How to Handle "I Don't Love You" Phase

-- I got that too ( I AM grandma--- and had a fair share of '''I love my Mom, not you) --- I always said ''' THATTTTTS's ok, I love you enough for both of us, with plenty left to share''' --- now, that is nonsense--- but it gave him the idea:
I wasnt worried
he was loved
everything would work out

and to me---that's what they need to hear

blessings,
J.

Kids are so spontaneous at that age, aren't they? My grandboy, also 3, has made comments like this on occasion. Other times, he will happily proclaim his love for everybody he can think of. He can be just as sincere in each moment.

I love it all. Sometimes he's obviously watching us grownups carefully to see whether and how we react. Sometimes he's obviously learning to pay attention to and identify his feelings - an important step toward emotional literacy. Be careful to simply acknowledge your son's feelings, and perhaps help him describe in words if something is bothering him, without revealing that his comment has hooked you. You don't want give him the sense that he can manipulate you via your emotions.

By the way, it's a betrayal of our emotional strength and resiliency to believe that someone else "makes" us feel sad, happy, or mad. It's perfectly legitimate to say "When I heard you say that, I noticed that I felt sad." But that's a different statement than "you MADE me feel sad." If you can learn to catch yourself when you think or say that, and teach your son to do the same, you will have a more honest and less potentially manipulative relationship.

Hate that. :P Thwibbbit

Even when I know that half of it is a vocabulary issue, and at least a full third is a "test" of the emergency toddler warning system. Had this been an actual emergency I would be a teenager headed out the door...aaaargh. At least as a toddler I can march off after them and carry them back inside.

What I've always done is grin at him and say something along the lines of "No worries. I'll love you so much, for EVER & EVER that it doesn't matter if you never love me at all, because *I* love you so much. Love you when you're angry, when I'm angry, even when I'm asleep. Always. So you can hate me if you like. If you ever get done hating me though we could talk about why you're upset and try and fix the problem."

Of course, this has gotten shortened in all of it's possible forms.

I've also done the HUGE guilt trip, if the 'I hate you' is followed by x,y,z. "Really??? Because I love you sooo much and if you (x,y,z) then we'd never get to __overwhelming list of fun past events__, like bedtime stories, icecream, park, birthdays, etc etc etc until he's protesting or in tears). I do those things with you because I love you. If you (ran away....killed me...had never been born, x,y,z) we'd never get to; a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j....."

Yep. I've intentionally guilt/shamed my child. The things that we never think we'd do. That was one of mine.BUT I bring up every single thing he thinks is wonderful and ISN'T currently thinking of because he's angry and remind him of each and every single one. Yep. Intentionally made my son cry. And then I held him while he cried, and we talked about practical problem solving instead of wild angry threats. And consequences.

Now if the 'hate you' bit is followed by 'loves x more', or if it's JUST the 'i love nana more then you' I just run with it. Telling him how happy I am that he has soooooooo many people who love him and who he loves. And then we run through the WHOLE list of people who love him and who he loves. Right down to his favorite toys.

Now, my tenses are confused here...because this was a big deal in the "terrible threes" we had at our house...but we haven't *really* had this issue in a long time. Every once in a long while it will crop up briefly. But mostly, nowadays, since my son is 6 and has decided that he's a "man" I get a calmly detailed diatribe of what he considers my faults to be, and the exact degree to which he considers I am being unfair.

Sigh. I honestly miss the little toddler tantrum that would end up un arms around each other hugs. Or the decision that since nana was lucky enough to get to raise ME, it's my turn to be lucky enough to raise YOU.

Which may not be super helpful, because while we all know intellectually that we'll miss whatever terrifyingly annoying/scary/frustrating/sleep-depriving thing once they get past it....sometimes gritting our teeth and taking a deep breath is the single best thing we can manage NOW not to bash our heads into the wall and raise the white flag.

Here is my quote: "It's ok. You can be mad at me if you want. I just want you to know that I love you NO MATTER WHAT, forever." Validate the short term feelings. allow the child to own them -- but always reassure him that he is loved under any circumstances. And then just let it be. He will love you for your emotional integrity, without the shadow of any guilt for him having emotions of his own. It worked with my three.

I always told my sons "that's ok, you don't have to love me, but I love you all the time no matter what"
It always felt like they were looking for proof that I wasn't gonna "go away" - you know, other than when they were mad at me and trying to hurt my feelings (when they were older). I had to do the single thing with my oldest for 6 years and work full time - there is guilt there, I know.... some of the books say kids will try to push us away when another adult has left their lives, just to see if we can be pushed away; hoping that it won't work.

That's a tough phase. I just smile and sweetly say, "But I love you!"

my 4 year old has done this. i just shrug and let her know that she's entitled to her feelings, i love her no matter what. "it's okay to feel that way. i still love you, though!" or "hmm, i'm sorry to hear that. i guess i'll have to love you that much more now!"
however, if she's mad at me (she's been put in time out or been told no) and using it as a tool to hurt me, i'll go about my way. when it's time to talk about what happened, i'll let her know that it isn't okay to tell people mean things when they're mad.

That's always a heartbreaker isn't it? I assume he says it when he's upset or angry at you and is lashing out at you.

I think the key is to remain calm (as hard as that may seem!) and do some emotional coaching with him. You could say something like "I know you're upset/angry/mad at me right now and you feel like you don't love me. It's ok to feel that way. I still love you, and if you want one, I'd like to give you a hug." If he says yes to a hug, then great, if not, that's fine. It's important to really respect his feelings and his space, and know that he really doesn't mean it. He does love you but he's at an age where he's learning that words have meaning and power and he's testing that power out. It can be painful at times, but it's all a part of growing up.

Hang in there, it's totally a phase, and it's one that will probably rear its head again later. Just remember that it has nothing to do with your parenting skills. You are a great mom, really! :)

Good luck.

My daughter has been saying "I hate you" "I don't want you to be my mom anymore"... just hateful things like that since she was little. She is special needs so it takes a VERY long time for some "phases" to go away for her (she's 12 now). Anyway, usually it's because I've told her something she doesn't like or just disciplined her. Her latest one is "I'm never eating/coming out of my room/going to talk to you/going to school/etc. again! (stomp, stomp, stomp, slam)"

I've noticed that that's when she needs me to tell her I love her the most and that even though we disagree and hurt eachother's feelings sometimes, I'm always going to be here for her... no matter what she says to me. I'm her mom and she can never lose me and I will never, ever leave her. After the big blowups we usually have some tender moments acompanied by the discipline for the fit. I'm just glad that she lets out her feelings instead of holding them all in and stewing like my 13yo son. One of these days, he's gonna blow... but that's another story.

We all go through this on one level or another. I hope your son's phase is short.

I love this one! Only because I know how to turn it around, now...learned the hard way. He is just doing it because he knows how to upset you. My daughter loved to tell me that I am not her best friend and that only daddy is her best friend. One day, I finally said to her, "that's alright honey. I like that. I think that its really nice that daddy is your best friend." She would say, no mommy, thats not good...." I just kept reassuring her that it was really nice that Daddy was her best friend and she gave up...so, I would say that next time your son says he doesnt love you, tell him, "I am sorry you feel that way right now, Mommy loves you so much." and leave it at that. If he says he loves grandma and not you, tell him "That's good son, I am glad that you love grandma so much. It means so much to mommy that you love grandma..." or some version of that. Once he realizes that it wont push your buttons, he will stop. Good luck, they are fun arent they! We also talk to our daughter about the importance of saying nice things nad htat it isnt nice to tell mommy that you dont love me or that I am not your friend, just not in the heat of the moment...

This is a huge opportunity! It may be difficult to hear your sweet son say those harsh words but it is a good chance for you to reassure him that no matter how he feels about you, you love him. You can be honest and tell him that it makes you sad to hear him say that he doesn't love you. But then make sure he knows that he's not the one in control, that your love for him does not depend on his love for you. I think everyone needs to know that there is someone who will love them even when they themsselves are unlovable. As moms, we are that person!

Pick him up, hug him and say "That's all right, I still love you!" It's a game to get a response from you. He's learning how to deal with people and illicit a response. He's watching what his words can do to and for people.

You'll find that just by hugging him, your anger will dispell and over time you'll end up getting a giggle and big hug back. Be careful that you don't use him as your only source of love and affection. He loves you unconditionally but he's testing the waters with his words and actions and you're hurting right now at 3 yrs of age. He's going to be making friends and wanting to do things with them, expressing his like, his love for them.. like he has about Grandma. And there's a tinge of jealousy there. He can and does love all of you all at the same time.

You're a very lucky mom to have this wonderful son and very supportive mom in your life. Give your mom a hug and tell her how much you love her.

I went through this with my son. When he would say this, I would return with "I am sorry you feel that way but I love you very much". It would burst his bubble bec he wouldnt get the reaction he wanted. On the other hand his father would let it get to him and show it, and my son got the reaction he wanted. He stopped doing it to me way sooner than he did his dad. As he got older he knew what to do to get his dad going, but it didnt work with me (and he learned to to even try).
Best of luck, just remember he is just testing you.

I agree it is hard to hear...but just keep telling yourself it is a phase and they honestly don't get what it means and how much it hurts. I found good comebacks helped me (I was a single mom from pregnancy until my son was 11.) When my son said the I don't love you or I hate you I always reply "That's ok - because I still love you!" Made me feel better and as he got older he realized he wasn't getting the reaction he wanted and I rarely hear it anymore...although he does become a teenager next month...so I may start hearing it again soon! LOL :)
Also - my son liked to say "You are so mean! You are the meanest mom in the world". To which I always reply "I am not mean...I am EVIL" sometimes adding a little "muah ha ha ha haaaaaa" laugh at the end. This used to aggravate him to no end! He would almost always reply "NO YOUR'RE NOT!". And honestly - I haven't heard him call me mean in forever! LOL Good luck! Hang in there! :)

My toddler is doing the same thing, and we just let it roll off and ignore it, because she is just trying to get a rise out of us. We laugh and tell her that she can love all of us at the same time because we all love her, then we scoup her up and tickle her and make her laugh too. It is much better to make a game out of it, for everyone, than to get upset about it. Laughter is a great tool and we employ it as often as we can. Hope this helps. :)

I am going to give the advice that has been handed down for generations in my family...when you child says "I don't Love you...." you simply look them in the eye and tell them "That's o.k. I still love you"

I have to agree wth all the posts. But you know we are all human and have feelings so it does sting when they say those things. I, along with all the rest, just tell my son how much I love him no matter what.

Hi M.,

I am a single 31 year old mother of an 11 year old. My son hasn't gone through the I don't love you phase, but he has definitely hit the I hate you phase especially since it is a lot easier for him to tell me these things because I am the closest to him. He has said it to me twice and each time it felt like a stab in the back.

You just have to realize that you can't take it personal, otherwise they will see that they have the upper hand and will know which things to say or what buttons to push to get to you. I have been a single parent going on 6 years- trust me it gets easier once the child recognizes that you are supportive and a member of his/her team no matter what..even when they say things like that..I would just respond.."I love you anyway!"