How to Handle Grandma Being Very Ill

that is a very hard choice to make. i think it all depends on how well they knew her. if they knew her really well it may be good to see her one last time. you could ask gma how she feels about it. but at the same time if you just saw her in December it may be best to leave it at that

I would let the kids remember her as they already do. My 5 year old still worries about her great-grandmother who died and talks about her every day and it has been almost 2 years. We just recently had a family member die and we didn't even tell her about it or where we were going. I might tell them that Grandma is sick so that they aren't just blown away when she dies, but I would opt to not take them down there. HTH.

I know you have gotten lots of different advice on this topic. What I can say is that every child and every parent is different and you need to do what you feel is best for your family at the time. I feel like the best thing is not to lie about anything, don't sugar coat things TOO much and be ready to answer lots and lots of questions for a VERY long time. My daughters were 5 and 10 when thier Paw-Paw passed away and they were there when it happened, which was NOT my intention, but, in hindsight, it turned out to be a good thing so my daughters saw for themselves that he didn't hurt anymore, it wasn't a scary thing, we were crying and sad because we were going to miss seeing him for now and that God had him in his care. One thing I highly recommend you do is have your kids dictate a letter about NuNu to you: Describe NuNu, what is the best thing they like about NuNu, the most fun thing/time they remember doing with her and save it! Then have them draw a picture of how they felt when she died. It is very helpful for conversations with them. Both my girls went to the funeral and my 5 year old was trying to bring a notebook and pen into the service and we made her put it back. She later told us that she wanted to take it in to write down everything people said and what they did so she would know what to do next time someone died!!! Kids certainly do have a HUGE capacity for love and understanding! Our death happened 8 months ago and the girls still talk about him in a very loving way, remembering fun times, talking about him being sick, thinking of him at the holidays, and smiling when they talk of him! They still ask lots of questions, too. Things we have talked about, but they still need to be reassured that it is still ok. Bless you in this trying time. Be there for each other and TALK lots!!!

When my oldest daughter was 5 my grandmother was diagnosed with lung disease. My grandmother played a very big role in mine and my daughters life. I was a single mom and my grandma stepped up to the plate to help me out when my mother wouldnt. Me and my daughter were my grandmothers main care providers. Yes my daughter did a lot for her. It was embarassing to my grandmother to have help in the shower with getting her oxygen when she needed it and handing things like soap and towels so my daughter did it for her. Not as bad on her. My daughter did a lot for her. In the end my grandmother ended up in ICU. At first she was with us but then she would sleep for days and wake up for just a short period of time. I let her even go to the hospital to see her until she started sleeping all the time. I believe it was the best thing I could have done. My daughter does not remember the "bad" stuff just the good. I let her go to the funeral. I didnt want her to think I had grandma stashed somewhere and was just being selfish. I dont know if you believe in spirits but I believe that my grandma even visited her after she died. My daughter told me that she had a good visit with grandma one morning. I said you must of had a dream. She said that grandma told her that she loved her and that she was sorry that she couldnt say bye. She said she even hugged her. I think it was a good ending to a bad situation. I would go visit before she got too sick and when it was time for the funeral I would take them to see her again. Good times can even happen in times of sickness. I would not trade one second of the time I spent taking care of my grandma and Im sure my daughter would not either. I would do it many times over if I could. Even the "bad" days.

Please take your kids to see their Grand. She will be ever so lifted by there visit and they don't know that she looks terrible. All they know is their Nunu. They probably won't retain huge memories of this event, but I think you will be happy that you did let them spend time together, just in case. Children handle sickness and death much better than you may think. We just went through this with my Dad's passing and it involved a 2 year old, a 4 year old and two 9 year olds. They are very curious and deserve the opportunity to say goodbye. It is a natural process of life and it is best not avoided... that tends to make it scary. Good luck with whatever you decide.

If NuNu is coherent and would enjoy a brief visit from your family, you should do it. Chances are, the little ones will not remember as much of the negative as they will the travel and the love you will show could bring a highlight to NuNu. It is a rough time for all, but you could miss a sweet opportunity to hold and be close and show your support. Just be cognizant of the fact that she may not be up for much visiting for extended periods of time anyway, so the kids will not have to experience much of the negative. Maybe they can make some cards to take with that could cheer her during this time of need. Lots of Luck to you and your family.
A.

This is something that is SO hard to decide how to handle properly. All three of my surviving grandparents died of cancer the last three years I was in high school. I saw them when they were sick, but I think I'm better off that I didn't see them on their deathbeds. We lived in Texas at the time and they lived in Lexington, KY. Your babies are probably small enough that any memories they have of their grandmother will more than likely be positive. Any visits to her will help her in the end, but it's entirely up to you if you want your babies to see her suffering. I'm sorry I can't tell you what I think is right, because I don't know the answer. My parents went through the exact same thing- my mother stayed with her mom for a month until she passed, and by what she described I don't think I'd have wanted to see my grandmother like that. Maybe at this point you can send some pictures and videos to NuNu and let her know how much her grandbabies love her. Send your husband as much love and support as you can. My heart is definitely with you!

J., I'm so sorry for your situation. Please give your husband our best and let him know we will keep her and your family in our prayers. Cancer is such an ugly part of our lives. I just lost my uncle to cancer four months ago and my children had seen him 6 months earlier, just after his diagnosis, when he was still looking healthy. We came across a picture of him and his youngest granddaughter just before his death and my 12 yr old asked, "who's that?" When I told her it broke her heart. I don't advise taking your children to see her, however, I do think it would be a good idea to take your 5 yr old to the funeral if it occurs. I know you haven't gotten to that level yet, but I feel it's best for kids even, to have a final goodbye. It helps with closer. My SIL chose to not let her kids attend their grandmother's funeral, thinking they were too young, and they are still asking where Nanny is, a year later. As for your 3 yr old, I missed my grandfather's funeral because I was trying to keep my 2yr old quiet and settled outside. It will be very hard for your husband and he is the one that needs you right now. If he had you and the children there, it could make things harder for him...trying to be the strong daddy for his family. Let him grieve and take care of the homefront for now. She will not notice they are not there, probably, and once she has passed will always be watching over them. Let them remember her the way they saw her at Christmas...it will mean so much to them later. When my other uncle was killed, I wanted to remember him the day I left the airport for the military....instead, I saw the pictures of his murdered body in a field...that vision will never leave me. I hope this helps and I'm sorry for "unloading" on you, but I really wanted you to know my opinion. My ver best to you and your family and whatever you decide, keep talking to your kids. Let them express themselves verbally and be there to explain. I believe in being honest with my kids, no matter how old they are. Our prayers will be with you and our very best.

I have been through this EXACT same thing with my mother-in-law and my children in 1992, only we lived in the same area and they saw the whole process. My oldest daughter who was five at the time, was very close to her grandmother. But when she started getting pretty bad, she wasn't the same person and it scared her. She still remembers it and I think it bothers her, but it is a part of life, she is very compassionate of the elderly. My younger ones don't remember anything. In my opinion, since you are not in the same area there is no reason to frighten your children, let them have good memories of NuNu. My thoughts with you.

Either way, but to me, letting them remember her the way she was would be best. I am 64, we lost my mom last year. She lived in an apt on to our house. My daughter and her little girls were here all of the time, and the girls went in to see, "Grammy " everytime they were here. One night, mom just keeled over, and we found her later. We told the girls that Grammy had died, and she was in heaven, and she could run around and see her dogs and my dad. Just the other day, out of the clear blue, the 31/2 yr old said, "was that like Grammy" I said, our Grammy is in heaven, remember? And she said, " yes, Grammy is in heaven". So, there is not much memory and as long as it is not horrible, it will be ok. The thing is, is your hubby better off there, without having to worry about the children, or would the children be good for his dad, or just another problem. The end is very sad, it is awaiting game, you don't know when, she is requieing a lot of physical care. If she hears, have the children talk to her on the phone, that is enough. Have everyone tell her you love her. Tell the children she is very sick, sometimes people get that way when they get old. There are good books for children at Barnes and Noble. God bless, this is a hard time for you.

J.,

My grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer in November. She was not a candidate for chemo. At the end of December she went into the hospital for an infection. 4 days later she became unresponsive and never regained consciousness. The doctors told us that she had developed cancer in the brain which was causing her comatose state. It was very unexpected and had we had been expecting it, I could've better prepared myself. I was so close to her that it was unreal. I was her healthcare power of attorney, I took care of her finances, and talked with her everyday to make sure she was okay. I never expected this. If your children are close to her I would advise a trip to Florida. This has been a surreal event in my life. There are days that I come home from work and wait on her to call me only to realize that she isn't here anymore. Brain cancer is also unpredictable. The doctors told us that symptoms range from mild headaches to disorientation to what happened to my grandmother which is going straight into a coma and never waking up again. I have two children 1 that is 8 years old and one that is 10 months old but my children had constant contact with her so it's a little different situation than you're in. If she's not in the hospital and at home it may be better than a hospital setting. If you do take them - be prepared to answer questions especially from your 5 year old. They want to know everything.

Bless your heart! i'll definately pray for you guys. If it were me, I would let them remember Nunu as the fun, laughing grandmother and not the sick, weak one. maybe let them call her to say goodbye and that they love her.

My husband lost his grandmother when he was very young and his mother took him and his sister to see her in the hospital and he said that that image still haunts him. So i wouldn't take them. Let them remember her healthy and happy.

I am so sorry for your situation

Hello J., I'm sorry to hear about your mother-n-law. We've been there. Our children were 3,6 and 8 when my husbands mother died of breast cancer. Our children were extremely close to her. They did not see her real often, but when they did it was great. We opted not to take the kids to her services. They had been to see her a couple of times after she got fairly bad off. Due to how they reacted to those visits we chose not to have them attend the services. They are now all teenagers, and if asked they would say that they regret not being able to attend her funeral. I'm glad we took them to see her when she was so ill. I think it did the most for my husband and me. There is no easy way to handle this and it is completely up to you and your family. We all deal with things differently. I wish you and your family comfort and healing through this.

I would take them and then explain on the way home what is going to happen. My mother died of breast cancer 2 years ago when my daughter was 4. We told our daughter that grandmother had something called cancer and that she would soon go to heaven. Make sure they understand that what she has is different than just someone getting sick so they don't get scared every time you or someone else gets a cold. She actually handled it better than anyone. Children that age seem to be able to accept what we cannot.

You have to do what is right for you and your family. I will share with you my point of view. My husbands grandfather was very sick and we knew he would not be living much longer. My husband would not go to see him because he did not want to remember him like that. I went to see him because I put myself in his grandfathers shoes and thought how sad I would be, to be at the end of my life and not have my family around me. I do not question my husbands "ways". :) Everyone has to deal with death in their own way. But I try to think of the other person also.
My thoughts are with you and your family at this hard time.
Take care.

J.,
Unfortunately my family was in a similar situation LAST Christmas and my dear stepfather passed away 5 days before Christmas. However, my then 5 yr. old son was VERY close to him as he was the only father-figure my son knew. My mother kept my son while I worked so my son saw his 'Tippy' 5 days a week, therefore my son saw him get sick, go through the process and was even there for the last few days of his life. HOWEVER, if your children are not especially close with their grandmother I would not recommend them seeing her in the late stages of this horrible disease. THAT said, if SHE would like to see them one last time, a quick visit probably wouldn't hurt. You're 3 year old probably won't remember, but the 5 year old will. My husband still remembers spending his 4th birthday at the bedside of his dying Grandmother, and how scary it was. My son STILL has spells where he cries and sobs himself to sleep for his Grandfather, and it BREAKS my HEART! (but they were VERY close.) The other thing to consider is the fact that your kids WILL pick up on the emotions of adults, even if they think they are hiding it. If your husband is really having a hard time with it and very emotional right now, it may be best to keep your kids away. It really depends on the situation and how everyone is handling it. In my case, there was some really positive, happy, funny times towards the end because of my stepfathers sense of humor and the fact that he didn't want to scare my son. But if things are really tense and emotions are high you need to consider last effects on your kids. It's a really tough situation and I'm sorry you and your family are having to go through it. Cancer SUCKS!!!!! Best wishes to your family and your husbands.

Hi Jen,
I am so sorry to hear about your mother in law. I am also a grandmother of two beautiful young children and I wouldn't want them to see me like that. Those Christmas memories sound like the nicest possible way for them to remember their beloved grandmother. That's my advice anyway. At their ages I believe it would not be to their advantage, or hers. That would be their last memory of her, it wouldn't be the one they have right now from only 7 weeks ago. God bless you and your family.

J.,
It is kind of hard to give you advice on this, because you know your children best. My father was diagnosed with Liver Cancer Sept 5, 2008, he passed away on November 24, 2008. My children saw him everyday and would not have it any other way. My children however are 12, 14, & 16. You will have to decide what is best for your children, but I am glad my children got to tell my father every day how much they loved him and he got to tell them in return.

Sorry but I would let the kids remember NuNu as she was.At that tender age they might get scared or if she is really bad think thats its not her. Grandmom mite get upset with this, and being in pain not thinking rationally, lash out . When my mom got that way we made sure there was alot of current pictures of the kids where she could see them. Also the phone can be used so they can talk to her.

I have children that exact age and I just have no idea what I would do! That is horrible and just so hard. I think that I would most likely decide to take them to see her. If nothing else, it would make her happy. Let her see them and let them hug her. Just talk to them before you go and tell them that NuNu is very sick. She cannot get out of bed and may not look as good as you normally see her but she really loves you and wants to see you. You don't have to talk if you don't want to, just hug her and show her you love her. I just wonder if you don't take them if you will regret it later. It also depends on when the last time they saw her was. Was it a month ago or was it months ago? If recent, you can maybe pass on the visit but if in Sept, you may want to visit. PLus, you should visit and even be there for your husband. So sorry for your family.

I would take the children to see them. I remember at age 8 visiting my grandmother a few times when she was dying in the hospital. My dad explained that she was sick and tried to make it light hearted. We loved her very much and it was good to see her. When my dad was sick and dying I would take my son who was 3 to the hospital often and it cheered up my dad so much. If I hadn't gone to see my dad I would feel so badly today. My son was completely fine with it. I just made sure he was in his stroller part of the time with lollipops and would visit with my dad and then go for a walk with or without my dad in his wheelchair and then come back to the room. Kids who aren't prepared might get scared from some of the emails but if you explain to them what will happen I hope it would be ok. Sorry your family is going through this. God bless.

Hi J.,
I haven't been on the site in awhile, but when I read your request I felt compelled to answer. I feel the children should be involved at some level, they start to develop a grieving process so young and it will get easier as they get older instead of scarier. You know the limits of your own children best, they probably shouldn't spend all day at the hospital, as your husband may need to do. If you have other family members/friends that may watch them so you can be there with your husband, try to arrange that ahead of time. As someone else stated, every family handles things differently. However, you mentioned HOSPICE. They are a WONDERFUL group of people. They are a tremendous help for families dealing with illness and death. I would HIGHLY suggest that you call them even before she is admitted because they may have some suggestions to help you make your decisions about your children. I don't think she needs to be a patient for you to talk with them.
God Bless
P.

Hi J.,

Please try to remember that this is just my opinion but at the ages that they are, I would not take my kids to see her. It's sad because as we both know I am sure that it might truamatize their little minds. Cancer patients most times can look extremely gaunt which is scary for a child. However, i do not have an answer for how you would tell them when and why she passed if indeed that day comes.
Again, this is all just my opinion. Good luck to you and i am sorry that your MIL is so sick.

Dear J.,

I feel your children need to remember their Grandmother as she was.
Seeing her now would traumentize them.
Let them remember her as she was when she was well and had that wonderful smile.
Unless she wanting to see them.

Take care
God Bless
Vicki W.

If your children have a relationship wth Grandma, and it sounds like they do, I would talk with them in gentle and general terms to let them know she is ill. Children have big hearts and they are very resilient. You could tell them that Grandma has a very bad booboo in her head and that she doesn't feel well, that Grandma will be going to live with God soon. You could ask them if they'd like to see her while she's still here on earth, and maybe remind them that one day, a long, long time from now they will see her again in heaven. Children have an amazing and beautiful capacity for understanding life and death. Just give them a little bit of information and then let them ask questions. They might ask things like, "Does her booboo hurt?" or "Will my booboo cause me to go to heaven?" and then you can reassure them. My daughter (at a very young age) watched my mother decline and die. She was by my side helping to feed her and give her sips of juice. We talked almost daily (because she asked) about what was going on with Meemaw. If you and your husband share a faith, this is a special time to pass it on to your children.
Blessings to you and your family during this sad time.
A.

Hi J.,
I was in your situation 3 yrs. ago. My mother-in-law battled cancer for about 3 yrs. It started as breast cancer but spread to her liver and brain. During her last 6 months, she was very sick. Our daughter was 5 at the time, our son was 1 and didn't understand what was happening. Our daughter was very close to Grandma and still talks about her and misses her a lot. We let our children be around Grandma for the most part. It was good for them and for her. For a while, the lesions on her brain affected her personality, and we tried to sheild our daughter from that as much as possible. During the last few days when she was not responsive, we didn't let the children be around her. We didn't want them to have memories of that. I wish I didn't have memories of that myself.

If you are a Christian family, I recommend the book "Sarah's Grandma Goes to Heaven" by Maribeth Boelts. The book deals with a Grandma who dies of cancer. We got it just after my mother-in-law passed. It was difficult to read to my daughter, but important.

Hospice is great. We took my daughter to the local Hospice (not the one who served my mother-in-law) and she spoke to a counselor about 3 times a few months after Grandma died. They did some role playing with dolls and such. I think that helped a lot. They didn't charge for the sessions, but we made a donation to Hospice. I also borrowed a book from them before Grandma died about how to talk with children about a grandparent dying. I highly recommend you talk with your local Hospice chapter.

I'm sorry your family is having to go through this.

J.,
Your children are young. If they have never been around someone who is sick like that it can be scary. I have worked in nursing home/health care a long time. It is not always pretty in the last days. Have your husband talk to her about if she wants to see the kids again. If she does then really talk to them before hand about her being sick and some things that will be different than before. Let them know about things up front. Memory loss is something that frequently happens with brain cancer so you need to be prepared yourself as well as the children. God Bless and good luck! I will keep your family in our prayers.

Hi J., I just wanted to share my thoughts on this since I just went through this just shy of a year ago. My ds was 5 and dd 3--just like your children--and it was my grandmother (their great-grandma). Just 6 weeks before she died she was admitted to the hospital due to complications from diabetes and had her leg amputated. We were there and the kids played cards and visited with her. It was just a few weeks after being released that we learned she also had cancer and was given only a few weeks to months to live. I live 8 hours from my family and told them that I wanted to be told as soon as anything changed so we could get up to see her before she passed....I recieved the phone call at 9 am on a Mon. and we made it up there at 5 and she died at 3:30am. My kids went in to see her, talked to her (she was not concious)and asked questions. We explained that great-grandma was going to be an angel soon.........my ds would leave her bedroom and come back every so often to see if she was an angel yet....He fell asleep before she actually passed but in the morning ran to her bedroom and came running out all excited that the angels had come and took her to heaven while we were sleeping. My 3 yr. old asked if great-grandma was an angel and we said yes and that she was in heaven. Both kids were completely accepting of this understood that she had been sick but was "fixed and given a new leg" as my ds put it. They didn't completely understand that we wouldn't really be able to see her again but we answer questions and remind them that she is in heaven looking down on them...

I would not change how we handled the situation and for my kids it was a wonderful and loving experience. They are not afraid of death never worried that we would die and leave them or anything like that. Ultimately, it is going to be up to you if you want to take the children. Whether you decide to go or not, I do think it is important to not hide anything from them and let them know that grandma is sick and soon won't be here with them anymore. Are they going to understand what exactly is going on? No, of course not, but kids have a wonderful abitlity to make sense of things, that to us, seem too complicated to explain.

I say go see her, pronto! Tell the kids she is very sick and that's why she looks different. It will prepare them for when she dies. Without going into lots of detail, tell them that sometimes people get real sick and then die, and that it's important to go visit them while they're here. She needs the comfort of your visit, and you need the closure of knowing you did this, and your kids will remember she loved them to the end. GO!

My mom told me about your posting on here (Ruth P.) and I thought I'd let you know what I remember from when my grandmother died. Ovbiously it will depend on your family and children's maturity level, it is your decision.
My grandmother babysat us everyday while my parents were working and we were very close. When I was 5 years old she developed lung cancer, within months it spread to her brain.
I remember the last time I saw her as one of the most frightening times in my life. She had been taken home to die and was laying in bed the night we came to visit. My dad called me into her bedroom and told me to give her a hug. I came in and didnt even reconize the person in that bed. She was not the outgoing grandma that I remembered from a month ago. She looked different, she sounded different and she talked different. She coughed and wheezed and was saying things that weren't typical of her which (were the effects of brain cancer). I stuck around in the doorway for a moment and then took off down the hallway in tears. I was terrified to go near her. I understood that she was very sick and my parents explained to me that she was going to be dying, that it was a part of life, that I was going to miss her and that it was okay. However seeing her in that stated really messed with my young mind.
She passed away that night and for years that memory haunted me. I was also dealing with a lot of guilt, fearing that I hurt her feelings by running away and refusing to hug her. Now as an adult I realize that more than likely she didn't even understand what was going on and I believe that if she was coherent she understood why I was so scared.
I strongly urge you to consider how seeing their grandmother will stick in their minds. And if they do become frightened...it may hurt NuNus feelings if the children want nothing to do with her. If you do take them to see her make sure you prepare them for her being different and make sure they understand its still the same NuNu who loves them very much. Prepare NuNu with knowing what could happen.
Good luck with everything, your family is in my thoughts.