My 18-year-old daughter was invited on a weekend trip to celebrate a friend's birthday. Both she and I assumed each kid would cover their own costs. Then the birthday boy's mother booked both the bus to the city and the hostel they are staying at. While it was a wonderfully generous thing to do, both my daughter and I feel uncomfortable about her not paying her own way, at least in part. How can I best approach this mom? I don't want her to feel insulted that I'm implying she can't cover the cost herself (though from what my daughter has seen it is a real stretch). *edit* I should have been clearer: she booked and paid for the bus and the hostel and doesn't plan to ask for reimbursement, according to my daughter, who didn't know how to handle the whole situation.*
Thanks for all your ideas. The trip went well and my daughter clarified as best she could with the birthday boy. He was quite adamant that he didn't want either of us to ask his mother what we could contribute to the trip, as he was scared she would be angry. Neither I or my daughter knows her, so we went with his wishes, and she paid for the museums, food, and little keepsakes while they were there and will write a thank-you card.
You should be direct and grateful. "Thank you so much for inviting my daughter on this trip. Could you please let me know what we owe for the trip?" Or do you have a set amount that you are willing to part with?
It's perfectly normal for a party host to pay for the party they are hosting, in this case a trip. How fun! I would just make sure your daughter has some spending money and encourage her to treat the birthday boy to a nice dinner or something while they're out and about.
Your daughter is 18 and needs to handle this herself. I think she has 2 choices: 1) Ask directly if she can contribute to her share of the expenses, or bring something for meals (are they prepping their own or are meals provided?), or 2) Buy the friend something nice for his birthday and be prepared to perhaps treat him to a coffee while they are there for the whole weekend.
Although she's 18, I'd be curious (and would at least encourage her to ask) about the activities planned for an entire weekend. That can be handled with a simple "What are the plans so I know what kinds of clothes and other items to pack? Can I help by bringing things for the group?"
once you go down the slippery slope of trying to guess what's *really* meant you go off a cliff.
offer to contribute, and if she is firm that it's something she wants to do, be gracious and thank her and let it go.
'marymae, annalouise is so excited about the trip to the city! we'd like to contribute $200 to the overall cost. oh, you've got the bus and hostel covered? you're awesome! thank you SO much! well, then i've got the food and museum tickets, right?'
but don't press beyond that.
at 18 it would actually be ideal for your daughter to handle it.
khairete
S.
If I invite someone somewhere, I fully intend to cover all expenses.
We have an only child and we took many Spring Break trips which involved bringing a friend for daughter and we paid 100% of the expenses. All the friend did was pay for any souveniers (sp).
On a couple of occasions, the friend attending wanted to pay for our dinner one night.
Again, I invite = I pay
Don't assume that paying for this trip is a "real stretch". The other mom may have received birthday money from a grandparent for this trip, or they simply may live in what appears to be a frugal way in order to afford special treats like this.
I think that the best lesson your daughter can learn here is to graciously accept a gift (in this case, the bus and hostel accommodations) and not to speculate about other people's finances. Make sure she has some spending money to chip in for meals or museum admission tickets or movie tickets over the weekend, and encourage her to write a nice thank-you card when she gets home.
My first thought when you said the bus and hostel were booked, was that booked does not mean costs are covered.
I often book my family's travel plans (as do many of my friends for their families) and then you get reinbursed, or you just pay once you arrive. It's so you block off a chunk of tickets at once so you're all together and it's organized.
I like Suz's suggestion of not making assumptions. Just clarify, or better yet have your daughter clarify plans where she's 18. She's an adult. If she's old enough to travel to a different city, then she could just contact her friend and ask. A simple "Just checking to see what the plan is as far as when payment needs to be made" etc. that's vague but starts the conversation is a polite way to get it started.
Then a gracious 'thank you' is all that's needed. Accept the gift and cover everything else and a lovely gift (money, or whatever the birthday boy needs) would be great.
Saw your ETA - I'm guessing this is just the two kids going? (I think I read this wrong to begin with, I though it was a group going). All she has to do is say thank you and pay her costs for meals etc. Your daughter could treat the boy to a dinner out - that would be nice. Our child has done that when traveling with families for tournaments. Nice gesture.
S.
When I invite someone somewhere? I typically pay unless otherwise stated.
Your daughter is a legal adult. She needs to advocate for herself and tell the mom herself she'd like to contribute.
I would insist on reimbursing or having your daughter paying her own way, and if she politely declines, I would gracefully appreciate her desire to cover the expenses. Maybe you can return the favor by taking them out to lunch or something, to show your appreciation for the payment of expenses.
Your daughter is 18 - let her handle it.
Either she'll get comfortable with the situation as it is or she'll cover the cost of sight seeing and/or meals.
What's the fear here?
You think your daughter will 'pay' her way or reimburse him with sex?
If they are that friendly already they can do that with or without a trip.
Yes your daughter is 18 but I'm assuming she's still in HS? If so then I do think you probably need to guide her a bit. Maybe you can have your daughter send a group text to the mom and you saying she's really excited and would like to talk about how best to pay her part. I agree that you need to be gracious and not assume. I do think it's reasonable to expect to pay something and that it might not all be covered but I also think it's not uncommon to pay for someone you invite on a trip. Is it just her going or is it a group? If it's just her then the birthday mom paying is not that surprising, if it's a group, that is something different.
I totally agree with Diane. Your daughter needs to handle this, she is a young adult, beyond the age of "moms working things out together" If she doesn't know what to do, I'd advise her to ask the mom who booked the trip in person and directly, "Thank you for inviting me and for making the reservations, how much do I owe you?" Now, being that they did invite her, there's a better than average chance the mom will tell her she owe's nothing because she is their invited guest, they are treating. In which case, she can just thank her graciously and offer a nice token of appreciation later such as offering to pay for a meal during the weekend, or sending a small thank you gift and note afterwards. If the mom gives her a dollar amount, she will have to come up with the money or perhaps borrow from you and pay you back in this case if she doesn't have the money herself. Going forward, she should ask upfront when invited to travel with someone how they would like to split up the costs, and she can get an idea beforehand of what kind of money she needs to commit before she accepts inclusion on plans. If she's too shy to speak up, I still would not do it for her. It will come up eventually, and it's a good life lesson in relationships with other people.
