How to Address Adults

I agree with Tonya C.

Mr and Mrs "Jones". It sets the bar abit higher and establishes respect and authority.

I am old. I don't like for children to call me by my first name, with or without a Miss. Formal or not, calling adults by the appropriate Mrs, Miss, Mr and last name is a sign of respect, and I have always insisted on it with my children, unless the adult themselves asks the child to do otherwise. I also expect them to say Ma'am and Sir. I think it is good for children to know that they are not little adults, they are children.

M.

I think it is more respectful for kids to address their elders with Mr./Mrs. It just doesn't sound right when a young child calls an adult by their first name.
Kid's are not at the same level as adults - there is a hierarchy that's needs to be respected.

I've not read most of the responses, so I'm sorry if this is a repeat. In our family, our children call all adults (not family) by Mr. and M.. Lastname. Even friends. It shows respect and boundaries. They are not to be disrespectful to adults. They call our cousins by their first names. Aunts/Uncles by title. We don't use "Miss Firstname" for anyone because it isn't what we want for them. If someone questions the name they call them and corrects the children (No, call me Susie!), we tell them that we require them to use the last name. End of discussion. They are our children and we will set their boundaries, not strangers outside of our family. I think this first name thing is a sign of rebellion. Yes, rebellion from the parents to their parents. Most of my generation was raised to call all adults by the last name. Then, the respect for authority was challenged and put aside. Now we have sassy kids who don't respect adults. But, they will call people they truly respect by the last name. You won't see kids calling their teachers by their first name (I'm not talking about preschool). This is because of the line of respect. Anyway, that's my take on it.

This is fascinating to me. Most of the children I know (through my preschool and socially) all call me by my first name, and my three-year-old son addresses adults by their first name. Perhaps we are hippies (ha) but I don't know anyone that wants to go by Miss or Mister; in fact, most of my friends would be a bit offended if I pushed it, because they like the familiarity. We have both honorary and blood-relative Aunties and a few Uncles, who are all addressed with that title, as well as grandparents by their pet names (Mae Mae, Poppa, Gran and Grandpa)

I do understand that there are times that he will need to address others with a title before their names. We do this at the doctors, and I'm sure we'll do this at his elementary school. His preschool, however, also uses just first names for the teachers. Perhaps it's a more relaxed west-coast thing--who knows? That said, if I could tell it mattered to someone (an elder or an unfamiliar person), I'd have no problem asking my son to use a title.

This is a good question and I enjoyed reading your responses. I think this is a common struggle and I have been wondering about it lately too. I think before I had kids I would have absolutely said they should refer to people by Mr. and Mrs. Last Name, but now that my kids are here and talking (well at least one talks anyway!), it's a different story. I think they just picked up that I call my friends by their first name and that's what my daughter uses. At first it didn't matter to me, but then I got thinking that maybe it wasn't a good pattern to start. So, I started adding Ms./Miss and Mr. First Name. I think the Mr. does sound kinda silly, but I only think it does b/c it isn't used very often. I think that the whole Miss First Name started in places like day care and preschools where they try and be a more casual day-to-day level with kids, and most of those people are women, so I really just think it sounds funny b/c Mr. just isn't used as often. My kid doesn't think it's weird when I tell her to use it, so why do I?? I do agree with you though about getting to school age and then starting to call parents by their last name.

I do think though that whatever you tell your kids to call someone they should call them. If the person says oh no that's too formal maybe you could just say that you've been practicing good manners and you prefer your child refers to them that way, and that you hope it's okay with them and thanks for helping...or something along those lines.

Also, in terms of family...we just call everyone Aunt or Uncle so and so unless they are my kids first cousins, then of course they just go by their first names. But my cousins and my husbands cousins are actually Aunt/Uncle, even though they're really not. I feel it bridges the gap nicely.

I like when kids use Miss and Mr. First Name when they know the adults well. Anything less sounds disrespectful to my ears because of how I was raised. I know that the child's behavior is the real indicator of respect, but introducing the adult as Miss So and So sets your child up to respect that person. For example, we called our babysitters Miss, even though they were teens, because we were expected to mind them and their rules while our parents were gone.
That said, each parent gets to choose how they'll teach their child respect. I don't "correct" a child for calling me by my first name alone if they are otherwise polite. Nor do I ask them to change to Miss B., though I prefer it and introduce myself to kids that way. I also don't ask them to change if their parents for some reason want them to use Mrs. Reilly.
When you ask a child who has been taught to use a formal title to just call you by your first name, you make them very uncomfortable. You're asking them to break rules and be disrespectful. I'm surprised at how many moms say that they put kids in that position just because the moms don't want to feel old! Let go of the vanity! We're ancient in our kids' eyes. They are terrible at guessing adults' ages! And who cares whether kids think you are 33 or 53 as long as they are behaving respectfully?

I think if someone tells you or your kids that they want to be called by their first name, even if you don't want them to, is respecting that persons wishes. Therefore showing respect to that person. I can't stand to be called Mrs. Last name (in my eyes that is my MIL, not me). I think Miss my first name sounds silly. I also do not want to be called ma'am...what am I 85? I want to be called by my first name no matter the age of the child. As for extended family, I think first names are fine.

I have always preferred Mr. / Ms Lastname and taught all my kids to do that for decades.
But it's an uphill battle!! Almost everyone else's kids use Mr./ Ms. First name. I think that is WEIRD and do not have the faintest idea WHO STARTED THAT! Who thought that was a good idea??? Letting kids use first names!!
Don't like it...but we have told our kids how we expect them to address adults. Period.

This is an interesting question.
I was raised to always call adults Mr. or Mrs. Semi-familiarity called for a Miss Eva (first name), but men were always Mr. I raised my kids the same way.
We do have neighbors that consider us family and my kids are on a first name basis with them in conversation with them, but they refer to them as Mr. or Mrs. if talking about them to someone else.
Immediate relatives are always referred to by Aunt or Uncle then the name, but cousins aren't always so formal, at least in our family. When the kids are really little, they refer that way but sometimes it's a matter of them knowing who is who in the family. As the kids get older, they don't say cousin Lori or whatever name. Just the name.
I have friends who are teachers and even though I refer to them by their first names, when talking with a child about them, it's always Miss or Mrs. Blah-blah.
I work in a skilled nursing and rehabilitation hospital and I always refer to residents as Mr or Mrs. even to the nurses. "We received new pharmacy orders for Mrs. Smith." Some of the residents prefer being called by their first names only, but I have found that most appreciate the respect of the formality.

I did have some neighbors that told my kids to call them by their first names, but I simply told my neighbors that my kids would do as I'd taught them out of respect and manners. We were not close with these people as far as being friends or having mutual gatherings and my kids would say, "Hello Mr. Blah-blah." I didn't even refer to him as Bob, which was actually his first name.
I think starting out with the mannerly way is best and when you have a certain familiarity with people, you and your children get it figured out what's comfortable.
I just know you can never go wrong with manners and I hate to say it, but many parents don't always teach etiquette when it comes to certain things.

Start out with the formalities and work it out from there.
Just my opinion.

Best wishes!

I personally think the Miss and Mr plus the first name sounds silly. My husband doesn't necessarily agree with me, but most of my friends too.

I always introduce my friends, coworkers, etc to my children with just their first name. If it is an elderly person I may do Mrs. or Mr. and their last name, but every time the person has said to me to use their first name only.

we do the miss and mr firstname, it seems fine.

I totally know what you mean. My children were told to call friends' parents Mr and Mrs last name but two sets of parents keep correcting them and constantly tell them to call them Karen or Marc. My son's best friend's mom recently remarried, she and I are close, also. My son said goodbye firstname to the new husband, one evening, and he got cross and said to my husband and I that children shouldn't call adults by their first names. I was a bit offended because I didn't think it was his place to say that to us and he could have gently said to my son to call him uncle firstname, instead, since he was bestfriend's new dad, now. Was I wrong to be offended by his comment?

How did you address adults when you were a child? Aunt Bessie, Uncle Mack-usually cousins of your parents would have been uncle and aunt since they were family, not formal strangers. Some more distant adults were probably Mr and Mrs.
Some people we know around town are Mr and Ms This or that, but some of our friends or neighborhood people like their first names used. Our daughter's daycare people use their first names with the kids, but Mr Green is a teacher who sometimes comes in. Just go with the flow. Manners are in how your children behave more than making people's titles formal. Relying on what other people want to be called helps. If they're form the south, maybe they want to be called Ms Firstname! Actually, our Tennessee cousins call me Ms A. and I think its cute in a regional Civil War sort of way, but it would be a bit much to expect my kids to do it when no one else does around here...It's polite to call people what they want to be called. If someone likes to be called "Ray" it sort of weird to insist your child calls him Mr Jones if he's a close friend and "Ray" to everyone else.

for non-familial grown-ups my girls will address them as Mr. or Ms./Mrs. ________ firstname. It's politely respectful, but slightly casual (as far as kids are concerned). Names establish a level of boundary and respect with children. Family should always be on a firstname basis, whereas friends/strangers are a little different.

good luck-

We've always used Aunt or Uncle with our closest friends which the friends really like. It designates the closeness of our relationship and since they see them all the time, to me it would seem impersonal to call them Mr. or Mrs.

Last names are too formal for family. I prefer to be called by my first name. I do not like to be called Miss Stacey, Mrs. Last Name and especially not ma'am. Ma'am is the worst one of all to me (at my age now) it just feels and sounds really old ;-)
My kids respond to me with: Yes, mom or No, mom. Replacing yes, ma'am or no, ma'am since I don't like it. It's most respectful to call people what they say they want to be called.

I HATE being addressed by Mrs. XXXX. With my kids' school friends, whose families are not super close with me and who did not know me since they were little, that is what they do, and that's fine. With the kids who have known me their whole lives, or whose families we met in the last few years and w/whom we became very close, they address me by my first name, and that is so much more comfortable and preferable for me. Almost 100% of the people I know feel the same way...first names for close friends, etc. One exception--one of my best friends. We met when our kids were in kindergarten. We became very close over the years. She's like a 2nd mom to my kids. She likes to be addressed formally. So she is Mrs. XXXX. We (my kids and I) all think it is a bit bizarre, but I would never put in my difference as this is what she wants. I do feel strange that her kids call me Mrs. XXXX. It makes things very awkward when I call or write cards. I just cannot bring myself to address myself as Mrs. XXXX with them, they are so close with us. (I virutally never refer to myself as Mrs., anyway; it's something other people address me as.) So, I say, "Hi, this is XXX's Mom." Not sure how I sign cards, come to think of it, but it always gives me pause and is awkward.

My brothers and I grew up always addressing our parents' close friends by their first names. Still do. A few of them were "uncle" and "aunt," and still are. My husband grew up addressing EVERYONE by Mr. and Mrs. (He is older than I am.) He still does. I find it really strange when he is with someone who has known him his entire life, his parents' best friends, and he calls them Mr./Mrs.

My suggestion, if someone tells your kids to refer to them by their first name, and you don't want to, then I would say something to the parents, expressing your discomfort. I would never ask a kid to refer to me by my first name. If a parent asks if it's ok to refer to me by my first name, I always say yes, but I do not ask of it. (When the kids were little, it was just done naturally. They are older now, so it's not the same thing.)

Just a few nights ago I bumped into a friend of my brother's, and she was introducing me to her kids, ages 5 and 9. She used my first name, then turned to me and asked if that were OK. I said of course. But, if it had not been, I am sure she would have been respectful of that....

Good luck!

For a cousin of yours, what about Aunt or Uncle? Not technically correct, but someone you're close to and family (that your child would see regularly but maybe not be close to themselves) would deserve something more than a stranger on the street, I think. Plus, if you have multiple cousins, wouldn't there be multiples of the same name?

Personally, I go with Mr and Mrs Firstname. Most of our friends don't have the same last name as their partner (including me) so calling them Mr/Mrs Lastname just gets to be too much of a hassle (too many names to remember).

Like another poster said, actually showing the adults respect is more important than the name they're called.

I have two very close friends that my kids call aunt and uncle. Other than that they call friends Ms. or Mr. first name. More casual acquaintences are Ms. or Mr. last name. I think that both are appropriate for you kids to call their friends moms...for instance when they first meet them use the last name but if it someone they grow closer to than use thier first. You will find when they reach their teen years they may refer to their friends mom and dad as "Mom" and "Dad". Not in conversation but like "Hey Mom/Dad" when they enter their homes.

I think part of the answer depends on where in the country you live in.
My daughter lived in NC until recently. There many people are referred to as Miss first name, or Mrs. Last name.
While I was growing up we called our parents' cousins as Cousin first name (we still do) or Aunt/ Uncle first name. We also had some very close family friends who were aunt/ uncle- (and were not blood related). My father's college classmate was and still is called by his first name, as is his wife.
While my kids were growing up all their friends called us by our first names, and still do. Many other young people who used to call us Mr. or Mrs. last name, now call us by our first name.
As I said I think much of the answer depends on the region where you live. But if a person asks to be called by their first name, I think it is reasonable to respect the request, or to perhaps to call them Miss first name.
Good luck.

I actually have the same problem. In Spanish have "tu" which is "you" and we have "Usted" which a respectful more formal way to say "you".
We use it with people we don't know, older people or business.
I am not use to kids calling adults by their names, my daughter normally avoids any name, and just says "Excusme, can I have this, or can my friend come over" or sometimes she would says "Excusme Mary's mom" lol.
Even if Ma'm or Ms. Lastname makes me wiggle (I think is so cute and formal) I think I rather that then kids calling me "Yovana, can I have water?"

When I was growing up it was NEVER okay to call anyone by their first name - EVER!! I am 27, so it wasn't that long ago...but still. now, my kids call everyone Ms. or Mr. and the first name. It seems to be what people prefer and it is still using manners. If you are really against it, just tell people that. I think for close family it's definitely odd to even call them Ms. or Mr. anything...but that is my opinion. My kids met a lot of extended family at my husband's large family reunion last year...and everyone went by first name in the cousin department. Aunts and Unlces got the approrpaite title, etc. But even my siblings dont go by Aunt or Uncle...they go by nicknames and that's what seems to work. But if you are set on your kids using the very formal address, just keep working with them :).

We're working through that right now, too.

Currently, our kids are 2 and 4. We still do the Miss XXX and Mr. XXX, but we're also referring to people as Mr. Last Name and Ms/Mrs. Last Name as our son gets older. Sometimes people correct us and ask not to be so formal. We play it by ear depending on how we feel about it.

A lot of the kids on the street are being brought-up to call us just by our first names. The parents have said they don't agree with the formality, and there's no consideration to other people's wishes.

Miss first name is fine, I have young people call me that, I think if an adult tells your child to call them by their first name then it's fine, it's what they are comfortable with. so I would not worry about it. J.

I can't imagine my kids calling anyone in the family by their last name. First name only is fine I think. As far as your friends go, depends on how close you are to them. For very close friends, first name only is great too, unless they asked to be called Miss or whatever. For not so close friends, you can ask them what they prefer to be called.

I think if someone tells you it's ok, for your kid to call them by their first name, politely tell them, thank you, but I would like for my children to address adults by their proper names. When they get older, then they can call you by your first name. Let them know, you are just instilling respect in your children.

i have a close friend who has her boys call everyone miss or mr firstname. i'm completely fine with that. most kids in school call me by my firstname anyways. i think it's fine now a days to call people by their firstname....it's not like when i was in school!!

I really think the ground has shifted under this one in the last 10 years. I was reared to call non-family adults by their last names, unless they asked me to use their first names (adults get to be called what they want). BUT, 90% of the adults I know now want to be called by their first names-- and often, I don't even know what people's last names are now! So, we call all family (even 3rd cousins!) by first names. We use Aunt/Uncle if the person wants, but I've had a lot of push back from that, too. We call adults who are like family (godmothers, next door neighbors, our best friends by Aunt/Uncle Whomever. Everyone else I start out with Mrs/Mr/Dr Whomever, but 90% of they time they say, "Please have him call me Sally." At preschool they say "Miss/Mr. Whomever," and my understanding is at school they still say "Ms./Mrs./Mr. Lastname"

Kids are pretty adaptable-- I don't think there has to be one hard and fast rule. If they call Neighbor A Mrs. Jones and Neighbor B Sally, I don't think they really think that much about it.

My kids always use miss, mrs, or mr firstname.

My kids lived in Texas for 3 years when they were young, and ALL the kids there calls adults by Ms. or Mr. So we always introduce our kids to adults by calling them Ms. or Mr. Firstname. Now that my kids are getting older, we introduce them to the adult by Ms./Mrs./Mr. Lastname. If the adult insists on being called their first name, then my kids still refer to them with Ms./Mrs/Mr. in front of their firstname.
I think it's great, and much more respectful for kids to call adults by Ms/Mr & good practice for how to address adults when they are older.

When I was younger, I wasn't comfortable calling adults by their first names. I come from a culture where everyone has a title, unless they are the same "level" as me, meaning any child of my mother's siblings, cousins, etc. Anyone who was the same level as my mom, like the aforementioned siblings and cousins, were all referred to as uncle and aunt, regardless of the specific relation to my mom.

For your cousins, if you don't wish them to be considered as "uncle" and "aunt," why not just have her be called Cousin Firstname?

Anyway, I think the Miss Firstname is really cute. All my nephews and nieces went to the same pre-school, and they called their teachers Miss Mary, or Miss Kenna, etc. Maybe it's weird to come from an adult, but it's really darling hearing those names on their lips. :o)

I don't mind at all if a child I know calls me by my first name. I would tell my children to use someone's last name unless that person preferred something different. Just my opinion.

Family is intimate and they should call them by their title if Aunt or Uncle, Grandmother or Grandfather....other wise first names. As for acquaintances they should call them Miss Jane or Mr. John, etc....

I did a complete 180 on this after having my son. I grew up calling all adults Mr./Mrs./Miss Last Name, which seemed to be a northern thing at the time, only because I never heard Miss First Name until I lived in Florida and Georgia. Before kids, I definitely wanted to do the Mr./Mrs./Miss Last Name.

However, times have changed and so have adults and them being role models for my kid(s). For some, addressing me as Mrs. Last Name may be a sign of respect, but the way the kid treats me far outweighs what he/she calls me. I see too many kids use a title that supposed to be a sign of respect, but still treat folks horribly. I also see some adults who have no respect at all for children.

For our son, his respectful treatment of others, whether adult or not, is more important than any title. We use titles for family members, and he's been calling his friends' moms Mama First Name (something he did on his own), which has been a big hit with those moms.

Otherwise, if someone introduces themself as First Name, then we have no problem letting our son call them that (the same as Last Name).

For us, the bigger dilemma has been Grandma, LOL :) My mom has been "Grandma" for 36yrs. My MIL has been "Grandma" for 2yrs. Neither of them wants to give up or change the name. My son has been very confused, so we've had to add a name to it. MIL wants Grandma Last Name, which is insanely hard to pronounce, and she's super irritated that he won't say it yet. My mom likes Grandma G (but not GG, because that's for the great-grandkids only, blahblahblah), and my son has started calling her GrandG.

Good luck!!!

I actually think that for your cousin your kids can call her Cousin Firstname. What I struggle with is our neighbors who are close with my kids, but I've a feeling my kids shouldn't be using firstnames only with them.

I would ask the friends and family what they feel comfortable with. Most my friends want to be aunts and thats fine with me. We are not close to our extended family, but when we do talk they say "hi baby, its cousin jenny" or something to that point. Most our friends who dont want to be called aunt or uncle (ones we are not that close to) like my oldest to call them their first name. We ask and its what they feel is best!