Most of you know what has been going on. Right now my son who is 6 years is doing a project for school and it's all about his heritage/culture. The first part was his deep heritage and now we are on the second part part of it and it's about his immediate family. Like the birthdates, places of birth, family photos and etc. I asked my son if he wanted to include his dad as well and myself. My son flat out said no. That took me by surprise a little bit because he has been talking about his dad and wanting his dad around. So I sat there and asked are you sure you don't want your dad on this. We can put a picture of him and where he was born at on there. Again he said no I don't want my dad on this just you mommy. Now I have noticed for a while that he reacts different when I mention his dad or even when someone else mentions his dad. He does talk to his dad when he wants either on the computer or by texting on my phone. He's happy when he does but he still honeslty believes he's never coming back. I know how he is feeling like his dad left him and yes in a way he has left him. I know the feelings he is having about his dad not being around anymore, I've been there when I was his age.
I'm wanting to know what I can do to comfort him and how to let him that I'm going to be here for him no matter what. I am going to talk to my counselor tomorrow to see who she recommends to talk to my son. Just hate seeing my son so sad and mad that his dad isn't coming back. I don't have the heart to tell him that it isn't his job that is keeping him away from him but it is his dad's desicion or lack of that is keeping him away from him.
Please no harsh words or anything like that. Thank you.
I think I'm going to let my son do it his way. Though I do still feel his dad should be included in his project but I don't want to see my son get mad or hurt because of that.
I think you should just say to him, "It must be sad that your dad isn't around. I'm sorry honey." Then do the project the way he wants to.
First, it sounds like you've not been entirely honest with your son. It sounds like you and his Dad are separated and that his leaving has nothing to do with his job. I suggest that one reason he's ambivalent about his Dad is because he doesn't have a straight story about what is happening.
I suggest that you need to tell him that you and his Dad love him and that you and his Dad have decided to not live together any more. Tell him that it's likely that you'll never live together again, if that's the case. If it's not, then tell him that you and his Dad are needing to learn how to live together.
Do not blame this on his Dad's decision. Tell him the two of you have decided to not live together. Even if living apart was not your idea, you agreed to this separation. Be willing to answer his questions in a simple manner suitable to his age. If you still love his Dad, say that. If the two of you fought in front of your son, be honest and say that the two of you didn't get along. That sort of thing.
Emphasize that both of you love him and that you'll always be there to take care of him. If it's true, tell him that even tho his Dad lives far away he still loves him and will always take care of him, too. Where does his Dad live and if it isn't far away why hasn't he visited? It's important, if at all possible, for his Dad to visit at least once.
Is it true his Dad is never coming back? Sounds like from what you've written that your son has decided he's never coming back. Why does he think that? Did he witness or hear you and your husband fighting and perhaps one of you saying something that he would think meant that he's not coming back? I would ask him why he thinks this and why. Then reassure him that it's not true.
I'm very glad he has frequent contact with his Dad. I'm confused about why he wouldn't want to put him on his family tree. I wouldn't have asked him if he wanted to include him. I would take the attitude that his Dad is his Dad and there is no question that he belongs on the family tree. I suggest that your asking him is part of what makes him think he's not coming back and adds to his confusion.
Talk with him about your experiences with missing someone and sympathize with his missing his Dad. If you and his Dad are getting along while separated, perhaps give you son a hug and tell him it's from his Dad. Tell his Dad, in front of your son, that you'll give your son a hug from him.
In any way that you can honestly show, show that you and his Dad are together in your love and care of your son. You are separated but you both still love him. That you loved each other when you made him and you both will always love him.
Later: When you say it's his Dad's decision, etc. are you saying that you want to get back together and his Dad doesn't? If so that's more info than a 6 yo can grasp. You can say that you don't know if you'll get back together but don't hold out hope. Stick with what is real right now.
I went back and read earlier posts. Your husband has been gone for several months because of a job. This is confusing even for adults. You can still say that you and he have decided to not live together any more. It's too bad if you didn't say that at the very beginning when you decided to not move with him. But it's not too late to tell him that now.
It's been several months, 6 or more?, since he's seen his Dad in person. I understand why he thinks he's never coming back. 6 months to a 6 yo is a lifetime.
Would it be possible for his Dad to fly back to see him and for the two of you to talk in person about how it would be best for him to see his son more often. At 5 he could possibly fly alone if it's not too great a distance. Or his Dad could fly to him every once in awhile.
I know you didn't ask about your relationship with your husband but after reading your previous posts and with my personal experience I wonder why you decided not to move with him once you decided you wanted your marriage to work. It's really difficult to make long distance relationships work even when they're stable relationships. I would think that your husband would feel that you're really not serious about making it work when you're not willing to be with him for at least a few months so that you can work together on finding ways to make it work. You cannot improve a relationship by long distance.
In today's economy your husband is fortunate to have a job. I'm guessing he wouldn't have a job if he moved back with you. Tho, if I were you I'd also wonder how seriously he wanted to make the marriage work.
I know it's much more complicated than any of this that I've written. I'm just wondering when the two of you are either going to make a commitment to your marriage or make the decision that it's over. This ambiguous situation is not good for any of you but is especially hard on your son.
If you have a good relationship with your son's dad, then I think that you should call him and let him know that he is in danger of losing his relationship with his son. He needs to make more effort to come and see him, in person, and spend time with him. The phone, computer, and text just aren't the same.
I don't know your entire history/story, but I feel badly that this dad may lose his son, and he doesn't know it.
The best way to help your son is to be honest with him on his level. Whatever he can understand, you should tell him. I am not sure of what happened. But if you are separated, tell him! Let him know what is going on, what he can expect etc. Also, validate his feelings and allow him the room to explore however he feels. It sounds like he feels abandoned. Help him to see that you and other people are there for him even if his dad isn't.
I wouldn't have made including his dad on the family tree an option to him...he's 6, and he is a combination of his dad and you. Invalidating his dad doesn't seem like the best way to help with your son's feelings. Counseling is a good idea for your son. When it's time to tell him that you and his dad are no longer going to live together, it will be because your marriage did not work not because your son's dad did or did not make a decision. It will be helpful to your son to separate the status of your marriage with his dad from him being able to see him or not see him. Hopefully once your divorce is in process or finalized, your son's father will fully exercise his visitation rights and set up a healthy relationship with his son.
