How to Handle -- Baby Shower Question -Updated

She may have just assumed that the father's side of the family wanted to co-host. She shouldn't have assumed.... but may have.

Honestly, I would probably just call the sister and ask what food is already planned and go from there. If you are not going to make it, offer to send some money for her to pick something up (fruit tray, veggie tray, cheese and crackers, whatever.) Or decide on something easy to transport. Again, veggies are easily put in ziplock bags, transported in a cooler along with the dip and arranged on site. Salad and fixings, same thing.

I wouldn't consider myself a regular "guest" at my brother's baby shower, so the fact that others aren't being asked to bring food wouldn't matter to me. I would be the aunt-to-be, so I have a different status.

I think it sounds very down-to-earth and family-like for her to have the SILs bring potluck. I wish more people would stop all of the Housewife mimicking (catered showers).

I am with her. Sorry.

Call your SIL's sister to avoid any misinterpretation in texting or emails. Maybe your brother thought you (meaning all his sisters) wanted to help, maybe he told his SIL that you would or might want to and maybe that was why she sent the text. CALL her and talk to her. "Hello Susan. I got your text about the baby shower and figured I would call to discuss it. I didn't realize a date, time, and location was already picked so given the distance I have to check the details and my calendar to make sure I can make it. I hope I can. Your text was asking about food, was it intended for me? " Take it from there.

If it were me, I would say something along the lines of, "Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't realize that the baby shower is going to be a potluck. What would you like me to bring, and how many people are we serving? Please keep in mind that I will have a fairly long travel time, so a dish that doesn't need to be served warm is probably the best option for me."

Your SIL's sister sounds clueless. If she wanted you to bring food, she should have asked you before even sending out the invitation list. Hosting any shower can be very expensive and time consuming. She is probably just now finding that out for herself. But I wouldn't try to call her out on the carpet for her bad manners. It would be embarrassing for your SIL. Good luck to you and your sisters. I hope your SIL has a lovely shower.

Well, it looks like I'm going to be in the minority here. It's your brother. He's having a baby. Be generous. And do it with a happy heart.

Was that sister of your SIL being rude/presumptuous/etc? Yes. But if her only crime is assuming that the future Aunt of the new baby would be excited enough to want to help with the party, I don't see how this makes her a terrible person.

If it were me, I'd clear the calendar for July 20th, and then text her back with a message of what I thought I could bring. 140 miles, 2.5 hours, food easily travels that far. Maybe not the cake, but cookies or an appetizer, or a fruit salad wouldn't be a problem.

The alternative: say no, and you are the sister that refused to help with the baby shower for your own brother's first baby simply because she doesn't like the way that she was asked. Is that who you are?

I think a phone call is critical - anything you attempt to convey via email or text puts you at high risk for having your tone or meaning misinterpreted. It will cause a lot more drama if done in writing than if you actually talk to her and can work it out that way.

There must have been some miscommunication along the way - either she thinks she asked you and didn't, or she asked in a passive/aggressive way so you didn't even realize you were being asked. Or, maybe you said something that she interpreted to mean you would help, even if that's not actually what you said or meant. In any case, by talking on the phone, you can work it out.

If you're attending the shower, personally, I don't think it would be a big deal to bring something small or simple. Maybe just offer to pick up a cake or something. Trust me, I totally get where you're coming from and don't blame you one bit for being annoyed or frustrated. I don't like being asked to help host a shower when I didn't offer or plan to. But, having been the host before, I do appreciate help, especially from family members or friends who are closest to the parents-to-be. So, for that reason, I'd probably offer something like dessert since it doesn't require too much effort on my part. I enjoy baking or could easily order and pick up a cake. A nice cake is usually available for under $25 from Costco or a grocery store - it doesn't have to come from a fancy bakery.

I don't think you and your sisters necessarily need to all do the same thing either. If one of you agrees to help and another doesn't, that's ok too. Each of you should do what's best for you.

I would toe the middle ground on this one.

1. Thanks for inviting me to the shower. 2. I'm not sure I am going to be able to attend. 3. I was never asked and never committed to bringing any food. 4. As I'd like SIL to have a lovely shower, I will be sending a gift card in the amount of $xx via e-mail to SIL for YY food establishment in lieu of prepping something.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

In my extended family the women (closest family members) ALWAYS provide some kind of food, even if the event is partially catered. I realize not everyone does this, but maybe that's how her family does it too, and therefore that's just what she knows.
Just give her a call, let her know that you're not sure if you'll be able to make it, and offer to put a little money towards the shower rather than bringing a dish. Hosting these things can get very expensive, and when it comes to family I think it's always nice to offer to help out.

Wow. That's quite the faux pas.

Call her. And be prepared to set boundaries.

You absolutely shouldn't be expected to provide anything other than a shower gift, as you're not the hostess, and you're not even in the area. She offered to host...it's her responsibility to provide all that entails.

ETA: You know, I agree with Mynewnickname. This is your brother...and after the annoyance about SIL's rudeness wears off, the fact remains that your brother and his wife are having their first baby! How exciting that you're going to be an auntie!

You should help, IF YOU CAN. Perhaps you could call her and discuss how. I would make certain that you didn't know that you were expected to help until you got her text, and that she should CALL if she needs anything, because you need time to prepare. I think cut fruit and cheese can travel nicely in a cooler, and be arranged on a platter upon arrival.

Best,
C

CALL her - the printed word can be easily twisted.

Explain that because of the distance you aren't entirely sure you can make it and would hate to have them count on you for food if you won't be there.

Sounds like the hostess is very disorganized and panicking.

And she sent this in a text? Ooooh, brave. Shameless, lol.

Call her. I would put the responsibility back on her, say something to the effect, "Hey, I was never asked to provide any food, and don't plan to. As a matter of fact, I may not be able to attend, but thanks for reminding me of the date! It should be fun for ____________! (Your SIL.)"

Let your sisters know what you say so you can all use similar wording, too. Some people...

I agree that a phone call, not text or e-mail, is warranted. Just tell her like you told us, you're not even sure if you'll be able to attend so you can't commit to providing any refreshments. If you can, offer to help with money.

Sounds to me like the sister has taken control without any consideration to anyone else. Since you do not want to cause any problems, I would seriously consider if you could make it on the 20th and go from there.

If you can, send her an email asking what type of food she was thinking and then proceed accordingly? If you can't, send her an email stating you had a prior committment and will not be attending. Of course, if this were me, I would be adding the statement: "since I wasn't consulted in the planning stages," ......

Good luck!!!

oh my! how uncomfortable!
i'd be baffled too.
since your relationship with your SIL is so good, i guess i'd roll with it, although i'd have to have a stern talk with myself about keeping a good attitude. i suppose your best bet is to have something- chocolate covered strawberries? a balloon cake?- delivered since you're now expected to provide something.
ish.
khairete
S.

Wow, pretty gutsy sister of SIL! Definitely rude on her part, but you mention that you are trying to take the high road here, which is super nice of you.

If it was me, whether you call or text/e-mail back, I would say something like this:

"So great to hear from you! I know me and my sisters offered to host this before, but honestly it turns out it was a relief for you to take this on. I guess I hadn't thought how difficult it would be to find the time, especially living so far away. But I'm really glad you asked me to consider bringing a dish. Let me first double check that I am able to attend. I hope I can, and if that's the case I will bring X. I'll let you know by X date. I'm sure it's going to be so much fun!"

This keeps it nice while keeping this option on your terms. You've been clear that you might not be able to attend. But keep your word- if you can go, let her know asap and pick what YOU want to bring. Way to keep it on the classy end- I may not be able to hold my tongue!

Just tell her that this is the first you've heard that there WAS a finalized date, or anything about bringing food.
Surely she knows how far away you live.
Tell her that you cannot be expected to cater a party from 140 miles away without being first ASKED to do so, and with enough advance notice to be avble to work it into your schedule and budget.

My knee-jerk reaction is to tell her to sit on it and rotate. She needs to learn what it means to throw a shower, and assigning things for people to do and bring while she sits back and takes credit is not how to do it.

However, taking a breath and stepping back, I look at it differently. I hate to let people like this "get away with it", but sometimes you just have to let it roll off your back. The shower is for your SIL, whom you really like, as well as for your future niece/nephew. As much as I hate to say it, maybe this isn't the time to school someone on how to behave. (Because I would REALLY, really want to!)

I would simply tell her that you were unaware that you were going to need to be making food for this, and that it is simply going to be impossible due to the distance you need to travel (if you can even make it). If you know for sure that you WILL be there, and will be staying with someone else, will it be possible to make something simple, such as a casserole, or salad?

So glad I didn't respond until I read your SWH. Wow! What an interesting situation your SIL's sister has created! I'm a little blown away!

If it is possible, I would do whatever you can to be there and to bring something - fruit salad, dessert, appetizer that's still good reheated in the microwave. You could also order something from a nearby restaurant and pick it up on your way to the party. That would be a bit more expensive, but definitely easier!

As ridiculous as the sister is being (and this really takes the cake!), do it for your brother and the good relationship (I'm fairly certain) you want to maintain with them. It really is worth the trouble.

On a side note, my sister and my brother's wife hosted one shower, while my husband's sister and cousin hosted another one. I also had a small one with my co-workers. Is that not fairly common?

Oh my, how presumptuous. I would respond with a phone call, definitely not an email or text to avoid further complications. It's ok to act baffled, you are! Just comment that some wires must have gotten crossed somewhere since this is the first you've heard of the finalized details. If it were me, I'd tell her that you hadn't planned on handling the food, but would like to donate $_____ toward whatever she chooses.

That's of course if you can even go! I guess I'd figure that out ASAP before calling.

____
ETA: eeks, after seeing your SWH, I bet your SIL would be mortified if she knew what was going on behind the scenes! The sister sounds like a piece of work, sorry to say.

My reaction would be, do something over the top!

Get with your 2 sisters and have food sent in. Burst her little bubble and don't look back.

There are a ton of food companies/resturants that ship. Get crab cakes from Blue Crab Trading Company, Beef sandwiches from Portillos...

Tell the sil's sis that your family is having their own shower and that this one she's doing is mostly for her own side of the family if you guys want. I had one for each side of the family. That way the baby gets a lot more variety and the mom to be gets to have more party's.

just curious are there mothers of the mom to be and dad to be??, and where are they in all of this?

While i get that the AUNT to be would generally throw the shower it's usually with the grandmothers backing her up and then the other aunts assisting sort of as the next step down. so just wondering if mom volunteered you somehow.

i would make it a point to be there, smile smile smile and as for the food that's up to you, i like the gift card or picking up the cake or making something yourself. I don't know that i would committe to spending more than say$50 but that's up to you.

I know she didn't ask and I would be baffled the way it came out. Maybe your brother volunteered you or someone else in the family. If it was me I would just go with it if I was planning on going. I would want to help out anyway. That being said, being that you are so far away I would offer to bring something else than food. Perhaps some 2 liters of pop or something like that.

You can do one of two things. Go to the sister that texted you and let her know you don't know if you can even make it but if you can because of the distance you will not be able to provide any food.
or second you can talk to your brother and let him know what's going on and ask him to talk to his SIL if you don't feel comfortable doing it. That is crazy that she would do that. When I had a shower for my SIL (husband's sister) I asked if the other SIL (Husband's SIL) wanted to help and never heard back from her so I did it all on my own. I never asumed that anyone was helping and they didn't. I decided I was the oldest siblings wife and the oldest sister on that side lives out of town so I needed to so it. To me what this sister did is crazy!!!

Is there something like a Cookie Bouquet or Edible Arrangements (fruit and/or veggies) somewhere in either your area or the area of the shower? IF so, you could pick one up or have it delivered to the party site - and if there are others in your area in this same situation, you all could go in together and get a larger arrangement!

No wonder you're unsure, since she has confused you all with her original rebuff. And now she's trying to tell you what to do. And how astonishing that she is doing this to friends as well - wow, even demanding that it's in someone else' backyard! Boy, does she has nerve...

If you don't think you can go, then that knocks you out from bringing food. But you can ask one of the others if they would buy some food that Costco puts together and bring it to the shower in your stead. Send her the money for it.

Good luck with this...

Talk to the sister of your SIL privately and raise your concerns in a friendly way.