How to Handle This and How Upset Would You Be?

I think I'd be more ticked off about her taking my kid out of school early for no reason. Why'd she do that if they weren't leaving until the next morning?

The sarcasm in the last paragraph leads me to think this is more about a type A vs. type B personality conflict. You are the busy, organized working mom and she is a flakey, stay-at-home mom with nothing but time on her hands? I guess I would just use this as a lesson learned. When she is with this friend you need to be the one to text asking for updates rather than relying on her to keep in touch.

If a person is in the habit of being late without notifying me, I expect them to be late and I don't expect notice from them. I just plan around the likelihood that they will be late.

Yeah, that actually would tick me off. I can't even articulate why - I mean, I'm bothered that my kid is staying overnight a mile down the road instead of where you said she'd be, so why is she at your house and not in her own bed in that case? Why did she take her out of school early and unnecessarily? I mean, if she knew she wasn't ready to go, why drop everything to go get her early? And now that she's not going until tomorrow, did she actually finish the packing or decide that it doesn't need to be done today since they aren't leaving until tomorrow?

All that being said, I recognize that I'd be irked, but really, she was going to be with this family anyway, so it doesn't really make a difference.

I'm not sure how I'd handle this particular situation - I'd feel like there isn't anything I could do. But I think I'd be done with allowing elaborate plans like this. Unreliability and questionable choices always make me uncomfortable. And I'm a stay at home mom with two kids, and organization is not my strength, but I am always ready for trips and if I have your kid, you'd better believe you know where we are at all times!

Well - no more leaving school early for anything THIS lady tries to plan!

I'd let it go.
It's HER gig.
You know now. If it makes you feel better (I would) tell her to please text you so you know when their leaving and again when they arrive.
I wouldn't "say" anything to her about it.
I have a friend like that. Honestly, I'd expect it from her.
She's figuring they have an extra day with the holiday so she's in no super rush.
Good luck!

I'm going to preface my answer with this: I am very punctual (and I bet you are too) and I don't understand why certain people are always late and seem to think nothing of it. I think you may need to separate your feeling about her general tardiness with this particular instance. Think of another friend who is prompt if your DD was with that friend, how would you feel had this situation happened?

If they had made it to the campsite and had let you know and then it took 30 minutes for her to responds (because instead of being at home still packing) they are at the site setting up or cooking dinner, how would you feel and how would you respond?

I'd be annoyed too but I think if you step back and think about how you would handle the above too situations, you'll feel some clarity in how you would approach it.

FWIW one of my best friends (since I became a mom) is always late. I just plan on the fact that she'll be late almost always. For her I guess I've made an exception and I don't get annoyed anymore. I just accept it's the way she is and it has nothing to do with me or our relationship.

nice to see you back, ms vetmom!
i'd be annoyed. i'm one of the perpetually late people, so i get it (though don't condone it) and completely understand how aggravated other people get with me. i could easily have been that mom.
but yeah, she should have let you know. i think most parents would expect to be updated on changes of plans this big.
on the other hand, despite the ditziness this is obviously a family you trust with your child, and she hasn't been endangered or anything. so i wouldn't make it into a Big Deal. i think i would probably address it, and best in person. when you pick your daughter up, an unsmiling 'i'd have appreciated being told about the change in plans without having to hunt you down. but i'm glad it all ended up going well. thank you for including pansy anne.'
khairete
S.

Personally I would say something. It really doesn't matter that she was running late and they are staying at her house BUT you should know where your kid is - no exception. Especially if the change of plans means she is overnighting somewhere other than expected. So me - I would probably say something like " hey I completely understand that plans change and you have probably had your hands full - but in the future I would really appreciate it if you would keep me in the loop. It's important to me that I just know where my daughter is at all times. Thanks again for including her - I am sure she is having a great time with you guys"

If I were the other mother I would think that you had turned over responsibility to her. You knew your daughter was with her so there is no need to tell you of the change in time they were leaving right away. Taking 30 minutes to return your call probably just meant she was busy still getting ready to go. Or, she may have been talking with her husband deciding what to do.

I often think I'm leaving that night and decide to wait until the morning because once i had it all ready I was too tired. I'm flexible taking into account all that is happening in the moment.

I have sent my daughter and now my granddaughter places with other parents and have not even expected updates. I trust them or I wouldn't send my child with them. That trust includes knowing they will call if I need to know anything. Otherwise all is good.

I get your irritation but I would let it go. U have never been in her shoes. I hope your daughter has fun.

I honestly would not be bothered. I am sure someone planned to call you at some point, but either way you were not planning to see your daughter and knew she was with this other family in there care, so does it really make a ton of difference if she was at their house or in a tent during that time? I would honestly let this go.

Yeah, that would bother me.

I think that it is more about personality issues than anything else. She should not have picked the kids up early if they were not ready to leave as planned. They missed out on instructional time for no good reason. Some people just do not have a internal sense of urgency for anything...she sounds like one of them. I personally am pretty much always punctual and I always follow through on plans unless there is an emergency.

I can understand you feeling confused as to why she didn't get her act together. I work full time myself and I would feel the same as you. I get that she was juggling 3 kids as a SAHM, but seriously all three kids are in school. Why couldn't she finish the packing while they were in school and be ready to go as planned? Was there an emergency that came up or was she just being flaky? Based on your description, it really sounds like she is flaky with no sense of time.

She is like this. She is never on time (which would absolutely drive me batty). She has a history of this. She does not appear to want to change anything about her M.O. You should not expect any different from her. I think that she should have sent a text to you when the overnight plans changed. You might want to mention that to her and the fact that she picked the kids up early unnecessarily.

She is not going to change. She does not see anything wrong with her behavior..it is just how she operates. Expect this from her. Do not involve yourself or your daughter in anything with her that requires attention to time or detail.

When my kiddos go somewhere with friends these are my friends too or kiddo wouldn't be going anywhere with them. Why couldn't you call just to say hi and see how everything was going? Why do you have to wait for them to inform you of anything? Aren't you friends with this person???

That said.

I'd have called you to let you know we were running late but really, I don't know that it is that big of a deal. You gave your child to them for the weekend and you must trust them or she wouldn't be there right? So their plans changed...I'd have known because I'd have been on the phone with my friend.

I guess she should have called you but I really don't know that it's that big of a deal.

I understand that ultimately the outcome of this particular situation is not a big deal, but I would speak with her so that the expectations on communication are understood. I think what would be looming on my mind would be 'is she going to call if they stay an extra day?' 'Is she going to call if my child gets hurt?' If you call and ask for her to reach out to you next time plans change (or add whatever expectation you want) or just say you'd like to check in with your daughter daily and is it ok if your daughter can use her cell to call you, maybe that will help clear the air and give you the communication you are looking for.

That seems really inconsiderate of her. I understand that it's hard to pack for camping, even if it's something you do yearly. Still... if her kids are in school all day, then get the stuff packed! She had all day every day this whole week, right? But I'm a naturally organized person, and I'm usually pretty on top of that stuff. Some people aren't. Clearly she's one of those.

All that being said, though, as annoying as it is when people are late, it's WAAAAAY worse if they have your child and are just not being proactive in notifying you of a change of plans like that. She was just really discourteous in not notifying you of the change of plans, IMO. You need to know where your child is, especially when your child is too young to have a cell phone and notify you herself.

At this point, it's not like you can swoop in and tell your daughter she can't go camping with this family, I don't think. She's looking forward to the trip and is having a good time with her friend. And ultimately, it was the right call not to drive up to the mountains or wherever at night. In the future, I'd probably decline any vacation invites from this family though. Dealing with a super-flaky communicator would be enough to drive me crazy.

Welcome back, & congrats! I had wondered what your decision was regarding your practice, hope all is going well there.

Regarding this situation, I think the change of plans is not anything to be alarmed about. It would be a very different situation if they were supposed to be coming back, & decided to camp one more night so as not to pack up in the dark, & didn't communicate that with you. This little bump in the road is more a potential disappointment for the kids than anything.

However, I think it does illustrate a critical area of communication that you might want to address for future plans. Perhaps establish with the parents a designated "check-in" each day, either phone or text, so that you aren't wondering whether everything is going well. Something to the effect of "give me a call/text when you get there, or if anything comes up to change the plans, let me know by XX time".

I have friends (the "Smiths") with a young daughter who are always on Smith-time. Even before kids, they just admit they are not capable of being anywhere on-time! We all know them & love them for who they are, but take extra steps in setting up meeting times & communication with them as a result.

I hope your daughter has a nice weekend, & comes home with great stories to share. T. =-)

Kinda annoying yes but let it go. I am sure your daughter will have a great time. I guess now you know that you need to text to check in cause she is very lax.

I would not be happy. My son is very close in age to your daughter. No way would I be OK with not knowing where he is. I don't mean I have to know exactly where in the house, or where on the road to camping, etc, but if I was told that he was camping and then it turns out he was at the house (barring a flash flood or something)...not cool. I would have to tell her "I understand that this may be a weird "me" thing, but I really would like to know where my kiddo is going to be. If there is going to be a change of plans, I would really appreciate a text as soon as you know it is happening. Will that work for you?"
Frankly, I was ticked off when my SIL took my son to a different zoo than she originally planned, one that was 1.5 hours away instead of 30 minutes away, without telling me. I would have said yes, no problem, but I want to know at least which town my kid is in...

It would annoy me. I think she should have known to text you, but as you seem to understand, she's not too conscientious. I'd have to take part of the blame if I wasn't clear with my expectations for communication beforehand.

So I would tell her now (if you haven't already) that you need to hear from your girl and when (like a good night call) and that you want a quick text if there's a change in any plans. Shoulder the weight of the request by saying it's just a way to help you not worry about her so much while she's probably having fun with them.

Kind of unrelated, but I also have a "code word" with my daughter, that she can say in conversations with me that means she wants to come home or needs help when someone else is taking care of her. If she says the word in conversation, then I go and get her, no questions asked. Sometimes kids don't know how to say they are not comfortable at other people's homes or parties and need a veiled way out.

It would irk me, and then I would let it go. I'm always super punctual and pre-plan and prepare for everything. If I had made the camping plans, you could set your watch to how exactly on-time our departure would have been. My sister, however, is exactly like your friend. Much more laid back about time, never ON time, pretty much the polar opposite of me. I've realized there are MANY people like her and MANY people like me. You are probably more like me and your friend is probably like my sis. So I'd be understanding about the whole leaving-the-next-morning thing, that's just how she is. It took me a long time to accept that not everyone is as punctual and efficient as I want them to be...

It would bug me that she didn't text me to tell me, though. But only a bit. And I'd get over it pretty quickly. Kids were obviously safe and in her care and no harm was done, really. In the end, I'd let it go and put her into the "not punctual, a bit flighty" category for future reference.

I bet your daughter will have a GREAT time!

Everything Veruca said. All of it.

I'm not always punctual. But there is no way I would stop the packing process to go pick kids up from school EARLY and then not leave until tomorrow. That is crazy. And then to still not inform you of the change as soon as the decision was made?? I may not always be on time, but I don't see that as a reflection of the care I take with other people's children (or of my own). But there is no way I would be sitting at my house with your child, when you are under the impression that we are somewhere else for the night. NO. WAY. The minute I decided that postponing the departure was even a possibility, I would have contacted the other parent to discuss. And then when a final decision was reached, they'd have been contacted again to confirm it.
Not to do so is just incredibly arrogant, in my opinion. Particularly in light of the fact that she pulled the kids from school early. To leave for a camping trip early, you ok'd that. But to sit around her house? You did not ok being pulled from school early for that.

Ugh.
Just... everything that Veruca said.

Huh. This is really odd bc I'm super punctual and a control freak but not sure this would bother me. I guess bc I'd almost be relieved they were in a house vs camping. I'm not a camper so if have worried more that my daughter would be cold or scared at night. She may not have thought any big deal bc being at their house kind of is safer in a way than camping. Not like they took her camping when it was supposed to be a sleepover at their house. That would infuriate me. And not like they took her anywhere odd in general. Was she supposed to text you and hadn't? That too would bother me but if you texted randomly, no big deal. Are you worried your daughter is unhappy they didn't make it tonight? She does sound super flakey. And that would bug me in general. But somehow, and I am easily irritated, not sure why this is so bad. Only way to get in touch with your daughter is via her and that didn't change. If they'd gone to bed without telling you, I might be annoyed then. But she was caring for your daughter either way so probably didn't see the big deal. Not like the only phone number you had was at the campsite and you were calling and calling and no answer. So I don't think I'd say anything. If you needed to check on your daughter, it was via her cell. No change to that. Honestly your daughter is pretty young so not sure I'd have approved the trip to begin with with a mom I didn't think that highly of. But you did and all will be fine. This is her style. She didn't harm anyone or put them in undue danger.

I was wondering where you were.

I'd let it go. Your daughter's probably having fun no with them no matter where she is.

While I would be annoyed, we have not walked a day in her shoes as a SAHM with 3 kiddos. I would be upset that my kid got picked up from school early for no reason but would not be upset if they decided to leave a day late. With that being the case though I would expect her to give me aheads up that they where leaving in the AM instead. I am sure your daughter is having a good time with her friend if not I am sure you would hear something.

I would be really annoyed. I know it probably isn't right....but I feel that people who are always late are irresponsible.... which means I would question how cared for my daughter would be camping for the weekend.

I am a homeschooling and p/t working mom of 4 who's husband travels out of town A LOT....and I am rarely late and would never pull what she did. And if I did, I would have known way ahead of time I wasn't going to be ready in time, let you know, and not pick the kids up.

I am not perfect, and not saying change of plans like this would never happen, but when others are involved, I would notify the parents right away.

Next time, send a cell phone with your daughter....if there is a next time.

I understand where you are coming from for sure. It's not the fact that they didn't end up going. It's the fact that she didn't COMMUNICATE with you. That's concerning to me. Your daughter is only 7 and you have every right to want to know where she is... It's your job to make sure she's safe and to know where she is =) I think you are TOTALLY right on with how you feel.

I would handle it when she gets back from the trip by talking to the mom. I'd take responsibility for needing to know those details. Tell her that you tend to worry (not because of her--but because that's just how you feel). I would ask her to let you know of any changes. Thank her for taking care of your daughter and including her. If you keep a positive, light tone, it all should go well.

Trust your gut, mama! =)

My child would not be going away with someone I didn't feel comfortable speaking with frankly. "Hmm, that's an interesting change of plans. When were you going to tell me that? Where is DD; I'd like to speak with her please?" Also, people in my life know that I want to know what's going on with my child all the time. If ANYTHING changes, I want to know about it at first opportunity. I stand by this: Don't treat my child like he's your own; treat him like he's MINE. I don't get so comfortable with other people's children that I get lax in their care. My child would not have been spendign the weekend--especially away from their house--with someone who wasn't on that same page with me. Not saying that it's right or wrong--just saying that that's how I do business.