How to Deal with My Father the Alcoholic? Sort of Long.

Oh boy. I think you need to decide with your husband what you think is the best thing to do. I hope your husband will understand that your dad was mainly acting out when he said what he did. If your husband is going to get very hurt just by hearing the story, well, you already have your answer.

I say this because you cannot protect your husband from your dad's drinking. (Of course, you can protect your kids from it, that's different).

It seems like your dad likes to hurt others when he is hurting. You need to set boundaries revolving around that. Your dad should learn that some behavior is unacceptable to you and your family. It doesn't matter if he is drunk when he says or does inappropriate things. He still should have to deal with consequences.

Also, if you feel you cant handle getting into details there is nothing wrong with telling your dad that you have to bow out of dinner and you are sorry ( no other explanation). At least then you will have protected the sanity of your immediate family. You will probably have other chances to deal with the issue of your dad's acting out and can give yourself some time to prepare how to handle them.

Sorry you have to deal with this. it is a tough situation.

Oh and in reference to your "what happened" comment. That is a classic situation, the alcoholic taking focus off himself and his poor behavior and putting it on someone else. It doesn't matter if what he says has a grain of truth, what matters is how you handle your boundaries. Did he cross a line? You need to draw the line. Do you need to talk to your husband about discipline and the kids? That is a separate issue. I think you might benefit from Alanon meetings or literature. Best wishes.

Your Dad sounds just like my ex-husband....and you sound just like I did for all the years of my marriage, making excuses for his behavior....your Dad is sick, you CAN point this out to him but you CANNOT fix him, you can only live your life the way YOU see fit. YOUR kids, YOUR husband, not his. Tell your husband exactly what you just told us....tell your father you will not come if he is not sober, that's it.

Go, but tell your father you will not stay if he is drunk. People say things they would not normally say when they are under the influence. You do have the right to tell your father that you do not want to hear it, and to keep his opinions to himself. If he cannot behave, you and your family will leave. I believe it is important to stand up for your husband, but you don't need to create a bad situation between your husband and your father by telling him your dad was badmouthing him while he was drunk. I would just consider the source, and blow it off. If he does this to your husband, to his face, then tell him to knock it off, or you and your family will leave.

I will call your dad and I will tell him:
"Dad, I really want to see you, but my husband is coming along, and I will not accept you being mean to him, specially in front of your grandkids. You think we can make this work? Thanks dad, I love you.
If when you go there he doesn't behave I would leave ASAP.
Good luck.

B. ~
You need to step back and give yourself some distance. Maybe go to some Alanon meetings. Your dad is an alcoholic and you can't change that. Do some research about adult children of alcoholics, you'll be surprised at what you learn about yourself. His drinking has affected you way more than what you realize. You need to tell your dad that you and your family will not be spending time with him as long as he's drinking. It's not a part of your life and you don't want your children around it. Yes, it's sad to not have that relationship. However, not having that relationship is healthier than having one with an alcoholic. You are being hurt alot more that what you realize. You can tell your dad that you want him to stop drinking so that he lives a longer, healthier life. That you want him to go to AA. But you can't make him go. Why does it matter what he thinks about how your husband does or doesn't discipline your children? They're your children, not his. It's a different day and age. Do not let him put doubt in your head. If you do go see him, absolutely take your husband! He's an adult, he can stand up for himself. Let your dad know that talking about your husband that way is unacceptable.

You do not need this in your life.
Read this book: Adult Children of Alcoholics, by Janet Woititz

D. (a survivor!)

B.,
Sweetie,
STOP.
He's doing a classic alcoholic manipulation on you.
This (and these) are HIS problems. Not yours.
I am the adult child of an alcoholic, so I have walked this road.
That's what addicts do. They make THEIR problems YOUR problems.
When you walked into his house, you didn't HAVE any problems, right?
All of a sudden, once you've left his house, you are questioning your marriage, your husband, your husband's parenting decisions and your life!
Seriuously? ?????????? Stop!
Don't but what he's selling because it is a certain path to insanity. HIS insanity.
Your father has disrespected you. No WAY in hell would I take my kids and husband to his house for his birthday/dinner. Mail him a card. The day after his birthday call him and set up some BOUNDARIES for your relationship. Example: If you ever speak to me about me or about my husband in a disrespectful way again, I (we) will leave immediately.
Dear, this is HIS problem. Don't let it be your problem. Go to Alanon ASAP and your eyes will really be opened to the manipulation tactics and world of insanity of addicts. You've lived in it so long, you're not seeing it clearly anymore. Best of luck!

Skip on saying anything to him about AA - it will go in one ear and out the other. Take care of you and your kids. Get to an Alanon meeting ASAP. (I know from personal experience - I am an Alcoholic - I have been sober for 6 years). Here is the Alanon website for Michigan: http://www.usrecovery.info/Al-Anon/Michigan.htm

All the best,
J.

Does your husband not discipline at all? Personally, I'd be bothered by the "disciplining the way a MAN would". What does he want your husband to do? Beat your children? That sounds like something my dad would and has said. I haven't talked to him in over 2 years now BTW. :-|

My MIL is an alcoholic as well and has been for as long as my husband can remember. The last time there was a huge confrontation because of her drinking was when all the "kids" were visiting with their children. After the trip, my SIL wrote her a letter telling her that she was not allowed to drink when she was going to be around her children anymore and that if she did, it would be the last time she saw them. Ever since, you can sometimes tell that maybe she has taken a drink before getting to one of our homes but you can tell she isn't "drunk".

I know some people may disagree with telling our parents how to behave but we have to protect our children. Your boys don't need to hear your father talking to you that way - not about you and not about your husband. Trust me, my grandmother was like that about my parents and that was withOUT drinking. As I got older, it greatly affected my relationship with her. As sad as it is, I came to see her as a mean lady who I very much limited my time around because I couldn't stand how she treated my mother and I refused to let my children see my mom be treated that way.

I totally agree w/ Mikelle you have to stand your ground and let him you!!Tell him you DO NOT want your boys to she him like that EVER AGAIN!! I had a uncle that way and I couldn't handle it most of the time when I was by myself. But if I had my girls w/ and he was around like that we packed up and left w/o saying bye to everyone. I didn't let NO grass grow uder my feet. My girls have never seen my hubby & I drunk and I was damn sure I was not going to let them see him.

Tell your husband you don't want your kids around your alcoholic father because his conversation and actions are innappropriate. Tell your father the same thing; don't let it affect your marriage. If you have issues with your husband and his parenting, talk with him about it if you need to, not because your father has an issue with it. Then go join an Al-Anon group so you can understand your father's problem, understand you can still love him but that you don't have to have his problem affect you, your children or family life. Your father has to make his own decision to get help.