How to Make Family More Resilient During Long Separation

When my husband is gone we try not to go more than one day without some kind of contact, even if it is a quick good night on the phone. We face time as often as we can. When they have something they want to share special with dad we put together care packages to send. Sometimes dad will make a video of himself reading a story the kids own, then they can follow along to daddys voice.

i think you and your husband have made your decision, now all there is for it is to do the best you can, which you are. this is not a good situation for your kids and nothing you can do will make it so. all you can do is make it less crappy. i do understand wanting careers as well as a family - but you are both chasing them at the same time, to your children's detriment. it really comes down to putting "dreams" and "career" before family. maintaining the bond isn't going to happen if he's not there. it's just not. and as far as making you all more resilient, that just takes practice. your responsibility is to be as patient and kind and loving as you can be- because you, with your husband, are the ones who put them in this impossible situation. eventually the kids will adjust to having no father figure there. then they'll have to re-adjust when he comes back. you're really stacking the deck against your children, and yourself as well, imo.

just remember while you and hubby are chasing your dreams and looking to the future - THIS is the good stuff. and it's passing you both by. i would really encourage you both to rethink this whole priorities thing.

Um, uh. Wow. Well since he is the one with all the free time, how 'bout he worries about that? While he is at it how about he makes up all kinds of care packages for you and the kids. How about he arranges surprise treats and delivered dinners and vacation packages? How about he steps up to the plate like a husband and dad? If you schooling can't work out then take a break! You are a single mother with a lot on your plate. I hope he is making mega bucks and even that can't make up for 2 years apart. I would try to be realistic about what I can accomplish and adjust expectations. Your kids need a parent. You are tired and anxious and sad for a reason. Get someone to watch the kids on Saturday and get some counseling. They need some joy in their lives and so do you!

My 2 cents. 2 years is an awefully long time to choose job over wife and children. I don't know if you will all come out of this resilient or resentful?

Now for the resilience suggestion. At bedtime you all sit down and take turns saying 1 thing you are greatful for because of this situation. I'm struggling to come up with some but, for example: You get to spend more time with kids, they get to eat out more often, they got to meet so and so in daycare, they live in a nice house because mom and dad work so hard, etc.

Good luck and I feel for you.

Is there any possibility that you can move to where he is working? Are you in a profession that requires a Ph.d to get a job? If not, I would leave the program even if it means scrapping the current work and starting over from square one in two years. Here's the thing....kids are resilent, but kids shouldn't have to be resilent in this way if at all preventable. Sure, you can skype and talk on the phone, but your husband is not there as a parent, meeting your child's physical and emotional needs as events occur and as the child needs him, and involved in day to day life. Two years physically separated from daddy sounds like anger, abandonment and attachment issues waiting to happen. Even with trying to make it easier, two years separated from a parent is a huge loss for a child.

I am so sorry that this is happening right now in your life. It sounds like a super tough position to be in. I am sorry you are sad and anxious. Is there a therapist or other support person you could talk to?? If not I would consider getting involved in a church family or similar so you have some support for you and for your kids. You can never have too many people loving you. :) As for staying close,Get the kids into writing letters/emails to dad. Or text messages. Send pics over the phone of your activities and what you are doing. He should to the same. It makes the time pass a little better and you feel closer that way.

Best wishes and hope this helps.

It is possible to maintain a bond between parents and children using Skype and phones and the mail. Divorced parents do it, military parents do it, people who need to make a living in a different location do it. Talk about their father often, schedule (as much as possible) the calls and Skype sessions so the kids know when they will be talking with him. Have them send him drawings or letters (depending on their ages). Encourage him to send them small things, too.

I'm sure you are tired from all you do, the anxious and sad part could be because you are still adjusting to this major change. If you find yourself continuing to be, be sure to reach out to people locally - friends, family, other support groups. Can you hire help for house cleaning or childcare regularly or even occasionally?

The best way to help your kids adjust to this situation, is for you to do your best to say it is a good thing and act as if it is a good thing. This will take effort from you and your husband. Remember that what you say and how you say it are both important and your kids will be watching and listening closely. Talk about the benefits of what you are doing - dad is making money to help us be secure, mom is getting education so she'll have more and better work options, etc.

Then, give your self some time to make this adjustment. It sounds like you are being a bit hard on yourself, expecting to be all OK with this change right away. None of us are perfect parents and we all make tradeoffs. Trust that you and your husband have and are making the best choice for the future good of your family. Find small ways to remind yourself, too, of this. And reward yourself in small ways for getting through each week.

Good luck to you in your doctoral program!

We are a military family, so we've done the separation thing...more than once:( Two years is a very long time. Skype is definitely a good idea. Try to talk about him a lot--"We're having Daddy's favorite dinner tonight" or "Oh, look at that truck--it looks like Daddy's". Your kids might start talking about him less--out of sight, out of mind.

Personally, I think the tough part might be when he comes back (military families call that redeployment). You and the kids will develop a life without him--routines, habits, etc. You will become very good at being a single mom. Giving up the reins can be challenging:) Working him back into your life might be difficult--not impossible, though!

If you are still tired, anxious, and sad after a few weeks, then I would encourage you to see somebody. Also, make plans now for the holidays. Will you be able to be with extended family? If not, take a trip with the kids!!

Best of Luck!!

Okay, most of this is tips and tricks from military spouses I've met through the years, but it really works for any kind of separation.

1) Make a paper chain. You know those old school ones where you just take strips of paper, loop them to make circles in a chain. Make one circle for each week left of the absence. Each week, the kids get to rip one off. If they want to, I would say let them each have their own chain, that way they don't have to take turns ripping.

2) DEFINITELY keep up with the Skyping and phone calls.

3) Sounds old school, but write letters and send care packages if you can. Those handwritten letters mean SO much more than an email ever could. Have your kids draw/paint/whatever pictures or something to send.

4) Encourage the kids (and yourself) to keep a diary. Diaries/journals are wonderful tools. If you want you can use it to keep record of the things the kids do so you don't forget to tell your husband things when you get to talk to him. You can also use it as somewhere to vent every frustration you're going to come across (because you will) and that diary will never judge or get tired of listening.

5) The resiliency comes with time. My first deployment was terrible. I had a new baby (he left when she was 2 months), I was working full-time as a teacher (so even more emotion on top of what I already had going on), and I had NO idea how to handle what was going on. Was I ready for him to be home by the end of the deployment? ABSOLUTELY, but I also had things figured out and had a system going.

6) Find the system that works for you. I have to make (and keep to) a daily chore schedule to keep up on housework. I try to schedule things to do with the kids to keep us all occupied.

7) Have the kids help make a scrapbook. Heck, have each each of the kids make their own scrapbook with their favorite pictures of them and dad.

8) Find a regular babysitter. You will need a break. Even if it's just once a month, find someone who can watch your child and get a girls night together.

Also, try to make sure that when he IS home on breaks that it is spent as much with just you and the kids as possible. Best of luck to you!

1. See if you can get your husband to send a voice note from his phone 2. See if he can call during bed time so the last thing they hear before sleeping is his voice.
3. You are in the transition phase and its all new, so in time it will normalize, you will get a routine of your own.
4. Remind your kids he is not gone forever