Before my first marriage, I had a brief affair with a guy in college that didn't end well, then my then fiance came back, and lo and behold, I was pregnant. At first it wasn't quite certain who the father was, although the timing favored the 'other' guy. I told my fiance what I had done, and the possibility that he wasn't the dad...but we went ahead and got married anyway. At first it seemed irrelevant...my spouse was on the birth certificate, and the other guy was out of the picture. I had a second child (with my husband), and the two of them looked as sibling-like as two siblings could look - for the first 5 or 6 years, we honestly weren't sure that my husband was not the dad. It was a turbulent time, and a rough way to start a marriage, but I was pretty clueless back then, and it wasn't just me. The marriage did not last, due to a plethora of reasons, and within about 7 years, we had split up.
At a million different points during his childhood, I thought about telling him the truth, but several things prevented me from doing so - 1) the desire not to alienate him from my ex's side of the family, which loves him a lot. 2) the fact that it just didn't seem to matter - why drive a wedge between him and his sister, especially once I was a single mom, they needed unity more than ever? 3)doubts about the mental stability of his bio dad, who I heard spent some time in inpatient therapy after the breakup, and had threatened to kidnap the child 'when i least expected it' 4)fear that my son will hate me, and think of me as some sorta ungovernable slut or whatever...which I am not. 5) fear that this information would destabilize my son - he's always been a little brittle when it comes to relationships, and not very social...I really feel that I am the closest person in his life, and I don't want him to feel betrayed, or lost.
So, both sets of grandparents have always known (and don't mind), my siblings and my ex's siblings know (aunts and uncles), my ex knows, my new husband knows...everyone has kept this secret, and it is my secret to tell. My son is a young adult now, and I love him every bit as much as I did when he was a little boy. I really think it is time to tell this truth - way past time, probably. But if I tell my son, I know he is going to want to meet his dad...and I am not sure how the guy turned out. Through some internet snooping I have tracked down the biological dad that I haven't had any contact with for over 20 years...he lives in a neighboring state, is married, and has a big family -six kids (six half-siblings).
I wrote a letter to the 'other' guy apologizing for how horribly I behaved back then, and asking if he would be willing to have some limited contact, but I can't just mail it to his house...I have no right to create turmoil in his family...I mean, what if his wife knows nothing about all this? So I'm hoping to be able to figure out where he works, and get the letter to him that way, where he can decide in privacy whether he can handle having contact with my son, or whether he wants that. So that's problem 1. I may try to hire a private investigator or something, since I can't seem to get any more info online.
Problem 2 is just how.do.i.tell.my.son.the.truth about his origins? I am beyond petrified, but I do not want him to discover this information through other means, after I die, through medical testing, etc.
What would you do in my shoes???
*Answer to the 'how do I know question'...I have not had paternity testing done. Maybe I should. But three things have tipped me off - I'm pretty sure that my son's blood type is not quite possible with gametes from my ex and I. And a receding hairline... but most of all - now that my son is about the same age as the fella was when I met him, the similarities in their appearance, their walk, their smile...is striking!!! I'm pretty darn sure.
**Answer to the 'this is his child, and he has a right to know' statement - the biodad does know, and had always known... back then he threatened that he'd show up one day and snatch him away from me, and then had a breakdown and had to withdraw from school for a while. But apparently he's gotten his life back together to some extent.
***Additional clarifications - the dad he grew up knowing was not a model parent - he was absent most of their childhood, starting when my son was about 4...so he treated both kids in the same lackluster, narcissistic, underinvolved, day late and a dollar short sort of way. They do still see him several times a year, and the relationship is ok, if somewhat superficial. I just don't want the illusion of a dad that took them on camping trips or built go-karts in the backyard to persist here.
Personally, until you have a DNA test proving who the father is, I wouldn't say anything. What if you are wrong? That is a lot of damage to a lot of people.
You don't give his age, but a " young adult" I agree that it's past time.
Sit him down and tell him the truth.
The sooner the better.
Just get a DNA test already. Blood typing and "hairlines" aren't worth a damn. It's DNA that matters and the fact is that you simply don't know; you're guessing. So stop guessing.
Don't tell your son a darned tooting thing until you know 100% without a doubt who his father is, and only if it's "the other guy" you had the brief affair with. There's no need for your son to know about ANY of your drama before his birth or surrounding his conception unless you know with 100% certainty from a DNA test that his father is not the man who raised him.
Being "pretty darned sure" isn't 100% certainty.
Okay, given the age of your son, I would maybe consult a counselor/therapist before telling him, and yes, I think you need to tell him. I mean this is going to destabilize him, and I say that in the most non judgemental way possible. I don't know what I would have done in your shoes, and it's obviously been difficult, but for at least 20 years your son has believed in a truth that just isn't true. So, maybe have someone lined up, that perhaps you can talk to first and get some advice on how to handle the situation and encourage your son to go talk to this person. Since it seems he's over 18 you can't really force him to go, but it might not be a bad idea to try.
As far as contacting the bio dad...well uh, that's hard. I mean I get what your'e saying that you don't want to drop this bomb and disrupt his life and shock his wife, etc., but this is his child and he has a right to know. So, I guess I would mail it. Maybe send it certified mail or something so that he has to sign for it personally. I don't know if that would help, but then you would know he got it.
Wait, Wait, Wait -
Are you sure the other guy is your son's bio dad?
Or do you just think maybe the other guy is the bio dad?
Did you do a paternity test on your son and determine for 100% whoh is daddy is.
Please clarify - thanks.
You have to know your child. Regardless of what YOU feel, will HE handle the news well or fall apart, especially because his MAYBE biodad is unstable and mental issues are hereditary. Think clearly and on his behalf, without YOUR issues clouding this decision. There is no easy way of telling a child something like this. Which is why I say know your child. YOu have to weigh the pros and the cons. His life seems to be in place, why would you disturb that? You listed about 5 reasons NOT to tell, yet not enough with any conviction TO tell. Why has this become such an issue for you all of a sudden? You say you fear his biodad will kidnap him.....I think you are way past that if he has 6 kids already, I highly doubt he'll be coming to collect the 7th. He had all those years to do so and didn't. If your son is a young adult, perhaps you may want to wait until maturity sets in. I would not advise this now. I hope you think this through very well and I hope you do what is right for him and not for what seems to be eating away at you. Good luck Y..
You do not know for certain who your son's biological dad is! What he looks like has no meaning. You can tell your son that his Dad may not be his biological dad and let him decide if he wants to pursue finding anything else out. I would just have an honest conversation with him starting by telling him that you are petrified and unsure about how this will affect him and that you think he should know for a variety of reasons. Then go from there. Because your son is an adult, he needs to be involved in this process.
Do this a little piece at a time. Talk with your son first. If he wants to know more about the possibility that someone else is his biological father then take that one step at a time.
my BIL didnt know until he graduated from HS. He was hurt that he didnt know sooner. He went through a rebellion/depression. He knows who his biological dad is but still calls the one who raised him dad. Be prepared to deal with one upset guy.
If you are sure that his "dad" isn't who he knows as dad, just tell him. I wouldn't make it all oogey boogey. I would say that just so he knows, partially for medical purposes, his biological father is x, but that doesn't mean his dad/stepdad don't love him or want him. You just didn't want it to be a secret from him anymore and you were scared to tell him when he was younger. Then answer his questions. My mom told me when I was about 7. I remember it being much more an event for her than me. But I did ask questions when I was older. Just be honest with him about the whys.
If he wants to find the guy, make sure that your son has reasonable expectations. Sometimes meetings do not go well. Watch a few episodes of The Locator. Sometimes people's hearts get broken. Tell him that you will give him the information you have, but that's all you know. Let him suggest the PI if he wants to.
One reason I have not sought my biofather is that he was a scary alcoholic. I don't think that would be in my or now my child's best interest, even though I have thought about it from time to time. I did not have a good experience reconnecting with my adoptive father's family after many years apart.
I would definitely tell him. My SIL found out that the man she thought was her bio dad, was not...and she was a grandmother herself when she found out! She had always suspected that she was not related her to siblings throughout her life and was very hurt and angry when her mother finally did tell her, but waited so long. By the time she found out, her bio dad had passed on.
Your son may already suspect something depending on how observant he is. If your son wants to make contact with his bio dad, I would let him, but I wouldn't contact this man on your own--I think you should leave that to your son to do.
I don't have much advice to give regarding how to tell him, but I do agree with another poster who said to tell your son is dad MIGHT not be his bio-dad and let him decide whether he wants to do the DNA test.
I grew up not knowing my father until I was a teenager. It was weird at first meeting him, but we have agreed that we can't change the past, just enjoy the present. I told him the best thing he can do is be grandpa to my kids. No reason for them not to know him as grandpa and his wife grandma.
What does the dad (your ex husband) think about tell him?
My thoughts are tell him and leave the questions up to your son. Let him find his bio-father with the information. If he loves and adores his dad ( your ex) it will not affect him. My son's father is from my 1st marriage, he like your ex had nothing to do with our son. My new husband has been a part of my sons life since he was 2. Loves him, hunts with him, plays video games, travel together. You would not know the difference they are daddy and son (14yrsold)
I hope things end happily for you even though they are complicated.
Hi, Y.:
You need to have a DNA test done before any confessions.
Good luck.
D.
Can you tell me how you figured out that your ex husband is not the bio-dad? (I ask because you didn't specify anywhere in your post)
Personally, I would not rock the boat unless I had proof positive DNA testing. Before even considering discussing this with your son or this other man, you need to have a paternity test done. If your ex is willing to supply a sample, you could acquire a sample from your son's hairbrush.
Have the test done and wait for the results prior to making any decisions. You can not rain down total chaos on this other man and his family after all these years without 100% certainty that he is your son's father.
You should have had that test done at your son's birth. You and your ex made a rather selfish decision in not having that test done then. If your ex was willing to raise the child as his own regardless of the outcome, there was no reason not to have the test done.
By not taking the test, you effectively stole the other man's child. If in fact he is your son's father, you deprived him of the opportunity to father his child. I hate to sound harsh, but you basically played God and 20 years later want to fix it????
You are risking an awful lot on a gut feeling. Get your proof first, if your suspicions are confirmed then privately contact the other man and let him decide what he wants to do before you tell your son. I see no reason to blow up your son's world if the other man wants nothing to do with him now.
Peace and Blessings,
T. B
You need to tell your son, the sooner the better. He is an adult and old enough to decide if he wants to proceed with the search. Honestly, it is better he find out through you than some other way. I have a cousin in a similar position, EVERYONE in the family knows her father is not really her father.. except for her. It's heartbreaking. Also, he should know if there are any genetic predispositions to health issues that he needs to be aware of. Just tell him something like,
"Honey, I need to let you know that the man who you know as your father may not be your biological dad. There is another man that I dated while we were broken up for a short period of time, and it is possible he is the birth father. If you would like to find out, we can do a simple DNA blood test. We can do it anytime. No matter the results, the man who raised you and your grandparents and relatives will still love you."
Depends on the age of your son, but you have to tell him once he is of age to understand. Secondly, begin by focusing on your life, your mistake and how his had ended up being the father. You don't have to paint the "slut" picture as you fear. If you begin with you, then he will probably be upset at the news but he wont feel betrayed - if you begin by saying "your dad is not your real father", that's too harsh to digest - so lead him up to why you are where you are and he can know the whole story rather than the end result. Hope that helps.
It does not sound like you are sure which one is his dad. I would not do anything till you know for sure. But that's my opinion. My son knows he's adopted my his dad my husband but right now knows nothing else. Which I am happy about. I don't really want to go into a lot of detail with him about it all. I too have two possibilities. My son is much younger so going into that would not be good right now if I can keep from it. But I understand your reluctance. Once you know for sure you need to tell him. Just sit down with him and explain it to him. Tell him his dad loves him no matter what or he would not have raised him as his own. As for the other guy once you know he is if you can find out where he works great. If not send him a letter. If his wife gets upset that's between them. If they have a big family family is probably important to them and if it was before they were together she should (key word being should) be ok about it.
Good luck and God Bless!!!
Everyone who needs to know already knows. There is no need to disrupt your son's life or that of his bio-dad's family.
Ok, Tough situation here. First of all, I want to mention that I am a firm believer that family is NOT just those of us bound by blood. There is so much proof of family love and bonds through other means because of adoption, other people raising and loving their various family members children, etc. that IF there is a blood or DNA connection is not really a determining factor for me in who is actually MY family. That being said, personally, I would want to know who my own biological parents were for medical reasons, as well as plain curiosity sake. If this other man knew all of these years that he MAY be the Dad and never bothered to insist on a DNA test or attempt to fight for his rights for the child or even visits, will he really have any interest in him now? That is a question to ask yourself and think hard and long about. HE DID know. Especially once he started having his other children, and he experienced the joy of having a child, that is usually when that feeling "kicks in" and the curiosity of who he may have left behind should have hit him. I am not saying he won't want anything to do with him, but it IS possible. I would want to be sure BEFORE I told my son and got him all upset. I might do the DNA test on my ex husband and son to see if they are a match, and then if not you will have a better idea. I am assuming that the only other person the father could be is this one other man? If the ex isn't a match then you are basically ok to talk to your son. I still would attempt to contact the old boyfriend/ possible bio father BEFORE you tell your son just to see how he will react and how much if any contact he is going to want to have with your son. That way you can let your son know too, that the bio father really isn't going to want a realtionship, or is interested in gettning to know him more if HE wants to. I would ask the ex/ possible bio Dad what he is willing to do as far as the son goes, and how much contact he thinks he can handle with him, and even if he says he doesn't want any, ask if it would be ok for him to at least contact him to talk so he can at least meet one time. He deserves to meet his bio father once. I think you will be ok there. If you give the old boyfriend some feeling of "control" and he isn't feeling like it is going to be an ambush, he may be more accepting of the contact from your son. Then when you DO talk to your son, you will know exactly what to tell him about what he can expect from this man. Honestly, I doubt he will be looking for a father to do things with and hang out with since he does have a father, (the one who he knew and raised him, even though you said yourself he was not perfect), but your son is now a young man. He will most likely want to meet him, talk to him, and see for himself what this guy is about. He may be angry and hurt for a while, especially since he was the only one who didn't know this information, but in time he will come around and hopefully understand. All you can do is explain it to him that since you didn't know for sure, and your husband wanted to raise him as his own anyway, none of you saw any reason to say any differently. (until now) Who knows, maybe you are worried for nothing, and DNA testing will show that your ex husband IS your sons father after all. I wish you and your son the best of luck. This is a really difficult situation for you both! Be supportive and very understanding with your son. It will be a difficult time for him!! <3
were I in your shoes? I'd probably not tell-everyone in your son's life loves him and you so much-that they are willing to keep this secret-it must be, in their opinion, important to do so and they must have a very high regard for you and the way you have raised your son. If he ever asks-being that he is an adult-you can then tell him the truth.
