Teen Daughter Disrespectful

Nanny cam so you can see who is lying, family counseling, and the boyfriend moves out until and IF you decide to marry him.

Did you get her input about having him move in before he did? Or did you just move him in without consulting her?
It was her home before it was his, after all, and she's being asked to change the way things have always been in HER home for his sake.

I don't think you have just one problem here (boyfriend and daughter not getting along) but quite a few:

Your daughter, by your description, has developmental delays and is less mature than her peers.

Your daughter is reeling from her family being torn apart.

Your daughter is already emotionally upset and now feels that she has to *share* you.

Your boyfriend has his own developmental issues (I'm sorry, but that's what they are) and is likely also being immature.

Ideally, when there is divorce, the parents of the family will refrain from bringing new people into their child/ren's lives until the children have had some time to process, grieve, strengthen themselves emotionally and to grow a bit. Even the most well-adjusted, typical child needs this.

Ideally, when we find a partner in life, we choose someone who we deem as our equal in intelligence, emotional maturity, and who is willing to work/has worked on their own baggage and issues. I'm not saying people don't come into relationships with this stuff, but it's so much better if there can be some strong foundations laid before cohabitation begins AND if we feel an adult loving, bonded connection with them and less of an emotional caretaking one.

Honestly, if I were to find myself in your situation, I would take a big step back on the boyfriend.Why? Because he is old enough to seek help for feeling emotionally secure on his own, through counseling. He is old enough that if he decides that living separately and dating isn't enough for him, he can be sad that the relationship didn't work, pick himself up and move forward.

I'm not dismissing his feelings, but I am clarifying that my priority would be first and foremost toward my child.

Personally, I think that you and your daughter need to attend counseling together, not just for her but for both of you. You've spoken to the counselor about your daughter's behavior, but are you examining your own? I ask this because emotionally healthy and happy women don't usually choose to partner with emotionally needy guys who are making them feel that they have to choose between him and her child. To me, that says more about where you are at and what you are thinking/needing right now than it does about either of them. If you'd chosen a strong man who was willing to do the hard work it takes to be a step-parent-- and in my opinion, you don't bring another person into an established family unless there is a long-term plan for marriage and family blending-- if you had chosen a strong man, there would still be problems, but you wouldn't feel so stretched.

I'd encourage you to figure out why you are in this particular relationship, why you feel this man will benefit yourself and your daughter (you haven't mentioned that yet), and what your long-term goals are and how both he and your actions fit into that vision. It's not too late to take a hard look at the path you are going down and change the plan if need be. Or to really work to strengthen that foundation which you want to be 'family' for you. Teens are typically difficult by nature, divorce is hard by nature, blending families is very, very hard and does well with much therapeutic support--- all of these are just to start. Add in a less-mature adult male who is needy and a child who should be your first priority.... and it's very challenging. Even in the very best of situations.

Take a look at YOU, figure out what you are needing (because we are strangers and really cannot answer that for you-- soul searching is all I can advise, aside from having boyfriend move out, at least until he gets some of his part of things together) and what your daughter is needing and start from that place.

One other thing: "My boyfriend says that isn't fair to him and that I should not let my daughter dictate my life." It's not your daughter that is dictating your life, it's your obligation as a mother which is the ultimate last word, and he's in a power struggle with that obligation- truly, he's struggling with you and your priorities. It's easier to deflect and to talk about your girl instead of having this more real, harder conversation. Don't get too sidetracked and don't let him make her out to be more of a problem than is fair to her.

Good luck.

ETA: I notice you have changed your original question and have shined a much kinder light on your boyfriend. Please consider, deep down, why you feel more of a need to protect your boyfriend from our opinions than your daughter.

SERIOUSLY-- think deeply on how that reflects your priorities. Good grief.

There is something VERY telling in the fact that you changed your post by taking out all the negative things about your BF, very telling indeed!

Maybe it would be in your daughter's best interest to be living with her Father at this moment in time? It appears you are more interested in making things easier on your BF at this point than in ensuring your daughter is safe and healthy and being raised in a stable environment?

Just an outsiders opinion...based on what you have written both times and how you have changed your post to suit your needs.

~As a person who is highly sensitive to inappropriate behaviors between grown men and young girls, I am uncomfortable with what you had written about how your BF interacts with your daughter. You also painted her in a very vulnerable light, developmentally delayed, insecure from the divorce, etc. I think she should be with her Father if you are unwilling to see your BF for who he is, which in the very least is incredibly immature.

How ridiculous that you completely reworded your post!! Now I really feel sorry for your daughter. Even more so than before... Grow up. I can't believe you would throw your daughter under the bus like this. I hope you're a troll vs your poor daughter has to live with a mother like you.

*****Wow...wow..wow..that is all I can muster right now. You totally changed your post's title and re-worded the entire post. Wow!! Nothing mentioned here about her being develpmentally or emotionally delayed,or him cursing in front of her, or giving her the middle finger.

Looks like you don't need or want any help from us mommas who really just wanted to help your daughter and the mess you created for her. Looks like you have it all figured out eh? You believe your daughter is the problem and your live in boyfriend is the angel.

Good luck with that!!!

Pshhhh....riddle me this one ESgirl831. Why is your disrespectful,cursing boyfriend more important to you than your daughter, your self respect, your self worth and setting a good example for her??*****

---------------------My original post written to the original question----------------
You almost lost her at birth?? Well...don't lose her now!!

I am sorry....but all your adult feelings get put on hold to help your delayed daughter. SHE COMES FIRST. You say you would "give up my life and relationship for her...I would do so". Then do it!!

Date the boyfriend occasionally but mother and nurture your child as much as possible. You don't have time to split yourself between a daughter and a live in boyfriend. It actually sounds like you have two children in the house competing for your attention. Let your child be the child and let your boyfriend grow up out in the real world on his own.

You mention he is dependent on you for affection and attention. You mention he curses too much yet you want your daughter to respect him. Ummmm...it is hard to show an adult respect when they are acting like a child. Don't put the responsibility on your daughter to be the mature one to have to weed through your boyfriends emotional problems and show respect regardless of his behavior. That is soooo wrong!!

You sound waaaaaay needy to invite this boyfriend into your home with all his problems. Find a man, date a man and then marry a man before bringing him home to your daughter.

You keep up this behavior and your daughter is going to go looking for love in all the wrong places and then complain to her guy that she didn't get enough love and attention from her own mom because she was too busy with her needy,cursing boyfriend. She will resent you.

No she is not upset that 100% attention is not on her. She is upset her parents are divorced, she doesn't see her dad much except for phone calls, and her mom has brought a boyfriend in the house who is cursing and being disrespectful to house rules and acting like a child by being dependent on her mom for affection and attention.

Wake up mom!! Don't lose your daughter NOW!! She needs you!! Wait til she is older to go looking for your own love from a man. You don't have enough time or energy to split your attention and affection...stop spending your time putting out fires between your daughter and boyfriend. Stop spending your time lecturing your boyfriend about cursing and being a good role model.

Find a good role model in the first place for her!!

"My boyfriend is very dependent on me for affection and attention as well"
He is a grown man. He doesn't get to be a child. HE is acting like a child. He doesn't get to need your affection, like your daughter does. It doesn't matter what is FAIR to him right now.

Is she acting out? Yes. Is she acting childish? Yes. She IS a child. I'm not saying she shouldn't be disciplined as normal, or be allowed to get away with things. I actually think you are allowing your boyfriend to dictate YOUR feelings here. Your daughter sometimes will dictate your choices, because some choices won't be best for her. You make the better choices not because she is acting out or asking, but because you are a mother and that's what you do.
I think it's time to get your priorities in order.

Your boyfriend is NOT READY for a relationship involving child and parenting. He is immature and a child himself. Of course, it's going ot be like this.

Boyfriend should move out. Your daughter is clearly not ready for this step. If she really does come first for you, prove it by slowing down the relationship with the immature boyfriend, and focus on helping your daughter heal from the divorce. In another few years you can do whatever you want. This is a very sensitive time in your daughters life, and how you react to this situation and to her, will likely shape who she is for the rest of her life.
Boyfriend sounds really immature. Aww, he thinks "its not fair"? Really? Poor baby. The thought of a grown man whining about "its not fair" regarding a 13 year olds feelings makes me sick.
Also, how exactly does one "misinterpret" someone giving them the finger anyway? Either he did or he didn't, but you are walking a dangerous line if you are going to start believing your boyfriend over your daughter like that.
This whole situation should be screaming "RED FLAG" right in your face. I think it is, and that is why you are here. You have taken the right first step. So, now continue to listen to your gut, and address the problem.

I'm glad I read your original question where you stated that he calls her a "dimwit" and flips her the bird. You know, the question where you mention nothing about "girl time" and talk about how your live in lover needs extra emotional attention because he had an abusive/neglectful childhood, and how you never mentioned anything about talking to your daughter before he moved in. The question where your daughter seemed hurt rather than "spoiled..."

I'm sorry, but the way you originally described this man, he doesn't love her like a daughter. If this is a real question, you need to pay more attention to your daughter and not worry about your lover.

Oh, and welcome to mamapedia. Your behavior, changing your question, is frowned upon around here.

What the heck?!?! You totally changed your question. It still doesn't matter. YOU are wrong here. The BOYFRIEND moves out and your DAUGHTER takes priority.

Seriously...I can't believe you changed your post and are now completely bashing your own child in defense of your over needy boyfriend. Shame on you.

I agree that she should not dictate your life, however, she is 13 and in the middle of major changes going on in her life. You brought someone into HER home and HER family dymanic and you expect HER to act like everything is ok. it also sounds like the BF you have chosen is not mature enough to have a relationship.

I guess bottom line... who/what is more important to you... your daughter (GOD I hope she is your priority)
..........or a live in BF (which is already setting up a glorious example for your daughter) and the sexual relationship you now have?

She needs you more than ever right now. She'll be grown up and out of your house before you know it. Do you really want to spend that time arguing because you have a bf and needs? She has needs that are more important right now. Think about your daughter... not yourself.

Why on earth are you living with a man when your daughter still hasn't healed from your divorce? I'd take a BIG step back (meaning, move BF out right away) and get back to focusing on your daughter. You can't mother them both, and it sounds like your BF is looking for too much attention.

It is not about disappointing your daughter. It is about making her your top priority.

ETA: Why the HELL did you re-word your question? Your initial question was much more honest about the totality of the situation. You are putting the blinders on and burrying your head in the sand by absolving your EXTREMELY immature, selfish and needy BF from his responsibility in this situation. Is a BF really worth losing your daughter? You DO realize that this is the most critical time in the life of a young girl, right? She needs YOU, YOU do not need HIM.

I don't understand why you are already living with another man when your daughter hasn't even healed from the divorce.
I also don't understand "loving" a man who sounds like a child. If he has issues then he needs to work on them, why subject yourself and your child to that?
Red flags everywhere here. YOU are your daughter's biggest role model, and she is at a crucial age.
Are you proud of the example you are setting for her?

Maybe your kiddo should live permanently with her father, if your boyfriend's comfort is more important to you than hers.

It's possible your daughter is not being honest about everything, but...

...if something happened w/ me and my husband (or God forbid, TO him), and my youngest was 13, I could wait 5 years to date.

I am probably older than you - I'm an old Mom - and I dated a LOT before I married. Looking back...the only thing I regret is that I spent so much time and energy on men who didn't deserve it, simply because I wanted (or thought I needed) a man in my life.

Trust me, you don't need a man, not really. But your daughter needs you.

ETA: Your changed text doesn't change my response. I am actually more worried that you felt the need to change it, given the details. Were you concerned he would see it and be hurt? Is he making you (and her?) responsible for his feelings? Is so, that's not OK; it's a tactic of emotional abusers. It's not your job to protect him from his own behavior. Anything that is not OK for other people to know about is NOT OK.

You are putting your daughter in a very dangerous situation. You say she is immature and her judgement is not the best, being delayed. That means you are always questioning her honesty and judgement.
Perfect conditions for a immature bf to take advantage of her.

Turn this around. If this were your ex who had a live in gf that your daughter complained of giving her the finger and calling her a dimwit, you would be all over your ex.

You have one priority. Your daughter's well being. Is this how you want her boyfriends to treat her? Apparently it is. Good luck raising your grandkids.

Your boyfriend needs to go. She's not ready to have someone else living in "her house" and if she's developmentally delayed, you will need to tread very slowly to explain all of this to her. Your boyfriend sounds incredibly immature and overly needy.

I am thinking that your boyfriend somehow expected 100% of your time and attention, but with a child living in your home... that will never happen.

How long have you been with him? Has your daughter always disliked him or did this start when he moved in? How long have you been divorced?

I suspect that if you ask him to move out because your daughter is not ready to have a man living in her house, he will end the relationship. I'm sure that is upsetting to you, but the constant bickering will have the same result... he'll make some strange ultimatum and end up moving out in the end.

PS: Unless "dimwit" is a word she has heard somewhere else, he probably did call her that. It's not really a term that tweens use. It's a term that is pretty common among adults.

Its time to decide who is most important. Your daughter or your live-in BF. I hope you choose your daughter. I would give your boyfriend the opportunity to stay your boyfriend ONLY if he moves out quickly and quietly and without mean comments to your daughter. If he says one bad thing to or about your daughter, then I'd drop him like a bad habit.

If he is really worth of being your husband, then he will move out quickly and apologize to you and your daughter. If you want to be a good example for your daughter, don't live with your next husband until he walks you down the isle showing he values and respects you and doesn't think of you as a sex toy and a free ride.

Good luck to you and yours.

ESgirl:
People give respect when they are given respect. You previously stated that your boyfriend calls her a dimwit and gives her the finger. He is supposed to be an adult.
You say "he loves her like a daughter". Please understand that love is never enough. I have plenty of friends whose dads loved them, I would assume, yet disrespected them by calling them names, acting jealous, etc. All of these friends have severe man-issues now. Your boyfriend needs to be modeling the behavior he expects from her. The only way you can expect her to be respectful is if both of you model the behavior for her.
I am glad you have an appointment with a therapist. Family counseling is needed here. Also I would suggest parenting classes.

Ditto to Patricia G's response.

I sincerely hope you put your daughter's needs above those of yourself and your boyfriend. Her "behavior" is a result of your lack of parenting and follow-through. She should be first and foremost.

I think you moving your bf in sounds incredibly selfish and it sounds like a nightmare for your daughter. As the child of multiply-divorced parents, I can tell you that you are not being the mom that you should be. Please move him out and focus on your daughter's needs right now. She needs her mother much more than you need a boyfriend. And if he's the right man for you (which he sounds like an immature boy to me), then he will understand that moving out is the proper and only choice.

EDIT: Since you've changed your post, it sounds like you are on the road to a happy, healthy family! (That was sarcasm). Please remember that children do NOT spoil themselves. It amazes me how many parents label their kids as spoiled, without realizing that they are themselves the cause!

My parents brought a lot of extra parents into my life and it has taken me a long time to understand their need to appease their own loneliness at my and my sister's expense. We were not ready in any way for these new relationships and yet they were forced on us. I highly encourage you to really try to see things from your daughter's perspective. Please put yourself in her shoes. Good luck to your family.

How long have you been divorced and how long have you been in a relationship with your boyfriend? Given that your daugther is in therapy dealing with the divorce, I'm going to guess that the answers to those questions are "not long enough." Unless you're going to marry the guy - and frankly, he doesn't sound like marriage material - there's no need for your daugther to have to deal with him at all, much less live with him. Sorry, but as a former single mother, it kills me when other single moms drag their kids into the drama of their adult relationships. Unless the guy is marriage material and you have a ring on your finger and a wedding date set, you have no business bringing him into your home to disrupt your child's life.

You completely changed your post. Most people who responded were responding to your original post.

Your new post puts your boyfriend in a much better light and implies you think your daughter is the problem. I think you should do some real soul searching about this guy and your relationship. Sorry but it sounds like the classic case of Momma putting her boyfriend before her kids.

You only see your 13 year old when she's not living at her Dad's, she went through a divorce where her life was turned upside down and she's TELLING you she feels neglected. I think she should be your number one priority while she's at your house, why force the live in relationship right now?

Boyfriend's should not move in. Especially with your 13 year old daughter.

My mom had a boyfriend that moved in when I was 13 and my sister 9. He was there for almost 1 year and then she had to kick his sorry butt out.

It started well and ended badly, very badly. Please get your kid out the middle of your romance by slowing down with boyfriend and asking him to move back out.

A needy boyfriend isn't good dating material anyway in my opinion.

" that isn't fair to him"........How can you love someone dearly who cannot treat a little girl with dignity and respect and expects to "share" you equally with a child? He needs to move out, get his own home, put a ring on your finger, and march you to the courthouse. The message that you are sending to your daughter is that women are the property (and under the control) of men, men are not responsible for their actions, women exist for the purpose of providing comfort and care to men-and this care is more important than the care of a child. If I were your daughter's father, I would petition the court for full custody in order to protect my child. You have a child to parent for a small window of time-don't blow it. You can't fix his childhood, but there is still time to make certain that your daughter's childhood is secure and happy.

He does not sound like he is bringing anything to the table. If he left today what would be different?

You sound like you have a kind heart and took in a grown grandpa aged man (he has adult children) with a dog. Tell him to get a place close to you. If money is the issue, then that could be why he is living with you in the first place.

He should not be giving her the middle finger or calling her a dim wit. If she is lying about it, I'm sorry. It is going to be a tough road since she is only 13. Ages 14-17 are not easier.

edit: you changed your post so my comments were towards the last post.

How long have you been dating him? Can your daughter move in with her father? Is her father dating anyone and if the 'other woman' did any of the things your BF does how would you handle the situation?

Please sit down and -- if you can be this objective -- ask yourself what truly motivated you to rewrite your post entirely so that your boyfriend came off far, far better than in the original post.

The difference between that post and this one is huge, and the fact you felt you had to reword it is very...interesting. Were you afraid that he was coming off too badly? Did you not like the answers you got telling you that his behavior had some huge red flags in it? You certainly edited out those problem behaviors when you rewrote this post.

Please consider what is making you protect him -- possibly at your child's expense. If you feel you have to cover up and protect him among strangers, how much are you excusing his behaviors and covering up for him in your real life outside this forum?

It really sounds like you are living with two immature children that are both very needy. You have to make tough decisions-if your daughter IS you first priority, you need to have the boyfriend find another place to live. He has invaded the space that the two of you (mom and daughter) used to share. Or perhaps go let her live with her dad and then you will be able to focus your attention on her when she is staying with you. You have a responsibility to your 13 year old daughter until she is grown up and ready to be on her own. Since she is developmentally delayed, that responsibility may last a long longer. Teenage years are really tough on some kids and now you have added conflict and uncertainty to her world. You need to put your daughter first!

If you are still reading these responses, please, please for the sake of your daughter and your own well-being, go back and re-read Nervy Girl's response.

Please make a copy of it to carry around with you and read it at least 5 times a day, or more, until it all sinks in and becomes crystal clear for you.

You asked for advice and said "any help is appreciated." Well what NG took the time to share with you is the BEST set of directions you'll ever receive if you want to help your daughter and make a healthy life for yourself. Seriously, take that copy of her response and share it with your therapist and discuss it.

Please, just go back and read it without defense. I promise you, if you take those suggestions to heart and act on them, a year from now, you will be so grateful that you did.

I'm truly wishing the best for your daughter and you.

(P.S., if it helps at all, I am a step-parent to three children I helped raised through childhood and the teen years. I love them with all of my being. They are all young adults now, wonderful, delightful people, and I tell them all the time it has been MY privilege to be part of THEIR lives. That's the difference---a grown, mature person feels grateful to be included in the lives of their step-children---not that the children are somehow in the way. Please think about it).

I'm gonna take this from the perspective of the child (I tend to have a soft spot for children)

I hear a lot of blame towards your daughter and not much on the BF.... even your posts suggest it's ALL her doing ... also, what 13 year old comes up with the term, "Dim Wit" unless someone said that to her. I tend to believe some of what she is saying... I also don't like the idea of blaming a child for whom you say is developmentally delayed and yet, you seem to easily excuse the BF... for whom you have said has problems of his own, yet those are to be more readily dismissed..

Sounds like you mean well in this situation and by no means sound like an awful mom, in fact to the contrary. However, I would ask myself why I am with a boyfriend who is so dependent on you for affection and attention.. this while he knows full well that you do have a daughter whom in some cases may require EXTRA needs.. (which is natural) and therefore, your attention goes to her.

Really, I tend to think it's the BF who is acting childish and in his case, has no excuse in that he, unlike your daughter, is not a child..

In the same way that perhaps your daughter shouldn't dictate your life, nor should your boyfriend... He sounds very insecure... At first it's nice to have someone so dependent on us for their self-esteem (such as your bf) but eventually that will grow old and then you will be left with not only raising your daughter which to raise any child comes with it's own set of ups and downs, but then to have your BF in the mix who doesn't sound very mature... Sounds like you will have your hands full.. Personally, I would reconsider moving in my BF until my daughter is more mature and feels that she has more stability in her life. As it is, she must split her time between mom and dad and that can be so hard on a child..
In as much as you may see her putting you in the middle of the situation.. maybe SHE is the one who feels put in the middle.. not only with you and your bf.. but also between you and her dad.. something to consider..

good luck in whatever you decide to do..

Why can't he move out and you guys can date? Is this a financial decision to combine households?

Your daughter will be grown and out of the house in a blink of an eye, and then you have until death to spend time with your bf. Enjoy her now, in this precious remaining time, and have him move out.

I didn't read your original post but from what I have read it is nothing similar to what is up now.

You talked to her prior to the BF moving in? Did you discuss or tell? Doesn't matter, its NOT WORKING. I don't know how loud to say that to you.

Go to counseling with your daughter - move the BF out. That is what I suggest.

Re-read your first 2 sentences.
There's the problem.
The daughter or the boyfriend has to go!

My mom had her boyfriends live with us...3 years, 4 years, 7 years, and a one who lived for less than a year. Honestly, it was a disaster. Now looking back on it I see my mom usually put what she wanted first in life. She did not make the tough choices to do what was best for her kids. Personally, I think you should still do counseling with your daughter bc that would be very helpful to her. But you should ask your boyfriend to move out...if you date someone let the dating last a few years before considering marriage. Really assess them and if they are father material. Be picky. Put your child first.

So I gather from others that you changed your post and there were a lot of red flags about your boyfriend and the situation between the three of you. I didn't read the original post but I can piece together a basic picture that your boyfriend is not ready to be in a parental role and your daughter is suffering from your choice. But what stood out to me more is that you are not listening to your daughter- she told you she feels neglected. She is telling you she needs to be put first. It would break my heart if my child told me she felt neglected by me. As parents, our needs and wants quite often come after our child's, especially when it comes to something as critical as her emotional well being. You need to put your want for an adult romantic relationship behind what your daughter needs right now. Men will come in to and out of your life and while that can be hard you can mend from that. You don't provide what your daughter is telling you she needs right now and you will cause a break in your relationship with your daughter. One you will not be able to mend. And let me tell you from the other side of that- it will destroy a piece of her that she will never be able to fix.

If your daughter is not comfortable with him there then your boyfriend should get his own place. Your daughter comes first in my opinion. You can have a boyfriend and go to his place when you need to, but if your daughter is uncomfortable with the situation then she isn't ready. She may not want to hurt your feelings and come out and say it, so she is acting out. I think she is obviously trying to show you this isn't working. You can't buy her with pools, and gifts. She said she is feeling neglected, you need to find out why, I don't think she is willing to share you right now. Even if you are spending time with her, she obviously doesn't want him there. Maybe there is a reason you are not seeing. Tell him to get his own place, if he cares about you and her like he claims to he will understand and stick around, if he doesn't then he wasn't meant to be in your life. I was a single mother, and my son NEVER saw a man sleeping in my bed, until I was married to my current husband. Yes, I know old fashioned, but that was what I felt was right. I needed to set the right example for my son, I never wanted him to think less of me, and I would do the same thing today. I don't think it is fair to push this on her, she is acting out for a reason. If you don't want to loose her respect, you need to put her needs first. Just my opinion.

Perhaps you should let her boyfriend move in too, and then all will be fair and equal.

SO based on what other people wrote that you previously wrote
I agree that she cant dictate your life BUT she is a teen and he is acting like a teen.
She needs to heal before you move someone in. If she;s not ready you need to wait a while longer before he moves in. Also he isnt the one you should be considering that with. you pick someone you want your daughter to look up to, to one day marry someone like him, and i';d hope you dont want your daughter marrying a man who curses at your grandkids and acts childish?

I'm sure she;s not inocent and needs to be punnished for her actions but she shouldnt be put in the sittuation youre putting her in

I didn't read the first response and I just browsed through a few of the responses to this question.

What I am getting is that you moved on with a new boyfriend lover and told your daughter that he was moving in. She had no way to respond to your changes. The boyfriend began to want more of your attention and you gave that to him taking away precious time from your daughter. Now he flips her off and calls her a "dimwit".

What you should have done is not have him move in. You should have had him stay in his own place. Your daughter should mean more to you than a few anatomical parts for thrills. Remember your daughter is learning from you what to do as an adult woman. You only have five (5) more years to get her out of your home prepared to care for herself in the real world. Why then are you blowing it worry about your boyfriend not even your husband? Boyfriend can pick up his stuff and move on out and leave you and her alone.

Find your backbone and live on your own with your daughter. It is not necessary to have a man all the time in your way while you raise a daughter. In fact, many step fathers do many things to "step daughters" that are not nice. Think about the red flags that are flaring up. How do you know that he did not proposition her and she declined and that is why he is acting this way? I wouldn't allow a strange man into my daughter's life at this age. At 16 or so may be but not at 13.

She should come first than you than the boyfriend in that order. Flesh out numbers non flesh.

Sorry to be so blunt but what you do now will come back to bite you in the butt later.

the other S.

Kids seem to take to a significant other when they are younger than 10 or older than 18.
The teen years are just tough.
A friend of my Mom's married a widower with 3 kids.
The oldest was ok but the younger 2 (they were 11 and 13 at the time) made her life living heck until they grew up and moved out.
Your boyfriend needs to act like an adult.
Your daughter is the child and you're not done raising her for another 5 years.
You might be ready to move on from your divorce but your daughter isn't and it would be nice if you made finishing raising her a priority.
Raising a child is more than just 9 months of pregnancy and getting through the elementary school years.

I understand moving on, but with the issues at hand, it's probably not the best idea to have a boyfriend move in with you. I think things would definitely be much better with your daughter and yourself if this man had his own place of residence. For that reason, I think you need to own some of the responsibility in this situation.

well. i "was" going to respond until i read that you changed the entire question :/

It sounds like you need to go to family counciling. No she should no dictate your life you a point but remember she was there first not him. She should be your priority. And if her gets jelous of you spending time with her that will not go away on it's own.

I must say, I am very disappointed in this change in your post. I spent time on my original response. Now that you changed your original post, here is what you need to know. You need to go to therapy and figure out what it is you want for your daughter. You are now making it seem as though she is the problem.. She is still a child. YOUR child. This boyfriends sounds incredibly immature. And you sound like you are only thinking of yourself.

As mothers we are there to help raise them to be strong, independent and smart.

If you cannot be honest with yourself about what is going on with your boyfriend this means his immaturity and lack of parenting skills, then in the best interest of your daughter, consider sending her to live with her father. She deserves to be heard and protected.

Any time you bring someone into your home there are going to be adjustments.

You are a parent. You are a mom.

No one can understand what this really means until they have their own child.

Men are different from women. Men that have never been married and have never been a father are not going to totally understand the feelings you have for your child. They just can't. They have not experienced it yet.

Sure they can love your child care about your child, but it is never as intense as you have until the commitment to be married and to be the father is there.

You need to remind your boyfriend, he is not your daughters playmate, or equal. He is YOUR boyfriend. He needs to act like an adult around your daughter. He needs to let you be the parent. He will need to not get down on a teenage level of emotions. He needs to respect this about you and not feel insecure about it.

If he has a problem with your daughter, he needs to let you know. And mom, you need to remember, he may have some valid concerns, so do not flip out because he points out your daughters faults or "needs improvement". Example.. He does not like the way you allow her to talk back to you. Or You allow her to keep the house messy.. or whatever..

Instead you need to remember if he is paying rent or contributing to your life, he also has rights he also cares about you and will be protective of you, even from your daughter.

Whether you all can come together as 3 different people, will unfortunately depend on you.

You let your daughter know she will always be your child. And you accept her, but you also have expectations of her. To be polite. To use her words, not to hurt others, but to express her feelings.
Teach her to say "I feel like.." , "I need...", "How can I " Instead of reactions.

She is at a tough age. Between a little girl and a young woman. Usually this is one of the most important times between a daughter and her father.

He would be teaching her the truth about boys. He would be treating her as a young lady.. and some of the playing around and teasing, would be slowing down a bit as she begins to accept and understand the changes in her body, emotions, power and intelligence.

Make yourself available, spend alone time with her.
Explain to BF that you are not ignoring him during these times, but you are being a mom. He will need to understand you will not always be able to give him all of your attention and always do just what he wants. You all are forming a type of family.. and with children.. this means guiding and helping the children, during this time in your life.

She will only be with you for another 5 years.. Think about that.. You only have 5 more years to teach her to take care of herself, how to speak up for herself.. It is going to fly by.. Do not waste it by living in a tug of war in your home. Communication is a wonderful thing, if you feel like you need some family counseling.. go and find it.

How long has it been since the divorce?

I realize that you may not want to be negative on your time together, but if her own mother doesn't support and guide her and teach her limits and how to respect others, who will? And will you like the way that lesson goes down? I would talk to the therapist about your own parental insecurities and guilt and how you move on and allow her to be her own person and recognize that to be a good mom you also need to take care of yourself.

Sit down and have a real talk with her about how you feel, about her, about your BF, about your life. Talk to her like she is an adult. Explain how happy it would make you if she could try to get along with BF. Also talk with BF, and then maybe all 3 of you could sit together and talk, see if maybe her therapist will mediate.

Wow, so I see you changed your entire post so you could throw your daughter under the bus. Obviously you didn't want any real advice, you just wanted to keep a pair of pants in the house, which apparently you have chosen to do. Your follow up post says the three of you are working on "compromise" but sadly the only person being compromised here is your daughter. As a criminal investigator I see the results everyday of mothers choosing orgasms over protecting their children. You've indicated that your daughter has a therapist, perhaps you ought to explore visiting one as well...ALONE. My advice? Wake up lady and take your head out of the doggone sand.

While I don't think should dictate your relationship, it seems that she is too immature to have a housemate. What you will do when/if you ever get remarried... I don't know.

My suggestion would be for boyfriend to move out and you continue dating with him living somewhere else. This way you are able to enjoy the time you have together.

Great first question(s)! Welcome to Mamapedia. :)

Hi, ES:

1) Do you have a Maryland State Code on Marriage?
In Virginia it states: that only a union between one man and one woman may be a marriage valid in or recognized by this Commonwealth and is political subdivisions.

2) There will not be anyway for them to bond because she has intuition that what you and your bf are doing is not right in the laws of God.

3) My suggestion is to contact your pastor.

4) Your daughter needs to come first, not your bf.

Good luck.
D.

You've gotten a lot of answers, but here's my 2 cents...
If you discussed it with her first, thats great. Although you are an adult and don't need her approval so to speak. I guess it all depends too on how long you have been dating this man, how well they got along before etc
If your boyfriend is treating with respect and love, then she shouldat least try and do the same. but 13 yr olds can be nasty volitile little boogers. hormonal, opinionated etc.
You can try explaining that you care deeply about her and she is number one, but this man makes you happy and that you deserve aspect of life too. good luck!