How to Not Care So Much

Someone responded with this to another question that I posted:

truly alive-“ living to please was exhausting.
she had to leave their expectations behind.
listening to her heart, she followed.
following her heart, she danced.
and she began to feel truly alive. ”~terri st. cloud

There is a great book by Joyce Meyer called "Approval Addition" that might be worth taking a look at. You can get it use on Amazon for $2.50.

I feel like I could have written that myself. I have definitely started to care less, simply because the stress of it all was getting to me. I have started to try and implement the same values I teach my kids. Taking care of yourself is not being malicious to others. As long as your heart is in the right place, you don't always have to accommodate other people's needs. You are obviously not trying to be hurtful, but sometimes you need to put your needs (and families) first and I have found that people respect that. Sometimes I think that puts people at ease - it feels more genuine and less needy. Good luck - I understand your pain, but you need to look out for yourself and family first.

Hi,

I have been reading about different personality types. I think it is within your personality and makeup to be a sensitive, emotional, caring person. Sometimes that is great and sometimes it hurts you. I think you should embrace that as a positive about yourself, but direct it mostly to your kids and husband, and for people that don't appreciate you, stop putting your energy into them. What kind of job do you have? I think you should have a nurturing career, like a nurse or that type of thing because everyone who has a good nurse appreciates a good nurse and is grateful for that. Some personalities are less sensitve and don't mean to hurt your feelings. Like me. If I don't want to go to a family or friend party, I don't go, but I am also assuming that they don't care if I come or not. If someone were to tell me that their feelings would be hurt if I didn't come, I would try to come, all the while wondering why their feelings would be hurt if I didn't. That's just me.

Hi Cindy, I understand how you feel. I would like to make this as simple as possible. Everyone is different. Respect the differences. It's ok for others to do things the way they want, just like it's ok for you to do things the way you want. You can tell the people in your life how you feel about a situation and then let them decide what they want to do about it. No need to get upset.
For instance your brother and his wife, after a long week of work they may just want to relax for the weekend. My son works 60+ hours a week but seldom gets time to relax on weekends with a 6 yr old stepson and 10 month old son.Sometimes what we think is selfish on other peoples parts is what they have to do to keep it together for themselves.
At work, again state your case and be done with it, no point in rehashing everything unless someone has a question. Hope this helps even if it's just a little bit.

I think that you may be inadvertantly placing your expectations on to other people and getting disappointed. As far as the holidays, not everyone places a significance on family gatherings and it doesn't mean they don't care about you. I get along great with my family and in-laws but would honestly prefer to go on vacation rather than do the traditional stuff. My husband feels sorry for his mother being alone so we don't.

Worrying never helps anything. Action does and you will feel better. Letting your brother know that the Saturday before Thanksgiving is really YOUR Thanksgiving with him etc and you will really miss him and wish you could spend that time with him is about all you can do. If he doesn't get it, it's OK to be sad about it, but move on...it's his loss. Be thankful for the family members that do participate and enjoy the time and holiday with them. There's one in every family. You are not alone! Worrying about this and all the other things you mentioned just allows those other people to steal YOUR joy in life. Give what you can, receive what is given and stop the worrying!

Honestly, you seem very anxious. Perhaps you should seek professional help (my sister sounds a lot like you and she started taking an anti-anxiety drug and is feeling a lot better). I think you should continue to invite your brother to family functions. If he doesn't care to attend, you need to accept this and not turn it into a personal affront to you (not everyone is a social butterfly). It isn't that your brother doesn't care about you or your family...he just doesn't want to go to a family function and there is nothing wrong with that. In this case, he already has Thanksgiving plans and probably just doesn't want to "deal with" two Thanksgivings. The holidays are stressful for a lot of people. Maybe your brother is one of these people. I don't always want to attend family things. It seems like my family (I live out of state so it doesn't matter) and my husband's family have get togethers all the time. Seriously, all the time. I am invited to sales parties at least 3 times a month and then there are birthday parties and holiday parties and the we are just getting together this weekend why don't you come parties. Sometimes I want to stay home and just be. It isn't that I don't like the family. It is highly doubtful that your brother thinks you are a bad person but he might not appreciate if you try to coerce or guilt him into attending events in which he has no interest. As for doing things differently, I am not sure you can or should. If you know that 80% of the time your brother is invited to something he will not attend then don't expect him to change. If you tell yourself from the beginning, I will invite brother but he probably won't show then perhaps that will help you to not feel so disappointed. Good luck!

First you have to see that just because events are important to you doesn't mean they are important to others. My oldest brother and his wife have no children and they do not attend all family functions. That's ok. I'm happy to see them when they stop by but don't plan on seeing them at everything. One of my younger brothers lives in Australia so he attends nothing but we keep in touch through email and phone calls. My other younger brother and his wife take the same approach as my oldest brother and show up whenever they want.

So my advice is to do the things that make you and your family happy. If you don't want to attend something just say you are sorry but you won't be attending and leave it at that. The only person who can make you feel bad about it is yourself. You have to believe that your feeling and time are valuable and should be spent on what's important to you.

I just wanted to say that I would be really hurt by that situation too, and I don't think that it means that you're depressed or anxious. Some people are just worriers more than others. I feel like I'm always thinking about person X,Y or Z. And while I dislike that aspect about myself when I'm driving myself crazy figuring out how to please everyone, I do like that aspect about myself when I realize that it has enabled me to keep a lot of friends and be kind of a "peacekeeper" in my family. Every quality has its ups and downs.

What I will say, though, is if all this worrying is really making you feel like you can't ever be happy, or it's standing in the way of you standing up for yourself at work, or other life-impacting things, then it's not normal, and you should talk to your doctor. Because that's not healthy and can and should be addressed.

Good luck.

I am the same way...and I am still working at it. You are disappointed because you expect people to respond in the same way you would so when they do the opposite...well it's a downer. Trust me, you need to tone down your expectations of others. I still scratch my head when I see someone do something that I think is "uncaring" or inconsiderate to another. There's no simple way to "change your attitude". People will tell you time and time again that it is OK to look out for yourself and not to worry about anyone else, but it's not easy for people who think like we do.

These days if I make a decision NOT to be there or do something..I have to talk myself through it. It's going to be ok. No one is going to bite your head off because you didn't show up that party or you told someone "No". Turns out I got so worked up about nothing.

Good luck..you are obviously a loyal, dedicated, considerate and empathizing person. Don't change entirely who you are as a person, but do try to work on how you think others my perceive your actions. It's going to be ok. Your family will always love you, your "real" friends will always be there and will understand. If someone doesn't, then they most likely were taking advantage of you.

I agree with the poster who suggested that perhaps you are a bit anxious. I say this because when I read your post, it sounded exactly like something that my mother would write. My mother would always casually describe herself as a worrier and "tender-hearted" (she is a nurse by trade). That is the tip of the iceberg. She over thinks everything. She replays conversations in her head forever and gets upset thinking she really should have said this instead of that....or she should have offered to do x instead of y, etc. etc. She will not ever tell anyone no and often does things she has no interest in what so ever because she feels that is what she "should do." It is very difficult if not impossible for her to even voice her true opinion on anything.

This is going to sound ridiculous but once I found it so frustrating that I blew up at her about a simple dinner. She likes Mexican and my Dad does not so I often take her when she visits. Her last night in town, I said we would go out to Mexican for dinner. About 20 times before we were about to leave, she would say, "I don't want to cause you any trouble" or "I hope it won't be too much on you taking the baby to the restaurant." At first, I was not thinking and kept replying it was no big deal. Then I finally realized who I was talking to and realized that she almost talks in code. I realized then that she did not want to go to Mexican for dinner but would never tell me. I finally said, do you want to go some where else and she replied, "well we can go to Mexican if that is what you want or we can just pick something up so it would be easier for you. At this point I was beyond sick of the riddles and snapped and said “what would be easy for me is for you to just tell me what you want instead of making me guess.” Finally, after about a 5 minute silence, she practically whispered that that she would prefer to just have a salad. When she said this, she was looking down at the ground like she was saying something awful by voicing something she actually wanted. I asked her what the big deal was about just telling me that off the bat instead of playing that ridiculous game with me for more than an hour. She could not answer...it is just the way she is. After this visit, she did get even worse though. She would keep herself up all night worrying about what other people thought about everything and every interaction she had each day. She started questioning herself and calling work to be sure she did x or y for one of her patients (she always did what she was supposed to do). Finally, she went to talk to someone about it and was prescribed Zoloft. She is still herself but a little more relaxed.

You are not alone and you can overcome that without medication. Simply make a decision to take care of YOU. Mentally tell yourself, "I am not even going to worry about that" and walk away, dismiss it from your mind. Find something else to replace the thought. Find ways to say NO, by having a list of things YOU have to do. If you don't have anything planned for YOU, then you will only have space for everyone else. You cannot change who you are, someone with empathy, someone who is giving, someone who is caring, but you literally have to do it on YOUR terms. Just like a selfish person don't have the ability to think outside themselves, so is a giving person who don't have the ability to think outside of others. Both have to make an extra effort to do the opposite. Good luck.

I can totally relate and I agree with another post that you may be helped by an antidepressent. Depression and anxiousness are very related I learned and at times, I've taken zoloft and am amazed how the little things that would get me so upset in the past just aren't a big deal. I also agree that hormones play a big part. I wish I could remember the name of the book I read once (if you really want to know, reply and I will find it for you) that helps teach how to look at things differently. One thing I remember and has helped some is to not think "they SHOULD have done xyz" but to think "it would have been nice if they had done xyz". It kind of reframes things. What's also helped me a ton is to set expectations differently for different people. For instance, I almost am compelled to respond quickly to any email or call from a friend. Of course, not everyone is like that to me. So for awhile, I would get upset and annoyed with the person. Then I started kind of "reclassifying" friends. There are friends who I know will respond quickly too and if they don't, it's because they really have something going on. Other friends, I know might take awhile and now I've decided for one, treat them the same (takes the pressure off that I now don't feel compelled to get right back to some friends right away), and two, I've decided I like them enough to maintain a friendship despite what I used to consider a bit of inconsiderateness. So I've kind of learned with some people to not give as much or expect as much but it's ok - they're still a valuable friend in many ways. With your brother, honestly evaluate if he does like you and if you really think he does, decide he's the type of person who operates differently. And if sometime you don't feel like going to his house - not because you don't like him but bc you're tired etc - you'll just say no and can be comfortable he'll understand. I have a friend like that at work. He just doesn't do things he doesn't feel like. And I in turn don't feel so obligated to him and it's a relief at times. But we're great friends. Hope that helps...

I don't have much in the way of advice but this story may make you feel a little better, or at least not so alone ...

First, my family is on the east coast. My brother is in the Denver area. A few years ago at a school auction there was a week at a condo in Vale, CO up for auction. My husband stepped outside called my brother to see if we got the house, would the come up and visit up. My brother said sure, depending when it is. My husband told we could pick the week, sometime during the next year. We paid a couple thousand dollars for the package (it included airfare too.) My husband talked to my brother and in July they decide that the week of thanksgiving would work best. At the time we had a 3 year old, and my brothers kids were 5 and 7.

About three weeks before Thanksgiving, my brother calls me to see how I would feel about driving down from Vale to do Thanksgiving dinner at their house. He would make arrangements for my family to stay at his brother-in-laws. He also informed me that my sister is also planning to be out there. I called me sister and found out that she made her arrangements in September, and that my brother hadn't mentioned to her that we were coming. She also told me that she and her husband would be staying at my brothers.

I was so angry that we made our plans first, paid money and had space for my brother and family to come stay in Vale with us, but they couldn't drive the maybe 2 hours to come visit us; and that they had made other arrangments -- that we just didn't go.

If that isn't bad enough a year or two later, my brother from colorado traveled to the east coast to stay with my other brother who lives about 2 hours from my house, he didn't tell any of us. They happened to fly in and out of the airport by my house so they stopped and called, to meet us for a quick bite to eat. Of course if they hadn't done that, I might not have seen them, but I also might not have ever known that they had come, which would have been more sensitive to my feelings!

I still get angry when I think about these things. I just try to avoid them for my own sanity, and it gets easier with distance and time.

I've always been one that doesnt do what I dont want to do. It doesnt seem that hard.
If you want to have a family get together and no one else does.... you just have to find something else that YOU want to do.
Quit focusing on pleasing others or validating yourself by recognition from others.
Sounds like you need to work on yourself, something you have been avoiding by trying to be a people pleaser instead.
What's buggin ya on the inside that makes you think people don't care about you because they dont want to get together with you even when they dont have an excuse other than "we just dont feel like coming over"?
I love lots of people, but I turn down visits all the time if I just want to hang out on the couch with my husband and chill after a long week of work and stuff. Doesnt mean I dont like my friends or family, just means I'm too tired and dont want to go through the hassle of the visit, plain and simple. It's quite relaxing to take charge of your own life like that.

First off, how to not care so much - go through something like this! Rethink & analyze your position and reasons and feelings. Decide to "just say no" on some things that you realize you have only been doing out of obligation. And you give others the same option to do so. And you shrug your shoulders and say "oh well, it's their choice, nothing I can do about it" and move on. Don't dwell on it.

Now something else this is making me think about- no offense to you but hear me out.

I had a roommate/best friend in college who would get upset over little things, she seriously was melodramatic over stuff that were the usual daily disappointments - I actually remember her saying to me that she was gonna go throw herself in front of the bus one month and something else like jumping off the cliff or a building the next month. It puzzled me because she was a girl who "had it all" she was popular, athletic, never hurt for dates, was close to her families, etc. The reasons for her drastic woe is me attitude that came for about a few days each month were honestly trivial. A lower than expected grade, a lousy workout, a date couldn't make it, etc.
She was also very regular and one month at the end of her period, she went into my room and lifted the calendar page and marked a day off. I was puzzled, and she said that was when next month's was coming. Huh ok. (here I sit, jealous because I'm lucky if I have them 2 months in a row! I never know when mine is coming!) Anyway fast forward to next month. Whoo, she was in tears and upset over something that, like I said, was a disappointment but NOT the end of the world. I glanced at the calendar and, aha, it was a few days before her mark. I pointed that out to her and realized she had PMS (which she hadn't thought was a real thing. She and I think that it is overused as an excuse or license for bad behavior sometimes!). After that, she was able to be a little more aware and realize that her extreme feelings were caused by hormones, not that the triggering causes were truly big deals. It was hard but a very good realization, helped her to have a little perspective.

Now, this may not be the case AT ALL with you, but if this feeling is coming out of the blue, and the situation is totally horrible and unacceptable, when it wasn't such a big deal a week ago, or isn't a week later, then PMS or hormones could be amplifying the situation here.

Cindy, I am not saying that I wouldn't have my feelings hurt either, that I wouldn't be wondering how to not care so much either, that this is a big deal over nothing because it's the time of your month. I'm just suggesting you consider whether the timing has anything to do with it (and making it worse). I agree, so very often, we take things personally, we try hard to be nice, then of course we are hurt when we find others aren't being as careful to be as nice back to us, etc. That is life. That is part of the evolution we all take, and hopefully most don't swing from one extreme to the other extreme, but instead learn to steer a little closer to center. I mean this very sincerely and kindly.

Honestly if a person doesn't want to be around me then why would I want to "force" the issue. If they go just to "spare" your feelings wouldn't your feelings be even more hurt when they didn't appear to "want" to be there? Also my grandmother remarried after my grandfather passed. I was three years old when he died and several years later she re-married however my dad's side of the family was "outcasted" all the time. We don't interact with these people on a daily basis or ever except for Thanksgiving and Christmas so with that being said if I don't feel like going I don't feel like going period. It would be different if I had a relationship with these people but I don't and with all the craziness of my husbands family getting together then my mom's side combined with my dad's "replacement" side guess who I chose-my own blood. I like it when MY grandma joins in with my mom's side of the family honestly and she has done so for the past couple of years because it has gotten to the point where she can't handle a Thanksgiving day at her house which is absolutely fine and totally understandable but I wouldn't skimp out on her-she is very special to me and I would make it a point to stop in to see her because of our busy schedules we never do get to see her so for one day out of the year or two including X-mas we stop and reflect. She won't be here always and I wouldn't want to miss that opportunity but with the rest of the "supposed family" I don't see them every other day anyways so why should I bust my butt driving all over town to see everyone-its exhausting!

I used to be the same way but I came to the conclusion that you can't please everyone and you shouldn't have to bend over backwards to do that either. I've taken the attitude now this is how I am going to do it and if you want to be a part of it, great and if not that's fine too. You can't jepordize your well being in order to appease others. You, your husband and kids come first and you need to do what is right for ya'll. If others want to participate and in a healthy way that's great. But if not, then that's okay too. Just look at it as if they are an extra bonus to the event if they show up. It's their loss, not yours. Don't worry about it so much. You have made an effort and that's all you can do. It's up to them to decide what to with it. Have fun with your family! Good luck and don't stress!