How to Adjust to Going Back to Work?

Every man is the man of my dreams after a couple of months. It's after 1 year or so that I then realize if he is really the man of my dreams.

I'm so happy for you that you're in a relationship that you want for the rest of your life!! It's such a wonderful feeling! If it were only you, I'd say, "Go for it!" But you have 2 little guys who have to go with your flow . . .

You clearly have some doubts if you're asking for help in this decision so trust your instincts that brought you here. Since you only say you "just" got into this relationship, what's the rush? When your children are involved, and every decision you make ultimately affects them, I recommend you wait at least 6 more months. Right now, and probably even 6 months from now, you'll still be in the honeymoon phase and life will smell like roses from sun up to sunset. But it certainly gives more time to evaluate the situation and make a more informed decision for the sake of your boys.

And, while it's probably not the popular choice, I'd also wait at least that long before living together, if you plan to do that before marriage. No, I'm not saying "thou shalt not . . ."; I'm saying it's not fair to the boys to let them get dependent on this man being there morning, noon and night and then in 3 months, you learn something significant that would change your mind about him. If you plan to love him for the rest of your life, give more of your life to "researching" this decision.

I truly hope he is the man of your sweetest dreams and proves it for the rest of your lives! Please just remember your decisions are felt by 2 little ones, too. Enjoy dating!! Let the other stuff come slowly!! Believe me, the wait is worth it and shows your children a beautiful, responsible example.

D.

I have two experiences to offer you on this. The first is about my 2nd son's biological father. We met, we dated, we fell madly and passionately in love, he asked me to marry him, I got pregnant, I moved in with him - all in 3 months' time! He already had a daughter whom I ended up spending a LOT of time with and he & my then 4 year old son really got along well. It all seemed perfect! He always said he really wanted a big family, etc. Not long after we moved in together, he started staying out late and spending a lot of time away from home. Then one night he didn't come home. He never called me at home or at work. I never heard from him again. I ended up moving out of his place (as the sheriff came to serve eviction papers), taking a TON of his stuff (washer/dryer, bedroom furniture, etc.) and have only ever seen him once, about 18 months later - and that was to have him sign a termination of parental rights form. He has NEVER once seen my son. I didn't put him on the birth certificate or give my son his last name. The man has now gone on to have FIVE other children - three of them to three different mothers, the last two to his wife of 4 years. So he has 7 kids to 6 different mothers! So, my advice after this experience is to be careful!!!

My second experience was in meeting a man whom I'd known since elementary school but not seen in 10+ years. From the first minute I saw him, he absolutely took my breath away! But I knew he was in a relationship and I did nothing other than be polite and friendly (his sister and I were friends, so he was often at her house while I was there). One night, he called me to announce he was single. I asked why he wanted me to know and he said he wanted to go out with me. I was extremely leary b/c he was coming out of a relationship, so we had a "phone relationship" for several weeks. I wouldn't even allow him to come to my house! We spent 3-5 hours each night on the phone. I wanted to KNOW him before letting my kids even know that mommy might have a boyfriend. Well, once I trusted him enough, I let him come over and we had a great time (just talking and hanging out) - when he was leaving, we had the awkward moment at the door, so I went to hug him... which he turned into a kiss (he still blames me! LOL). That was it. I had a vision of being with him for the rest of my life. He felt like home to me. I could honestly see being with him until we were very old and gray, I could easily envision watching our children grow up together and life after they were adults. For my birthday that year, he not only proposed, but gave me a ring (the other old boyfriend only asked me, he didn't give me a ring) - that was 3 months after we entered the relationship. I moved in with him when the lease on my apartment was up 4 months after we started dating. We were married 14 months later and are coming up on our 5 year anniversary since we started dating.

So, be careful, go with your best instinct - if there are red flags in your heart, do not ignore them!!! But if it feels right, it could very well be right! Best of luck!!

HI T. WELL HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DATING HIM? DO THE BOYS LOVE HIM? IS HE SURE HES READY FOR A FAMILY? JUST A FEW OF THE QUESTIONS I WOULD ASK MYSELF. IF YOU HAVE BEEN WITHH HIM AWHILE THEN ID SAY YES IF THIS IS A NEW RELATIONSHIP THEN I WOULD WAIT TO MAKE SURE. GOOD LUCK STEPH

Run. Run. Run. Run. Run. No way should a man be asking you to marry him when you've known each other less than a year. You've known each other for what, eight or nine weeks? Things may be great now. If he is really the man of your dreams then after you've gotten a chance to know him, he'll still be the man of your dreams. But after a couple of months, there is absolutely no way to know that. And it's too soon. Even if it's a long engagement, it's still too soon. The fact that he's asking you to marry him this soon doesn't mean he recognizes that you are soul mates, it signals a potential problem with insecurity on his part.

If you really must stay with him, then tell him that the two of you should revisit this issue after your first anniversary.

And, don't let him adopt your children until after you've been married for some time. Because the first year of marriage unavoidably involves an adjustment period, and you don't offer to become the fathers of two children of a woman you barely know unless the guy wants to use the fact that he's their adoptive father as grounds for control of you.

Remember, once he's their adoptive father, he has the same rights the bio-dads do. It's even possible for him to seek sole custody of them against you.

How long have you been together? Can you see yourself with him for the rest of your life? 6 years ago I met my husband, i knew from the start, we like to have fun i had a child he didnt he adpoted him now we have 3 more, you have to know that you can trust him with your life and for him the same, I know you will make the right decision, only GOD knows what is right for you. The wedding is not til May you can see how it goes then you have time to see if this is going to work for you, if you need anymore advicwe let me know. Always remember there are good days and bad days love the bad days more you will learn to appreciate each other more, no matter how mad you get never call names, you cant take it back. I am at ____@____.com

T., I just wanted to say that although getting married is ultimately what almost every woman wants, waiting for the right person is the best way to go about it. What's the rush? It seems as if he's the one who's in a rush, and you might want to find out the reason for that. Maybe he's just in a hurry to be happy, but marrying someone you just met is a bad idea. My mother just married a man she only knew for six months,(again) and they only stayed together for six months after that. I'm not saying that you should never marry this man. He just might be Prince Charming. But what if he's not? I firmly believe that you truly don't know what a man is really like until you've lived with him for at least two years. Only then will you know whether you could be with him for the rest of your life. And you probably don't need me to tell you this, but it could be hard on your children if he's not the right man and you've married him and made him your children's stepfather. Please just take your time and get to know this man before you give him everything that is precious to you.

go with your heart and guts and fromm what you said he is willing to adopt your kides then thats great hey girl not to many good guys out they say "yes" to him a have a wonder ful marriage and injoy life as it comes.

I am a stay at home mom and I am 24 years old married to my best friend and he is 34 and he also is a marine and all and we will be married 2 years on june 18th and all and we have a 13month old and having are babygirl tommorw by ce-section and all so we are very happy and truly blessed and all.

I hope you say yes don't let it slip by you and all he sound like he would treat you write

good luck
A.

If you love him, say yes. If you don't think you would be ready in May 2008, tell him you want to move back the date of the wedding and have a longer engagement to allow your children to really get to know him and for him to really get to know them and all that goes in to raising them. Tell him you want the longer engagement to be sure everything is right for both him and your children. Honestly, if it is not right for all of you, you won't be happy. So, if it were me and I loved him, I would say yes but hold off on setting a definite wedding date until you are sure it will work for all of you. The most important thing is that you are honest with him. If he can't understand your apprehensions, perhaps he is not the man you truly believe him to be. If he loves you, he will understand and be patient. Good luck and best wishes.

I suggest following your heart. I moved in with my husband a month after we met, got engaged 3 months later, and were married a year later. We have been married 3 1/2 years now and are very happy. I knew after a few weeks of dating he was my soulmate. Not to offend anyone, but I think age plays a factor to. If a person is older they have had many life experiences and know what they are looking for. If you are questioning whether you are ready or not maybe it means you need some time to decide. No matter what, don't feel pressured to make a decision right away if you have doubts. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.

Ohhh T., I am so glad I read your help quest. Let me tell you about myself. I am almost 38, was married for 12 yrs, not a good one mostly. I had four children when I asked him to move out and got a div. I met my now boyfriend. He is never married and no children of his own. He just turned 32. I was so scared about the what if's...I tried to run him off many times. He wouldnt budge. My family was struck with trag. and I needed to adopt my 3 neices asap, he never blinked, and we did it together after him just moving in with me 3 months before. That was a year ago in Oct...On APRIL 14th this year he and I will be married. I dont think I have ever been so happy in my life. He is wonderful to me, to the children...Funny he told me he had been looking for US/Me for a long time and he finally found me. All my worries and reser. just melted away.
My point...so I say to you if you love him, if he loves you boys like his own and wants to be a family go for it. I think it is wonderful that he wants to adopt your boys...and I wish you the best of luck....

I think its a little fast, especially if you want advice. I agree that if you need to ask if you should say yes, then the answer should be no. Just for now. Date a little longer. You want to make sure this is the best thing for you.... and for your children. And if you do decide to say yes right now, maybe plan for a long engagement. He may be the man of your dreams, but things always change once you get married. Also be sure to talk about it with your older son. He is old enough to understand that he will be getting a new daddy.

I've been married twice. I know that isn't the best track record for giving marriage advice, however, I've learned from my mistakes from my first. As I hope you may have too.

Don't "settle" for a guy simply because he asked you to marry him. If he's THE one, you will know it. Hun, it sounds like you don't know he's the one yet. It is rather quick, but you've been thru this before also.

I wish I had handy the journal post my CURRENT husband made that made me CERTAIN he was THE one for me. It was beautiful!!

Respect for you and your thoughts. Regardless of what it's about. REALLY listens, not just be quite while you talk and then go on as if you had said nothing of importance.
Treats you like a QUEEN! Day in, day out. In public and in Private. Includes your children in outings. Will be with you and them for 'every day' days.
There are topics that you MUST agree upon. Religion is one as well as 'more' children as well as disipline of your current children. Politics? Not really. Two can disagree on that and still be happy together. But respect is the BIG thing. He must respect your right to the opinion you have and so should you.

I doubt I've said anything that others haven't already said. I wish you the BEST in whatever you choose to do.

I truly believe that is it too soon for you to get married because it is a "fresh" relationship. Your boyfriend needs more time to form a bond with your 2 boys and you!!! I wouldn't rush into things and if this relationship is meant to be he will wait until you feel comfortable about marraige without ANY doubts. You will know when the time is right to be married and that will be a much more suited time to accept his ring. However, only you can decide if the time is right to accept his proposal and to know if he is a good fit for your family!

you are the only one who can answer this question for sure. you have to look deep into your heart and make sure you do whats best for you and your boys. with that said, i must admit, i married my husband after knowing him only 4 months and it has been the best decision of my life. of course we have our ups and downs especially with a new baby for us to get used to, but i wouldnt change anything in the world. my suggestion is to just make sure you know your feelings are true and you arent getting caught up in the moment. if he is the one there is no doubt you will know. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

I think it is great you have found such a great guy! Do you want to marry him for YOU or for your kids? Make sure you are doing this for the right reasons because beinging your kids into this is a BIG step. I would think about him adopting them and if this is something you want I would not do it till after you are married. Best of luck and congrats!

If he is good to you, good to your boys and they like him (and if you like him) I say go for it! Since you already know if would be in May of 2008, you have obviously thought about it already.

I got married last June and planned the wedding myself, if you decided to get married and want any help with planning, I would be more than happy to help you!

Good luck with whatever you decide!

Hi there -- You say you are in a new relationship for a "couple of months." It sounds like you have a great guy and it is teriffic that he is good with your children. However, because it is a relatively new relationship, you are wise to plan a lengthy engagement. Use this time to see how his relationship with your sons continues to develop. Just because you said "yes" doesn't mean you have to decide immediately the adoption question. I hope it all works out, and remember, if you are sensible enough to ask this question, then you are equally smart to take your time giving him an answer!!! Good luck!!!

Hi T. - I want to recommend a book to you...Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. This is a book that EVERY single woman should read before taking that BIG step into marriage. It's very informative & I hope it helps you with your decision. Warmest regards, G.

TRUST your gut on this one. I married my husband on the 4th date at a courthouse and couldn't be happier.

Hi T.:

I think it would be a good thing for you to consider marrying him, however it's only been a couple months. If everything is going well, meaning he treats your children well, they do things together and they like one another that is a good thing. I am a step mother and I think everyone goes into these situations with their own expectations. In my own case there were two children a boy and girl, but there mother was still very much in the picture which for me is hard to deal with. However you are saying he will be the dad figure and you won't have that pull back and forth between two households and you both will be caring for and making the decisions for your children.

I think you should be very careful and sure that you agree what his role as the parent will be and make sure he is caring and wants to be involved and keep your eyes opened to anything you don't think is right going on between him and the children. I think it is great he wants to accept responsiblity for someone else's children but you have to understand it may be difficult to deal with the children on certain situation because they are not his unless he is just a great person and loves kids.

If you think he's great waiting a couple more months to get married won't hurt. This will give you time to watch him and discuss whatever problems do come up and you can see how things are going. If it's meant to be he'll still be there no matter how long it takes. good luck!!!!!!

How "fresh" is your relationship, a few months??? I am with a man that is amazing and treats my son as if he were his own, he doesn't any children of his own. The only issues I fore see in this kind of a situation are: Have you discussed whether you want to have more children and does he,and how do your children feel about this man, and is the father of your children not around that your new boyfriend would adopt them? But over all go with your heart if you are in love and he is good to you and your children go for it!!! Congrats and Good Luck!!

My personal feeling is that if you have to ask if you should yes, you should say no. When it's right, you don't need to ask, you just know.

My husband and I dated for 2 months before we got engaged and there was no doubt in my mind that I was doing the right thing. We had a 14 month engagement and I constantly had people asking me if I was sure I wanted to marry him since we dated for such a short time. And every time my answer was yes. We are coming up on our 5th anniversary this year and I have no regrets. I never would have done it any differently.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Trust your gut instincts!

Whatever you do, don't rush. You have to be sure that this is good not just for but for your boys as well. If he has no children, he may not be fully aware of what it is like to live with and care for children on a daily basis. Take your time in the relationship. If he is really serious, he will be willing to take his time with you and the boys. He'll have his whole life.

I was in the same situation 1 1/2 ago. My husbadn and i were together for 5 months before we got married. As long as he treats your kids good and you are all happy then go for it. I did and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. So hun if your heart is saying yes then do it. Go with your heart.

How 'fresh' is your relationship? If you two have known each other for years and are getting into a relationship, then if your heart says go for it, go for it. If you just met then started dating, it might be wiser to wait a while before giving the plans a go ahead. Another thing to consider is...are either of you fresh out of a relationship? If so, it would definitely be wiser to wait. If he is willing to adopt your children, is it because their father is no longer in the picture? Sometimes adoptions like this pose problems if a father is still somewhat in (and then out)of thier lives. My father did this with my step brothers, so I've seen it. Regardless of whether you go the adoption route or not, tread cautiously. Also, because of the adoption issue, it might be better to wait on the marraige. I say this because if he is able to adopt them becauise their father is not in the picture, if you two were to seperate,it can be uniquely devastating on them (my father and his wife divorced) if it is a biter seperation.
With all that in mind, and once you think those things through, if you feel somewhere inside you that you want to marry this man and have him adopt your children, then by all means go for it.
I am not trying to disagree with you. it is muchto the contrary. What I mean by that is if you do your part and think through everything and still feel you should go through with it, then it will feel twice as good because you will have fewer worries. I personally said yes to my now husband . He bought my ring 3 weeks after we started dating and proposed three months into the relationship, so I by fa r am not one to tell you not to do it. We just waited on the wedding plans until certain things were in place.
I wish you the best of luck. If this man is as good as you say he is, then your children are very lucky as well!

T.,
I don't know how long you have been dating but I would say make sure you give it a few months before accepting. The fact that he is willing to adopt your two boys however tells me he is serious about you and your family. Make sure he is legit with these feelings though. Also go with your gut instinct, is he the right one? Do you know this but are just trying to be safe about things? I believe in love at first sight and this may be Mr. Right. Good luck! S.