How to Help an 8 Year Old Who's Father Has Cancer.

Hi S.,
I wonder if helping the little girl put together a scrapbook of her and her dad might be an idea. It takes quite a long time to do, but it may help in her healing over the time it takes to make and she would have a nice keepsake to be able to keep him close forever. Her mom might benefit from helping her pick out photos and such too.

How about taking her away to just be a kid. Maybe even making her a gift bag of things she can do if she needs to be at the hospital, like a To Go bag with books and puzzles. At that age I think just keeping her life normal is best. Also maybe help her make a picture book to give her dad while he is at the hospital of them together so he can think of her.

One of the most important things you can do for this girl is to provide an island of stability as her life turns upside down. Since your daughter is already a friend, encourage friendship activities: take her to school functions, have play dates, trips to the movies together, sleepovers, whatever the girls like to do together. The rest of her family is wounded too, and may not have the strength to help her emotionally as much as needed, or to just let her be a kid and do normal kid things. At times like this, just friendship and an opportunity to do some things that are not oriented around grief and sickness is a big help. Let her be a normal 9 year old girl with another girl her age will be a big help.
Bless you for your caring.L.

Hi S....I've heard and also been in similar situations like that before. Since the girl is 9, she is probably a little bit more understanding than a 3 or 4 year old. But she still is a child. What I would do for her is first of all explain to her what's happening with Daddy and give her many examples of people who have had this illness, whether it's deadly or not. 2 important things: Try to avoid the connection between death and cancer. Do not relate those two together, and 2, if something does happen to him, do not say he went to sleep for a long time. I don't know how much into ur faith u are, no matter what faith u are, let her know that God is with him and that what's happening is okay and that God is going to take care of him in the end. Give her one day out of the week that is for her, all about her. And have her say how she wants to help daddy, and whatever is, let her do it. Ask her, if u were to play doctor, what would u do to help daddy, cause he needs u more than ever right now. Children love to feel needed at times like this.
I hope this helped and i hope all goes well.....

We have been in the same situation. My son's best friend has had both parents go through cancer treatments, surgery, etc. My suggestion is to fill in as much as possible to keep theh child's schedule normal. We were the drop off from school when he had chemo, so they weren't rushed. We made sure the homework was done and he got to his sports practices. I took my phone to school, so he could call his parents when they were out of surgery. (No phones in our school for students). Doing the normal things that a parents does, but can't do at that time is important. Let her just hang out if she is comfortable at your house. Don't over react. So many wanted to scrapbook, etc, but he isn't dead yet, he's sick.

Also buying household essentials, toilet paper, Kleenex, dish soap, etc was a help for the Mom. Don't avoid the subject, but don't dwell on it either. First and foremost, Pray for the doctors doing the treatments and for stength for the whole family. This is when you can teach your children how powerful prayer is. It's also a lesson that we aren't going to live forever...any of us and we need to believe thaht Jesus is our Savior.

Probably the best that you can do is be there for her. If you're family is going out for dinner invite her along, or have her over for a sleep over. Things like that. You could also talk to her mom and see if there is anything that she could suggest. Her mom may have some feelings of short comings because all of the focus is on dad/husband, and you asking may relieve some of that pressure as well. She would also probably be able to tell you some things that her daughter would see as very special. Mom may also welcome meals that can be frozen, or just heated up and served - especially while dad is in the hospital. If you talk to her mom, make sure you let her know if you're looking for inexpensive ideas, or if you are willing to spend a little money. I'm sure right now, without knowing more of the situation, that her mom would understand the need to keep to a budget if you have to.

S.
my hart break for that little girl i lost my mom in my pre teen and it was hard i knew what was going on and it was still hard i think what was the best thing for me was spending time with close friends or family they keep the comversation happy i was allowed to express how i felt and my moms best friend would take me out and we would do small thing to help me forget one time we got my nail done another time we we to a park and ate lunch she let me say what was on my mind it was a time when i did not have to be stronge .and be honest if it as bad as it sounds false hope will only make thing worse kids are smart and they know when thing are being put over on them well good luck and may god be with you and they sweet child

What about a girls day. I'm sure picking her up and taking her and your daughter for a special day (lunch and a movie; lunch and manicures; one of those diva girl places; or even just to your house to do a fun activity)will help her and her mother.

Dear S., I'm so sorry to hear that this family is going through such hard times. When my son was 7 he had a very bad accident and was bed ridden for a year, then at the age of 8 had to learn to walk again. The thing that helped him the most was having all the kids from his school make homemake cards for him and we decorated his room with them. It helped him know that he wasn't alone, that he had friends. I hope this helps. God bless you all.

Wow, that is such a sad and tough situation. 8 is so young to be dealing with that. I guess all you can do is support her, love her, give lots of hugs and kind words...I think what kids need most when this happens is to know that they are not alone, to know that it is not their fault (kids auto-assume this b/c they don't know how to process all of it yet) and to know that they are going to be taken care of.

I will say prayers for that family and all of you who care so much to help them! Blessings to you all!

Hi S.

I ama teacher and have had to deal with similar situations, though not exactly like this. I hope that the school where teh child attends knows about the current situation, but if not please encourage the mom to tell them. It is important for the teacher to know so he/she can be aware of behavior changes, a need for time alone, etc. There is hopefully a councelor or something similar in the building that can help if needed.

I think the best advice I could give would be to let the child guide you. When one of my students lost a toddler sibling to cancer she never said a word about him being sick or dying. She did write me a little note the next year telling me why she missed the end of school, but that was the first time she even mentioned a problem (I was aware of it though). Her sister, however, talked alot about it to me when she was in my class. They both delt with it in very different ways.

I think that some trips out may be a good idea. Maybe a "girls' trip" to the mall for lunch or something, to a movie or too a park. Keep trying if she turns you down though. Some kids feel guilty having fun when a loved one is sick or has died. They feel like they should only be sad. She will need time.

I am glad that you are taking the time to think about the child. It will help to take some pressure off the mom, too, who will also need some time alone. Many mothers/fathers in this situation have been so wrapped up in taking care of their spouse and then worriing about thier children that they neglect themselves and dont' allow themselves to grieve.

What a sad situation. Please post more if there is anything else that we can do.

She is a little girl that has to live in a very grown up situation.
I think she might like a night to be a little girl. Invite her over for a sleep over with your daughter and do your best to take her mind off of it. Have lots to do, make her favorite food, paint nails, do facials, talk about friends and school, watch the cheetah girls or hannah montana...all the stuff that 9 year old girls are normally holding as important in their lives. (maybe even take her shopping if you have the extra money...a nice t-shirt at limited too or something, that she prolly can't have at this time)
Her world has been too serious lately...I guarantee it. Her mom has to worry about her dad, and she is left to figure it out on her own. while all her friends are busy with worries ,like what to wear to school, and if a boy is cute, she is worrying about her dad dying. give her a small break from that, even if it's just one night.

There is a wonderful organization called SandCastles, which is run through Henry Ford Health Systems. I am not sure if they deal with families before the passing of a loved one, but I am sure they can provide some guidance in this area. My sister-in-law is a social worker with this organization and I could put you in contact with her if you would like to talk to her. There are a lot of books out there for young children. I would suggest getting her a journal for writing about her feelings. Keep her talking (writing) and let her know it is OK to share what she is feeling. Maybe even get her a scrapbooking kit and have her make a book for her dad with pictures of her and him together it would be very therapeutic. I will keep the family in my prayers.

Hi, S.. What an all too common, sad, sad situation. I've been there. I would make a special day just for her. Whatever she would enjoy doing: horseback riding, canoeing, hiking, etc. You know her well but I would ask her. ANYTHING to take her mind off her Dad, if even for just a few hours. God Bless you for being so considerate. She'll need you even MORE once he dies. Denise.