*My daughter visits her dad every other weekend. She loves her dad very much and I never say anything negative about him to her or anything. The problem is, he doesn't seem that happy when it's his turn to have her and he always brings her home early because he has something he wants to do and she is so heart broken. She cries all the time when he brings her home because she wants to spend more time with him and talk to him but it isn't the same for him on his part. He does love her but she tends to get angry at me when he doesn't own up to his end of things. She is very emotional now and I don't know if I should talk to her about her dad and try to explain that he could spend more time with her but doesn't or what. I need to know if I need to say anthing at all. I am very heart broken because she is and I don't know what to do about it. I have tried to talk to him but, he acts like a kid. What do you suggest I do?
I put this under the wrong heading, I am new, sorry!
Shelly, It sounds like you guys are as different as night and day. It can be so hard to be that different from a man who is really cool otherwise.
I'd suggest couples counseling if you are thinking the relationship may progress beyond dating. These types of disagreements are often fatal to marriages.
Hi Shelly,
Since your boyfriend will not stop playing favorites, it may be best for your own child if you move on.
I know it hurts to think about, but you have to put your child first in your life. You really don't want her to grow up feeling like she is always going to be second to the son, and she is going to eventually start resenting him and your boyfriend, and even you, especially you, since you are allowing it to happen.
Kids don't understand the idea that you have 'talked and argued' about it with him, and he is still doing it. Kids see only the end result, that it is happening, and they will look to their parent(s) to stop it from happening. If parent(s) do not stop it, then why should the child trust the parent for anything?
This may seem extreme, but children really do feel insecure a lot, anyway, but in this type of situation, it can only get worse for her if it continues.
As for the boyfriend, I realize that he thinks he is helping his child, but he is confusing him more than anything. He is trying to buy his child's love by showering him with attention (and probably gifts) in order for the child to love him more than his mother. Sure, he can disguise this by saying that the child doesn't get that much love from his mother, but how in the world would he know that? His mind is probably still clouded with resentment over the breakup or divorce, and he is holding a grudge against the ex, so he can't get past the hurt and disappointment.
He needs to first get over the fact that his ex has joint custody, then he needs to talk to her about what they both expect in the way of parenting skills, and the main thing the child needs is consistency! If he gets treated like a king while living with Dad, he is going to eventually use that against Mom, even though she is probably doing everything she can to show him love without spoiling him. Dad's often think that they can buy a child's love, instead of being a normal father. When he was living full time with the child, he probably didn't act this way at all.
He needs to take a good hard look at what he is doing, and the signals he is giving his child, and you. If he can't get past it, you really may have to move on, for your own child's sake.
Good luck to you, and take care.
Go to this website. It has a lot of information about children with Crohn's. It was one thing we'd looked into for my son, although he was just 1 at the time, and it's extremely rare to show up before school age.
Here's the symptoms it lists:
* Abdominal pain and cramping
* Recurring diarrhea, not related to flu or other viral illness
* Unexplained low grade fever
* Anemia
* Joint pain accompanied by redness
* Eye inflammation, (if left untreated may lead to blindness)
* Abdominal swelling, accompanied by pain
* Sudden severe constipation, with inability to pass gas
* Fissures or openings on the skin with no known cause
* Loss of appetite
* Rectal bleeding
Diarrhea and slow growth in my son was our concern.
Only about 20% of cases are supposed to be inherited, but you never know if you're that 20%. Hope this helps.
It's sad to say, but you may need to re-think the relationship. I have learned from experience that many fathers have a lot of guilt over not being a constant presence in their kids lives. They tend to overcompensate because of it. More times than not, they are unwilling to change their views on how to raise their kids and you surely cannot change him.
My brother had Crohns disease..so my family is well educated on the subject. Typically, it doesn't show up until the late teenage years...how old is your daughter? The signs are usually severe cramping and diarreah..and certain foods are triggers...like some dairy, nuts, spicy...etc...
I don't know what to say. I am in the same situation, but I married the man. We never argued about my daughter until we married. He showed me a different man than the one I am living with now. My daughter gets no discipline and it seems as if every paycheck she comes home with a new $200 toy because her mom doesn't want her to live with her. Don't marry the man..if you love him try to work it out, but it's best that you found this out now and not have to go through a divorce.
my best friend went through that with her husband and when he really saw his son for who he was it was really too late. he does not get to see his son at all now and his son is 16. he thought it was always my girlfriends kids and that everybody was lying on him. well its out and now he does not even want to deal with him because he is so manipulative. just hang in there and do your best and just love him. you more how much you can take.
be blessed.
Shelly,
You need to make sure that your daughter knows that she is Number One in your life. That does not mean that you need to spoil her, but to be there for her let her know that you are there for her.
In a loving way try to explain to your boyfriend that he is not helping his child by giving him everything he wants. Try and set up some chores for the children to earn points (or money) and when they reach them that is when they get to cash in the points (or spend the money).
I'm not sure if I have helped but I hope everything works out for you and your loved ones.
I agree with Nancy also.
God Bless
J.
Being the product of divorced parents where my father was similar to your daughter's father, let me tell you that the last thing you want to do is tell her that it's her father's fault. She needs to figure it out on her own. If you tell her that he could spend more time with her but he doesn't want to she is just going to get angry at you. While there is no logic to that, it's still going to be your fault. Let it go, leave it alone, let her figure it out. It took me until I was about 16 but I did finally figure out that my father was just a jerk and there was nothing anyone could do about it.
Shelly
Sounds to me like your doing a great job. I still wouldn't recommend talking her to about him. I'm sure that would backfire and she would only get madder at you. Just let her know that your their for her and she can talk with you about anything. Also let her know you enjoy her being with you. Plan something special even if it's a home with her. Keep up the great job :-)
Is there a posibility this could be ulcerative colitis? I had it and to make long story short, had my entire colon removed due to UC. the symptoms can very much be close to Chrohn's
I think if you can't accept the way he is with his son then you shouldn't be with him. Parents tend to be favorable to their own children. I believe if you love him, you can work past this.
