoe? Those go together. You did it! You must be so proud of yourself! I know I'M proud of you. You sure are growing up!" Don't beat yourself up too much for her past experiences. Children are more adaptable than we often give them credit for. You sound like a wonderful, attentive mother, and she is blessed to have a mother like you. God bless you and yours! :)

I had the same thing happen---to my particular daughter (the youngest) because (I found out laterrrrr...) she is a perfectionist, and doesn't want to "do mistakes" in front of people. Go figure. Our solution WAS going to Montessori school--it was the BEST thing that could have ever happened to her. Also, I let her have a little "privacy" when she tried things for the first (2nd, 3rd...) times, until "she got it", which helped a lot!!
Good luck!!

Sounds like you may have a little perfectionist on your hands! My daughter is similar. If things don't come out the way she wants them, she shuts down. We are trying to teach her in every moment she gets frustrated, that messing up helps us to learn, and that is the way of learning, and everyone does it. Slowly, she has been getting it, and is now starting to say, it's okay mom, it doesn't have to be perfect, right?!

A.,

I would encourage/initiate a lot of free-form art projects. Put the coloring books and step-by-step instruction projects away for awhile and just doodle on blank paper or do a lot of abstract art with cut up paper and glue. A game my daughter and I play is I have to copy her. We'll get a bunch of different pens and blank paper. She'll draw a few lines/squiggles and then I'll try to draw the same thing. She'll get another color and draw more then I'll try to copy. It is harder than it seems (for me) and it shows kids that even parents sometimes can't draw as well as they can! It shows there is more than one way to do something and we each have our own flare and style.

I would also help her change her wording. If she says "I can't do it" you could gently rephrase and say you can do it. Yes, it may be tricky at first or you you may need to practice a bit, but you are a clever girl and I can give you advice if you need it. Praise her for trying, even if the outcome is less than ideal.

You may even want to speak with her frankly about her preschool experience and help her see the connection between those teachers' style of teaching and her sudden worry about the "right" way to do things.

Hi A.,

One of the best pieces of advice I was given at my baby shower for my first was, when your child asks, "can I climb up there?" your answer should always be, "I don't know, can you?" In your daughter's case, there's only one way to get back what she's temporarily chosen to give up (as a response to whatever negatives were going on at school) - she's got to decide for herself that she can and does want to do whatever it is. If our (grown up) emotions are removed and it's purely left to her (which is what you'll find they will do at Montessori), leaving the child to make choices, the child will eventually choose to try.

If it were my daughter and she said, "I can't," then, my reply might be, "oh...that's unfortunate. If you were able to do it, you would probably really have fun at it - and I bet you'd even be good at it. But, if you don't want to try, that's up to you." And move onto something else quickly - like, "so, I'm going to go blow bubbles now...if you want to join me, I'll be over there, doing that!" If you basically have no investment in what she chooses and you make what she says she can't do sound exciting (while it's sad she won't get to enjoy that - you want her to have things she enjoys but if her choice is different, that's okay too...), in spite of her not choosing it... well, you may find that she'll consider it again and the next time, perhaps she won't bother saying she can't but instead might ask for some help in trying it. Be patient. Be supportive. Remove your personal investment in her reaching a milestone you want for her right now. And, I bet, eventually, she'll be choosing to try new things again soon!

You're a loving mom for being aware of her and wanting what is best for her. That she chooses her achievements out of personal desire and motivation and you, as her leader, are little more than a gentle nudge for direction are all important to her 'wins' and self confidence. I wish the best for you over the summer and in Montessori! A great educational experience for the younger ages, for sure!

WR,
T. B.

It's important to not over-praise children. They know if a picture they colored is unattractive. Instead of giving false praise, it is better to say things like "I like all the different colors you used" or "tell me about this part of it". Then they don't feel pressure to meet these high standards that they perceive. Also, I would highly recommend John Rosemond's Six Point Plan for Raising Happy Healthy Children (a book), or check out his website at www.rosemond.com. He has tons of good ideas.

I think that this is a normal age to start recognizing what they are good at and losing interest in things they feel they are not. It shouldn't last forever though. We made "can't" a word we don't use in our house and we say "I'll try" instead. Advise from experience would be not to push her to do what she feels she is not good at and help her focus on things she feels confident about. Then add the others as time goes on and she should pick up interest again. It's a bummer that her preschool wasn't more encouraging, hopefully you can find something that suits you all better.

Maybe enroll her in an art activity for the summer - but discuss the issues with the teacher beforehand and make sure you are on the same page. OR if she has any older relatives or neighbor kids, just playing with them for an afternoon and having them praise her about things could do the trick!

A.,

My 4 1/2 year old son went through a similar phase, but not because of teachers. When he'd say "I can't" we'd say "Yes you can, try" then praise the heck out of him for trying.

It's horrible that the teacher(s) took her confidence, kids should not have to suffer that.

I would try and encourage her to do the things she already knows how to do, like writing her name, but not push/force her to do them. Give her a blank piece of paper and some crayons and ask her to draw you a special picture, then have her "sign" her name at the bottom when she's done. Then proudly post it on the refrigerator and praise the heck out of her artwork.

She needs you and Dad to encourage and praise her for being sooooooo smart/talented/etc. Lay it on thick for her too, she needs it to rebuild the self-confidence.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Try broadening her confidence -- right now, things involving marks on paper are clearly fraught, so don't go there for a while. Just point out, specifically and in detail, whatever random thing she does that honestly makes you happy. Then when she does next make marks on paper, you can say, perfectly honestly, that looking at it makes you happy -- and she can file the experience with the other "happy Mom" experiences instead of with the "letters and art" experiences.

And thanks for pointing out something so specific to look for in evaluating preschools -- I won't claim that there are no children who would benefit from that teaching style, but I don't happen to know any.

Oh -- and I love the suggestion about the copying game. That means she's not under pressure to produce something, just playing and watching you model how to deal with a tough job!

I've had a long battle with this with my younger son (now 7) because he compares himself to his older brother (10) and feels that he is not as smart because he can't read, do math, draw, etc. as well as his older brother, and so he doesn't even want to try new things if he can't be good at them right away. It has been so frustrating for me to watch him struggle with feeling that he is not as smart, because I was the younger child who thought that my older brother was brilliant and I wasn't as smart as he was.

We have worked very hard at pointing out how exceptional he is at some things, and his response has always been, "Yeah, but that's easy!". He just didn't get it that he was expecting too much from himself. This year I finally sat down with him and put on a whole big show about me being stupid and no good because I didn't know French, Spanish, German, Portuguese, Russian, etc. Of course, he rushed to console me and explained that it was just because I hadn't grown up in those countries, but he thought I could learn it if I tried. I laughed out loud and shouted, "Exactly!!", and then explained to him that anyone can learn to do anything if they try and put in the effort. It may be hard at first, but everyone has to learn things before they're good at them. This talk, along with the fact that this year he realized that he was better at something than his older brother, have really helped him to turn the corner and have a little more self confidence. Luckily my older son has been a great sport about making a big deal of his little brother's accomplishments as well, which has also been a great help.

I know this is for a little older age group, but it is the end of this issue that we have been dealing with for years. As far as the 4-year-old, there has been a lot of great advice here already, but one thing that I don't think has been mentioned, is see if some positive reinforcement from a peer of your daughter would help... Kids that age can be pretty easily prompted, and if one of her friends came over to do some art work or some project with her and then told her what a good job she was doing, it might sink in a little more with her than the same compliment from an adult. If you can enlist the help of the right 5-6 year old, who can take her by the hand and show her how to do some new things, it might encourage her to try it.

Good luck!

Tell her that she can do anything she wants to do...she just needs to try. Encourage her to do the projects and remind her that it doesn't have to be perfect. Also, do your own free-form art with her. Let her know that you aren't going to be upset if she messes up. Make mistakes with her and show her that adults aren't always perfect.

Remind her that she was just as small as her younger sibling at one time and didn't know how to do ANYTHING when she was that small either, and just look at her now. Point out her accomplishments and she will see just how awesome she is.

constant "great job" give her easy stuff at first then praise praise praise....

I have two 4.5 y/o's I hear this all the time. I remember clearly standing on the Great Wall in China prior to picking up our son and telling my hubby "I don't EVER want to hear the word 'can't' out of his mouth. This wall is a testimony to the strength of his people." Well I hear it from him and he got it from our daughter.

Like a broken record I repeat after the "I can't" with a "We don't use that word in our home. You can ask for help but you aren't allowed to give up. Give it a try you might surprise yourself."

C.-WAHM to 4 y/o virtual twins
Owner:BeHappierAtHome.com