How to Know When You Are Done Having Children

Hi D.. I think you answered your own question if you really listen: "At times when I gather up my family to leave, I feel like someone is missing." That just says it all doesn't it?

However - since dad is the one who stays at home (and even if he weren't) you need to consider his thoughts/feelings. While I'm sure you already know this - this is a two person deal! ;)

But, if he's on board - or even on the fence - I'll give you the piece of advice I was given when I asked this same question on here that helped me make up my mind: You will only regret the children you don't have.

Best of luck to you!

This is such a tough topic, but thanks for asking. We have 4 children and I can walk you thorough our decision making as each child was lovingly planned for and received. I was 24 when our oldest was born, then 21 months later her sister, 35 months later another sister and 37 months later a brother came along. To anyone this looks like we just kept having babies until we "got our boy" then stopped. But nothing could be farther from our (and God's) plan. We never planned a number but I always had a max of 4 in my head, but took it one by one. I love having a larger family. We look forward to the days of a full house wiht lots of love and grandchildren and inlaws (it seems so far off, but I'm sure it just takes a blink). After each baby, I never felt done and my dh loves kids, the pitter patter as he puts it. Until now. We feel that it's time to move on to another stage in our house without an infant as it's been 9 years. We get rid of things as he grows out of them (bouncy seat, basinett, etc). I still have a bit of an ache seeing another pregnant woman as I loved being pregnant and even dealing with a newborn, but it's time for us all to move on to a bit more flexibility in our lives, growing up and growing together. We have been blessed with 4 wonderfully perfect children (aren't they all??) and feel like tempting fate with another, plus, my dh will be 48 when the baby graduates high school! Good luck with your decision making together with your hubby. You'll feel the answer that's right and as someone said, I've never heard anyone say they wish they wouldn't have had that last baby only regret for NOT doing it. :)

Aren't children wonderful! I am feeding one in the night still, and wake up so tired! I just dream of having another hour of sleep, and my daughter walks into my room. She makes my heart so warm, and I remind myself that there will be many nights in my life when I will get more sleep. It's worth it.
Children are an investement. You pour yourself into these little people, and they are who they are because of you! What greater joy in life is there than to invest in something that is actually worth something? A mom is a special creation, and we all know how hard our mom worked!
That being said, these little people are able to exist because you said yes, I'll create you. I am so glad that my parents were open to children. I am the youngest of four, so my mom was certainly tired! (and broke) So while there is something to say about your "lifestyle", I think that kids are worth an "inconcenience".
Children are a blessing! May God give us patience to enjoy our blessings each day. As hard as it can be, there are many, many people who will never know our life, because they are unable to have babies. I think you may be done if your body says you are :)

my husband and I always talked about three children when we were dating and engaged. I had a son already from a previous marriage so then we would have two together. I had C sections and was told that I shouldn't have more then 3 so that number was what we went with. After my second child was born and cried for the first year my husband wasn't wanting a third. He was around my oldest from the time he was 6 months old and adopted him when we married but other than my son he didn't have any experience with babies and thought all would be like my son, who was always a calm and happy child. I still wanted my third and when he would fight me on it I finally told him if he didn't want another one he had to go get fixed but I was not going to be taking birth control any longer. It took a couple years but I was pregnant with the third and he wasn't to happy until our son was born. He is closer to our youngest then he is with any other. He agrees that I was right and now we have a wonderful granddaughter from our youngest son and to think if we didn't, we would have missed out on so much. I also felt that I had a 4th child's spirit that I didn't have. I had my tubes tied with my last c section so there wasn't ever a question about it. I did dream one night of a little girl who called me mommy and I asked who she was and she said "Aimee". I always wondered after that if I should have had the 4th child. I also dreamt of my other children before I had them and knew with each one what I was having. I even argued with the doctor on my youngest when he kept telling me I was having a girl and I knew in my heart and soul it was a boy. First thing I told the doctor after he was born was "told you so"

I once read that the best gift you can give your child/ children is a sibling. I believe this with my whole heart.

My parents had 3 children and were "so done". Well, now the youngest is 20 and for the last 5 or so years they have been saying that they wished they would have had more kids!!!

If you think about it, do you know anyone who REGRETS having more kids? NO! I only hear of those who REGRET NOT HAVING more!!! So, talk to your husband and pray about it. If it's in God's will, he will change your husbands heart.

Good luck>!

I would say if you have to ask, you must not be ready to quit. Obviously talk it over with the hubby, but if you TRULY have that "feeling", I don't know if it will just "go away".

I didn't want another one until recently...when my daughter turned 3, and our son 6. It will be our 3rd. I just wasn't ready till then, but KNEW I wasn't done.

Good luck...do what feels right for your family...this is all just ADVICE from us.

I guess you really only would know if you really felt you were. Unfortunately, it's not a one person decision. So I would have a real heart to heart with your hubby. I know I myself go back and forth on the issue and since there are so many pros and cons both ways with me I decieded to leave it up to him. He said we're done. But I also am not on any b.c. since the pills give me migraines. So I figure, if it happens, then God answered it for me!

I think it is an individual decision made for different reasons. I knew I was done when my 2nd child was born. My son was almost 8 when my daughter was born, so he was pretty independent. At the age of 32, when my daughter was born and I had to go through the whole routine again...I had many nights where I asked myself.."why did I want another child?" Going back through sleepless nights, potty training, temper tantrums, etc was when I definitely decided..I am done! I guess I was too spoiled with my son not requiring as much from me as a baby does.

My advice would be to ask a friend or a relative if you could babysit their infant/toddler - or even one weekend of one then the other or both at one time. After you have gone through the sibling jealousy, rivalry, lack of sleep, etc..maybe you will be better equiped to make a decision about wanting more children. If you decide you still desire more, you need to have a heart to heart with your husband.

If you decide not to have more, you can always do what I do - I enjoy my nephews as much as I can. I love to have them overnight, play with them, teach them things, cuddle and laugh - but then I get to send them back home! Ha ha. Hope that helps a little.

A.

I know the exact feeling. I really wanted a third child for a while. I also have a boy and a girl (now 8 and 4). My husband feels strongly we are done and I feel like I need to respect that and be happy with our 2. Had we had 2 of 1 gender, he probably would have been open to a 3rd. To me it's not about their gender at all. I would have happily taken 1 more.

But now that I've really let the idea go, I am feeling very content and enjoying my kids a lot at the age they are at! There are many things are doing now that we couldn't really do strapped down with a really little one. My 4 year old is so sweet and funny right now and our 8 year old amazes us every day. It also doesn't hurt that I have an 18 month old nephew who went from sweet baby to very active, "no no no" toddler almost overnight! Good luck! I know how hard this can be.

Although 3 healthy kids would be a blessing, think about the lifestyle changes having another child would be. I have 2 kids the exact same age and I will be 40 in January. We are finally able to do things as a family without worrying about naps, bottles, strollers (for the most part) etc...For us having another baby would really change our family dynamics. Also, I feel so stretched already working full time and trying to give my 2 as much of me as possible. Having a third would take away what little I can already give. I get that itch too, but just try to be realistic about it. I think if I would have started sooner, I may have had another one. Since your husband is the care taker during the day, really take his opinion in consideration. If you decide to go for it, make sure he is really on board.

D.,

I can totally relate to feeling someone is missing. Shortly after each of my babies was born, I would even go back for another one when loading the car to realize they were all in the car already. I would set an extra place at the table without realizing it. Our family just wasn't complete yet. 18 months ago we had our fourth, and although I have thought about adding to the family several times, I know in my heart she is the last one.

Not everyone has this experience. I know lots of people who swore they were done, then had a "surprise." I know other people who are now grandparent age and say they always felt like they needed one more.

Getting pregnant after 40 will be rougher on your body, so be prepared for that. But if you really feel like that is what is right for your family, I would go with your motherly instincts.

Good luck,
S.

I agree with Katie, if you have to ask, you are not done. About 2 years ago, I posted a similar message. At that time, I had two boys and I just did not feel that our family was complete. It honestly was not about having a girl; I would have loved a group of three boys too! My husband was kindof on the fence, leaning one way one day and another way the next. Anyway, my daughter is now 9 months old and our whole family cannot imagine life without her. Interestingly, the urge to have more children is completely gone. I feel fulfilled.

I asked this question about a year ago. My husband and I have three kids so far, but I've always felt like I wanted a larger family. Last year I wasn't sure if I wanted to add to our family, but now I can definitely tell you we'll be having at least one more. :) The other moms are right: when you're done, you'll know. The fact that you're wondering means you're not ready to make the decision to be done having kids. :) Talk it over with the hubby and discuss why you both feel the way you do. My husband said he felt like we were done when our third was born, but has since changed his mind. :) Do what your heart tells you, and good luck! :)

You have gotten so many wonderful responses, but I just had to add mine too. I have 3 beautiful girls, and I had the same nagging feeling that you have had, I would do the same thing, look for another child, or miscount, counting to 4 vs.3. Anyways, my husband said he was done, that he could not handle another child, however, he would not schedule a vasectomy. So, one day I casually said, honey I would rather be married than have a 4th child, so if you really are done, please get your vasectomy scheduled. He then said, but I want you to be happy and I know having a 4th child would make you happy. I then said, let's just table this discussion, and wait a few years and decide. I never put any pressure on, I just prayed about it and asked that if it was meant to be, we would not have to decide, it would just happen, and if it wasn't meant to be it wouldn't. Well, I am pregnant with our 4th and we did not have to decide it was decided for us, and both of us are happy. My husband has been really protective with me during this pregnancy, I don't know if it is maturity, because we are both approaching 35, but it has been really nice. So, with all of that said, it will happen if it is meant to be, but you do need to have the discussion with your husband and consider both of your feelings. Good Luck!

I would say if the desire is there to really give it some thought. I had a daughter and a son. Family of four one of each and I was done. I had no desire to have more but God had different plans (surprise) and when I was 39 he blessed us with another son. My youngest had just turned six and was off to Kindergarten I was finally going to get some freedom and was looking for a job. Like someone else said--I didn't want to go back to diapers, bottles, no sleep etc. BUT when I held that little guy in my arms all of those frets went away!! I didn't mind doing all of those things again it was just second nature. I CAN'T imagine our life without him!! What a blessing. So follow your heart but you also need to respect your husband. Good Luck!!

It may sound corny but you know when you are done. When we had our third child my husband and i left the possiblity of a fourth out there, but i knew almost right after she was born i was done. She is almost 18 months old and i just have no desire to have another baby, i feel my family is complete. If you are having a itch for another baby i would say you aren't done, my friends are all still having babies and I don't envy them in that way anymore. I am excited for them and their happiness but don't want to be in their position. It was even put to the test a few months ago, i was three days late. I was panicked for that whole time. Don't get me wrong if it happened we would love another baby just like our other kids but when the test said no i was releaved.

D.-
I totally know how you feel! I had a miscarriage in between the births of my two children, and have always felt that "missing" feeling you mention. My husband also feels that we are done, and I think it is really important to respect that boundary established by your partner. It is especially hard, though, when everyone you know is having another baby! Number threes are really popular right now. What sealed my final decision, is that I baby-sat my brother's newborn overnight for a weekend. She was up every two hours to be fed, and the late night feeds, endless crying, and general baby stuff really forced me to realize that I'm out of the baby game! I have two healthy beautiful children, and have been blessed with a boy and a girl like you, and am finally at peace with my decision to be a family of four. My advice to you is spend an overnight with some of those new babies in your life (I'm sure the parents would love a weekend off!) and see if you are ready to start ALL OVER AGAIN! Good luck with a tough decision!